Everything But Marriage?

United States
September 19, 2010 12:22pm CST
Do you think it is possible to be in a relationship where both can obey the wedding vows Without getting married? I mean they love , honor and support each other But they Never marry? For me , that's the Only way it will be. I will never marry. Thankfully my guiy understands that. i sat down and thought I love him , honor , I am forsaking All others.... But I will never marry him! Your thoughts.
5 people like this
26 responses
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
20 Sep 10
Oh yes, Sarahruthbeth, I think it is very possible. Real love is in the heart and you don't need a piece of paper or a big ceremony to tell you what is right and what is wrong. I would be as committed and faithful to love with or without marriage. I don't think marriage itself is what holds two people together. It is the convictions in their hearts and the mutual desire to keep the relationship alive and healthy. In fact, I don't even want to live with a guy. I think that if we both have our own places and meet up when we both want to then it can be even more exiting and it also gives us both some personal space. I know a couple that separated because of problems. After they separated they realized that they do in fact really love each other and they "date" now and seem more in love and happier than I've seen them in all the years that they were married. When asked if they will ever move back in with each other, they look at each other and giggle...."Not a chance."
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
This reminds me of that Joy Behar joke, I want a man in my life , just not in my house!I totally agree. If I were to move in with my guy , we would need a huge apartment or house. Yours , mine and ours isn't just a title of two movies, it is the rule to a happy home.I realize I am living the vows without having to say them so the State gives o=us the ok to be together. it feels natural!I know if I were to marry it would All vanish. so Why marry?
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I would just let him go. Why? Before I get seriuos about a guy I tell him I Will Not marry you , period. If you want to marry , then go and marry I'll wait. In other words I rather be yout mistress than your wife . If marriage is That important then you are not the man for me. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I hope you are following your bliss.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
20 Sep 10
That's what I would do NOW but at the time I was just young and naive. I had nothing against marriage at all....just wasn't something that I "needed". Now when I hear people talking about being pressured into marriage I think to myself ...oh run from this one. If you can't be content without that piece of paper then odds are you aren't going to be with it either. I'm still not against marriage but it isn't for me. My thoughts on it are that both should be equally eager to tie that knot and if ultimatums or pressure are a part of that equation then it is best to walk away from each other right then. I do now tell guys right up front that I don't want to live together and I do not want to get married. I was more open to the possibilities when I was younger and before I'd tried it out.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
20 Sep 10
Yes,i believed so. I personally known some couples who lives for years,happily living together without being tied with the "marriage contract". I also seen people who had one of the grandest wedding rites and even married twice (civil and church wedding) and still got separated after few years. So,i think it is a matter of love,respect and harmony,not the vows made at marriage rituals.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I love watching weddings but I never wanted one of my own. I rather just go on the honeymoon.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
20 Sep 10
2 people like this
@hestylim (1211)
• Indonesia
20 Sep 10
I know a partner who just like what you said, they love each other for their whole life, but never get marry to each other. They finally raise children together. But the children they raised were not their own children. They are still living happily together without that status. I think everything is possible. Marriage is just a status away. People are different. Some need those status but others even don't care enough about that status.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I don't like the rules that come with this status.
@RossBoyy (161)
• United States
20 Sep 10
Marriage is where things go wrong. Its just a ring, you could do your commitments without having to pay for all the fuss and wear a ring.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
The true connection and commitment is in your heart . All the other stuff like rings and ceremonies is just extra.
20 Sep 10
for what you love to him, if you do not marry him. actually more comfortable if marry someone we love an you guys understand each other.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
We are One. We have so much in common . We Truly understand each other and we See and Listen to one another and we both love what we see. I don't want to see this beautiful thing get lost in a marriage. I can't watch while our feelings die right in front of us.
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
20 Sep 10
Hi Sarah... I think, Marriage is a social name for love.. .It is an act created by society... It should be there, if it is absolutely necessary.. But if, two people love each other, honor and are true to each other, then they don't need to go through the formalities of getting married and still they can stay together...
• United States
20 Sep 10
Oh! That's why when I say I never will marry , many Hear I never will love or be loved! That's why many say won't you be lonely? I have always sen marriage as prison As a trap and the End of happiness. It is even come to the point when others say I should marry , I hear they want my happiness to end and I ask why? Don't they like me?They don't know that I would be More lonely in a marriage than I would ever be alone. They must believe marriage Must be based on love , for me it isn't the case. And never will be.
@tammytwo (4303)
• United States
20 Sep 10
You are not wrong for not wanting to marry. It is your choice to marry or not to marry. I am guessing you come from a broken home yourself. I too have felt that marriage is something that should not occur between two people. I feel people do not take marriage vows seriously these days. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. With stats like that you are wise to steer clear of marriage. However, you don't want to miss out on any happiness that could come from love and marriage. As long as your partner is comfortable with the situation it should work for you!
• Philippines
20 Sep 10
Hi in my own personal opinion that is much better than getting married and the couple will end up separated eventually. What is the used of the piece of paper that you two signed together if you can't work out the marriage. What is important is the relationship and the love that you have for each other. Well, although other find marriage as a way of legalities but then if it won't work you are bound with that person for the rest of your life and it is very expensive to get a divorce or annulment... just my two cents...
2 people like this
• United States
20 Sep 10
Agreed. I know for a fact if I marry it wouldn't based on love . It would be either family obligation or money.i wouldn't see it as a partnership like what I have with my man , it would be just another unwanted job! I would have to have kids . Kids I don't want so why marry?
• Bulgaria
20 Sep 10
Ofcourse they can,Marriage is a scam.Well,unless the couple don't have a prenupt,otherwise It's a scheme(stupid gold diggers).
2 people like this
@coffeebreak (17820)
• United States
20 Sep 10
If you are doing all the "marry" things...why not marry? Why do you want and do all the "marry" things, but don't want to get married?
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I love him and with that comes all the vows , instinctively.If I Had to get permission from the State Or be Owned by a husband, my love will die and with it will all the vows. In other words the moment I am forced to say i Do, I Won't and never will Again. The love will die and indifference will take it's place. This I Know about myself since I was about 13. I Finally got the vocabulary to explain it. When I was a teen I would just say I will marry when I can fine a man I can hate without thinking about it so all the pain I will inflict will be justified.Now I see it wouldn't be hate, it would be worse, indifference.The complete shutting off of my emotions toward this thing called a husband. I rather love a lovely man than make him into a husband.I rather be happy with him and live the vows of True love than force us into the roles of husband and wife. wher I would be forced to watch my love for him die right in front of me!
@coffeebreak (17820)
• United States
21 Sep 10
Absolutely no offense intended! I didn't mean it to come off that way. Christianity is a choice. If you choose to be one.. they you are choosing to live by christian rules. If you choose another belief or life style, then you are choosing to life by those rules. How you live is your (and everyone's)own choice. If you are sure marriage isn't for you, then don't do it. Purely for discussion sake....if you love your man enough to go to hell for him...why is loving him enough to let him "own" you any worse? From what I understand, hell is pretty dang horrible! Lol! I don't believe my husband (or any husband) owns me (or anyone). A marriage vow is what you promise to do and be for that person, that is why they are "exchanged". Both parties say "love, honor and obey..." etc. Now if I had to say it and he didn't, I wouldn't be going for it! But it is a mutual thing. I'd almost have to say it was the other way around...dating a guy..he'd think he owns you (and visa versa) as if you are dating someone, they are not going to be to happy that you are dating others too. And if you dont' want to do that and just stick with the one guy (not specifically you, just for conversation sake) why not marry and make him "your own"... that way you won't loose him or worry if he is going to leave you etc.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 10
I think the problem is you se marriage as love , I see it as a battlefield . I don't ever want to fight a man I love so I will never marry him., The guy I loathe , I would marry so when I make his life a living hell , it would be fun.
@ankster (273)
• India
20 Sep 10
No Iam sorry marriage is very essential.Iam an Indian and knows the importance of marriage.Those who trust each other and have faith on each other will not get scared of marriage.Thats what I feel.Please do not take personally.You have asked opinion so Iam writing mine..I feel marriage makes you committed to that person completely.You will accept his good and bad both qualities.If you only want a person to have good qualities it cannot be possible no one is perfect and if a person doesnot want to marry then he or she will leave his or her partner because of any faults in him but if a person has the guts to marry he will wholeheartedly accept good and bad of his or her partner and there will be less chances of break ups.Thats the reason why marriage is made so that partners lead their whole life with love and devotion towards each other accepting their good and bad both aspects.Those who do not want to marry have least chances of adjusting with his partner and he or she may leave him anytime and even if you stay with anyone else there is no guarntee you will have good adjustment with him and this process cannot continue so to marry someone and taking vows of marriage is essential so that a person is committed to one person throughout his or her life.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
That's the whole point. If I marry I wouldn't see his true goodness. I will be blinded by being trapped. All of his goodness would disappear in my eyes. This is what I love about Not marrying my love. I Can See him fully, I accept him wholeheartly. We are bonded Closer than I would even bond with a husband. I have known I if I were forced to marry, I would shut off all tender feeling s and always be in defense mode. I would lash out. and that's why I always thought I should marry someone I hate so it would be easier!Thankfully here in the States , we don't have to marry , nor have children.if I were Indian ,I would have been disowned. I wouldn't marry. i don't have a desire to harm a man like that.
@ankster (273)
• India
20 Sep 10
You are right but according to me I guess you want to be in relationship with complete freedom.This western culture is coming to our country in metros like Mumbai and Delhi but the results are serious.People are ending up in depressions and breakups because this is not considered the correct way to love,judge and lead your life with a person.You are right at your place and probably your country is so open that you guys do not mind trying out things and relationsships but our country is orthodox and may be thats the reason many people if our leading unsuccesful married lives then there are people who are leading stable and successful married life as well.Atleast there is stability.My friend I respect your opinion.Keep sharing
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
You are Indian? The way you arrange marriage seems perfect to me. the marriage is based on family obligation and is taken way seriously. You go in knowing you Have to make it work. Here many marriages are based on love , lust or money. True love may survive and even help keep a marriage together but the other two? It is very shaky! Me? I never wanted children so arranging a marriage where I was expected to have kids wouldn't work. So I am connected by love alone and I never want to try to mix it with marriage.I respect your views too . Thanks for your response.
@kquiming (2999)
• Philippines
19 Sep 10
but why don't u want to get married?
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 10
If I marry ,I'll go from a lover to a wife. The love I Now feel will die and turn into indifference. This I have known about myself. I rather be a lover than wife. A friend inside of the mother of his children. I rather Remain connected than drift apart.
@tammytwo (4303)
• United States
20 Sep 10
You can decide to remain a lover even after you become a wife. The decision is up to you but I truly understand your concern.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
Tammytwo , it isn't mentally possible for Me to be both.
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
19 Sep 10
Sweetie, i prefer being in a relationship than getting married. Not only for the being a lover and then a wife part. There is just something in married life that scares the hell out of me. Maybe it's the divorce rate world wide or something. I don't think you are wrong on this. A lot of women and some men feel like this. Why do you get married today?? To be divorced next year or the year after that? No thanx. I will pass on that one. TATA.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 10
It isn't the divorce rate , it is what I would Have to become when I marry, a wife! I'm not a wife!
@coffeebreak (17820)
• United States
20 Sep 10
So if you marry and get divorced after few years, that is morbid, however, if you live together and separate after a few years, that is okay. I don't go for that. If you can't commit to me in marriage.. I don't trust you to not leave whenever you want to. Yes, you can leave if married, but I think that if you marry with the right reasons and all...you will try harder to stay together when times are tough. To me...knowing that either can just walk if just living together, makes it more shakey for me. Yes, you can walk out of a marriage, but there's something about that paper nad the celebration of commitment that give security to me. If you are just living together and things go bad... you get nothing. If married...first you get the "married filing joint" tax deduction, but also...you get restitution in the end. IF just living together, "common Law marriage" isn't as effective as an actual marriage.. at least from things I have seen. If you didn't get married, why should you get the benefits a marriage offers if divorce happens?
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
Coffeebreak The fact that either can leave is what I like about it. If I love a man I want him to be happy with or without me.If the true connection isn't there, no paper will create it. I love that I don't have to have the permission of the State to love and be with a man. I don't see any benefits in marriage for me. I Never want children and I won't love a husband . I will just be trapped.and because I'm trapped I would lash out at him , I know it.If we are just going together , he can leave. I rather he leave than be with me and be miserable. If we are married we can't leave plus if he is miserable , So Be it!
• China
20 Sep 10
It is necessary to get married.If you fall in love with each other,you need not get married.But if you have a children,he or she need legal parents.You should consider the next generation.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I don't want kids. If I did , I still wouldn't marry a man I love. I would just breed with the husband and then have a lover later. But that's me. Here in the states you can have kids without being married. There are many , many loving single parents. here there are many fathers who will Never know they have children because the mothers never tell them. The next generation has at least one loving parent. If each couple had to marry to have these kids , they would promptly divorce after or even before the child is born.
• China
20 Sep 10
I am very sorry.I don't understand the American culture.so I agree your idea.I support you.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
It is simple, we are free to not marry. There are many children that are born where the parents didn't get married.And then there are women who have the baby and Never tell the father.Kid come but we don't see that as a strong enough reason to marry.
@Galena (9123)
19 Sep 10
of course it's possible. lots of people do it. and it doesn't mean it's less of a relationship for that either. just some people want to get married and some don't. It makes no difference to me whether they choose to marry or not. whatever makes you happy.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Sep 10
Thanks. Wife material I am not. I thought the G-ds would make me choose, either be happy or get married. How? I thought I would fall for a guy who Wanted to marry me or he would leave. Well, That didn't happen. My guys loves me and will not marry me! I'm so lucky!
• United States
19 Sep 10
Thanks. Wife material I am not. I thought the G-ds would make me choose, either be happy or get married. How? I thought I would fall for a guy who Wanted to marry me or he would leave. Well, That didn't happen. My guys loves me and will not marry me! I'm so lucky!
• United States
19 Sep 10
Oops. I 'm sorry, Somehow I commented twice!
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
22 Sep 10
Although I could be religious and spiritual at times, I could also be realistic. And I could see the argument of marriage as just being a bind with a piece of paper. So, if you are already doing all of this that you say sarah, then I shouldn't be able to tell the difference. In all practicality, it should be the same. And in this case, the term 'marriage' would just become a label.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Sep 10
It is the label and the roles that come with marriage I loath.Plus I never want kids. So why marry. I started this post because i sat down and thought of the vows and how As long as I Don't get married, I can keep these vows. After responding to all these comments i realized that if I was forced to marry , the moment I said the vows I would naturally break all of them! I would shut down and disconnect , If I were connected to my husband! I don't know if my guy believe me when i say I would be the worse wife but at least he understands I will Never marry him and he is ok with it, thank G-d!I honestly thought the love of my life would Want to marry me. But now I know The One for me wouldn't want to marry me. I know many women are waiting , praying that their guy will Want to marry them and I am here feeling so thankful my guy doesn't!
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Sep 10
If it works for you...
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 10
It works so well Thanks.
• Canada
20 Sep 10
I believe it's whatever works for the individual. You and I have disagreed over time about what marriage actually IS, and my marriage is anything but traditional, however if marriage won't work for you, a committed relationship without marriage is entirely possible. I know such couples, and they are just as committed.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
I have read how you and Hubby are and I am amazed . I keep thinking , this is a marriage? But I Know your type of relationship wouldn't happen to me until I met my guy! We are One. That's the best way I can explain it and I Know I never will marry him.I never want to ruin it.for me I have to choose, either I can be a lover and happy or a wife an miserable. I choose happiness.
@nikramos (701)
• Philippines
20 Sep 10
i've never been married myself but with how i see your thoughts (all things being fair, not considering your age or other experiences, just pure women's thoughts), i think you are afraid of going astray in the course of the relationship and not be able to get away with it if you get married because you will be bound by the laws and it will make things harder if the time comes that everything else changed. i'm not saying the relationship won't work but it's a given reality nowadays. you know what, you just actually gave me a new insight on marriage. since i was a teen until the minute before i read your discussion, i was always firm with the belief that getting married is the only path a lasting relationship should take. but yeah you have a strong point in saying you can still both show love for your partner even out of marriage. some cultures are just too stiff about the whole concept of getting married. it's all about the choice of the couple in love and what makes them happy. i hope no one gets offended here, just my thought :)
1 person likes this
@asxenon (1441)
• Malaysia
20 Sep 10
I think marriage would be a good think if both of you love each other. What's wrong with marriage? What happens if you got pregnant if you don't want to marry? I think a relationship lasts only if both of you understand each other and be prepared to deal with problems together and discuss any misunderstandings to each other. I don't see any point not to get married if you are really in a true relationship with a guy. Anyway, the choice are yours.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Sep 10
Simple. Unlike you, instead of growing closer to a husband , I will naturally grow apart. You write of working together through problems , if I am married I will close up and fight with my husband Until he leaves me. For me I can work out things better if I am not owned by a husband.so so a guy to have my love and respect , he should never marry me! My guy understands this thank G-d! If I got pregnant I would abort it. I never want children. If I Wanted children then I would Have to get married? No! I just Never wanted children either.