My ex-brother-in-law passed away. How would you handle this?  

Thank you, Brandie. You are right. I don't care if my ex's mother throws my card right into the trash; I want her to know that I sympathize with her. If she can't handle that, that's her problem. It will ease my mind to send the cards because I do feel sympathetic to their grief, no matter what happened in the past.

I know that my ex will appreciate a card. I'm going to have our son sign both cards as well. He holds no ill-will towards the family, either. He's as forgiving as I am.

You know, Kitty, it did take a lot to get out of that marriage. We went to marriage counseling and he went to individual counseling but it did no good at the time. I had to decide which was worse, raising our son alone or staying with him and possibly dying at his hands. As for his mother, I was always pleasant to her, no matter how hard it was to remain so.

I've forgiven my ex and he even writes and calls occasionally. Our son has forgiven him, too.

As for my ex's mother, I don't care if she's changed or not but I do know what she's going through right now and, as a mother and a human being, I can identify and sympathize with her pain.

I've decided to send them both a card and my son and I will both sign it. I think it's very odd, though, that my son was mentioned in the obituary, actually the first listed of all the surviving nieces and nephews, since neither my ex-brother-in-law nor my ex-mother-in-law have seen, written or spoken to my son in over 20 years. But, at least they remembered him. (I honestly think that my ex wrote the obituary.)

Very true, Elic. I can empathize and sympathize with them since I lost my only sister at exactly that same age. That is why I want to send the cards. I have no feelings whatsoever about my ex-brother-in-law, but I do feel the pain my ex's mother is going through right now, being a mother and a human being myself. (Well, her being a human being IS debatable!) I know that I appreciated all the cards I received when my sister died so, hopefully, she will appreciate a card from me. I'm sure my ex will.

Honestly, she may not appreciate it, but it would count against you if you didn't.

You're right, I'm under no obligation, except a personal one. As a human being and a mother, I can identify and sympathize with the pain this family is going through.

No matter what happened between us in the past, it doesn't change the fact that they are going through a hard and painful time right now. Also, seeing has how my son has their blood in him, I thought it would be a nice gesture to send them both cards, with my son signing them along with me. Who knows? It might even soften up the old bat's heart a tad!

If not, it won't hurt me any. She hasn't even tried to communicate with her first-born grandchild in all these years, even after my ex apologized for his actions years ago.

I know how good it made me feel when I received sympathy cards from people I hadn't heard from in centuries (okay, decades) when my sister passed away at the same age, 54.

Yeah, I get that way too.

Go ahead then, send the cards...and yes DO have your son add his signature along with yours. Hey, it might just BE the thing to soften her, as you say.

You know my dear, I've always been impressed by the kindness of your heart, no matter what the circumstances. You truly are an honorable person.

I thank you for bringing me back into perspective, and am grateful for the opportunity, to continue to learn from your experiences.

cdrxo

Thank YOU!

I'm sending the cards. I have my ex's address but not his parent's, so I've written to my ex asking for it.

As far as my ex's brother goes, I have no feelings for him one way or the other. I certainly wasn't saddened by his death but I wasn't happy about it, either. The only thing I felt was sympathy for his family. I'd feel that for anyone who lost a loved one.

As for a donation to a cause, I have yet to find out what he died from. From what I read, it sounded like he and his "soulmate" enjoyed bellying up to the bar, so I doubt he ever changed any. Dying at 54, and without ever having kids of his own, he may have just had cirrhosis of the liver or died of a drug overdose. The obit didn't say anything other than he died in the hospital.

I'll just send the cards.

I think you're right, book. Now that I'm thinking about it, my ex has changed his ways and has apologized, sincerely, about the way he acted way back when. But, my ex-mother-in-law has not only NOT had any contact with me in over 20 years, but she seemed to forget all about her first-born grandson.

She was all over him for the first two years of his life but, when the divorce became final, I never heard from her again, not even through my ex. I wouldn't want her getting all sentimental now and try to contact her first-born grandson after 25 years! She's had time to do that since my ex cleaned up his act years ago, but hasn't.

You're right. It would be a waste of my time and money to send her a card and could possibly end up hurting my son since she has always been such a... well, a not-so-nice person and apparently has not changed.

thought along these lines when I wrote my answer to your discussion.

Plus I think it would also be emotionally draining to contact your ex mom in law again when she has treated you bad, not kept contact after the divorce and would love to mess up your sons life now as well.

Thanks, Grandma. I've been mulling this over and realized that I would not feel right by NOT sending her a card. She may not be human, but she's still a mother who has just lost a son. That has GOT to hurt, no matter how he died.

I don't know her address, since they've moved since way back when, so I've written to my ex to ask him for her address so I can send a card. I will make sure my son signs the card, too. I know he'll want to, because he has an incredible humanitarian side to him. He's also a very forgiving person.

I hold no ill-will towards either of them. The past is the past. While I know that my ex has changed and forgave him, I have no idea what his mother is like these days. I just know that she's a mother who just lost a son and I would feel bad for anyone in that position. I know what my own mother went through when my sister died at that same age.

So, as soon as I get her address, I'll send the card. (I bought them both yesterday.) Also, thank you for the moral support, Grandma! I DO feel good about this decision.

Oh good for you and your son, you're the better people at the end of the day!!!These losses are never easy and I truly respect you for your compassion.

I'm sending cards and nothing else, Pose. No long letters to go along with the cards, either. Just a short "I'm sorry for your loss" sort of thing. My son will be signing the cards, too.

Who knows? It might just make my ex's mother realize how wrong she's been all these years by not keeping in touch with her first-born grandchild!

Thanks, Alice. That's what I've decided to do. Send my ex and his mother sympathy cards. My ex knows that I hold no ill feelings towards him or his mother. I have no idea what his mother is like these days, only that she just lost her son. In that respect, I feel for her and think a card would be appropriate. If she just throws it in the trash, that's fine, her loss. I just want to let her know that I understand and sympathize. What she does with that knowledge is up to her. I'll just put it behind me like the rest of the poop she dished out to me.

Excellent advice, leenie! Go with your heart. I like that... thank you.

My heart is telling me that here is a woman who just lost her first-born son and I know that has to be one of the most painful things anyone could ever experience. No matter what she was like in the past or how she made me feel, I still sympathize with her as a mother.

I put the past in the past. If she hasn't changed, that's her problem. Personally, I honestly do feel for her and would like her to know that. If it eats her up with guilt (although I doubt it will), that's not my fault.

Since my ex has truly turned his life around, I feel even worse for him. I lost my sister at that same age, so I know his pain, personally. I know he'll appreciate a sympathy card from me and our son.

Good Girl,