Punished for telling the truth?
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
August 19, 2010 11:51am CST
This was in an advice column for teens.
One teenager had called her parents for a ride home from a party, because her boyfriend had had a few drinks. The parents picked her up, but then they put her on restriction and wouldn't allow her to see her boyfriend any more because he was irresponsible.
Now the younger sister says that if she finds herself in the same situation, she would take the ride with her boyfriend who has been drinking, because she sees how hard not being able to see her boyfriend has been on her sister.
The older sister also says that given another opportunity, she would not call her parents, because of they way they handled it.
Should the parents have handled it this way?
I can really see both sides of this one. I remember being punished by my parents for telling the truth about something after they promised they wouldn't punish us if we were honest. All it did was teach me that I couldn't trust my parents and that I shouldn't confess to anything.
I also can see how the parents wouldn't want their daughters hanging around somebody who was irresponsible enough to drive under the influence.
But the point is that their actions have had the opposite effect. Do you think the parents should have handled it differently?
I couldn't locate the original column, but here is the follow up:
http://www.sacbee.com/2010/08/17/2962912/readers-react-to-teen-drunken.html
11 people like this
46 responses
@saphrina (31552)
• South Africa
20 Aug 10
Don't i know that one too well.
I think the parents should have let her seen her boyfriend after that incident.
This is the kind of things that make teenagers not trusting their parents.
And then they start sneaking around the parents backs to do things they want.
TATA.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
and then they get right into the very situation that the parents were trying to protect her from...
@sulynsi (2671)
• Canada
19 Aug 10
An unfortunate situation. of course, by the sound of it, this is being related by the teen, and the parents haven't weighed in
Quite frankly, the parents are not punishing their daughter, they are trying, reasonably, to protect their child. The kids perceive it as punishment because they want to go with their "friends"
If this were a non-dating relationship, the parents would probably do the same thing, restrict association with irresponsible people who haven't understood what it means "when you drive, don't drink"
I can't see how they could do less, if they are good parents
2 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Yes, you are right, we only have the girl's side of the story.
For me, as a parent, I would not do what these parents did. From what I recall, they not only wouldn't allow the girl to see her boyfriend at all, but they also wouldn't let her go out to any parties or anything.
What I would do, is put some restrictions on, but still allow her some freedom. Like, only allow her to see the boyfriend in our home, and not allow him to drive her anywhere. But I wouldn't totally take away her social life. She made the right decision by calling them.
@sulynsi (2671)
• Canada
19 Aug 10
having the WHOLE story makes a difference.
maybe not, knowing one's own child and the specific circumstances of each case
I wouldn't dare judge another parents actions, because there is so much more involved than meets the eye
I don't think it makes sense to restrict her from going out with other, responsible people - if they did THAT, it may explain why the kids felt "punished" as opposed to protected.
I'm not into the idea of teens dating anyway, so that part of it has never come up. Both my kids are now grown and neither dated when they were in their teens.
1 person likes this
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
20 Aug 10
I think that it could have been handled differently,I feel the child did right by calling her parents instead of riding with someone who could have gotten her injured or even killed because they were drinking and driving and the parents should have rewarded thier daughter for doing the right thing not punish her for it.I have an open relationship with my kids and I try to make the right decisions and punishments based on what they did.I hope you have a great day.1 person likes this
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
20 Aug 10
I see the parents side to and when my daughter started dating and I felt uncomfortable about it I simply told my daughter that she could see her boyfriend only at the house until I could see that he was responsible enough to be alone with my daughter,I guess you would call it supervised dates.LOL.I hope you have a great day.1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
The child definitely did right. I see the parents' side, where they feel they need to protect the daughter from the boyfriend, but the problem is they did it in such a way that their daughter's don't trust them now.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
Yeah, I see their side too, it's just that their approach backfired. You have a great day too!
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Aug 10
I think the parents have lost both daughters. They may still live and live at home but now they Know they can't trust their parents. They shouldn't come to them when they have a problem. The daughter did the right thing. She called the twp people that Should have her back. But now what little trust she had is gone.And now both know they Have to lie to their parents to be able to see whom they want! So next time there is a party, the parents Won't even know! It is so sad.
What the parents Should have done is first praised their daughter for calling them. Get her home safely and then once they have cooled down, if they are pi$$ed off. they should tell her they are going to tell his parents and tell their daughter she can't see him again until he gets some help.She isn't punished for telling the truth. It is he who may get punished.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Yes. This way the kid gets the help he needs. The parents keep the closeness they have with their daughter and the couple maybe able to stay together. I guess the kids today don't have a key master. Did you see the movie Say Anything? At the party there was one guy who kept All the keys . and if you couldn't drive home, they would drive you home.I know it' fiction but I love that idea.
1 person likes this
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
19 Aug 10
Hi, D!
Those parents made a big mistake, in my eyes. Their kids are being discouraged from telling the truth - from telling them anything. The kids should be rewarded for their honesty, and advised to avoid others with poor judgment, but not forbidden to see their boyfriends. It only makes them want to go behind their parents' backs.
@cobrateacher (8432)
• United States
19 Aug 10
Strict, yes! Forbidding all contact just won't work!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98952)
• India
19 Aug 10
I am not a mother as you know it already. But if my daughter had called me to pick her up, then I would consider her mature enough to take care of herself, without me becoming paranoid about her being with that boyfriend. Being overprotective with that honesty is not right I think. If whatever has to happen, it will happen anyway. No amount of prevention would stop that. So I clearly am on the child's side!!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98952)
• India
19 Aug 10
Dawny my observation is that people dont like being corrected or told that they are wrong or their child is doing something wrong. They will resent it - take it out on the girl. Since the child already knows her limits, there is no way she is gonna stray. As a matter of fact a slight reminder to child before she leaves home - remember - anything irresponsible starts happening - I am just a phone call away. So she knows that she has to draw lines. I think when children are told it is your responsibility - they tend to behave more maturedly. But as long as we are doing it for them, they behave .. :)
1 person likes this
@gdesjardin (1918)
• United States
19 Aug 10
You make a great point vandana! The daughter was responsible to call her parents. I think she did the right thing. I have 3 children, one of which is 21. I tell him all the time, that if he drinks...not to drive. He know he can call us at any time to pick him up. His friends know that they can call us at any time of the day or night if they are in a similiar situation. Not that I am promoting any of them to go out and get drunk, and use us as a taxi-cab, but things happen and I want to make sure that no one gets behind the wheel drunk!!!!
@SViswan (12051)
• India
26 Jan 11
Yes, the parents could have handled it a little differently (though I do understand their stand). But their daughter has proved that SHE was responsible enough to call them. And they can be sure that she would take a responsible stand in future if her boyfriend is irresponsible. The parents' stand gives the impression to the daughter that they do not trust her stand.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Jan 11
Yes, I am! I haven't been mylotting for more than a few months now and I've been checking old discussions :)
Back to topic on hand....I do understand too...and I have to say as parents, we sometimes forget to look at the BIG picture when our kids' security is at stake. But as in the case you mentioned, it backfired and they've put the girl in a situation where she feels that she did the wrong thing by making the RIGHT choice.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Jan 11
Hi there, are you checking out all my old discussions? :D
I understand both sides. I think the parents should have let the daughter know that she did the right thing and that they trust her, but that the boyfriend did the wrong thing. And then they should have found a way to let her see him under controlled circumstances, ie "only if we drive" or "only in the living room". Instead they have put the daughter in a situation where she either has to stop seeing somebody she cares about, or she has to be dishonest with her parents. Not good.
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
20 Aug 10
I think the parents made a mistake.
I think they should've sat down with the girl the next day. Ask her if she'd been drinking too (tho I'd guess they could probably tell if she had.)
Ask why she didn't feel comfortable driving his car (was it standard and she only drive auto?)
I would then have discussed what she sees in this boy. Tell her I'm proud she called me instead of letting him drive, but I really didn't feel comfortable with her seeing him anymore.
I would've also called the boy's parents and let them know that he had been drinking.
IF, the boy was over 21, and my daughter was still living at home as a teen, I would remind her that this wasn't a situation I was comfortable with.
I would then meet with the boy, and his parents if he were also under 18, and tell them that you didn't feel that his drinking was something that you wanted your daughter exposed to. That the boy should get some help before it became a real problem and he is caught DUI.
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
2 Sep 10
I do not believe that she was punished for calling them. I understand how they feel about the boyfriend, but I think that it showed a lot of courage for the girl to not be dumb enough to get into the car. Good for her!!
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
3 Sep 10
dawnald,
The thing about these teen columns are never exact especially when they are being posted by unbalance hormones that does not seem to be telling the whole story.
I understand where you are coming from but I am of opinion that the parents here are not just stopping the relationship over one drink driving incident. We are now in the 21st century and I am sure parenting today is really very different. I take that parents need to be current to be relevant and I am sure the drink driving is what broke the camel's back.
Like you, I do agree that it is grossly wrong to go back on our words when our children are brutally honest. Truths are never easy to handle especially when they are responsible for the wrongdoing(s) which can be sometimes extreme. I believe this is where our very being and patience are being tested which I cannot even be sure that I would not "eat" my words.
I just pray along for other parents today that, this will not have a chance to happen. I am sorry that I cannot assure my own magnanimity when the time eventually arrives and I am sure you can understand where I am coming from.
Have a nice day.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Sep 10
Yes, I realize we may not have the entire story here. But assuming it's all true, I have to say that the parents, while probably well meaning, have taken actions that will backfire on them.
@BlueAngelRS (2899)
• Canada
2 Sep 10
I don't think I would punish my child for calling me to get home safe.....I mean I could see if he did something he wasn't supposed to he might get punished but I would rather see him tell the truth and have less consequence then telling me lies and that way I know he is safe.....My parents gave me the option to call but I never found myself in a situation where I ended up having to call them....
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Sep 10
And I never went out where there was drinking...
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
2 Sep 10
If I was the parent in this situation, I think that I would have been very proud of my daughter for having been responsible enough to determine that her boyfriend wasn't fit to drive and I would not have punished her for calling me for a ride home. In fact, the only time that I would have punished her when it came to this kind of situation would have been after the fact if I found out that my daughter did accept a ride home from someone that she knew wasn't fit to be driving.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Sep 10
A serious talk with the boyfriend wouldn't be a bad idea though...
@sunnycool (12714)
• India
19 Aug 10
That is more of a Palindrome situation --- you would be punished for confessing and lying to your parents
You should get used to it 
@moirai (2836)
• Philippines
27 Jan 11
Personally, I think the parents should have handled it differently.
If I try to break it down, here are the points:
- they were at a party - no problem there
- the boyfriend had a few drinks at the party - I don't know how young the boy is... underage? In any case, this would be the fault of the boyfriend, not the daughter
- the girl called her parents for a ride home - this actually shows good judgement on the girl's side
- did the boy actually drive while drunk? - if that's the case, this is again the boyfriend's fault, not the girl's
So it's quite clear that the girl did not do anything wrong. What is she being punished for then? For having an 'irresponsible' boyfriend? Well, that is arguable - the boyfriend being irresponsible, and to what degree... But anyway, let's go back to the daughter. She showed good judgement and maturity by her action. If I were in the parents' shoes, I would even have commended her for what she did. And the only other thing that is needed is to talk to the daughter and remind her that being responsible and knowing one's limits is one quality she may want to look for in a person she has a relationship with. And I would have been confident so far that the daughter would be able to make the right decisions for herself...
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Jan 11
Well to argue the parents' case, the boyfriend was very irresponsible, and why would they want to allow their daughter to see somebody who has bad judgment like that? But on the other hand, I don't think telling a teenager who they can or cannot see is going to work, and the effect of keeping them apart is giving her the message that she is being punished for doing the right thing. So I think the parents should loosen up and find a compromise. Let the girl know she did the right thing, but that they are very disappointed with the boyfriend, and in some way limit how they can see each other.
@tarachand (3895)
• India
30 Aug 10
It all depends on how the message was framed and conveyed to the children. I think that the parents may have mishandled the conveyance of the message.
Personally I am completely in favor of what the parents did, and it seems that both the children are not acting responsibly and are being completely selfish, and well, childish (as opposed to teenish!)
I don't reckon the parents action punitive, rather it shows love and concern for their offspring's well being. Maybe their way of putting it across was lacking? (I have not tried following the link in your discussion, this just the first off the cuff reaction of a parent of two sons and a daughter)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Aug 10
This is only from the daughter's perspective, we don't have the parents' side of the story, but I do think their actions have had rather the opposite effect than what they intended, if the other daughter has decided she won't call her parents if this situation comes up.
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
27 Aug 10
If she had nothing to drink, they should have praised her for it and the decision to call them. They then should have sat down and had a discussion on how they should handle the irresponsible boyfriend. Demanding they don't see each other will probably not work, as they will sneak around.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 10
yeah or the daughter will be really resentful and not call next time...
@34momma (13882)
• United States
23 Aug 10
i would only tell my child they could not see the boyfriend for a while if they got in the car with him and something happened. She did the right thing by asking her parents to pick her up. the parents she that side of it and tell her good job on not getting in the car with him or anyone who is drinking and driving! shame on the parents
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Aug 10
And probably they will be totally shocked when nobody calls them the next time it happens.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
25 Aug 10
I think the parents behaved illogically and unreasonably. Their daughter showed responsibility and probably obedience by phoning her parents and being honest. The boy too didn't insist his girl go with him. The parents should have picked both kids up and commended them for doing the right thing. They have effectively punished the girl for doing the right thing.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Aug 10
Yup and it's gonna backfire on them, mark my words!
@Humbug25 (12540)
•
27 Aug 10
Hi there dawny
Well I think they should have praised her for calling them in the first place for not driving home with her boyfriend because she had gone with him the consequences could have been a different matter altogether. What would they have done if she had driven home with him and they found out later. If this guy is clearly a rogue then of course they have cause for concern but if this is the first time and he has oppologised to the parents then I see it as no harm done and a lesson learnt. I am sure that if the girl really loved the guy then she would still continue to try and see him behind her parents back and will not want to be honest with them if she is going to be punished in such a way for being honest and up front with them. Being a parent is a hard job and we only want we feel is right for our kids at the end of the day and we sometimes get things wrong too! I think that if this guy is a loser the relationship will eventually pitter out but the parents disapproval of him will probably draw the relationship closer!
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
23 Aug 10
I think what the girl did was right. If we want to drill in the message of being responsible, and not driving while being intoxicated, this is one good example. It is just unfortunate that the person not being responsible, and being drunk is the boyfriend. That could be treated as a separate issue.
Now the parents punishing the girl for telling the truth, I think sends conflicting message. There should be consequences, like not being able to go with the boyfriend until he smartens up, but not to the extent of not being able to go to parties anymore.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Aug 10
Or let the boyfriend come over, but don't let him drive her anywhere...
