What is the polite thing to do?
By Jess
@JJ4Ever (4693)
United States
July 8, 2012 4:01pm CST
A man and woman who do not know each other are both on their way into the coffee shop one morning. The man politely holds the door open for the woman, and she heads inside. I heard on the radio a couple days ago that the polite thing to do would be for the woman to allow the man to get in line first in the coffee shop, but what do you think and why?
6 people like this
12 responses
So HE could pay for the coffee!!!
uld be different.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Good answer, YoYo! If I were single and knew the guy wasn't expecting anything out of me (like Hatley commented a little further down), then I'd absolutely let him go first after he held the door for me and pay for my coffee! It wouldn't be more than that for me, though, unless I knew he was single and if I were attracted to him or thought he was a nice guy.
@crimsonladybug (3112)
• United States
8 Jul 12
I had never really thought about it but that probably is the more polite way to handle the situation.
What if there are two doors? In a place where there are two doors, if someone holds open the first one for me, (or even if they didn't but they just happen to be walking behind me) I'll hold the second for them. Then, who should let whom in line first? :)
2 people like this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
CLB, you have a very good point! The topic of two doors also came up on the radio.
If the guy holds the door for the girl, then it becomes awkward because she probably ends up holding the second door for him or awkwardly waits for him to hold the second door. For my husband and me, I let him hold both doors if there are two! I don't hold any doors for him lol. It's a little different when the guy and girl don't know each other, though.
Hatley, isn't that the truth! If a guy buys coffee for a girl, he'll automatically expect something from her. That's not the way I think it should be, but that's probably the norm nowadays. Sad, but true... It definitely wouldn't work for me either!
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jul 12
I think if they know each other the man will get in line first and pay for both coffees but if not I would go ahead to the line as I pay for my own coffee. No strange man pays for me. Best way not
to rack up any trouble specially for younger women as some men think if they pay for something for you you automatically owe them a roll
in the hay.never worked with me.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
9 Jul 12
Those things frustrate me too! Whatever happened to doing things just to be nice or at least doing nice things because that's how you would want to be treated? I don't expect anything of anyone when I donate time, items, or even money. I do it "just because." I know there's more to the issue than whether or not to open a door for someone, but chivalry is almost unheard of nowadays as it is. It seems like that's always the first question that people ask when something is requested of them... "What's in it for me?" If I had asked that when I was a child, I probably would've gotten a spanking lol!
@SViswan (12051)
• India
9 Jul 12
This is something I didn't know but I suppose that it has something to do with returning a good deed. The man held the door open for the woman which means that the man was there before the woman. So, it does make sense to allow the man to get in line first, isn't it?
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Jul 12
the Only thing the woman Has to do is say thank you to him as she walks through the door.It is up to him to Decide to open the door. This is rare these days! What Women's Lib has done is make it that if I am the first at the door , I will hold it for a guy! In my town the guys Always say thank you And 8 times out of 10 guys will hold the door for me too!
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Oh Poor Hubby!He Is a true gentleman! Maybe it was my mom. She would hold the door for whomever was behind her. male or female! And now I do the same. if I'm ever with you and Hubby and I get to the door first, I will offer to hold it for him. Just tell him it is my nature. I would Never think of him as a jerk. It is my form of courtesy!
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
9 Jul 12
I see what you mean. If someone is behind me after I open the door for myself, I'll absolutely hold it for them. I will not let the door slam in their face. That would be rude of me! I'm used to getting the door for myself if I get to it first (and hubby isn't with me). If it were you, hubby, and me, he'd most certainly let you get the door for all of us in a silly way because with friends, of course, it's different, and plus, that's the way you're used to doing it! I don't think it'd be a matter of him being a jerk in that case; he'd just turn it into a joke instead haha.
When we were in college (we had just started getting to know one another), you should've seen the time I had getting used to him holding the door for me, carrying my books, etc. It was quite an adjustment for a girl who was used to doing everything for herself! So I'm sure it's the same for you when you're used to doing things a certain way since you were young because that's how your parents taught you to do it! In the hubby's case, he was always told to hold the door for people. He'd hold the door for his mom and make his dad proud. I like to see that guys treat their moms well because that's how they will treat their woman someday!
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Yes, that is very true! All the woman needs to do is say "thanks." I don't think she should ignore him completely because that would be rude. If she chooses to offer him the spot before her in line that is a nice gesture, but should not be expected. Wow, I'm shocked that the acceptable thing nowadays is for the girl to hold the door for the guy if she comes to the door first!
I asked the hubby about that. If a woman tried to hold the door for him (and it has happened), he will take the door and let her go ahead. He turned his nose up at the idea of me holding the door for him or any other guy! That would be weird to me also. He said that if a woman held the door for him, and he walked through, he would feel like a complete jerk! That's why he takes the door from her and lets her go ahead. He hates when women insist on holding the door for him. That's just awkward!
1 person likes this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
8 Jul 12
Hi JJ! 
Well, this has happened to me and I thanked kindly for holding the door, and then when I was inside I offered for him to go first to get his coffee. He politely refused, with a smile, and just waited in line behind me.
I couldn't imagine just going in and not offering at least the first place in line before me. I think that would be kind of rude, but I'm old school, or just old, haha! 
Well, this has happened to me and I thanked kindly for holding the door, and then when I was inside I offered for him to go first to get his coffee. He politely refused, with a smile, and just waited in line behind me.
I couldn't imagine just going in and not offering at least the first place in line before me. I think that would be kind of rude, but I'm old school, or just old, haha! 1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
I would do exactly the same as what you did. I'd definitely thank the guy and then offer him my spot in line since he let me go first through the door. I think it would be rude not to thank him, but offering him my spot in line would be a very kind gesture. If he refuses, that is still the gentlemanly thing to do. In your case, the scenario went perfectly, in my opinion! Not that there is a right or wrong answer...other than the woman holding the door for the man - lol! Thanks for your response!! By the way, I don't think you're old school or old! Silly!! 
1 person likes this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
8 Jul 12
I've held the door open for a guy many times but never let him in first, haha. Now that would be weird I think and I wouldn't want them feeling that way. I've stood "in" the doorway and held it open if you know what I mean. I've never stood outside the door and held it open like the guys do.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
9 Jul 12
Ah yes, holding the door for a guy and letting him go in first are two completely different things! If I'm holding the door when a guy comes up, I'll either expect him to take it from me or I'll hold it for him but then go in first, just like you said. That would be crazy for a woman to stand there holding the door for a whole group of guys to go through! That would be quite a sight. If my hubby ever saw that, he'd step in and grab the door or give the guys a talking to or both!
@samson1 (738)
• Jamaica
8 Jul 12
JJ4Ever, i like this discussion. In my opinion, this is what should obtain.
Firstly, note that the gentleman not only behaved politely by offering and opened the door, he held it for the lady to enter the coffee shop. That was the first gesture of being polite to anyone; especially a stranger who was a woman. Given that first act of goodwill occurred, it would be more polite if the lady offerred the gentleman the first option to join the line ahead of her, and allowed him the opportunity to decline her offer.
If both persons had offerred to be polite to each other in the manner that I described earlier, then the outcomes would indicate that his behavior would reveal that he is a 'total, consumate' gentleman, while it would show that the woman is also a 'very charming' lady.
I know that my approach may appear contrary to many of my mylotters' but that is the best way to allow for appropriate goodwill to be conveyed between man and women; in the spirit of great human charity. In addition, it would show that one goodwill gesture deserves another, and it should be demonstrated justly between the sexes!
I think that we need to return to being polite to each other; instead of allowing the attribute of being polite to be viewed as a 'dying act' in the society; where abrassiveness seem to overshadow gracefulness.., among other things.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
You know, I never thought of it that way! I like how you put it, "that one goodwill gesture deserves another." Until your response, I couldn't describe why I would do things this way (since I am the woman in this scenario).
I think this scenario should go exactly as you described...
The man will hold the door for the woman, she will thank him, she will offer him her place in line, and he will politely decline.
That is all. I don't think anything more should be expected. She shouldn't expect him to pay for her coffee, and he shouldn't expect a date from her!
I agree with you that people should do things for the mere satisfaction of being kind rather than expecting things from people! That is when we go wrong - when we expect things of others when we do kind things for them. I think we should just be nice because that's the way we would like to be treated!
Excellent response!! 
@AmbiePam (86009)
• United States
12 Jul 12
To be honest, that would not occur to me. I would assume since he let me in first, he was also saying go ahead and get in line before me. It would be super nice to let the guy go first in line, but I don't think it's actually impolite not to offer him the option.
@choybel (5042)
• Philippines
8 Jul 12
Would it be impolite if the lady just thank the guy and then go and get her coffee ahead? If I was the guy, I won't be bothered at all. It would be extra nice if the lady allows the guy to get in line first but I would have insisted that she go first. So, in my opinion the polite thing to do would be to smile and say thank you for that.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
That wouldn't be impolite at all! In fact, I asked my husband the same, and he thinks it would be just fine if the woman said, "Thank you," and then got in line. It would also be kind of her to ask if the man wanted to go first if he held the door for her. It'd be a nice gesture, but I don't think it'd be rude if she thanked him, then got in line.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
9 Jul 12
I would definitely allow him to be in front of me in line. I appreciate manners, which are disappearing quickly these days. Common courtesy is so rare these days in so many places that it should be rewarded and encouraged with more courtesy.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Jul 12
jj4ever I always thought the old manners taught the man opens the door for the lady and the lady gets in line at the coffee shop then
the man.AS they do not know each other I assume thats the proper
way of it, cou ld be wrong, now days.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
This is the way I thought things were supposed to be also. I asked my husband about this, and he says that he would expect to open the door for a lady whether he knew her or not and then get in line after her. "It's just part of being a guy," he said. He wouldn't think it'd be rude for her to still get in line first even after he opened the door for her.
I'm always so proud of him when he opens the door for other ladies. He shows them the same respect that he shows me, and that says a lot about his character! He always opens doors for me, including the car door, so I'm very spoiled lol. Thanks for your response. I definitely agree with you!
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
You're right, I think it's kind for the man to open the door for her, but it would also be nice if the woman would offer to let him in line first. If the man refuses, which he probably would, that would still be polite. At least if she offers to let him in line first, that would be a kind gesture on her part.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
8 Jul 12
I agree with you. Men should be respectful of women, so they should not only hold the door, but let the women go first in line. I think it would be kind of the woman to ask the man if he wanted to go first in line, but there's no true right or wrong answer here.
