Should you except the mental problems of someone elses kid?

@bunnybon7 (36892)
Holiday, Florida
August 5, 2010 2:55pm CST
I was going to put this in the other discussion but felt it would make it to long. yesterday i went for a very distressing appointment but it turned out well. I was jubillent till i got home. then i was a little upset. i noticed that my closets had been gone through. now normally i dont have anything to hide, but i do have a couple of private things i done need seen by a child. so, just as i thought, she blamed the kid for it. I explained i have things she wouldnt want him to see and she just got this attitude about, well i cant watch him all the time. I said but you can teach him not to go through other peoples things !! but she said, well i cant help it. i tell him over and over but he has ADHD!! well, i feel like thats her excuse for him to get away with anything and everything he wants. now that hes gotten used to here he just does whatever he pleases. and im also not totally sure it was just him either. So, is ADHD an excuse just to let a kid do what they want?
11 people like this
34 responses
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
6 Aug 10
Yes of course. ADHD 50 years ago, was called "being a boy". And the duty of teaching a child not to do through other peoples stuff is called "being a parent". This women, whoever she is (assuming she is the parent), is a pathetic awful parent, and is negligent in her duties to raise the child. She is directly destroying her child.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
i know and i feel sorry for him. but, its not my responsibility and she dont listen to advice. thinks she knows it all. even tho, this is her only child and i raised 5.
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
10 Aug 10
She wouldn't be living in my house, that's for sure.
@jdyrj777 (6556)
• United States
6 Aug 10
No, it should never be and excuse. Neither should "well, i cant watch him all the time." It is her God Given duty to make sure she knows what he is doing all the time. Especially if he is ADHD. Kids can get into anything and surly will if not under proper supervision. I'd advise you to put a lock on your bedroom door. But really you should not have to. Every post you make concerning this child just sounds like he is not being properly supervised.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
exactly. and hes not. many times ive been left out in the front room, while she goes in the bedroom for long periods and ive been all watching him. lots of times lately its been my son, but he brought it on so im just glad hes getting his fill of it all i know for sure hes convinced now it wont work. as shes made sporatic attempts to be resonsible, then later on just gives in to her laziness. im surprised shes been able to keep the kid without authorities stepping in
@jdyrj777 (6556)
• United States
11 Aug 10
Iam sure that once he ventures into the great outdoors and continues to act the way he does the authorties will get involved because people in the neighborhood will be calling them.
• United States
6 Aug 10
My daughter is 16 and has this and would not rummage through anyones closet. This is a start of a bad thing to come if it is not stopped right now. The mother has to leran ways to cope with her son and not put it off on other people. I am sorry to hear this. I would set a trap for the next time. Then you would kow who really went in it.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
8 Aug 10
thats an idea. cant afford an observation camera. so i could put something like staining marker around the door knob. then who had it on when i got back would be the culprit id just need to remember to wipe it with tissue before i touched the knob. thanks
• United States
9 Aug 10
Or put a book really close to the edge that would fall if someone touched it and you will know if the mother did it being the child could not reach it.
@jugsjugs (13045)
5 Aug 10
I have a child with ADHD just so that you are aware that i do know what a child is like.My son is medicated now,thankfully.My son use to smash the class rooms up at school in front of teachers,children and helpers,he is now 7.Since he has been on medication he has not smashed up class rooms,however the medication is helping him concerntrate aswell as stay on a so called calm.When his medication is running out that is when there is the ADHD yet again and i have to deal with the issues.Knowing that my son has this i would watch him all the time in other peoples houses aswell as any where else we go,the reason for this is a child with ADHD can change so fast from a nice child to a bull in a china shop.Your friend knows what is wrong with her son so she should know that she is supposed to look after him and watch him at all times.I have 6 children and i correct all of my children,no matter where i am.You should tell your friend also that she should be responsible for her child with or without ADHD.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
6 Aug 10
im sure its very hard. back when i was raising mine, i had 2 that seemed to have this problem that wasnt diagnosed cause im not sure anyone knew much about it then. but even when we stayed at others houses for a visit for a while, i corrected them. and i have never had anyone tell me they had been into things of theirs. not that they was always good. they did at times do the normal messing up, etc. but still i think jugs is right. you need be responsible for your child. no matter what they have if anything. im still thinking its an excuse because it needs proved to me that hes not just spoiled. in fact the mother herself seems spoiled
@jugsjugs (13045)
7 Aug 10
I have 6 children and to try to watch them all at the same time is really hard,but i only have the one son that is unpredictable.I feel that no matter what is/isnt wrong with a child a parents job is to look after their own children in their house or when they are out.You should not just say do not do that with a child with adhd,you have to ensure aswell as try to tell them not to and make sure they do not do what things thay are not allowed todo.I was not with my son in school when he was smashing up class rooms aswell as teachers legs,throwing things etc,he is not spoilt either.2am most nights is when he go to sleep and i am still awake with him,as he is unpredictable,yes i am tired and yes i could easily go to sleep,but he is my child my responsibility at the end of the day.I think you will find that it was the childs mother snooping about and not the child.Years ago children were not diagnosed,they were classed as naughty children.The reason i got a diagnosis for my son was because the school teacher knew he had something wrong with him,i just thought that he was a naughty child and hiom being my child it was my problem.Taking into consideration he is the youngest of 6 children,i should have realised the problem was not going to go away.I do not treat him any different from my other children,other than i am always ready for the unexpectable.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
8 Aug 10
Regardless of this child's problem, he still needs to be taught and it's obvious that his mother isn't teaching him anything. Maybe it'll be wise of you to put some locks on your bedroom door so he or anybody else can't get in there and look through your things which is none of their business. Shame on the mother and the little boy both!
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
thanks cats. im thinking that im not going out much anyway and they only have a little over 3 weeks, plus son has really laid it down to them about my rooms. so far they've started asking if they can come in even if im here so im hoping this means a change of all this.
@mokellus (11)
• United States
6 Aug 10
As a Special Education teacher I can tell you that NO, ADHD is not a reason to let a child do what he wants. There is no reason that a child with ADHD cannot learn what is right and wrong, and to follow the rules laid out for him. The problem here sounds like it lies with this woman and not her son. It seems that she lacks the inclination to teach and discipline him, and as a child if he is not taught, how does one expect him to know. I think maybe a chat with this women is in order to establish some groung rules. Hope this helps. Good luck!
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
you are right. but if i "chat" with her she just looks at me like im not all there and give some snid remark and walks away. so therefore my son has finally gotten pretty full of the whole misbehaving child thing and has chatted with her a lot about it. shes reformed a little but i think its to little to late. son is already saying shes probably never coming back. he'd have changed the return tickets to sooner, but it costs 300 bucks he says, so we will just perserver
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
6 Aug 10
no it shouldnt be an excuse. and i do agree with you she should teach the child not to be rude going through other people stuff, and she should keep an eye on her child. people make too many excuses for the child. now i do have adha myself but learning was the key. and she need to stay ontop of him and what he does, specaily if he is at somone's place. i think what i would do is have stay around everyone else, and if she get upset oh well. i once got on my wife's cousin kids for taking something of my. told them my house my rules like it or not.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
8 Aug 10
there you go. if it was my house she'd already been gone and be thinking about her mistakes. but, it is my rooms and i really think i should have said that to her. my rooms, my rules. i may say it yet if it continues.
@MsTickle (24980)
• Australia
13 Aug 10
I don't believe for a minute it was the kid, your things would be of no interest whatsoever to a little boy. But I also don't hold with that "you can't watch them all the time " crap. Kids need to be watched so they don't get into strife. I hope you let your son know what she did. This shows her up for who she is. Sneaky, dishonest, lying she is NOT a nice person. This woman is untrustworthy and your son would be mad to settle down with her.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Aug 10
yep you are right. everyone else thinks the same that ive spoke to about it. it was her not the kid i bet. im hoping son is seeing, but if not, im gone
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24980)
• Australia
14 Aug 10
Is your online friend still in the picture? Honestly, this woman will take your son down if he lets her. I hope things work out properly and this person gets the heck out of your life or gets help or something. I couldn't take what you are going through. You're too sweet my friend.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
17 Aug 10
well i have been. but guess what? yesterday, i took off or is it put on? the gloves. i told her off and i explained some things to son that im sure he could see concerning the way she is with him. i think sons getting pretty fed up also.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118609)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Aug 10
You don't live in a comune! We have our own rooms because we want PRIVACY!! So what if the child has ADHD! It is her responsibility to know where he is every moment. Not his because he is not of age and not responsible for himself yet! Not your because you are not his mother. No ADHD is not an excuse to let a child wonder. It is all the more reason to watch out for him and step up. AND, she has absolutely NO right to get on you about any of it. If she did I would laugh her out of my house and tell her not to come back until she got it together!!
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
you have it right.! but its sons house and he has asked me to let him take care of it and he already has told her its not to happen again. hes told her these 2 rooms are like my apartment and should be asked if anyone comes into. i stay home so much that i havent occassion to see yet, but i think hes gotten point a cross. in any case only 3 more weeks and a couple days ive made it this long...eeee..
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118609)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Aug 10
Ah, so what is happening in the three weeks and afew days?
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
11 Aug 10
shes leaving the 31st, but ive told son, like today, its 20 more days... hope i make it. then he says not again for a year, then maybe not then. ..
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
5 Aug 10
It is true that it can be very difficult to control a child who has ADHD.. also it's true that it's nearly impossible for anyone to keep an eye on a child 24/7, even if the child does not have ADHD. It doesn't take long for a child to get into things when they want to... in the time it takes you to go to the bathroom a child can completely destroy an entire house.. trust me I know! They're also very attracted to rooms or areas of the house that are "off limits" to them and when nobody is looking that would be the first place they'd try to get into. It's all very typical kid stuff. It would probably be best that all your "not kid friendly" items be put somewhere that a child would be incapable of getting into.. such as a locked cabinet or up on a high shelf.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
6 Aug 10
i know all this already. but, if you are not going to watch them when no one else is around, dont you think there should be consequences for bad behavior? i mean if my kids had gotten into someone elses priacy and id already told them not to, there would be some kind of punishment. i wouldnt say for the umpteenth time to someone, oh well he has adhd. she might as well have said, so what? deal with it! i raised 5 kids. 2 of which was very hyper and they will tell you, they did not get away with the same bad behavior many. many times. they were especially taught to respect others things and privacy.
• United States
6 Aug 10
Most parents do their best to teach their kids respect. It's obvious from your posts that you don't like this woman or the way she handles her child... I suppose it's fair to assume she dislikes you also...perhaps she's letting her child get away with disrespecting you because of the disdain she feels for you. If she doesn't respect you, why would she teach her son to respect you? I'm not saying it's right.. it's just my assumption of the situation based on your posts. I do not know all the details of your situation.. like if it is your house, or your son's house that you're living in and his girlfriend and her son are staying in for the time... but the way I see it, you have 3 options. 1. if it is your house, kick her and her son out of it. 2. if it is not your house, you can move out. or 3, regardless of who's house it is, be polite and respectful to her at all times, no matter what happens.. and perhaps she'll treat you (and teach her son to treat you) with that same respect.
@MsTickle (24980)
• Australia
17 Aug 10
That's a bit harsh. The woman and her son are visitors in bunnybon's HOME. To me, that alone means there should be respect shown to the occupants of the home. This woman is the interloper and she should be called to account for her son's terrible behaviour. I appreciate that you don't know the circumstances or the facts so perhaps a little research would be in order before you come down so hard on the poster. Cheers..
@xandavon (102)
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
I have a mental problem myself. I have OCD. So I probably would accept. Lock your closet. Do them yourself. It is hard to force someone with ADHD. And you normally can't teach those kids not to do something. I understand your wife's(?) situation but I have no idea about her life to side with what she said (the one where she said she can't watch him all the time). Because for me, you have to make an effort to watch your children especially with ADHD. If she really wants her kid to improve, she should sign up for therapy.
• United States
6 Aug 10
I had a nephew with ADHD, and locking things up wasn't always a solution. We had to lock up our back room storage and tool area because he was always getting into things there. But one day, when I thought he was peacefully playing outside, I found that the door to the back room had been taken off its hinges. My nephew had found a way to get a screw driver and take the door off so he could get into the back room where all that irresistibly cool stuff was. Bottom line? Yes, you have to watch them all the time. But it's impossible to do that 24/7 and still have any sort of life outside your child. In other words, nobody is perfect, but you have to try anyway. :-)
@xandavon (102)
• Philippines
6 Aug 10
Why are kids clever these days? lol.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
7 Aug 10
i think kids do such things when they are bored. you have to have things for them to do thats helpful in life. either work or learning type play. kids are no more clever today then ever, but the parents im begining to wonder about. like sometimes i think hes smarter then his mom
• United States
5 Aug 10
Mental illness, of any kind, should never be an excuse. I recently found out something about myself recently, but that will not stop me from doing what I have to do and getting my degree from college, by the one, I have one more year to go. Many people always feel like because they have a mental illness that they cannot be normal or do what other people can do, but that is not true. I have know a lot of people with ADHD go on to getting their college degrees and passing exams. I had a friend who has had it since before high school, and he was great at taking test. My nephew has ADHD, got his college degree, and he isn't the smartest person in the world, but he did it. ADHD just means that you are hyper. Oh, Ty Pennington from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" has ADHD. There actually are several actors and actresses who have it, or have other conditions and they still do what they do.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
5 Aug 10
good for you sweetie. but what im going after here is, did your parents just allow you to get away with things and do what you want to and with others? im sure you must have had some structure and disipline since you have done so well for yourself and have proved you can do it.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Aug 10
Are your kidding me? My parents forced my brother and I to be polite in front of other people, and if we weren't nice, we didn't get our reward. My brother and I may have had health problems, but that was no excuse for anything. We still had to abide by the rules.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
6 Aug 10
i can see they raised a wonderful, bright girl.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
7 Aug 10
You could be right. It might not have been the child but she could be just using the child and ADHD as an excuse. I can tell you from experience, My brother had ADHD and all 4 of his kids have it and my sister has a son with it and a daughter with Bi-Polar and my sister in law has a child with autism and one with ADHD. And they learned not to do things and right from wrong and if she tells and teaches him something he will learn, if she chooses to teach him. She could have been going through it and he came in to see what she was doing...I guess it means that you will start having to lock your room up. I put a door handle that locks and I have to use a key to get in because of the same reason to keep people out of my stuff and you know I have had people live with me a lot and the honest truth is I had more trouble with the adults getting into my stuff then the kids.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Aug 10
there you go. see, i figure its her also that done it. but, shes making out like she cant help it with the kid. my son is finally realising to that its a big problem and i dont think he looks forward to fighting with her forever on this. i think he knows shes not going to change. which is good for me. lol
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
10 Aug 10
A person has to be consistent with teaching a child. It seems from what you say she lets the child do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't bug her or interfere with what she is wanting or doing. Which isn't a good thing. You know some parents use the ADHD excuse if they feel their kid bug them. But in most cases it is just a child crying out for more attention and love. I do hope things work out for you and you will get some peace.
@ShepherdSpy (8562)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
6 Aug 10
Who is this Kid and His Mother,and what's their relationsship to you to be in your home and going through your stuff while You're not there? I agree it's not always possible to keep an eye on a child,but if he has such a problem,that's no excuse...He needs better supervision,otherwise His curiosity could get the better of him...and if there are things in your home you don't want the kid to get at,hide them or lock them away.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
7 Aug 10
yes, im not sure how to go about it but i need locks. this is my sons girlfriends kid. they are visiting from NY for 2 months. they visited before but my son thought this would be a way to get us used to each other and see if we get along. its his house. i share living expenses to help us both. i was talked into moving here. then all this happened.
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
8 Aug 10
The kid definitely needs to Learn about respecting the privacy and possessions of others..
@GDTimothy (446)
• United States
6 Aug 10
Absolutely not! BUT, I have a nephew that had/has ADD/ADHD and he was one fantastically big handful! I was essentially his surrogate father since he spent more time at my house that at his own house and his biological father was just never able to handle him or his problems. So I think you have to give the situation some leeway because it can be such a huge and exhausting chore to be on the kid 24/7. On the other hand, a parent of such a child should be responsible for disciplining and controlling their child. I myself never shied away from addressing a behavior problem no matter where we were. My nephew's behavior was my number one concern and it took great effort to get him under control sometimes. I've even had to literally tackle him and hold him down for 30 to 45 minutes at a time just so he wouldn't injure himself or others during some of his fits. It takes a lot of grit to do this day in and day out, but it can and should be done. And it's not a matter of just sitting the kid down to explain what is acceptable behavior and what is not. It just doesn't sink in for long with these children. It literally took 20 years for my nephew to get to the point where he could begin to control himself, and it is a great relief to me! So, no you can't just let a kid do whatever they want! But you also cannot prevent all their misbehavior either! It's just an impossible task. And it is very common for parents of these children to get soooo strung out that they tend to give up trying. But that's the one thing you cannot do with these children. The instant you give up, if even for a short time, you take another two steps backward and the child gets even worse. Nobody's perfect though, and you have to give some slack to parents of such children because you have to know that they've been through hell every day with these kids.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
7 Aug 10
the thing is, how do you know if the kid really has a problem like that or she just wants to let him have his way out of laziness and wanting to spoil him? ive seen no real effort on her part with this. so i have no way of knowing the truth. people do lie sometimes you know?
• United States
8 Aug 10
Well, there's one way to find out - ask the mother if her child has ADD or ADHD! Or you can read up about these behavior problems online or at the library and see if the child's behavior fits. But from what you describe, it does remind me very much of at least a hyperactive child. And if the mother never seems to discipline her child or make any attempts to address his bad behavior, then it sure sounds like she's just plain lazy or has given up altogether. In that case, she needs to seek professional help or counseling on how to deal with her child. Sorry, I just assumed that you and the mother both knew that the child had a behavioral problem and that your interaction with the mother was minimal. But if the mother refuses to address the bad behavior then I myself would feel obligated to deal with the child in the most effective way I saw fit! And if that includes laying down the law to both of them in no uncertain terms, then so be it! I do wish you luck in dealing with this situation. I know it can't be easy!
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
5 Aug 10
No way. She should have watched him and more closely because he has a short attention span or rather the attention span of a younger child. There are ways to distract him, get him to do something else. There are things that children should not see, especially when he might inadvertently blurt that "I saw Mrs. ---" right out in company.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
6 Aug 10
exactly. so true. one thing im leary of. besides, ive always thought respect is something should be taught first off to any child no matter their mind set. even retarded children are very good with being taught respect.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Aug 10
We have a girl who is retarded in our church. She has Down Syndrome and she is polite, obeys her parents, etc. Teaching children to respect their elders is not that hard. Many of my friends have rambunctious youngsters who are forever getting into things and even my grand daughter can never sit still, but when her mother tells her to sit down or get out of that, she does. In fact, my son and daughter-in-law were looking for a day care for the children when they have to work at the same time. There was a daycare provider who did not correct her son when he hit my grand daughter (same age, both three) so they decided to go with another day care provider who was well respected for her ability to discipline children.
• Canada
22 Dec 10
I almost didn't respond because I feel so strongly about this. I will try to keep my rant to a minimum, lol. There are a ton of parents out there who are so lazy they will cart their kid from doctor to doctor until one breaks down, makes a diagnosis, gives a prescription, and they can have an excuse not to parent properly. As someone who has worked with children and teenagers of varying ages for 13 years, and full-time for the past 4, I see this all the time. I have worked with children with Autism so severe they had a vocabulary of less than 50 words at the age of 8, children with Aspberger's, and many, many children diagnosed as ADD or ADHD. I do not consider ADHD an illness. It is the way the brains of some people work. Some people can manage it without medication, and some people require medication during periods of intense concentration: while school is in and they need to do homework and study, for example. Many children do not need the medication during the summer break. ADHD has to do with concentration. It does not impair intelligence or the ability to understand social rules. Therefore their is no excuse for a child with ADHD to go through someone's personal effects, other than that his/her parent is too lazy to enforce the lesson that it is wrong. Children with ADHD respond well to fast-paced activities that involve multi-tasking. A parent of such a child may have to put in a little more planning so that the child is not left in an "activity vaccuum," but a well-brought up child would not go through someone's closet when bored. The point is, what he did had nothing to do with his ADHD, and everything to do with the fact that he hadn't been taught it was an unacceptable activity.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
22 Dec 10
thanks dear. this is a wonderful explaination. i myself didnt really know if this was a mental problem or not. i just know she makes it seem like it is. also, she doesnt believe in meds. anyway, they are back in NY now and it seems hes still having problems. especially in school. and she has him in a special school to boot son still talks to her some on the phone but has a new gf with no kids. he now knows he dodged a bullet as i told him he should. he can deal with the child but she doesnt want him to teach him these things the poor kid is going to need when hes grown. like respect and control, etc. btw, my son played games and such with him when he was here and they did love and respect each other.
• United States
5 Oct 10
When my daughter was 4, all the doctors kept telling me she had adhd. She was never diagnosed (because doctors prefer for you to be atleast 5 yrs of age and older.) Like any grandparent, my grandmother had every excuse in the book for my child's bad behavior while I was at work. When she heard about the possible diagnosing, it turned into a total nightmare. My daughter could draw all over the wall in her care, and she would say "She cant help it." I went through many circumstances like you just described. Every grown adult has private stuff NO CHILD should see. It was arguement after arguement when I would come home and see my bedroom ramsacked through. Finally one day my grandmother said "im really tired a lot lately." And it struck me. My grandmother was using my daughter's possible ADHD issues to be a lazy babysitter. So yes, to agree with you I do believe some parents/guardians/sitters etc do not have the patience to deal with a child with ADHD, in turn they let them do whatever they want, and to make the parent feel better they blame the child's disease to make up for their lack in parenting. Just my opinion :)
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
5 Oct 10
oh you are so right. you have it totally figured out. i could not have said it better. i sure agree with you.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Aug 10
A child with ADHD needs discipline just as much as a child without ADHD, maybe even more so. The fault for this one lies squarely on the mother!!!
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
17 Aug 10
yes, you are very right and i think son is realising it also. ive realised it from the start and generaly stay mad at her. not the little one
@cream97 (29167)
• United States
12 Aug 10
Hi, bunnybon7. No. This child should still be taught right from wrong. He needs to understand that he can't just go through someone else things and not be held liable for it. His mom should teach him right from wrong, even though he may have a problem, understanding this.
@bunnybon7 (36892)
• Holiday, Florida
12 Aug 10
hi cream, my feelings exactly. she has no excuse and hasnt even bothered to put that ecuse out lately...as she knows i know its bull. she is still getting on my last nerve.