What do you think I should do?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
October 19, 2009 8:43am CST
When I was 16 I met this guy. He was a baseball player only in town for the summer. He was much older than me, but still he showed interest. One thing led to another... shortly after he left town I discovered I was pregnant. This is how my oldest son was concieved.
Shortly after discovering I was pregnant I learned (through a friend of a friend of a friend) that I was not the only woman who was pregnant by this man. Eventually I met this other woman. She was older, and already a mom, but we became friends anyways. Together we learned that the father of our babies was already married with kids back home. We also learned he'd had other illegitimate children along the way. One other woman in our town also had children by him.. 3 boys. A set of twins who were about 5 years older than my son, and another boy 1 year older than my son. My son and the other brother were born within a week of each other.
So that's 5 kids by 3 different women in this town alone.
Up until my son was about 3 or 4 I stayed in close contact with these other women, especially the mom of the 1 boy as we were very close friends. But life moved on, I met my hubby, settled down and had more kids. Eventually I lost touch with both the other moms.
However recently thanks to Facebook I've come back into contact with both the moms. One of them is talking about getting all 5 boys together.
So, here's the problem... my son has forgotten all about the other 3 boys. He knows of the one that is closest in age to him, but that alone is confusing enough to him. He's really too young to understand why he has so many siblings by different parents, and I'm just not sure I want to open that can of worms on him.
Not to mention what will my younger children think of the situation? They are certainly too young to understand.
Personally, I do not want to get involved in this all over again. I don't mind keeping in touch with the other moms, I just don't know if I want to involve my children in this drama!
I don't want to try to hide it from my son, he'll figure it out eventually that he has a lot more siblings than he knows about, but he really just doesn't understand the situation! Even though he's 12, he's still very naive. Sometimes it seems he's under the impression that he was adopted and that's why he has a brother that doesn't live with us. I try to explain it, but it's hard to explain the situation to a 12 year old in a way that won't portray a bad picture on anyone involved!
What should I do about reintroducing my son to his other brothers?
BTW- the father is not involved with any of these children. He lives in another state, does not contact me at all, and barely ever pays his child support.
4 people like this
14 responses
@lefthooklacey (53)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Well, even though your son is only 12, his mind is way more understanding than you can realize. Children are amazingly understanding when it comes to these types of situations. I too grew up without my real father, but I understood at a young age what was going on, even thought no one would talk about it with me. At 13 years old, I had already accepted it and moved on. It made me appreciate my stepfather even more, because none of us were his biological children, but he always treated us like we were. I keep in touch with my dad through the mail now, but only because I want to know more about my real grandparents and that side of my family that I never go to know.
@maximax8 (31042)
• United Kingdom
19 Oct 09
I think that the man behaved in a very irresponsible way sleeping with three different ladies and getting each of them pregnant. It is terrible that he pays hardly any child support and doesn't keep in contact. It was lovely that you became friends with the other two ladies that had got pregnant by him. It is easy to lose touch over the years. It is excellent that you have found them both on Face Book. I suggest that you let your 12 year old son meet yo with his siblings. I don't think you should explain much unless he asks you some questions. It would be best if you don't say much because your younger kids will ask what is going one. It will be superb if the five boys meet up. It could be 'friends' but rather more like 'family'. Good luck.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
19 Oct 09
I think your best ally in this situation is the other mothers. I would explain it to them and let them know what you think. Ask them for advice on what to say or how to broach the subject. Most likely they've done the same with their children. I know that you don't want your son to be any more confused about the situation then he is or to change his innocence in anyway, but if he hasn't already, he will start asking questions eventually.
I hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Follow your instincts, kat. Why allow this confusion and possible emotional upset for your son into your life? When he's an adult he can decide for himself if he wants to have a relationship with them. Now is not the time in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
19 Oct 09
That is a really tough situation, I think you have the right idea though. 12 is young and this is something that's just confusing to a kid. It might be a good idea to leave the lid on the can of worms for now. Once he's a little older and fully able to understand the situation then maybe he would be interested in getting to know the other kids. But if he decides that he really has no interest in it then that's that. I think that waiting until he's old enough and then letting him make the decision is probably the way to go.
1 person likes this
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Hi kats
I think that you are differntly looking at this in the right way. If your sons real father has no contact and your husband is taking on that role, then I would suggest to leave good things alone. You don't fix it if it ain't broke. I would do like one of the other mylotters said, just talk with the moms and see how they was raised and all. I wish the best of luck. keep smiling.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
19 Oct 09
That's pretty much how I feel about it too. He's got a good, stable life, why bring all that instability and uncertainty into it? Yes it's a shame his life has to be so dramatic with a different father and different siblings... but it's only dramatic and unstable if we allow it to be so. Knowing that he has other siblings should be enough, and when the day comes that he decides he wants to know them, he can do so. Until then I'd like him to have as much of a normal life as I can provide him.
1 person likes this
@rosepedal64 (4188)
• United States
19 Oct 09
Good girl...You are doing the right think for the sake of your son. I wish you good luck and a great life. Keep smiling my friend.
1 person likes this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
20 Oct 09
No way you should continue…your thoughts are absolutely on the right path. No need to open a can of worms and have skeletons tumbling out of closed cupboards. You are happy with your present family, your hubby is happy, the kids are happy…why would you want your eldest son to meet some other boys with whom he might have nothing else in common except for half a set of chromosomes? And you say that eventually he would come to know about his other siblings…why? And how? And even if he does, let him deal with it in his own time…don’t have it thrust upon him. Adolescence is not the best of times and he seems happy and settled, so why disturb his life over something that can be very well avoided.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 09
Thanks...
Things had been going along just fine when we didn't know how to contact the other brothers... so just because I've found the moms on Facebook doesn't mean I need to act upon it... and since I really don't feel comfortable doing so, I probably just won't.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
21 Oct 09
Thnx for the BR...both you and your hubby seems to be very balanced coz of your own previous experiences and I wish all of you all the best.
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
20 Oct 09
At the age of 12 years old, I think your son should be able to handle the truth. Not to sound judgemental or anything, but when something happens in life, regardless of how dramatic and possibly messed up it might be, we have to be prepared to deal with future consequences (in other words, we've mad our beds, now we must lie in them!!). My husband has a lot of drama in his family too, and he has been up-front about it all, because it's better to tell the truth, than to possibly confuse the members, if that makes sense. It's better he learned from you, with you at his side to support him, than some other way that may only traumatize him.
@robert19ph (4577)
• Philippines
20 Oct 09
hello katsmeow1213,
so sorry to know that the father of your son did that to you, more to your son. 
regarding with your son, i think it's not the right time yet to introduce him to his other siblings for he will just feel bad and will never understand. give him some more time. it's better maybe if you will do it when he is old and mature enough. this way, he can deal with it and hopefully will not get urt that much.
for now, just continue having contact with the other moms. i think your son and their children has the right to know that they are half brother and sister. who knows when all your kids are ready, they might be happy to know that they have brother and sister. and that what you were afraid about was just in your mind.
regarding with your son, i think it's not the right time yet to introduce him to his other siblings for he will just feel bad and will never understand. give him some more time. it's better maybe if you will do it when he is old and mature enough. this way, he can deal with it and hopefully will not get urt that much.
for now, just continue having contact with the other moms. i think your son and their children has the right to know that they are half brother and sister. who knows when all your kids are ready, they might be happy to know that they have brother and sister. and that what you were afraid about was just in your mind.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
20 Oct 09
I'm not sure that I'm right here as I have never been in your situation. As a mom, I would advise you to be 100/% honest with your son and the younger children as well. I just have this thing about being open and honest and especially with the things we most wish we could hide. I think it brings people closer. I just can't condone covering up the truth especially to our kids. I know it is really awkward but you have to be strait with your son. At 12 he has a right to know who his real dad is. your kids count on you of all the people in the world to give them the Gods honest truth. Don't hide it from them. You would not want them lying to y ou would you? don't do it....you would regret it in the end.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 09
I grew up without ever knowing my real father too, and I was never lied to. My husband was adopted at birth, and he too was never lied to. So we certainly made it a point to let my son know the truth about his birth father. He doesn't seem to care though. He has never asked questions about it. He's never wondered why he hasn't met his dad or siblings. Sometimes I wonder why he isn't curious.. I know I was very curious. But it's just his nature I guess. He accepts what he has and moves on. He has a good "dad", that is my hubby. He calls him dad and everything.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
20 Oct 09
I have not lied to my son. He knows of his real father, and knows he has siblings. My other children know that his father is different than theirs too. But telling him that he has other siblings in the world, and introducing him to them are 2 different things.
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
20 Oct 09
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Here's the deal, eventually, you will have to explain this whole thing to him. Don't bash the sperm donor, but don't make him sound like a god either. I think that if you talk to the other moms and explain how you feel, you could all eventually talk this one through. It's not the kids' fault that they have a loser dad, on the other hand, letting them get together once in a while isn't a bad idea. If they are all really siblings, the bond that they share while growing up will make the transition of the whole story easier. Let them be together, and love one another and be friends now. And when it is time for them to know what is going on, explain it as best as you can. YOu are not a bad mother for doing what's best for your child, but you don't want them tramatized by finding out later, and never having any kind of bond. Just ask the other mothers' to not mention anything right now and let them bond before you decide when and where to tell your youngn'. Good luck to you!
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Oct 09
wow that is a complicated mess. I do feel for you.I think maybe you should talk this over with your husband, Maybe he could have some input on all this, in fact maybe a male telling your son about all of this might be the way to go. Good luck and I hope it all works out. I can understand you not wanting to get all involved in all this again.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Oct 09
You know your own son better than anybody. Use your own judgment as to when to tell him. If you don't think he's ready yet, just politely decline and let them know that you'll be interested at a future date (which you will name).
@rberon1985 (5359)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
It is so sad to hear this story from you. I can relate to the story, because my father is the same with the father of your son. He has left us when I was 15 years old and never come back. As you have mentioned, the mind of your son is still naive, so it will not be easy for him to explain this things to him. I think this is not the right time for your son to know about this, i know he has the right to know about it but not this time. Let him to be mature first. When he is already mature, it will be
easy for him to understand. If you will be telling him about it this moment, he will just be confuse. You have also mentioned that he is in the impression that he was just adopted and that is why he has a brother doesn't live with you. Do not let him feel that way. Tell him the truth that at his age now, you can not explain him the full details because he will just be confuse.I hope this help. happy mylotting!!
1 person likes this
