I need some help with my son

Hi Cyn,
It’s a surprise really to see you here, I wasn’t expecting you at all after all that has happened recently…I think just as life must go on, so have you…moved on with life and its myriad expectations.
Yes, ideally I would like to keep dinner time free from any outside influences and right now, I am practicing keeping my temper in check so I usually give in…but its becoming too much now! I think I’ll take your first suggestion…no TV during dinner hours and even after that, no TV…I would give up my likings just to set an example…do you think that will work? What about if we play on the computer together or have a go at checkers?

I think that is a wonderful idea! Play a game with him or do something fun away from the TV or the computer, unless you have games the 2 of you can play on the computer but board games are better in my opinion.

You may even be able to teach him the valuable "you won't win all the time" rule by playing games.

Oh yes, you should just watch his face every time he loses to me

lol..something cyn does with her kids - 'you can't win'!
hmmm....just one question Mrs. Psychologist....I have the same problem with a twist. My husband encourages my son to have control. I've tried to talk to my husband about this but he just doesn't understand.
My well behaved...'almost perfect' child is now turning into 'junior daddy' with hid dad's encouragement and help...and it's driving me crazy...it's more like I'm the child and my son is the wife here...and he knows it! Short of kicking my husband out of the house, I can't seem to find a solution to this. 'No TV during dinner...and everyone at the dinner table' doesn't work with my husband and with only mummy setting an example..no one bothers.
HELP! Or else I'm going to start another discussion on this one!

I would try explaining to my husband that his behavior is undermining my authority. That he is setting a bad example by allowing my son to believe he "has control" in an adult capacity and that when my husband isn't around my son isn't adhering to the rules because he doesn't feel he has to. I would also tell my husband that it breaks my heart that we can't even sit down and have dinner like a family because the TV is in the way.

If talking to my husband didn't work I would turn my attention to my son and make him suffer. When asked where dinner was I would tell him that since he had so much control he could make dinner for everyone. If he wanted or needed something I would tell him that he is old enough to earn the money to buy it for himself. And if he wanted to watch TV during dinner he can pay the cable or electric bill for the privilege of even having a TV.

I would think that after a few days of this behavior out of me my husband would be bending over backwards to restore order in the household and my son would realize that having control isn't that important when you are just a kid, and that with control comes responsibilities that he is too young to handle.

Hi Sandhya
Whta happened to you?Suddenly I see your name peeping here/

lol...cynical...talk with husband done (over a million times)...with proof! Not working! In fact it's making things worse with ego being thrown in. Changing my attitude to my son isn't working because father comes to the rescue every single time...and he(son) has even begun to threaten me that he would tell his dad when he is back home....not that it affects me...and I usually let him know who is the parent....but that isn't solving the problem either.
Like I said...short of getting my husband out of my life, I can't seem to find a solution.

Yes, I do try to remain calm most of the times…I am very serious about my anger management and my friends here have been most wonderful with their advise. Thnx for dropping in.

Hi Deepak,
We have a small TV for bedroom viewing so if I have to watch TV during dinner then I’ll have to go to the bedroom, which I don’t want.
As you said, every child these days is addicted to the TV though I must say that my son has curtailed it a lot. He watches for only 1hr (1pm to 2pm) during lunch time and then after completing his studies around 10pm, he switches on the TV and his cartoons. This continues during dinner too so essentially he is watching his cartoons till 11:30pm…now this is what I don’t like. He can watch his shows till the time dinner is served (while I prepare dinner and lay the table) but after that, if I want to watch some news or chat with his dad (he is included too)…he starts throwing his tantrums. But seriously Deepak, I am exasperated…I think cartoons should be banned by making a law*sigh*…I seriously think I’ll take Cyn’s advise (first responder) and make it a rule of no TV while dining…I had tried it before but he made such sorry faces, that I had to give in. this time I’ll be more serious.

BTW, what is a TV tuner kit/cord? Tell me in details, pls.

Hi Suditpa!
It is a good idea that during dinner time TV be swtiched off and it should not be seen by anyone. Recently, while discussing some problems with our family Doctor, he advised the same thing to me that we must not watch TV, while taking our dinner, if we watch TV, then it is will be difficult to prevent our children. We need to set an example. Watching TV till late at night i.e. till 11.30 p.m. appears too long to me, because your son is required to get up early for his school, I suppose and if he goes to bed late, getting up early becomes difficult.
You see banning cartoon chaneels is not going to solve the problem. Remember, when you are busy in some task, he keeps himself busy with cartoons, he also needs some entertainment.
You can get a TV tuner kit from some electronic shop, which sells electronic product relating to TV & computers. It is a small device with a long cord, which when plugged to TV and other end to your CPU of Computer, transmits all TV prorammes/channels and it is not very expensive, it may cost you something around Rs.1400-2000/-.
All the best!

Thnx for the info and the reply...I will try to retire earlier at night.

I think it is better to go to bed early as you can get up early next day without any hassels.

Thanks so much for reassuring me…I really really need it from time to time. I know he’s a good kid but he’s no longer a child and I think its about time he started understanding about sharing with parents and responsibility (have you ever noticed how its never a problem of sharing with their friends??!!)…I would really like him to give up something which he enjoys, just so his parents can enjoy some of their own likings.
I’ll be chking out the link you gave…and for your daughter…oh she brought a smile on my lips as I read about her certifying herself as an easy child…I tell my mom the same thing! Wait till she becomes a mother and find out for herself

I think my daughter will have an easier time than I have had in child rearing because I will share what I have shared with you. In fact, she is quite a reader and loves to research things so I will give her a good stack of information that should help.

In the meantime, I would focus on the positive things that your son is doing and compliment him on those things. You may be surprised on how that may cause him to open up to you when he feels your approval. You stand in a very powerful place as a parent to build your son's self image. Children love to do nice things when they are complimented. I really had to work on this one with my daughter because I grew up in a house where we were constantly criticized. Without even knowing it, I tended to focus on her faults rather than her strengths. I know my mother meant well, but it set a pattern in me that has been hard to break. In fact, how wonderful it would be for you to quietly sit with your son and watch his cartoons with him. What a blessing that he at ten is still watching cartoons instead of things that would really be questionable. As you show interest in him, he will eventually show interest in you. It is not very often that my daughter takes over the TV, I enjoy what she watches and she enjoys what I watch. We don't always agree but we are open about our opinions and it is a good communication bond.

I grew up with my mom criticizing me constantly…even now, I fail to understand her benchmark of perfection…I guess to her, only she herself is perfect. Maybe that’s why on being a mother, I have always praised my son and encouraged him to make mistakes and take his own decisions. One fallout of this is that he has become ‘too’ independent for my liking and herein I face all my problems. He is really really obstinate when he wants to or on issues where he feels he is correct. Now a 10yr old of course is not correct most of the times! Anyway, I really appreciate your replying back…thnx a ton.

Please go and read the book. There is a better way than concentrating on the negative behavior and making each evening a battle ground. It's easier to steer a horse by the reins than to get off and kick him in the back end. The horse will more than likely give you a hard kick back. I am not saying that you are physically hitting him but you can do the same thing mentally without even realizing it. Pick your battles. If this really bothers you, read the book and then take a different approach that is not eyeball to eyeball. How you handle this is how your son will handle your grandchildren.

Sudipta, I think your mother's benchmark for perfection was not herself. She probably knew she wasn't perfect and wanted you to be. And in a way that was her frustration coming out at you as a child. I see the same in my mother.

Hi Sandhya,
Let me first say that its such a wonderful pleasure to see you here after quite some time…I was really really thinking of you.
Next, I really don’t know my mom’s benchmark! I was so scared of her that I don’t even know her sun sign (you know, typically outdated concept like you don’t ask your parents their age!) but I think she is an all controlling, all perfect virgo! Her main problem is that she has still not grown up beyond her own childhood…my granny was a perennially sick type and my grandpa had to take care of all 11 kids…so no wonder he used the stick (and his belt) often…mom grew up believing that a slap is the best way to keep a child under control and kids should ideally emulate parents…no questions asked! She did the same with me, an only child, never appreciating the difference in the two situations. Whenever I did anything wrong or answered back, her favourite line was ‘if we spoke thus, our father would slap us tightly and we would hang our head in shame..’ followed by that action…I cant tell anybody enough Sandhya, how much I disliked that line and the implications.
Now my problem is, growing up in such a mindset and hating every minute of it, I seem to have become too lenient with my son…just like your hubby, I have encouraged the independent streak in him (something my mom never did and I suffered a lot in my early youth)…I am slowly trying to build a mid way but I fear that I might be already too late in inculcating the difference between discipline and control

I can't explain Sudipta how much I understand your situation. It's just the matter of striking a balance....but I don't think it's too late. But it might take a little longer than if you had done it earlier.

Child rearing takes a lifetime. Just because we are a product of our parents does not mean that your children should become that same product. We all have a choice. You can break the bad patterns. Your children can move into a better place so that your grandchildren can be even more free. Even though my child is getting close to 30 years old, I always find myself asking God to help me to know what to do in this or that situation.

My mother was a perfectionist also and had much anger. I was the target of all of this. When she was 70 and I was caring for her, I found her sobbing on the couch one day. I thought she needed medical attention. In the middle of the sobs she asked me why her mother would never hold her. A child should always feel loved first and foremost. Mama never did. She then asked why I would want to take care of her. My reply was that she was my mother and I loved her. A lifetime of healing took place for me and I think for her also in that moment of time.

Mama died of pancreatic cancer shortly after that. She wrote me out of part of her will (another long story) while giving my other siblings quite a bit more. It even hurts after more than ten years but instead of blaming siblings, I chose to love them and pray for them. I do not put up with junk from them but as I was praying, their hearts were changed and now we walk together united.

Strife is what divides. When division takes place, every nasty thing enters in. I fight trying to be perfect and have learned to relax. I have also found that what I thought was rebellion was a wall to protect against hurt. Hurting people hurt people. We all deal with this. This is why many times child rearing problems come back to us and our handling of human affairs. The book I recommended is a good one but not the only one. I ask God for the help in every situation because only He knows what is wrong with our thoughts. He has truly brought me out of a lot of this mess and the next generation is less hurt by all of this.

Hi Rajib,
If you remember my earlier discussion regarding my son and my anger, then you will also remember a lot of friends (incl. you) had advised me to be calm…I have taken the advise very seriously and nowadays, I am being polite and nice to him as much as possible.
Now regarding him going too far…this is what I fear the most yet, if I give in most of the times, I come across as a weak mother. I really fear the ‘withdrawal’ part, I know of kids who have no personal interaction with their parents and I shudder to think on such lines.
Since you say so well about something being under the carpet, one thing I must share with you…since the time he was born, he was taken care of by his grandparents (my in-laws) as I slogged at office during the day. Due to various reasons, that joint family broke up and we shifted house in October 2007(my son was 8yrs then)…I know that this separation has hurt my son deeply. It was akin to uprooting him but being a child, he could not really understand the equations of the adult world and throughout last year (2008) he used to shout and accuse me of separating him from his grandparents. You don’t know what troubled times I have passed last year…he has cooled and settled down a lot, but I know he is not that happy as he was previously! But what more can I do Rajib? Its not possible to go back…I try to keep him happy as best as I can yet now I feel that sometimes he is taking advantage of this…I mean he has come to accept that we can never go back, but he also understands that there are many things that mommy will do now, just to keep him happy.
He goes to visit his grandparents during vacation time for a week or so and keeps in touch with them over the phone. The separation was not acrimonious and we all are very much in touch…so he cant complain on that.

Well, well Sudipta, something of this sort I expected know from you. Now all is told and known, its time we try to fix the issue. Yes I remember every bit of the discussion that even I had suggested you to be cool and see how things follow.

First thing he is still a child though his actions are grown ups alike. Two things you overlooked perhaps when you got separated from the joint family and the boy was taken along you without counting his wish. I do not think you had a talk with him before you were finally out of the house. The granny's love is something children of that age hate to share and again hate to be deprived of. Hid soul remained there though his body came with his parents. Might be here he did not get like minded friends and created sort of cocoon and with TV and all remain inside it rest of the time.

Second thing when you used to be too angry he got scared and that sent him sort of introvert and ceased normal discourse with you all but while in association with your in laws' house he was the real self again. A dichotomy tore him apart and meanwhile he got accustomed to your anger and scolding and started the reverse action like - 'you took me away from grand parents house without consulting me or asking me and now up to sickle me'. Hence the withdrawal like behavior came to the fore. It could be real and a trick too.

Third thing, just for the sake of mending things you turned too indulging and obliging to all his needs and he got his weapon to play with your emotion. Remember he is a clever observer.

Now what could be done? Why do not start in the most natural manner to entrust him some serious task like keeping the home account and ask him to make some omelet so that he feels that he really belongs to this house. I doubt he has this problem too that he feels himself alien as he being a boy of ten has no household liability. I do not mean all boys do, but just a try. Besides asks his opinion on too serious but fake discussion and resolve his opinion as the best and act accordingly.

Lets see....

When he was a child, we used to encourage him watch TV as he learnt a lot from there…colours and shapes and songs and dance…it was like real education. But that education has now taken the shape and form of an addictive monster!

Yes, you niece is still very young. When my son was that age, he was not a TV addict…rather he loved to play with his toys and guns. Its only when he is understanding more of these cartoons that he is becoming an addict. I have spoken to him many times and will do so again…I think like seasoned Indian politicians, dialogue is my only way out.

He goes to play in the late afternoon so that is compulsory unless its raining.
I have tried becoming real mad a few times…he gets scared and promises a lot and then we forget about it after a few weeks. But now, I am working on controlling my anger…I am trying to tackle him by being polite and nice.

Thnx so much for dropping by…yes, switching off the TV during dinner time seems the best suggestion that has come up here…I am seriously thinking of trying it out tonight, though I am sure that it will cause further tantrums.

Watching TV together is a great way to spend time with your child…I used to do that a lot with my son when he was younger and his choice of cartoons was better…nowadays, all he wants to watch are those violent anime cartoons which I simply detest…the one thing I really dislike is sitting thru half an hour of mindless violence, and that too from all similar looking characters with similar voices!