My Dad Is Dying...

@LadyMarissa (12165)
United States
July 22, 2011 4:05pm CST
My Dad is 87 years old. On Sunday, July 3, I went over & cooked lunch for my Dad like I've been doing every Sunday since my Mom passed & he seemed to be just fine. On Monday, July 4, he called to say he wasn't feeling very good; so I went over to check on him. He was having severe stomach cramping. Having NO clue what it might be, I took him to the Emergency Room at the hospital. They admitted him saying he had Diverticulitis. They treated him for the Diverticulitis for 2 weeks & he still wasn't getting any better so they did a Colonoscopy to see how severe the infection was. As it turns out, he didn't have Diverticulitis, he has colon cancer!!! Dad has been saying he was ready to die so he could go be with my Mom for the last 3 years. So, when he heard that he has one of the most aggressive forms of colon cancer, he refused to be treated. He says that God has finally blessed him with a way out of this world & he's taking Him up on it!!! Now I'm sitting with him at a Hospice House watching him sleep. We couldn't talk him out of wanting to die, so ALL we can do at this point is do our best to keep him as comfortable until God calls him home!!! How do you deal with waiting for a loved one to die??? I'm NOT handling it very well!!!
7 people like this
15 responses
@catof1 (683)
• United States
22 Jul 11
Nothing can prepare you with loosing a parent espeicialy the last living one. The only consolation is that you had a wonderfull full life with him and kept going over there to see him. Now you are at his side doing what he thinks is right. He loves you beyond words and apreciates what you are doing more than he can express. Just know he will always be there with you and looking down from heaven with your mom when he does pass on. You are a very very strong person, dig down to that part of you right now and just start talking to you dad about what he wants done once he has passed. Maybe a movie if it does not hurt too much. If he can write let him write in a journal or a simple note to you and perhaps to all. It will make not only you feel better but him too like he has finished all his work here on earth. I would be balling the whole time but that is not a flaw that is being human. It REALY does take time for things like this and a LOT of prayers. Even if it feels like God is not listening, He is.
2 people like this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
22 Jul 11
WELCOME TO MYLOT!!! Thank you for your kind response!!! I have been bawling the whole time!!! My sadness is NOT for my Dad. I'm being selfish, my sadness is for me & my family!!! I totally understand his need to go...they were married for 65 years & best friends for 10 years before that. He is lost without her!!! I am just beginning to get past the grief of losing my Mom & now I'm grieving my Dad & he's still here with me. This vigil of sitting here waiting for him to die is stressing me out!!! I keep telling myself that we are allowing him to choose how he wants to go & he's being afforded the chance to go with dignity!!! At his age & in his weakened condition, he wouldn't survive the operation to remove the tumor & if he did, he would probably be bedridden for the rest of his life!!! He says that is NOT living, He sees that option as a torturous way to die!!! How can I not honor his request??? BTW, I've NOT lost my faith in God...I know He is in the process of guiding my Dad Home!!!!
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
22 Jul 11
Sweet Marissa I am so sorry to read this and I wish I could be with you right now and hug you but please dear Friend know my heart and thoughts are with you and also remember that all you Friends here are with you to you have my email if you need me big hugs
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
23 Jul 11
Dearest Gabs... You ARE here with me & I can feel the huggg!!! I can also see Gissi doing his "I'm cute" dance!!! This is one of the absolute BEST things about myLot...your friends (old & new) are ALWAYS there to support you when life gets you down!!!
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
23 Jul 11
Hi Marissa, Gabs & Marti~I've read all your posts and you've all said what I'd planned on saying. Mylot is a special place, at least for the 4 of us and others we know who are always here for each no matter what. I just so wish that when things like this happen that we were all in "one place together" physically so we could really hug and talk~ But, I think you will all agree that even though we aren't "together" the love that we have for one another reaches so much further~Love you all, Leslie @LadyM-comment below
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
24 Jul 11
You know Leslie, I physically feel EVERY hug sent my way!!! And oh what a GLORIOUS feeling it is!!! I have made such WONDERFUL friends since joining the Lot!!!
@thezone (9452)
• Ireland
24 Jul 11
My heart goes out to you. I dont think I would deal with either
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
26 Jul 11
Thank you!!! It's hard to deal with; but it's a part of life!!!
@thezone (9452)
• Ireland
31 Jul 11
Yes but the hardest part of life I think. Hope you are doing ok
@sacmom (14338)
• United States
23 Jul 11
"How do you deal with waiting for a loved one to die??" I handle it terribly. I remember when my maternal grandmother, who was more like a second mother to me, didn't want to live anymore. I wanted her to, while she just wanted to die. She had no interest in living and she showed it. She even stopped eating. Other family members tried to get her to, but they couldn't do it. I was the only able to, but only because I "threatened" her by telling her that she better eat, or I'd stuff the food down her throat! What can I say? I was desperate. I refused to let my grandmother go. Needless to say, that worked. LOL She didn't eat much, but at least she ate. After that, it was my job to make sure she ate...at least while she was being hospitalized anyway. She passed away 2 years later at age 79...but not from waiting to die. It was from an infection after having surgery. I was just 16 at the time... Regardless of how they go, it's always so hard. But that's only because we love them so much. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
1 person likes this
@sacmom (14338)
• United States
23 Jul 11
That's terrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
• United States
22 Jul 11
I understand that this would be hard to handle, but I just want you to know and remember that you are doing the right thing, letting him go the way he wants to. You are a very kind daughter, and I hope that if I'm ever in this situation with any member of my family, I will be able to selflessly let them go too. I can't even imagine losing either of my parents, and I hope that it doesn't happen for a long long time, but just thinking about it upsets me, so I know it's difficult. I pray for your father to have a swift, painless passing, so that he may go to be with his love! Hang in there!!!
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
22 Jul 11
Half of me is being selfless while the other half is feeling extremely selfish!!! I was 58 when my Mom passed & I'm 61 now. I can tell you that giving up your parents does NOT get any easier with age!!! However, I was blessed to have them both as long as I did!!! The ONLY good thing to come out of this is that we've had some time to have some long & honest talks!!! He's expressed some of his regrets & I had the opportunity of letting him know he has NOTHING to regret!!! My prayer at this time is that he passes effortlessly & without pain!!! The medical doctors says he has maybe 2 weeks to live. The hospice doctor says Dad will let us know when the time is near!!!
• United States
23 Jul 11
I was going to say...WOW I hope my parents live until I'm in my 50s or 60s, that's 40-50 years away though! I am happy that you are feeling at least a little bit at peace, I would never think for a second that losing a parent at any age would be easy! Keep hanging in there! Know that there are always people here that do know what you're doing through, and will be happy to talk with you.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
24 Jul 11
I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. There is no easy way to do it and I don't have the words to make you feel any better. Thinking of you is all I know to say. I wondered about this from your last discussion. He really is ready to go. I hope that I am as at peace with my passing as he is. It is a peace we can only imagine. Maybe you can find in a little peace in that. Take care and if you need a shoulder...PM me.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
25 Jul 11
I had a long discussion with his nurse yesterday & she assured me that his attitude is healthy for his situation. She says that he will slide happy & peacefully into Heaven. She explained to me how patients who weren't ready reacted by kicking & screaming as they go. That has to be horrible for them & their family!!! If he's got to go, my prayer is that he goes peacefully & without pain!!!
@Pose123 (21671)
• Canada
24 Jul 11
Hi LadyMarissa, It's never easy to watch a loved one die and I have seen more of it than I care to remember. While your father has lived to a good old age, I know you will still miss him. My father was 95 and my mother 86 but I still hated to see them go. I can only tell you that time is the great healer. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45647)
23 Jul 11
Dear LadyM. I have few words. Just to say that I am thinking of you and sending my love. I do not think that it is ever easy to lose a loved one. Just be there for now. XXX
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
25 Jul 11
Thank you P1key!!! I have been focusing on becoming stronger & am back to my old sassy self!!! The change in the care from the hospital to the Hospice was a little nerve shattering for me. So, I've now adjusted!!! The friends who stood over him sobbing have now quit coming to visit, so I'm not having to deal with them!!! Even though I'm his primary caregiver every other day, I'm visiting on my off days & that is making things a bit easier!!! Of course, the kindness & caring from my friends here has made a tremendous difference!!! You guys have NO idea I love & care for each of you!!!!
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
23 Jul 11
We will all return to our heavenly father sooner or later. It will be good to be well prepared for the journey home. I am sure you father is well prepared for his final journey at this stage as he no longer wish to suffer his earthly pain. I know the pain you are going through nursing him at his bedside knowing that the end is near. All you can do is to keep him comfortable and he will be happy to breath his last breath knowing that all his children are around him in his final days on earth.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
24 Jul 11
We are put here to learn so we can return to our Heavenly Father!!! The ONLY comfort I'm having right now is that he is soooo ready to go Home!!! His nurse was just telling me how lucky we are that he wants to go Home because it will be a peaceful passage. Some fear leaving & fight it EVERY step of the way. I think that would be terrible for both the individual & the family!!!
@Thoroughrob (11771)
• United States
23 Jul 11
It is a really hard thing to deal with when it is a loved one. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Just try to enjoy the last few treasured moments you can have with him. He has lived a full life, and my Grandma was 91 and said the same thing.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
24 Jul 11
Just try to enjoy the last few treasured moments you can have with him. I had those treasured moments almost 2 weeks ago. He's so far into leaving this world, there a few aware moments left. He is so close to Heaven's door that he barely knows he is still here on earth!!!
@dragon54u (31298)
• United States
23 Jul 11
It's heartbreaking, I know. We never want to lose the ones we love and I've been through this, too. The hardest thing you'll ever do is let someone die while you wait, helpless, for them to leave. I did that this past February. And my own dad is 89 so I may be doing it again soon. Your dad has had a long life and has chosen to leave it with dignity, not kicking and screaming and clinging to every second at all costs, no matter who suffers. This is the last loving thing you can do for him, to be with him and support him and let him know how much he has meant to you. You know you'll see him again, it's only a brief separation...that won't really help that much right now and right after he leaves but it's a comfort later. I hope it's easy for him and that your family's hearts are healed quickly.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
23 Jul 11
Thank you for the comforting words!!! I knew somebody here would understand my thoughts!!! Between my husband, my mother & my beloved 21 year old furbaby who all passed within an 18 month time span, I've had experience dealing with grief. However, I've never had to deal with grieving for somebody while they are still breathing!!! Many of his friends visited yesterday & surrounded his bed as if he were in a casket & sobbed like he was gone. My thought process is that he is still HERE with me & I will grieve once he is gone...until then, he is just sick & recuperating as the doctors could be wrong. I just didn't deal well with his well-meaning friends!!! I know they wouldn't have upset me for the world, but that's exactly what they did!!! My only hope is that when his time comes, he will slip gracefully Home to my Mom & doesn't suffer on his way out!!!
@menace730 (506)
• Philippines
23 Jul 11
I'm so sorry LadyMarissa...You are doing what your dad has requested. That is all you can do at this point. He knows you are there with him and that is a big comfort. Everyone handles this situation differently. I will keep you in my prayers my friend.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
23 Jul 11
Thank you Dennis!!! If I'm honest with myself, I admire the strength he is showing in facing his own mortality!!! I wish I could be as strong as he is being!!! We tried to go a different route, but the doctors didn't cooperate with our request. Then, once he realized exactly what he was facing, he accepted his fate & turned into a more positive outcome. I've been as strong as I could be up & until yesterday. The events & reality of yesterday took a larger toll on my strength than I had anticipated. It has been my experience that discussing such events with my friends here on the Lot that I can psychoanalyze my emotions & regain the strength that I've lost. I love ALL my friends here who give me the emotional support that I soooo require!!!
@allknowing (55103)
• India
23 Jul 11
Dying as we know is inevitable. A terminal illness gives one time to prepare for it. You need to be strong and in a way be grateful that your Dad lived his life with love from your mother and you. Going through this phase is indeed tough and there is nothing that anyone can do except live on memories. I wish you strength to bear it all.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (17268)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
22 Jul 11
My condolenses.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
22 Jul 11
Thank you BarB!!!
@thetis74 (1525)
22 Jul 11
I am so sorry to hear that. I couldn't almost find enough words to say. Your dad is very brave and he might be facing a lot of pain while he waits for God to take him. While I read through it I first thought it was colon cancer. I pray that as he decides to be with your mom that he will not to go through a lot pain. And you being there will help him go through with it less painfully. All the prays and strength to you my friend. This is life and accepting it all our hearts is the best to lessen how biting life can be.
@LadyMarissa (12165)
• United States
23 Jul 11
It is colon cancer. He has just chosen to not be operated on because it cannot be cured. He wants to go be with my Mom & he believes that God won't take him until He is ready. I totally understand his reasoning...yet it's breaking my heart!!!
@carolbee (16243)
• United States
30 Jul 11
I am so sorry to hear your dad is so sick, Marissa. It's never easy to lose a parent. I went through a similar situation with my father. Actually, I felt relieved when he was gone to know he was out of pain and resting peacefully in his final resting place. It's such a sad situation. I will say prayers, carolbee