I need some help with my son

Hi Neha,
Yes, their addiction increases in direct proportion with their age and then as a mother, you tend to get frustrated repeating the same thing again and again…I mean how much more can we do really?!
But I think sticking on to NO TV during dinner would be the best solution here and I’ll seriously try it from tonight. Let me see how he takes it…actually more than the TV, its his obstinacy that I want to deal with.

Moreover, he is 10 years old and would shortly be entring the most difficult adoloscent period of his life.TRead carefully.

I went through other comments of yours only later and the time 11.30 is just too much for the child.That cannot eb allowed. You can even switch off the t.v and sacrifice watching it, if thta will make him go to bed early. After he falls asleep you can switch it on again.

As I said, I can survive without the idiot box…I want to watch the news with him only to inculcate a habit of watching current affairs.
11:30 is the earliest we can retire…I am actually thinking of starting a discussion on how I spend my day and what better ways for time management can I do…I’ve seen people here are extraordinarily gifted when it comes to solutions and advises. I know something has to be done…just don’t know what!

I am actually scared of letting him sulk…I have not given in to him on many previous occasions and after things have settled down and on some other occasion, he would bring up that incident of how I did not care for his thoughts…and now that he is entering adolescence, I feel talking would be the best way instead of imposing myself. However, he seems to take talking as a sign of weakness…I am really so confused as you can make out…just the other day I asked help from you all regarding my anger and am following all the suggestions (with good results till now)…I am again hoping to form a consensus out of this mess with help from you all.

Well this is more to do with his obstinate behaviour than with his TV watching…he has a schedule for that and also goes out to play in the afternoon. Its when he refuses to change channels or lower the volume, that gets on my nerves. Is your brother like that? Is he glued to the TV when he is watching it?

Yes, I feel Cyn's got the thing right here...though I must say it would be a Herculean task for me to wean him off TV.

OK I have heard this before but I really really want to know one thing here…he is going to enter adolescent very soon. everywhere I hear and read it’s the same about how difficult it is to keep the communication door open with children of this age (I know it, I remember my own days) and once that door is closed, its closed for a very vital part of the child’s life…at the end of it, its make or break as far as the future of the child is concerned. To keep this door open, its advised everywhere to go gentle, to talk more, to ‘understand’ and make them ‘understand’…this is what confuses me most. Talking to him makes him think I’m soft as a parent yet I am not too sure about reaching a point of no return…like banishing him to his own room and so on. He has already started shrugging his shoulders, next he will not be bothered about confinement and then what?

Yes he may act as if having to go to his room is no big deal but yes it will be and it will get the point across, if by chance that does not work then he looses a privilege, if his thing is watching television then he can not watch his shows for a certain period of time, if it is video games take the controllers away for several days. You are not here to be his friend, you are his parent and yes he will get angry and he is likely to say things that may hurt your feelings, when he does the punishment will last for longer. Demand respect form your children at all times. this way they will respect other adults. If he shurggs his shoulders then add a day to the lose of television. I am sure you get the gest of this.

I know that it is important that you respect your child's feelings as well, and that you show him that you care about how he feels but in doing so it is important that you establish that you are the parent and that while you will listen to him and care about his feelings you are the one that determines what the rules are and you expect him to respect you and follow your rules.

Ok…I hope I am not being a bore here but what about the fears I have of losing contact with him if I come across as to strict? I mean what if instead of coming around and respecting me, he starts to avoid me or gradually builds a grudge against me? kids are not supposed to ever ‘understand’ why they are being punished or deprived, so how do I bridge that gap?

You are not being a bore, this is a very interesting conversation and one that can help many. Sit him down and have a long heart to heart with your son, he is at a crucial age, one that as you have pointed out can result in him pulling away from you. Let him know that while he may not always agree with you that you are the parent and that he has to follow your rules, that the two of you have a long time to live under the same roof and he has a choice to either make that time pleasant for the both of you or miserable for the both of you. That as he gets older he will gain more responsibility and the ability to hang out with friends more but that his behavior will dictate weather or not he will see those benefits of good behavior come to place. He is in control of his future and future rights to go to a baseball game watch television and that if he looses a privilage it is no ones fault but his own. Lay down the guidelines, let him know what the rules are, even consider signing a rules contract, put it in witting what you expect of him and what he can expect of you. Both good and bad. I know he is only 10, but he will like that you are communicating with him and allowing him to have some say so (or at least the appearance of) in what the rules are, talk about them, talk about why they are important and why they are there.

Good Luck..

Yes, I am seriously thinking of banishing TV time and talking about each of our days …maybe this will help. In any case it will at least bring the family closer!

I have tried the cane way and it was not conducive…he started becoming too violent and was almost hitting back! So caning is out of way…now the cajoling part is something I have been doing for quite sometime. Its working most of the time but then sometimes (just as with the TV) he is too stubborn to see any reason or care for anybody else. This is something I now want to get across to him…sharing and caring for family members and giving up his own likings for us.

thnx for the suggestion. Both my son and me love food so I think it would be fun trying out simple dishes together.

Thank you for saying what I've been thinking....and saying here....this whole "my poor baby" crap is annoying!
When did we as parents lose control? I would really like the answer to that one wouldn't you?

Parents started looking control when they let there fear of government step in. And the kid were adviced by others, if you want to do what you want just tell social services. And the young parents of today, are so wrapped up into things they want, they don't care what there kids are doing and who there around. I have seen it with many young couples out there. That there social life is more important then who is with there kid. And Kid can feel that. And some feel it easyer to give them there way then to correct them and hear there cry. We've just developed a Lazy gerneration of whats in it for me....Mothers don't want to get up with the baby, fathers don't want to support the babys. So when you have a child that does not mind then maybe you need to reavaluate the way your rasing them. That is the one thing the alway bugged me... is to see a parent rewarding a child for bad behaivor. Kids today are tought the more you act up, the more you get.

Isn't that the truth?!
I remember a story about a kid I knew who got into trouble with underage drinking. So the cops hauled him to the cop shop and called the parents. His dad showed up and asked his son what happened...the son ignored him....his dad asked again. Again his idiot son ignored him. So his dad popped him up side the head. The sheriff in our little one horse town looked at the dad and told him if he did that again they would arrest him for child abuse. The dad said fine...whatever...and then he said..."If I don't do something to let him know I deserve respect and I don't make him behave you'll be seeing a lot more of him from now on!"....the sheriff shut up and no more was said or done......the kid is now a responsible grownup and a great member of the community!

One stupid sheriff, if I may say so!
However, here in India we don’t have govt control like that…however, what is spoiling us parents is really the child psychologists and sociologists. Every singe morning I open the newspaper I see reports of teenage boys and girls either committing suicide, or robbing money or going wild, or leaving home and such…invariably followed by ‘expert opinion’ for some leading child psychologist or sociologist on how we should become more ‘friends’ that parents, how strict control might actually harm the child, how we should be lenient and open so that they are free with us on anything and everything! Just this morning I read about some girl eloping with a ‘virtual’ guy she met on some chat site…as usual, the advise was for parents to themselves become members of facebook myspace, orkut etc and not ban these sites. Now the thing is, if indeed I do become a member and my son knows that too and we are having good time…I come up with him doing something bad and tell him to stop it…is he going to listen? Or would he rather expect me to endorse it? even if he does stop…what’s stopping him to go to another site? I am so confused and worried sick!
I do hope that by now you understand that watching or not watching TV is not the real problem here…problem is making him understand the difference between enforcement and respect.

From what I have read, you have lost control. You need to get that back. And that may be hard. A parents job is to teach there children to be responsable adults. and when you get them so much freedom, the only thing your teaching them is they can do what ever they want and it's ok. Well, It's NOT ok. It's little things, like getting there way over the TV or Games or even over what you fix for dinner, that leads to the Bigger things such as vilance, cheating, and stilling.
I have a friend, that works for a jail. and her kids walk all over her. Her daughter go her license to drive and told her mom she was not getting a job, it was her mom's responcablity to supply her with a car to drive, insurace and money to spend. And her mom does it. There is No respect there. And a child that is out of control in imposable to handle. And this is because she has tryed what you are doing. Now she has a kid the tells her what to do and not. Is that the life you want. I have never even heard her kid say I love you mom.
When my kids became old enough to drive, I did get them a car. But it was a used car, NO NEW. But they had to pay there own insuracance and gas and upkeep, And if they wanted all those instyle clothes they had to pay for them.. I would not pay those high price for clothing. I didn't ware $80 dollar jeans and I was not about to pay that for them to ware. They both got part time jobs and when they wanted something more them I was willing to do, then they got it themselves. I always would remind my kid. How would you like it if someone treated you badly. Think about what you do and say befor you do it. Cause it cant be takin back.
Now, I have one that Joined the Air Force and now works for a college while she continues here education. And the other went to a broadcast school to get into Radio/TV Broadcast. They both are very responsable and respect. And I hear from them daily and they always tell me before the hang up, I love you mom.
You can be a friend, But you have to be a Parent FRIST. Gide them and teach them right from wrong. And don't let them have the control. There is a time to let them make dessions. But 10 years old is not the time....