I Have A Strong Evidence But I Cannot Reveal It

@neildc (17253)
Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
October 19, 2011 1:41am CST
Hiya myLotters and friends! Members here could recall the problems I am dealing with my step-daughter. With several posts I have started about her previously, with her being disrespectful to us and even with her siblings, etc. Me and my wife even happens to have a quarrel and misunderstanding with how me and daughter are acting each other. I mean, most of the time, we are the ones who are fighting about how should I deal with his daughter's behavior. And so I wish I cannot react and stay calm and quiet, even when I feel mad and angry. And so I cannot even start a discussion with my wife as I am afraid another flame will happen between us. Now, I have something that can prove or show how her daughter could be acting and behaving like that. My problem is I am not sure of myself, if I have to tell this to my wife. Like I said, I am afraid we will end up to another fight. Will I tell my wife? Or will I let my step-daughter know that I have something that could make her mom blast in anger with her again. If I tell her, do you think she will change her behavior or it will just worsen our father and daughter relationship? ~~ NEILâ„¢~~
6 people like this
19 responses
19 Oct 11
i think you should say to the stepdaughter!! because it will seem like you are making an effort to get on the right path with her!! if you say to your wife, and your blows up at the step daughter and shouts at her etc... then the step daughter will hate you for going behind her back.. but if you bring it to her attention, she may be grateful you didn't go straight to her mum and gave her a chance!!
2 people like this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
i am thinking about it too, talking with daughter first. if i can get a better chance. at least i guess, when worse comes to worst, it's not her mom that will got angry at me again.
1 person likes this
20 Oct 11
i think that would be the best route, and its from personal experience as i've been in similar situations!
@celticeagle (119862)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Oct 11
Have you heard of 'The Turtle'? It is an exercise to help with oncoming angry. You put your hands over your chest and count to ten. My grandson has a mood disorder and this helps him. I really think you two need to seek out a marriage counselor. They can teach you how to talk to one another.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
i think i heard about that counseling thing again.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (119862)
• Boise, Idaho
19 Oct 11
Either that or get a book on arguing affectively.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164485)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Oct 11
hi neildc for me honesty is always the best policy as if knowing something you must talk to your wife first then the two of you can talk to your step daughter. do not be afraid of your wife's anger as the issue is you are supporting and paying for this step daughter ana thus she should at least show you some respect. at nineteen if she wants to be taken care of she needs to obey your and your wifes rules too, if she cannot then do like we do here in the US insist she get a job and an apartment of her own.,You folks are wonderful in taking care of grown children and here in the US we often push the adult birdies out of the nest so they can now use their wings, they are always welcome to come back but we do want them to try to now become self sufficient adults. I was working at 19 which is not a bad idea for your step daughter. if there's a big problem I really would share it calmly with your wife first then the two of you talk to your step daughter. you are right she does need to respect you. If she cannot do that then its time she grows up gets a job and an apt of her own. I mean you live under your parents roof you must respect them and obey their rules.simple.
2 people like this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
that's right hatley, it's just a simple rule and it could be followed easily. i guess i am just waiting for the right time to talk at each other. i respect my wife and my daughter too. i love them both, all of them. and i guess, that is the reason i keep on fighting to survive.
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
hello neil, It's really hard to make some move that you think might end up with bad result. I know you caught between your step-daughter and your wife. You only want some peace and understanding, yet you don't know where to start. Why not talk with your step-daughter first. Not to the extent of telling her that you know something, but giving some hint and observe her reaction. Then,if you think you hit the bullseye, thu it sounds manipulative...do what you think is right. Pray hard my dear brother....
2 people like this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
i am just waiting for the right timing my dear sister. i actually made a move by asking my wife when will be the last day of her school, so i will wait for that time to move on the next move. i thought of talking with either one of them afterwards. it's finals so she needs concentration in reviewing.
@toniganzon (53346)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
I think it would worsen the relationship between the two of you. Is there a chance that you could sit down and talk to her like she is a real adult? Can you treat her like you still respect her as a person and not a step-daughter even if you're mad at her? Do you think that's possible? I know that in order to respect somebody that person must earn it, but sometimes we have to respect someone in order to gain that person's respect too. I hope you can settle things with her and your wife as well. I know it's easy for me to say this because i'm not in your situation. But this is the best i can give as of the moment. Good luck Neil.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
yes toni, sounds easier said than it can be done. anyway, thanks for the advise. i still respect her being a daughter of my wife. i never really treated her as other child but just like my own. it's just that she changed a lot when she turned 18.
@toniganzon (53346)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
You were 18 once. I was 18 once and at that time i was rebellious for no reason. I was immature and arrogant but in my head i believed that i was an adult and was acting like one. But of course i was wrong. Now i know that when my son reaches that age, i need to be more patience. No matter how i love him now and rear him to become a better person, i could never control what will happen when he will be spending time with friends. The people around our kids actually affect them more than we do, especially at that age.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
i could be rebellious too when i was that age but i still showed respect to my parents.
@swirlz (3137)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
Well I think you should talk to your step-daughter. Not to threaten her, but just to talk to her about the thing she has done. Be a father and state why you think it is bad (I have a feeling it is, since you'd want to tattle on her). Don't scold her, don't even mention about mentioning (or not mentioning) the issue with her mom. Just give her some advice. She might act all tough and angry, but the more you force her and scold her, the more rebellious she will become. Think of Newton's Law of Action and Reaction. Every action is accompanied by a reaction of equal magnitude but opposite direction. If you try to be gentle with her, sooner or later, she will also be.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
if i have to talk to her, how will i start? will i tell her, i got something that could make her mom go wild once she got to know about it? or will i start by telling her what could be the result if she will continue doing the same act?
1 person likes this
@swirlz (3137)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
Hmmm, I think you should go with: I've heard you did this... I'm not trying to judge you, or force you to do what I want, but I hope you listen to what I have to say. *speak to her about the evils (cons/consequences) of what she has done and how she can overcome it.* It is just my opinion and it's important to me that you stay safe/healthy(whatever it is against). Your mom is important to me, and I don't want her to be worried about you. Something like that. Don't use her mom as a threat. Don't mention anything about sharing/not sharing the information with mom.
1 person likes this
@swirlz (3137)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
You situation reminds me a lot of Lindsay Lohan's Freaky Friday. You should try watching that. Maybe you'll get something out of it.
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
Hello, there neil. It is never easy to deal with a child when he/she is in the rebellious years...those puberty or teen years. Just what we went through while, we were in those ages ourselves. Now, the problem becomes manifold because she is a stepdaughter. If i were in your shoes I will talk about this with my wife calmly. Tell her to see objectively what you will be telling her. It is not to discredit the daughter but, to make the mom know what is really happening so she can remedy the situation. This way, you can show your wife that you only care for the daughter that is why you are revealing her this information.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
i don't know, but i am still afraid that the situation might just get worse when i make another move.
@Theresaaiza (10484)
• Australia
20 Oct 11
Hi trinidad, I guess you have a point there, but I might disagree. I would try to get the truth out from the daughter first (or her alibis for that matter). Every teen claims she is misunderstood, nobody listens to her, nobody really cares for her, and all that. Neil can try to bargain with her. At this point, it is fatal for her mother to know as she might get emotional, and in the long run, would feel like having to choose who to side with, her husband or her daughter. Yes you may have been his father for 15 years but blood is always thicker than water. For all we know, the real dad is using this to brainwash her, get her sympathy, and thus, confusing her. She will then feel that it is her real dad who truly loves her. She will not put into account the many years you stood as her father. For this reason, I think you should intervene while the situation does not become worse than it already is.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
ice, i am really thinking his father could be the reason, one reasons for the change in her attitude, behavior, etc. but even when they met for the first time in 15 years, they almost do not talk and meet constantly after the said first meet-up. i would like to give more credit or discredit, the father and daughter reunion, but like i said, they do not meet and talk constantly. another one that i think could be a reason is relationship with a boy. everything was still normal even when we in the family learned that she had a boyfriend in high school. and another one when she broke-up with him, and that's during her first course. but she suddenly or slowly changed after meeting his father or after we learned that she has a new boyfriend.
@ybong007 (6658)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
This is a case of "damn if you do, damn if you don't" kind of thing. If you tell your wife now you have to expect and argument. Or, you can keep your silence and wait until your wife found out about the secret from other people and expect and argument. However, the problem with the second option is when she founds out that you've known all along but kept the secret to yourself, if that is the then expect not only an argument but expect to be blamed as well. I suggest you choose well.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
is this what they call in dilemma? yeah you are right, i am in a big trouble too once she finds out that i also have a knowledge about it. i really cannot decide which to choose.
@ybong007 (6658)
• Philippines
20 Oct 11
I'll give you a clue. Our wives are our partner. Their problem is also our problem and that works the other way around. The good thing in your part is that you have the truth on your side. Just bear in mind that sometimes the truth hurts. Telling your wife now or later won't change anything but only prolongs the inevitable. The sooner she'll deal with it, the sooner she'll move on and the sooner it eases you off the burden of carrying something that will eventually come out.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
24 Oct 11
well, i told about it to my wife and said, she actually have the clue. she also said that, if she will get hurt then she don't want to see the evidences that i have.
@salonga (27955)
• Philippines
19 Oct 11
Well dear friend whatever evidence you have then tell it to your wife. If you believe that evidence can help, then reveal it to your wife and be ready how she would react. If your motive is to reform your step-daughter and to help your wife understand that her daughter has some behavioral problem and needs to be corrected then tell her. Now if your wife still would not take it positively then I could not help but believe your step-daughter becomes that disrespectful because your wife is in a way tolerating her wrong actions.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
sometimes i think that way that she is just tolerating her or she only has high tolerance or that she tries to ignore other things when there are still other problems to bear with.
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
19 Oct 11
I would go to your step-daughter one more time and if that does no good, I would go to your wife. I went through this with my daughter but nothing helped at the time. Now that she moved out, it has gotten a little bit better.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
one step at a time? talking about moving out, sometimes i wish that time will come a little sooner with her.
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
19 Oct 11
Still having problems sweetie? Well, to solve this once and for all, get your wife and daughter together and talk to both of them. They need to understand what you think and how you feel about this whole damn situation. Or i can come there and whip your daughter till the manners get stuck in her head. Your choice.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
sweetie, problems are still here and are still coming. i thought when you said, to solve this once and for all, is get my wife and daughter, out of the house together. hmmmmm sweetie, if i can only tell what i have.
@cintara (137)
19 Oct 11
It is not easy, facing the child. It takes more patience. You must be patient. A child, if scolded, the more rebellious. If your child make a mistake, you need to talk, and discuss with your child. Tell a result of errors, that your children are doing.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
she's 19 and i don't think she's still a child. she should be acting like a grown-up. if she has a problem she should tell us not that she is acting like a child.
@cintara (137)
19 Oct 11
Is that so? You have to show to your daughter, that you love, and care, with your daughter. Although, your daughter go bad, you do not show the attitude of anger, but the attitude of attention.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
you mean i will continue to ignore her and accept that she is disrespectful?
@SomeCowgirl (32270)
• United States
19 Oct 11
I haven't read your other posts on this, I don't think so I am going to have to go back and read them. However, I will respond to this and all that I can find, so my advice may change as I respond. I think that it seems you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. You need to get this dealt with, but either way added strain will come. Threatening your step daughter with telling the wife may turn the step daughter even more against you, and she may make up some wild story that will get you into a fight with your wife. The best thing in this case I think to do is to sit down and have a long and honest talk with your wife, telling her first that you don't mean or intend to anger her, but that you have some news about your step daughter, some evidence that will show that the previous fights were not all instigated, or completely your fault etc. A mother will almost always believe the daughter even BEFORE the husband, so this is a very risky and dangerous conversation. I hope it goes well for you but please choose your words carefully.
19 Oct 11
haha you haven't met my mum and dad! they are like a complete and utter tag team! them against the world! me and my sister never get a look in lol!
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
19 Oct 11
actually, the biggest concern for me is my wife. she is HB which i guess makes her a little fighter but she actually has a weak heart. that's one thing i do not want to give her another problem anymore. i am afraid something will happen to her.
20 Oct 11
sorry but i dodn't know what HB means..
@celticeagle (119862)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Oct 11
I am sorry to hear of your situation and that it still goes on. I think you need to have an intervention. You need to learn how to talk to both your wife and your daughter. You need to show a united front when you deal with your daughter. And if you are not able to do that then you aren't going to get anywhere. Professional family counseling is what I recommend. Check out: www.loveandlogic.com
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
counselling always come within discussions when problems with marriage and the children is the topic. anyway, i will check the site. thanks.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (119862)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Oct 11
The site has alot of valuable information on it.
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
24 Oct 11
it is very hard to say as I don't know your wife's daughter. I think perhaps you should let you wife know if it is something that would concern her.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
24 Oct 11
that's what i think so recently, i told her. but she told me that if she will only get hurt she don't mind knowing about it.
• Philippines
21 Oct 11
Hello Neildc, I don't know what you just discovered, but i think it's a problem if you talk either of them about this. it's a matter on how will you take it if they respond. I have read with the other lotter and counseling is the best solution there. You know, coming from a family that prefers to mind our own business when ever it comes to personal problems, i was thought to stay out of any body's problems.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
24 Oct 11
it's like that you said, no comment.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
20 Oct 11
She is 19 and thinks she is an adult and legally she is. It will do no good. It seems like they think they know everything. I have almost quit talking to my son. He is 18, working a full time job and don't think he should have to tell us anything. If you ask, he bites your head off. I just looked at him one day and told him that if that is how it is, he can leave or he can pay rent. He will be held responsible for himself. That means food, clothes, laundry, supplies to do laundry. He seems happy with it. If he asks something, I will answer, but I refuse to fight with him. If he snaps at me, I just stop speaking to him. I don't need his smart mouth.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
21 Oct 11
i think that will be good since they are already adult, legally. but sometimes i think, we filipinos are more lax with our children.
@jennybianca (12914)
• Australia
20 Oct 11
I remember reading of your problems before with your step daughter. How old is she? Your wife is not going to accept that her daughter is a problem. I have experienced all this before when I had two step children. If you have the evidence of her misbehaviuor, then you should show it to your wife. Start this by saying that you dont want to have argument, that you just want her to seewhat the daughter is doing. If your wife starts arguing , just walk away. If your wife still can not accet what her dauhgter is doing, then I suggest you get councilling. It doesn't always work with step children, I'm afraid to say.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
20 Oct 11
i think it's a good way to let her know about the evidence and let her decide with her daughter. i guess i just have to look for the right time. she's still studying and their already in the finals. i guess, it's the time to let both of them know about this and talk at each other when finals is through? councilling? i think i heard this before and again.
@MsTickle (24993)
• Australia
27 Oct 11
Gosh, I'm so sorry that I am late. Neil, this situation you have described yet again about you and your wifey fighting over your step daughter is the problem. Your wife should stand by you. She should support you. If the two of you were able to take a stand together when your step daughter misbehaves there would be less of a problem. Your step daughter has learned how to press your buttons and her mothers so she gets her own way and causes havoc as well. Explain this to your wife when you are both away from home and calm. Work together to tame the misbehaving daughter.