Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission

@dawnald (83985)
Shingle Springs, California
May 26, 2010 2:07pm CST
That was something Ann Landers used to say. The example I remember was when somebody was talking about how her in-laws would drop by without notice and expect her to drop everything, let them in, feed them, entertain them, etc. And her advice was to tell them to call first. And then if they show up uninvited, say that she had plans and politely, but firmly show them the door. Easy to say, but hard to do? Do you have people who walk all over you? Is it their fault or yours? Is there more that you could do to stop people from taking advantage? Do you have a spouse who doesn't cooperate with you in being firm? Is there something in your personality or culture that makes this difficult? Or are you dealing with somebody who is an unstoppable force of nature? Stories?
10 people like this
28 responses
• United States
26 May 10
I a guilty as charge of being taken advantage of. My daughter for the most part walks all over me. Why because the laws won't allow me to stop her and talking is not going to do it. No matter what anyone says words are just that. My daughter needs a stiff hand or foot. she washed her clothe yesterday and left them in a plastic bag wet. Because she knows it will bother me and I will end up hanging them for her. Not today..not me,I just walked past them and had to force myself not to hang them for her.
3 people like this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
And it's so much harder when it's your child. Some parents never manage to get out of the habit of bailing their children out. And especially when you get no support from the other family members!
3 people like this
• United States
27 May 10
I see you understand my pain. My friend is so upset that she is so nasty to me. Thanks
@climber7565 (2579)
• United States
26 May 10
Well I have no problem showing people the door when they are uninvited and I will make it clear of my expectations. I have a couple of friends and a relative who get on my nerves because for what ever reason they feel they need to be nice to anyone or everyone, even if it means bending of over and taking it up the sunset LOL, forgive my expression, but they sure get under my nerves. Little do they know I am running out of patience for their nonsense.
2 people like this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
I'm not very good at confrontations, and I will downplay things to keep things smooth with somebody, but only to a point. And if I reach that point, then watch out!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 10
Oh I can't stand it when people give themselves the right to invade you. I don't allow that even from siblings. When I am at home, I like to be left alone and don't care for anything anyone else wants. If I want you to come by I will invite you and if I don't send out invitations it means "stay out" lol
2 people like this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
My in-laws were so notorious for that. My mother-in-law didn't understand why I had a problem with her "making myself at home in my son's house". Well yeah, but it's your son and daughter-in-law's house, and your daughter-in-law is uncomfortable with you dropping in and messing with her things and so on... Fortunately my husband at least somewhat stood by me on this one...
@vandana7 (44971)
• India
26 May 10
I suffer this all the time! And not my spouse but father who does not co-operate in being firm! He in fact blames me for being firm. Take for instance this morning. I have categorically mentioned that my relatives are unwelcome in my life. My family friends have accepted my contention. My relatives were never there for me when I was young, i.e., lost my myother around 5 and a half. So I was in hostels, nobody visited, no letters, no mails, no greeting cards, just nothing. Suddenly they want to get into my life. I cant develop any affections for these strangers. If they call themselves my relatives then they are still worse, as it was their duty to have been around when I lost my mom. I have explained this to my family friends. Most of them understand. One of them doesnt. Periodically (once in three weeks or so) he tries to peddle one of the relatives. Last time it was one aunt, today it was another uncle. Of course, I blew my fuse. They are asking me to forgive. I categorically asked them - you all dont forgive but you all expect others to. He has not been accepting no. He says we should adjust, when the people who err dont say sorry - forgiveness leave alone adjustment is absolutely impossible. If I have to go to hell for this, so be it. But forgiving such people is not the right thing according to me. Dad doesnt support me on this. :(
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing to forgive. It isn't for anybody else to decide that for you. Hang tough!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (120846)
• Garden Grove, California
26 May 10
can I add a word. I hated, despised my father well into my thirties and well that I should even my own mother did not know that he once molested me when I was only 8, and I did hate him, I would never again be alone in a room with him,but the hate made me physically ill so my hubby suggested I go to him and tell him I forgive him,ask him why, then put it out of my mind. I did so, and he would not even speak to me. so that was that. I never ever again had a thing to do with him.but that was my decision, nobody can decide for you.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (44971)
• India
27 May 10
Dawny, Hatley Thankfully the ones that are peddled so far are not the ones who beat me up for monies, or who molested me when I was five and a half. But indifference when a child is helpless counts, doesn't it? How can I trust such people to take me to hospital when they were indifferent to my needs at that age? I dont think I trust them! I'd take chances with stranger rather than the known devils.
@epicure35 (2822)
• United States
27 May 10
Someone should mention this insight to the soppy, whining liberals who have sold our freedom for a "mess of pottage", so they finally get a nodding aquaintance of the RUIN they have done to a once-free country and to themselves by giving power to destroy us to a savage America-hating madman and his gangster henchmen. (Oh, yes, Ann Landers was right in her perception.)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
I don't think this country was ever really "free", not totally. Maybe for the rich and powerful, but not everybody else. Still, better here than most anywhere else in the world.
@epicure35 (2822)
• United States
27 May 10
Uh,oh, sounds like you buy the lies the liberals are selling! "The rich and powerful". How about the mediocre and sneaky? "Total" freedom was available to us in the Garden of Eden, until Eve was deceived into thinking that "perfection" just simply wasn't good enough and decided to share her "new power" with Adam, to the defeat of both. So, now, we too, have to pay a price for what God had given us freely. We must work for our food instead of letting God's best be good enough. Then, we further exchanged God's liberty for the tyranny of man. And, now , we're almost at the end of the story.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
And who is in charge of the tyranny of man? The rich and the powerful. And they are nasty and will do anything to hang on to what they've got. That doesn't mean that I believe we should take things away from them and give everything to the poor a la socialism. But there needs to be more oversight.
@katsmeow1213 (24667)
• United States
26 May 10
Was that me or is it just that common for in laws to show up unannounced? Nobody really takes advantage of me.. the in laws used to, but they wouldn't be happy with the results when they did. Hubby is the type that lets people take advantage of him. He's basically a doormat. I've helped him grow a bit of a backbone over the years.. of course that backfired because he'll stand up to me but still let co-workers walk all over him.. grr!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
Mine is like that too. He can't say no to anybody pretty much. I go and buy food for the week and the kids will whine that they're hungry when he picks them up from school, and instead of saying "have a healthy snack", he feeds them dinner and I get home and there went my plans. We had an agreement that he wouldn't do that any more, but now that we're splitting up, he's pretty much doing whatever he wants...
• United States
26 May 10
I totally understand how that's frustrating... but mine is the opposite, and also frustrating. He'll yell at me from the kitchen "Hey, did you have plans for this bread?" Uh.. no! It's bread, for sandwiches and stuff.. you know, we keep it in the house all the time! "Okay, so I can use it for a sandwich?" Uh.. yeah! "Do you have plans for the peanut butter?".. You get the picture.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
He asks for permission to eat his own food? Priceless! But better too polite than the other way around!
• United States
27 May 10
When I was a teen I wanted to be one of the gang, the popular people but now I see I could never be because I was and still am too independent. Not only would I say no, but I Mean it.No peer pressure. So I wouldn't even open the door if someone , Anyone came over to my place without emailing first. I hate phones so it would be Online. I never will have inlaws so I won't have to worry about them. And hopefully my friends will believe me when I say, I don't answer my door if I am not expecting company.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Well if they don't believe you, all they have to do is show up unexpected, and then they will believe you...
1 person likes this
• United States
28 May 10
Absolutely!
@saphrina (31744)
• South Africa
27 May 10
Dawny, i am to rude for someone to even consider walking over me. That's going to freaking hurt. TATA.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Right, remind me to call first.
@saphrina (31744)
• South Africa
27 May 10
Why?
@hofferp (4739)
• United States
26 May 10
I may let someone walk on me for a little while, but when it's enough...that's it. And if they don't get it, then I really can be a cold bytch. I don't say much, but I react. And usually the way I react is to turn away/walk away and when that happens, I don't turn around. All they see is my back...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 May 10
Sadly, that seems to be what is happening in my marriage...
@hofferp (4739)
• United States
26 May 10
You did file, right?
@gabs8513 (48822)
• United Kingdom
6 Jun 10
I am the type of Person that would not dare or have ever dared to do that It is easy enough to say to do this but it is actually having the Nerve to do it
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jun 10
Yeah I'm allowing the future ex to take advantage of me right now just so as to avoid another explosion for the time being...
@MsTickle (24623)
• Australia
4 Jun 10
I've always been too soft. If I ever said "No" to anyone for any reason I was very uncomfortable or suffered the most awful feelings of guilt. I have to disagree that people don't take advantage unless you let them. My elderly Dad is being continually ripped off these days. Items are going missing from his home and the shed. He gets charged twice for things and he is way overcharged as well. There is one company who I don't trust one bit. He called them out to fix a water pump a while back and they said it was irreparable and sold him very expensive new one. It's a sealed unit. It has not worked properly since it was installed and he called them again a short time ago and again they said the pump was irreparable and installed another extremely expensive new one. The original should still be under warranty. They know Dad is very old, very forgetful and has plenty of money.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Jun 10
The exception would be people who aren't capable of defending themselves, ie forgetful elderly people, handicapped people, etc.
@jdyrj777 (6563)
• United States
30 May 10
Usually if somebody drops by my palce i dont answer the door. I rent a place in the basement of a house. I can not see out side to see who is knocking so i will not answer it. Most of the time i can not even hear them knocking. The area where im at is way on the other side of the basement. Its really rude for people to just drop by without calling first.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 May 10
Yep it is...
@much2say (22276)
• United States
28 May 10
Yes, easy to say, but hard to do at times - though I do agree that nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. This is something I say to a bunch of my friends - often - yet sometimes I need to eat my words. I never let people walk all over me - but there are times when my foot gets stepped on. I am more firm about things these days than I ever was before - maybe it gets easier to do with age because we are less tolerant (with the wisdom that's supposed to kick in??)? I can't stop people from "trying" to take advantage, but I do take the responsibility to say it would be my own fault if I gave in. I can't say I can think of anyone who actually takes advantage of me. There are friends who are flakey, don't keep their word, or burn my ears off . . . but I know there are other good qualities about them that I still keep them as friends. Let's just say I let things slide with those that I know who have good intentions.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 10
I am perhaps too trusting...
@neildc (16904)
• Philippines
28 May 10
most of the time, i just deal with my wife. i would rather do this than be firm with my point of view or else, the house will turn red because of the heat.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 10
That might be good if you live in Alaska...
• India
28 May 10
Saying no to somebody who is close to you will be a difficult one, but capability of saying no is good one . If they are taking disadvantage of silence or not saying no , than yes you better say no rather than hearing something from them at latter stage
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 May 10
yes it's harder if you don't say no right away.
@JenInTN (27571)
• United States
27 May 10
I have been taken advantage of and I guess it was my fault for trusting them but at the same time..I would have never done it to a friend. I stick to the saying..Fool me once..shame on you..fool me twice..shame on me.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
too bad, people like that tend to make you less trusting in the future...
@cerebellum (3872)
• United States
27 May 10
I think that saying is true. I guess people do take advantage of me but I never really feel that way. I am always willing to do just about anything to avoid unpleasantness, so I would probably let anyone do anything rather than fight with them. I try not to take advantage of anyone, but sometimes I guess you can and don't realize it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
If it doesn't bother you, no big deal. It's when you let them do stuff that does bother you...
@34momma (13920)
• United States
27 May 10
You teach people how to treat you, by the way you treat yourself. Just like Anne Landers said, no one can do to you what you don't give your permission to do. like everything in life it takes time, but you must teach peopole how to treat you! not only is it important, but it's life changing!
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Yes it is...
@sender621 (14970)
• United States
27 May 10
Nobody likes being taken advantage of. It is degrading to both sides. Nobody can take advantage of you without you allowing them to do so. When you say or do nothing to stop it, you are giving them free access and permission tgo walk all over you. If it is done once, it will be done again. Only you have the power to stop someone from taking advantage of you ever again.
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Yep, true. But so many people never actually DO draw the line...
@Rysonia (310)
• United States
27 May 10
Short of the people being violent and doing physical harm if you stand up to them, if they aren't harming you like that then it is on you that you are being taken advantage of. I have a friend who is 37 years old and her parents consistently take advantage of her, she knows this and despite her occasional excuses she knows that she is enabling them doing so. If she refused to put up with such behavior and insisted on being treated with courtesy they wouldn't be able to take advantage of her.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Some people never do get the nerve to set limits with people. I suppose it's mostly their upbringing...
@tjades (3594)
• Jamaica
27 May 10
There will always be people who try to over run others but the line must be drawn by you. I do not take kindly to being bossed at all and have developed a nature of disregard for whoever the offender is. That has helped me to not be mindful of anyone so that even if they do get to trample on my feeling a few time I get in control and pll that rug from under their feet. I do not like to be unhappy and therefore hate dealing with persons who may make me unhappy.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (83985)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 10
Nobody likes being unhappy, and yet so many people put up with it...