Friend has a problem...

Jacksonville, Florida
December 11, 2012 8:58pm CST
This friend was hanging out with someone for over a month. Everything was going well with them at first but then the guy brought up that he want a kid like...now. The girl is not ready for another child for at least a couple years. The more that was said the more she realized their on two different paths in life right now and it probably won't work out... She wants your advice here as to how to tell him without hurting him so much. Any ideas on how to say this without hurting him a ton? But still getting the point across?
6 people like this
19 responses
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Dec 12
hi lovingmybabies the bext way is the honest way as she has to tell him she just is not ready yert for another child so he has to agree with her or take off for a baby making woman whose always ready to produce another child. If the men had to carry and deliver babies we sure would have a lot smaller populations for sure. There is no easy way to tell him she is not yet ready for another child.Men need to be educated more on the nine months of pregnancy and what women go through and then perhaps they would be more understanding.
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
I am going to have to tell her that is the best thing to do. Honesty is the best policy after all. Sometimes being honest hurts but its the best way to do things in the long run I think. She is not ready for another kid, there is a big age difference between them and they really don't have anything in common... A lot of things really that are just not going to work for them. I'm just glad its not me in the situation! I hate breaking people's hearts...
@911Ricki (13602)
• Canada
12 Dec 12
Since I am a biatch, I would say it up front. Sometimes guys even girls need a smack of the truth, and it may hurt at first but they get over it. My ex (we didn't date long), would accuse me of cheating and to the point calling me 25 times a day in a row, drivin to my house, and sitting outside. He kept saying he wanted kids, and we should have kids to be perfect. I didn't want kids and told him nicely explained went right over his head, I then made a big scene at work infront of everyone (as we worked together).
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Yeah, she can be if she needs to be but this guy has been really good to her so far. He is a great guy but they are on two different paths in life right now and I don't see the paths connecting for them anytime soon... They have nothing in common at all. And then the baby thing. I guess she is just going to have to let him know things are not working out like she wanted them to. Wow, your ex sounds like he was a little obsessive! That is a scary type of person when they are like that!
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
The best way to deal with it is to be honest with him and tell him that if he truly loves her, he will respect her decision. If he forces her into being in that situation, I do not think that the woman would be happy with the relationship when she knows that she isn't emotionally prepared to have a child soon.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Yeah I think I am going to have to tell her there is no easy way to do it except be honest with him about it. Not only does she not want another child but they are many different paths in life. He is moving way faster than she wants to and they have nothing in common honestly... So, I guess she is just going to have to deal with it and say it...
• United States
12 Dec 12
I don't want any kids and you do so you have a safe life and I wish you well. end of story.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Yeah I guess there is no other way of saying it than to just say it huh? The hard part is she and I are close and my husband and this guy are close too. Ugh, great...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Dec 12
I guess I'll put my two cents in even though everyone basically said what I would say. She just needs to tell him and be honest. If it's something that is suppose to work out, it will. I take it she has kids already? She just needs to explain that she's not ready to have another child, period. And, I have to add, good for her. At least she's not going to have a baby just to please her man. That she has going for her! If he loves her, he'll wait. If it's not meant to be, she'll find someone else even though right now she thinks she won't probably. I had a similar problem only just a little different. I married someone who didn't want kids, which was fine with me because I was 39 and he was 26, and I was still raising my youngest daughter who was 12 at the time. (Yes, I was married a few times). I did not want any more kids so heck yeh, that was great. We lasted almost 10 years and then divorced. He ended up marrying someone who had 3 really little kids...go figure. You just never know what exactly is in people's minds really.
• Jacksonville, Florida
13 Dec 12
Well I always love hearing what you have to say regardless so I am glad you responded! She has a one year old son from a dirt bag boy who she thought loved her but turned out to be abusive and does not help take care of their son at all! She is not just going to please him, which I am glad she is that smart. She told him she wants to move slow, then he asks about having a kid and moving in together. I guess slow is different to him than it is to her and I. Lol. Wow, why did he tell you he did not want kids then go and marry someone who had 3 little kids?!? That makes no sense. People just amaze me sometimes I swear they do. She is planning on ending things with him because they are just on two different paths in life and they really have nothing in common. He is 38 and she is 22 years old...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Dec 12
You know what it kind of sounds like? It just reminds me of a guy who wants to keep her at home all the time so he can keep an eye on her. I might be wrong, but he's 38 and she's just 22....and she sounds much more mature than he does. I'm glad she knows what she wants and more power to her. And I like the fact that even though she has a little boy, she's not looking for a free ride. She's very smart in wanting to move slow, it's one way to find out what the other person is all about in the long run. Now she knows. I think she's better off ending this. I hope she's careful when she does it...stalking is a scary thing and I would tell her to keep a watch out.
• Jacksonville, Florida
14 Dec 12
Yeah you might be exactly right. He is very attached to her already which is a red flag to me, he is rushing things a bit too much and he is wanting her to call and text him every day all day. So, it would not surprise me if that's what he is doing... The good thing is she is ending things with him and hopefully he won't try anything crazy! My husband also tried to hint to him that she is not interested but that didn't work either.
1 person likes this
12 Dec 12
Personally I don’t really know what to say, because I don’t think I would give up a potential life partner just because we don’t really agree on what direction we want our life to go at the minute. What happens if she tells him this, and ends the relationship, only in a months time to realise she made a mistake?
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Honestly, I don't think she really wanted to be with him in the first place. He was not her type and add this in and its just not good. I think the best thing for her to do is to end it now before he gets more hurt! He is a really good guy so she might end up regretting it but that's on her, not me thank God. He always treated her like a queen but she is not into him at all. Ugh, I am SO glad I am married and no longer have these issues! Lol.
17 Dec 12
but you see that is what makes you fantastic to help her in her decision, because you already choose a man. she has a man and cant decide whether he is a man she would wanna have kids with, or get married etc. you obviously were able to make that decision about your husband. i'm sure your husband wasn't the first man you dated, or kissed or even slept with.. and you obviously ditched others before him feeling they weren't right, before you met your husband and decided he was the right one you know?
@shion13 (85)
• Indonesia
12 Dec 12
The key to maintain a relationship is to be honest with each other and respect each other, if there's a problem then they can talk and discuss about it through first. No need to be rush in making decision such breaking up. Sometimes because couple has nothing in common then they can learn from each other. :)
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
I don't think she really wanted to be with him in the first place to be honest with you. I just think it was a for now type of thing... So if she is not feeling it then she should end it before he gets more hurt!
• Indonesia
13 Dec 12
yes then it's up to her, but before that she must be really sure about her own decision. and you must ask her first what she truly feels toward that boy, and you two can discuss it together in order to help her.
• United States
12 Dec 12
I don't think that she should be so worried about hurting his feelings. For one thing, it does not sound like they were really in a relationship ("Hanging out" definitely does not sound like they were in a serious, committed relationship.). For another, no decent guy would be jumping to put the "carriage before the marriage" like that; if he really wanted her, he would be looking to make a commitment to her and build a life together--and, eventually, having a child together if that was something they both wanted.
• United States
12 Dec 12
At this point, her focus should be more on building a solid foundation for herself and her young child and less on "hanging out." That means continuing her education, saving what money she can and building connections within her community.
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Very good points all of them! I agree with you. She feels that way too. She does not want to be with him and she is ending it today whatever they had going on... Since your right it wasn't a real relationship anyway... And next month she is going back to school so she can better her own life and her son's which is also why she doesn't want to be with anyone right now. I do not blame her. I am glad she is going to tell him though instead of leading him on when she knows she doesn't want this right now...
@wolfie34 (26793)
• United Kingdom
13 Dec 12
Of course honesty is the best policy, he probably won't like it or accept it, but in the long run both needs to know where they stand so they can make a decision of whether to stay together or to cut their losses and for him to find someone that can give him a child. Whatever way she does it she will still hurt him, but what's the alternative, lie? Protect his feelings at her cost?
• Jacksonville, Florida
14 Dec 12
No I don't think he will like it or accept it but she is just going to tell him the way it is. She has tried too many times and he will not get it. The more she pushes to slow things down the more he pushes her in the other direction. Not a good combination...
@toniganzon (50001)
• Philippines
13 Dec 12
It's really difficult to give an advice on something like this. You see, whatever she would say to him, he would still get hurt. I think there's no easy way out or words that could somehow lessen the pain. If she's really decided, I guess she just have to pour out her heart with all honesty. Whatever way she would tell him, he would still end up getting hurt anyway be it less or more.
• Jacksonville, Florida
14 Dec 12
Yeah I think she is just going to tell him the way it is. Not much else she can do really. She is ending things with him soon too. He is moving way too fast for her and she is not all that interested in him either anymore. So, he will be hurt either way...
@jillhill (37384)
• United States
12 Dec 12
I have always believed that honesty is the best policy....and saying what she has to say in a kind gentle manner is the best way to deal with it....otherwise I consider it just playing games!
• Jacksonville, Florida
13 Dec 12
Yeah, she did tell him and he didn't get it so she is going to have to be brutally honest I guess. She told him she wants to move slow and he is pushing moving in together and having a kid. So, I think she is planning on ending things with him since he is not accepting what she wants right now...
• United States
12 Dec 12
I think her best approach is direct and to the point, so that he won't be able to pressure her. I would say I am no ready and I am not sure when I will be ready. It's her body and she would have to go through all the discomfort of pregnancy, plus after the birth the primary responsibility would likely be on her. If she isn't ready she should gently say, that she is committed to him and lives him, but she isn't ready to have a child. If he persists she may want to stand firm in her decision and suggest that they go their own way, so he can find someone to have a baby with.
• Jacksonville, Florida
13 Dec 12
Yeah I agree because she tried doing things the nice way, he didn't get it and he was still asking her about it...She is not really interested in him anyway so I think she will be ending things soon with him. They are on two different paths in life, she is coming out of a bad relationship so she doesn't want to jump into another one right now. And he is not understanding when she says she wants to move slow, once she said that he asked again about having a kid and moving in with him! That is NOT slow thats for sure...
@betty1989 (752)
• China
12 Dec 12
Try to be honest and sincere. Just tell him her real thought, like I am not ready to have kid. Maybe we will have on ein future. Hope this words will not hurt him. have a nice day.
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Yeah she is going to soon. They are not going to be together anymore because she is seeing that they are on two different paths in life right now. They have absolutely nothing in common at all...
@jaiho2009 (39019)
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
The two must talk over this matter. If she doesn't want to have a child- he must understand her reason. If he badly want to have a kid- then she must listen to his reason as well... this is a matter of lifetime commitment and only these two people can settle.
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
Yeah they should talk about it. I think she knows that now and she is planning on talking with him about things. I don't think they should be together, they are on two different pages in life right now... It is just not going to work out for them.
@Lovegreen (376)
• Philippines
12 Dec 12
Just tell him straight that she is not ready, after all she's the one who's going to get pregnant and carry the baby for nine months not him:) If he really loves her then he will respect that.
• Jacksonville, Florida
12 Dec 12
That is a good point. Telling him is the only thing she can do because she is the one that does have to go through all of that! Not him!! I don't think love is involved here since they have only been together such a short time!
• United States
11 Jan 13
There is no way to Not hurt him. All she can do is sit him down and tell him the truth.
@inertia4 (27674)
• United States
19 Dec 12
There is no other way except to just tell him. What she can do is sit him down and explain to him why she is not ready to have another child. Also have her tell him that she understands that he wants another child, but now is just nit the right time. And who knows, she might change her mind sooner then he thinks. Thats the best I can come up with.
@lacieice (2065)
• United States
17 Dec 12
She just needs to tell him straight out that she does not want a baby right now. If he truely is into the relationship, he will wait until she is ready. If not, hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back. Its her body, and her choice.
• India
14 Dec 12
Hi friend, it is really a critical situation, if she is not interested in giving birth, then no one have the ability to force her. She can talk with her doctor and need her help by telling she is very week and don't have the ability to carry a baby at present. This idea will help her to avoid this problem