When That Big Black Cloud Hangs Over You  

Awww Wolfie, what about WINning at gambling, would that help LOL?
Pepper here gambles and nothing else like you..seems to help at least get some rage out, because I hear them cursing and swearing at the computer when they don't win!
Dear Wolfie, oh yes, whatever you are feeling, no doubt is deep rooted. I have found this to be the case with myself recently, deeper than I thought possible.
A lot of it is coming out through my dreams now.
I, like you, suffered an incredible amount of taunting of the spirit, and when one is vexed to that point, it does leave scars.
I also want to start going to the Y to let out some steam as I believe this will help me to also improve my body image, as I am so down on that because of self esteem issues.
I have had to rely on meds since I had my breakdowns which I do loath, but at the same time, am grateful for the help they give me.
When I get one with too many side effects, they change them for me.
I know you hate the meds and I do not blame you.
The only thing that truly can give me solace when the black cloud comes is the sound of the rushing ocean and the feel of the waves crashing against my skin. I don't know anything else that can soothe me.
Now that I am away from the ocean, and living inland, it is a bit tougher to be quiet in the mind.
There is a nice lake called Delta that is nearby..only 20 ms drive and that gives me some sort of peace anyway.
Bless you and keep you Wolfie.
I wish you could find peace from these feelings in your life..if I could I would take it from you...xooxoxoLove and Huggles

When the big black cloud comes over, I listen to music, get out into nature, read something, talk to online friends, look at art, smile, hug the children, pet the cats, take a walk, just generally do things that make me happy.

But I must admit, I don't think I get quite this depressed. Isn't there anybody you can be with or somebody that you can call?

I gamble too. Bad habit, lol. But fun (if you win anyway).

Sending a virtual hug...

Good luck.

Hey wolfie! I bet you knew that you would hear from me dear
brother~ I do feel that we are somehow related as we have so
many of the same problems and I hate to say it but everytime
you write I feel like I am writing! Maybe we are "twins"
separated at birth, except that I am much older???lol I have
the exact same feelings as you do, from the depression, to
the anger, to the isolation, to the wanting to scream! But,
I am on the "meds" and am in therapy and still I feel the
same way that you describe! And today I had a long talk with
my mother, who is a great part of the problem and I actually
cried real tears! I don't cope! I just barely exist! I don't
live! I am on disability, so I no longer work! I proved that
I am incapable of that! So what do I have left? I have my
Star and Luna, who are my loves and without them I would die!
Cats are better than people, as you know! I have my boyfriend?
He lives here, but not really? I am still in my "own" miserable
world and he goes out and lives his life leaving me here. He
runs errands for me when I can't make myself go out. He cleans
the house when I don't want to and goes on his merry way. And
all I want to do is be alone with my cats! I just don't know
what to do anymore either! Right now I am in one of those moods
where I want to scream and be totally alone! So I do wish that
I had some kind of answer to fix the way that I feel so that I
could help both of us, but sadly I don't and I am really getting
scared that I am going to totally lose it myself!

The heat is a different type of SAD. I do not do well with it either. I am sorry that you have lost this friend and counselor who is so close to you. I would say to get early morning sun, before the heat comes. Also be sure to take your vitamins, especially B Complex vitamins as they are mood enhancers, Magnesium, too. People with depression cannot be just told to " get over it" so I will not say that to you. I will say that it is very thereapeutic to be here and I hope that something helps.

Hello, wolfie. I have severe depression. I was able to take an early retirement and am riding my bike nearly daily and going to the gym. Meds don't help me either. I find that keeping busy, your mind, is very important. Be thankful you have a computer. Always something to do. You could go to your local library, walk in the park. Get out alittle. You could also volunteer someplace. Not daily but once in awhile. You will be so surprised how much better you will feel by doing for others. If you would like to PM me for more info feel free. Take care of yourself. Be sure you take a multi-vitamin daily and eat good. You can also find free games online so you don't get yourself into trouble financially. It is your choice. Alot of things you can do to help yourself.

Why dont you spend more time here in mylot, that way you can tell us what you feel, and we'll be here to listen. Sometimes when the black cloud hangs over you, all you need is someone to talk to you..too bad you lost your councelor. Ive used mylot as the place to let my emotions out for sometimes and it worked. hope it does to you. Goodluck!

Hello wolfie. I am so sorry to know that clinical depression is coming back to you again after years. After reading and analyzing the content of your discussion, I think that one of the main reasons that causes this depression of yours is related to your lack of enthusiasm of socializing with other people that makes you feel paranoid and suspicious about people's intentions. I hope that you don't mind my saying so as your friend because I want you to live your life to the fullest in every possible way that we can help you. Improve yourself in this field and I am sure that you will find it much better on your side. Take care and be happy, my dear wolfie.

It is so hard to advise anyone on these matters what I can do is see what might be an issue at least in your story you say you gp which I assume is general praticenor (i know I spelled it wrong) but anyways if that is the case that could be a very big reason anti-depressants are not working and actually I am amazed you have found one this day and age that will even do it most doctors will not but send you to a phychologist because these meds have so many different factors to factor in and it can not be a hit and miss thing not to mention it can take trying different ones different combinations to get it right with the right combination one can live a very happy productive life this is know what I also know from personal experience if what you have is truly diagnosed depression or any mental illness as such this is not something that can be treated out of self will and in most cases it takes at least intially a combo of meds and therapy to reach a beneficial place mentally in order to heal in order to find the root of the anger the depression and such
I can also tell you from experience i got diagnosed when I was 21 I was depressed chronic with a slight onset of bi-polar borderline personality I thought I could deal with it on my own and did not seek treatment for over 10 years by this time I had through my own actions made it much worse if I would of done the correct meds and therapy back then I may of been looking at a year or two of it and most likely be able to live a life off the stuff I did not I started my treatment back in 02 it is 09 now they finally have me on a balanced meds dose of only two pills but I will most likely have to take them for the rest of my life my seratonin does not fire right most likely never will I stop them and even if emotionally I feel fine physically I start to feel the depression
My best advice find a real good doctor not a gp that has no real clue how to prescribe the correct doses and such and good luck

Wolfie, it sounds as if you are in a very frightening place at the moment - and I desperately hope you are able to find another counsellor soon - a good one, who will connect with you and enable you to talk from your heart. I certainly agree it's not a good thing to be dependent on medication - but there are certain medications which can help greatly. Do you have country areas near you, where you could get out and do some bushwalking or something? Being shut up in a gambling place or club would be very depressing (I hate that atmosphere) - and it sounds as if you would benefit incredibly from getting out into the open spaces, breathing in some fresh air and enjoying nature - either by yourself or with a good friend. I don't think gambling really does take your mind off your problems - it's merely escapism which only lasts while you're doing it - harsh reality will always be waiting for you when you're done. The problems will never be sorted until they are faced, tackled and dealt with. I really do hope you will find someone to help you do this - but please don't shut yourself up in gambling places, as you will still be hurting when you come outside into the light.

I can tell you are in a bad way Wolfie...your regular cheerful, thoughtful disposition is hiding and your discussions have been getting darker and more agitated over the last couple of months. I wish I could help you. Here in Australia, we have an agency called Beyond Blue for people with deep, sad, horrid feelings such as the ones you have. Is there some sort of agency you can contact because I think you seriously need some changes to occur for you. You are in my thoughts mate...lots of us here care for you very much. Big hugs.