How dare they say they are jealous when they are the ones who allow it to happen

Polygamists - How bizarre is this for you??
United States
November 30, 2010 3:43pm CST
I am not a fan of Oprah but while on vacation have been watching a few of her shows. I cannot get over the whole polygamists arrangement, especially when the women discuss on how jealous they get. Between them all the man has 13 children and wonder how this affects them. Call me stingy but I am one that would never share my man with anyone, especially in this type of arrangement. One of the sister-wives as they called themselves, conveyed to her husband how would he feel if she was courting someone. He had the gull to convey that he would not allow and accept this in his relationship. Call me crazy but is this not a double standard? Can someone explain to me how this form of arrangement can work with a man who has 3 wives and working on number four, yet feel his women cannot seek elsewhere?!? So confused...
7 people like this
21 responses
@KrauseHome (35522)
• United States
22 Sep 11
Personally, I have always wondered how any woman can do this. Personally would you not feel ashamed having to share another man with this many women? Even having to all live together with all your kids under the same roof? Personally I would think this shows little Self Esteem for these women if they truly feel that it is Best to live like this, and why would any woman believe that this is OK? Makes you wonder what sort of upbringing and training they are ever taught.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 11
Although some actually find this to be okay, I myself could never share my man with another woman, let alone a group of them. To top to allow it in my own home, oh my never. I do think it did have to do with the self esteem of the women from this discussions as I could see the hurt and teary eyes. I can't imagine sleeping in a bed room knowing my partner was in someone elses bed. Wow, it would never happen and can't imagine the children growing up thinking this is normal. Somehow I think the children would be ashamed to have their friends over, especially if their friends families are not this way.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
3 Dec 10
I honestly don't know how people that are in polygamist relationships are able to make it work. I know that I would have a lot of issues with it if it was I that was in this kind of situation. However, they are the ones that decided to be in that relationship and therefore I don't think that any of them have the right to be jealous because they all knew what they were getting into (except for maybe the original wife). If you make that kind of a conscious decision, you really shouldn't be allowed to regret the decision later.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 10
Their reasoning for being on Oprah is because they now are facing legal issues about their arrangement. I feel that the women used the opportunity to voice their jealousy issues as perhaps they were afraid for some odd reason to do while at home, especially after being in this arrangement for so many years, and countless kids later. I too could not ever agree to this and well they are the ones that are willing.
@RamRes (1725)
• Argentina
3 Dec 10
It's not for me too. I'm a one girl man only, and never may think of many simultaneous relationships (I can barely sustain one, not speaking three!!!!!) I never heard about that "show" but, from what you sayed on it here, it seems more that a mounting for a TV show more than real life. The girls are contradictory, they are jealous, but even remain there and birthing childs with him, maintainig the home while the man is doing nothing???? It sound as some kind of arrangment instead of their own will. If it's really their decision, it's ok, those are their lives, and if they're from a culture where that is normal, ok, go on. But not for me.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 10
I so agree with you that it is also not for me. These women are living this in real life and are facing criminal charges as it is against the law in our state. This is not a cultural thing for them but a preference. Since I myself cannot agree with this for me I feel they are nuts, but hey as you said it is their preference and well they are the ones who live with this. Thanks for contributing to the discussion.
1 person likes this
@gdesjardin (1938)
• United States
2 Dec 10
I haven't watched the Oprah show, but I have seen Sister Wives on cable and that is disgusting in my eyes! There is no way I could share my husband with someone else, let alone 3 other wives! As yes, I do feel that those kids will need some serious counseling! I know when we went to Utah to visit my sister-in-law and her family there were a lot of polygimists out there. I don't see how you can do that without there being major arguments in the household!
• United States
3 Dec 10
I suppose there are a great many women who are excepting of this type of relationship, but thankfully I am not one at all, and have no intention of ever being one. I can imagine the major arguments in a household as you know that conventional families with a lot of children they can also have arguments, but I can imagine a bit more with them as their are more mommies with more opinions and well that has to make the children a bit out of sorts.
1 person likes this
@gloryacam (5546)
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
It is a double standard, indeed. But, if we're speaking of a Muslim husband, he is allowed up to four wives as long as he can support them. But that does not go well with a wife. I cannot myself imagine sharing my husband with someone, or me having two lovers. And I wonder what makes them allow it. But, that is tradition, and I'm in no position to question it because it's their tradition, not mine.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 10
This particular case it was not cultural or tradition but simply a choice that although I can respect people for their choices it just seemed bizarre to hear that the women although not obligated still were jealous. The women were the ones that worked and earned and the man did not. Now he is bringing a fourth even younger wife to the home and I saw some teary eyes there even though they stated they were okay with it.
• Canada
1 Dec 10
I watched this Oprah too, as well as watched every episode of the reality show they have on TLC. I dont know why I watch it, I guess to try to understand it? I personally could not do this, my man is mine and no one elses! However I do not judge these people they are all consenting adults who are capable of making thier own decisions. He did not lie to them about how things were going to be and is not disrespecting them, becuase they knew what they were getting into before they married him. Also they are free to leave whenever they want. I do not understand how he could see her courting another man as repulsive, yet still court, engage and marry a new women. However I believe when they got involved with him everyone involved knew the rules of the game. That means he is allowed to court and date with thier approval on who...and they are not allowed to have a relationship with another man. I personally could never be in this type of arraingement, but I also could not be a swinger, date a stripper, or any other type of relationship that people have now-a-days. I am a 1 man who has 1 women, who are only with each other type of girl! So I have no idea how they can think and feel like this, but they are all willing to be in the relationship and follow the rules, so I wish them the best! As for me I'll stay happily in my monogomis relationship!
• United States
1 Dec 10
You and I are are similar when it comes to our relationship preference. As you I too like to find out so that I can better respect others pickings. But I can certainly see where one of the women, especially the newest in coming one would some day get too jealous and break the arrangement. Although they understand the rules up front they did have firm points about him kissing anyone before they were married. So what they were doing was comparing the amount of affection they had received and I suppose this goes against their prearranged rules. To each his own, but I feel they should then not complain and wish them all the best as they are facing criminal charges and their happy home is now in jeopardy as they are being threatened to have their children taken from them. I suppose me being in this type of situation, my children would come first and I certainly would not proceed and or allow it to go further. But they seem very confident that they will be fine.
1 person likes this
@bingskee (5237)
• Philippines
30 Nov 10
sick man. this is so double standard. it is almost as unfathomable as the unending depths of hell. ha ha
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Nov 10
I so agree as you should have seen the look on his face, as if he was secure with the living conditions I suppose the women having other men would not matter. But truly for me this is certainly way too sick for me to ever consider and imagine.
1 person likes this
@maezee (32955)
• United States
30 Nov 10
I don't get this. This is not my culture, not how I was raised. If this makes the women happy..then, good for them, I suppose, you know? Because you never know. I am a one-man kind of girl, and if my man isn't a one-girl kind of man..Then buh bye! It would always always always feel like cheating to me, even if it was with my consent. I mean, I feel like you give 100% to your husband/wife (or that's how it seems like, not that I have one or anything lol), and it would just be weird to feel like you were SHARING him with 6 other women. Plus, when on earth would you even get time to spend with him? Ugh! I can't imagine that at all. I just wouldn't do it. I do think it's weird that in polygamy (I didn't know this! I learn something new everyday I s'pose) that women can't have multiple men, but men can have plenty of different wives. I mean, that's kind of sexist and masochistic if you ask me.. No thanks..I am much too much of a feminist, I think, for this kind of lifestyle!
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Nov 10
I am with you one hundred percent as I do not treat a man in the beginning of a relationship, I do however state me and me only or it is no longer an us thing at all. I am totally open to learning ways of others so that I can respect them for their choices but I was so confused with this one as the women were very jealous they even shed tears discussing their sharing kisses and all I could think is who the heck is forcing her there and why would she say she loves it this way. I have to stand firm that it is not a choice but more like they feel they cannot find a man of their own.. hmmm standing firm.
1 person likes this
@angelic123 (1112)
• United States
30 Nov 10
It is like a Harem, the man has concubines. I watched Anna and the KIng of Siam, the king has many wives and children because the king wanted to be sure that there will be heir to his throne. It was said that having many wives and kids will protect the royal family. But in this present day? What is the reason? I think it is not right. I heard that Muslims are allowed to have many wives too. But how come a wife can not have many husbands? I think it is because of the male ego thing.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Nov 10
You are absolutely correct the EGO!! As you should have seen the look on his face when they were filming and he was not happy at all. I suppose this ego thing exists in monogamous relationships also only when we are monogamous we decide as women not to share and well any man who does not respect has no business being in that type of relationship.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
30 Nov 10
I watched this show one night whilst alone and the second time with my daughter. I think that it is sick!!!! Two - now three of the women are working to help maintain the home. Totally crazy. This man has it made I could not believe what I was watching hence the second viewing with the daughter and now they are making mega money for the pathetic husband. Double standards indeed. Totally wrong and crazy and look what the chikdren are learning?
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Nov 10
Did you happen to notice that when Oprah asked the kids that how they felt with so many other children being shared by the father. That none of the kids actually answered the question, but simply saying it is fun. I cannot understand even in monogamous families where siblings sort of get jealous of one another, how these 16 kids seem to think it find and dandy and nothing is wrong. My first reaction when Oprah asked how does he feed his family. I heard the women some with massive careers work but did not hear that he does..hmmmm interesting..
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
1 Dec 10
I saw that show too. At first I thought they were all in agreement and who are we to judge the situation. In listening to these women though, it's all really pretty pathetic. They one minute claim to all be friends...a sisterhood so to speak and then they get jealous. They walked into this knowing full well what they were in for. It's not like he lied to them or anything. And then he has the nerve to say that they can't seek anyone but him??? I don't feel sorry for these women at all. I actually didn't get the impression that they were seeking sympathy. I think that the show was all about understanding them. I don't think it should be a legal matter either. There are men that have affairs and have children outside of their marriages all the time. There are women that think nothing of sleeping with and having children with married men. There are people that never marry and have children with multiple partners and the law never steps in. The only difference with this is that these people are being open about it. If this is what they want and the kids are being well taken care of then I really don't care what they do.
• United States
1 Dec 10
Outside of my personal feelings that I think they are nuts, I too have no feelings about how they choose to run their lives. The only thing I do not get is that they say it is so wonderful, Okay I will give them that, but then get jealous and live under double standard conditions; this I do not get. But again, they have to share their man, I don't and won't.. So to each their own I suppose, just glad it is not me. As for the law portion of it, yeah they can do what the like, however the law says polygamy in their state is illegal so like any other law it must be obeyed. It would be like making exceptions for all other laws as well I suppose.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
1 Dec 10
Ya but these are not legal marriages right? Unless they are all getting the benefits of a married couple and filing their taxes as such etc. then it is nothing more than a weird lifestyle, right? Did they actually get marriage licences and all for each marriage?
• United States
1 Dec 10
Oh yes they all had their individual marriages, ceremonies, receptions and licensed, and this is why they now have troubles with the law. Had they just been living together then the law would not have interfered. Outside of just making sure the children were in a safe environment.
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
1 Dec 10
Hi sweetie. Sounds funky to me. I won't share my man with anyone else at all. How is it that the men can but not the women, though. I think all of them are freaking idiots in any way. TATA.
• United States
1 Dec 10
Especially where the women are the only ones that work and he does not. Sounded to me like insecurity is a factor. As wouldn't we know ahead of time that it was not okay for the women to see other men prior to getting into the agreement. Strictly my opinion, but I think it is nuts.
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
2 Dec 10
Then those women are just as stupid as the men. They actually deserve each other. The whole freaking lot of them.
• United States
2 Dec 10
I have to absolutely agree and well this is how they choose to live. Who can figure.
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
Polygamy is a complicated thing, i know but once you tried it you'll know why it feels great.
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
I'd rather you try it.
• United States
1 Dec 10
I do not see anything complicated about something they fully well know they are getting into. What gets complicating is that knowing well the rules why question and or get jealous later. To each his own but then do not complain later. LOL
• United States
2 Dec 10
HA! Me either..
@MsTickle (24983)
• Australia
9 Dec 10
I can understand how it would work but I can't understand the jealousy. This is their culture. It's a way of life for them; they grow up with the understanding that this behaviour is quite acceptable...that's why I don't understand how someone can feel jealousy. Of course we see it as a double standard but they don't. They see monogamy as weird. LOL.
• United States
9 Dec 10
This is not part of their culture with this particular family. It is a choice they decided to be in. They are in trouble with the law as they have broken it by all being married so they decided to display their life to the world, perhaps to get supporters. I do not think the questions they made their husband were pre-planned as they were sadden while asking. So it is my opinion not only is it a double standard, but I sensed a bit of insecurity in these women.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24983)
• Australia
10 Dec 10
I thought you were speaking about a group of polygamists...sorry. Sometimes when we are young, something different can seem very exciting. No doubt these women (I'm assuming they are young) were inexperienced and in love with and wanting to please their man who was probably very persuasive...you know the type..."if you truly love me you will do what I want"
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Sep 11
Someone revived my discussion and I noticed you commented here, I don't think I received the notifier so very sorry for my so late comment. Yes silly how love needs to be proven by accepting this, and wow how sad to watch some of the women looking sad although for the show they appeared as if this was normal. I have not seen you MsTickle in so long and am hoping all is well with you. I understand if not coming here is due to offline obligations. I do sincerely hope you are fine and hope to see you sometime soon.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 10
In almost all of the polygamy that I've read about it is one man and many wives. I'm not saying that it cannot work with one man and many wives (we used to have that in our own history), but it does seem like a double standard to say that only a man can have many wives. Why not a wife with many husbands? I see no basis though that these children are affected by being related by a common father and different mother. That is not uncommon in the day and age of divorces, widows/ers etc. I've known families who would each have children from a previous marriage who get married and have more children together. Some children fight, others do not. It is just the nature of children in general. To say that sibling rivalry would only occur in a polygamous household seems a bit of a stretch. I will say though that a system such as this does work well in a community where women out number the males. It allows for every female to be provided for and cared for. I think that is something in the modern age we tend to forget about in reference to polygamy. Even Abraham of the bible was a polygamist, even it is is not spoken about openly. I have not yet seen the new show Sister Wives, but I would assume if they are truly committed to each other and their family that is how it works. I've had several Mormon friends over my life and one of the key elements of their church is family. Even though my friends were not polygamists (it's a very small sect of Mormons who actually are, most are monogamous) they did share those core values and had close networks within their families. Namaste-Anora
• United States
1 Dec 10
It certainly is a preference to say the least for the people on the show. This is one of the reason I don't venture into these areas as I would be so jealous I could not stand it. As a single parent I know it can be done, whereas we bring other children into a relationship, but I do not know how the children on the show understand it is okay that the father shares himself with several women, as this to me is indifferent. See my boyfriend has a little one who spends a great deal of time with us. Although we are amicable with the mom, he does not share himself with her mom. I suppose if they are raised in this type of environment and home they know nothing different so I suppose they adapt. Because I am not a polygamist, it would not have been something I would have brought and or exposed in my home. The older children were asked how they felt and there were a great many pauses, and stares among each prior to responding. So I do not think they are 100% percent comfortable with the situation, but then what do I know, I do not live with them. At any rate they are facing criminal charges as it is against the law where they live.. So also knowing that, why would this be a good example for the kids also. Outside of living in a country where it is accepted I would think.
• United States
1 Dec 10
I'm not supportive of a lot of the laws we have in this country to be honest. We have so many antiquated laws that it is just silly. Perhaps these people are simply exercising their right to Civil Disobedience. It's not the first time in this country someone did so to change the laws. Though I'm not sure we've really gotten away from debtors prisons being how you can still end up in jail. That aside, I think that we can never fully know how another thinks because most of us as humans never give their way of thinking the thought. We simply come to things with preconceived notions, beliefs, and so forth and judge others based upon those life experiences. As far as behavior on the show that probably stems not from their lifestyle but from the number one fear in the world-public speaking. How would you feel on such a show if you were had millions of viewers judging you on your lifestyle? My guess is you'd be very nervous, especially if the audience was already against it. To put this into perspective, what if you went on the talk show to speak about why monogamy was the only way to live, and discuss it to a room full of polygamists? See my point? It's all relative. I am not a polygamist, I'm polyamorous. I can state that no matter what your relationship people get jealous. It doesn't matter if the relationship is between you and your spouse, you and a lover, you and a friend, a child-child, or what have you. Jealousy is a human emotion and one that none of us are free of having. I do not know one single solitary person alive, who has lived, etc who did not have a smidgen of jealousy occur in their life. Even the God of the Old Testament was a "jealous" god. What does this tell you about people? People get jealous and we deal with it. I was a single parent and I can tell you it WAS NOT easy. I certainly could have used an extra few hands, income, etc. In my current marriage I am very open to having another female or male for all of the same reasons I am married to my primary partner, but I am also open to the extra help with the children and household. Do you know how many times I've been called selfish for this very view and I'm not a polygamist. To me, anyone accusing people of being selfish in this lifestyle or the what are simply experiencing temporary jealousy. It happens and I'm fine with that as I know it will pass and they will go on with their life and I will go on with mine. Namaste-Anora
• United States
2 Dec 10
So true as my life will also go on, with or without this type of preference of others. Lord knows I know what it is like to be a single parent with absolutely no help what so ever, I do not have parents and or siblings and raised two kids who have both recently graduated college, without their father and or financial help of any sort. Everyone has their preference and I have mine, what is right for me may not be right for others. So if anyone has a problem with my jealousy and or selfishness about not sharing my man, no problem with me, as I live with him and not anyone else. Why would anyone call anyone selfish about how they choose to live, that is odd that anyone would do that. As for me personally I would never go on a show to speak of monogamy and or display my life on a TV show, even if it was to help others to learn how to cope with it, as my thoughts is that we will never be able to control and or please people in life and I am a very private person. I do see you point but it is never going to happen with me. As for the people on the show, it is a fact that they knew what they were getting into and yet the women sort of ganged up on the man and said they wanted him to promise never to kiss another women until after marriage. My thoughts with this is that this was an agreed arrangement so why would they now after several years start changing the rules. Wouldn't they know that as the wife they could not date other men, before they married and not several years later ask how he would feel about it, as it was the women who asked him, not the host and or audience members. I would think this would be discuss prior to the forth wife. Oh well, live goes on with and without public opinions.
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
1 Dec 10
Hey hwg! I think that this "arrangement" is one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of! And if these women are stupid enough to agree to it then they get what they deserve! Why wasn't 3 enough? He needed to add another one? WTF is wrong with these people? I the women are dumb enough to put up with this lunacy then I don't feel sorry for them! The are jealous? Then why would you "marry" a man/moron who has more than one wife?
• United States
1 Dec 10
I know exactly what you are saying. I sat there and watched the entire show, somehow that that I could comprehend, instead it got me thinking that I was not off track. I hope I do not offend anyone when I say all I got from the way these people on this show live, is that the women are so insecure they perhaps feel they cannot find a man of their own. As I saw nothing absolutely that made me think that it was a beautiful and unique arrangement outside of a man with not a slice of cake but the entire cake and the women are no different from monogamous women when it comes to jealousy. The only difference is that they allow themselves to be in this situation. All I could think is that they have 16 children they are molding for the future and if the children somehow do not agree with this arrangement perhaps they will be destructive in many other ways. I watched the expressions when the children were asked about the many wives and they were very hesitant and vague and none of them said it was love that kept them together, instead said it was fun, with a smirk on their face.. Too sad, because all of them are facing criminal charges so where does that leave the kids when we are suppose to teach them to abide by the law and know right from wrong. hmmm
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
1 Dec 10
That's a very important point you brought out~What about the kids? What will become of them emotionally and if this "family" does fall apart because of legal ramifications then what will become of them altogether? These people are really causing alot of harm to innocent children.
• United States
1 Dec 10
Absolutely Opal see heaven forbid I go nuts and accept this type of arrangement, especially knowing it was against the law, why on earth would I bring children into the picture. Ugh.. things people do not consider as a whole..
@indahfth (11173)
• Indonesia
1 Dec 10
Actually I am very much against polygamy. But I am puzzled, when asked an opinion about polygamy. For some women, polygamy is acceptable. But there is also expressly reject. I myself have a dilemma, when my husband, asking permission to marry again. I had time to think, to ask for divorce. But there are a lot of thought and explanation of the problem of polygamy, which made me to accept, although it is very difficult. Many women say, this is a stupid thing to share a husband. But there are explanations for this, although it is difficult to comprehend.
• United States
1 Dec 10
I am so happy and glad that I would never be put in this position as it is not something accepted in my culture, religion and or environment. However, I will respect all who have no choices. In this instance the women had choices but yet they were upset and jealous about certain things in the relationship. The man does not work and the women do, they have all the children, and do all the housework. The man can date have intimacy with other women and the women are not allowed only but with the one. Seems unfair, especially when you have a choice.
@indahfth (11173)
• Indonesia
1 Jan 11
Yes. It's not fair. Sometimes it can be excruciating. Moreover, when the state was not in my favor. Even sometimes, I felt only as a supplement.
@zapatee (477)
• Philippines
3 Dec 10
in muslim traditions, it is perfectly normal for a man to marry up to four times. however, the conditions must be that he will be able to support them all and the man must have the full consent of each wife (or is it the first wife? i forget, lol) before he can take on a new one. often, the men who are able to do this are wealthy because that ensures their capacity to support many wives and children. well, i respect other people's traditions, but i certainly think that a man having many wives and children while the women are expected to be submissive in this kind of practice is, yes, double-standard. and if this man is really jobless and relying on his wives for financial support, it's all the more shameful. i hope the kids are not getting teased in school for this.
• United States
3 Dec 10
After viewing the show, I could not stop thinking that in this case it certainly was unfair to the women, but I could not be sympathetic because they are not obligated in any way and they want to be in this form of arrangement. As it is not part of their cultural but their preference. Shame really that they prefer to live with a man who does not work and relies on them to be the bread winners. I agree also as kids at schools can be really cruel.
@Xansus (950)
• Bulgaria
1 Dec 10
I can't get it ? I hardly give my heart and i don't have time even to think for someone else (because of my addiction to my love :P ) . But they got 4 wifes - this movie must be really stupid ... Maybe its some random relationship movie without love ?
• United States
1 Dec 10
Actually it was on Oprah and a true story so people apparently live this way. I am with you as I too, once I give my heart I expect full respect. Reason why I am saying I do not see respect is that he brought in a fourth wife and yet the women are not allowed to see other men. Relationships to me are suppose to be equal and I see the women falling short here. Thanks for contributing to the discussion.
• Philippines
1 Dec 10
I myself is also confused about this kind of arrangement...it almost seemed like it is one-sided where the man benefits most of the time. For my point of view a discrimination between man and woman is evident in this kind of relationship.
• United States
1 Dec 10
Yes the arrangement certainly has it's boundaries and well this is how they choose to live. I feel that if they wanted me/others to understand then they should not be jealous as they are the ones who agreed. Just so glad myself that this type of arrangement is not my cup of tea.