Not a total loss...
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85137)
Shingle Springs, California
March 6, 2010 11:38am CST
Dang, I made the digest twice yesterday. Thanks guys!
When I was a child I learned some things that didn't hold me in good stead as an adult. I was 7 years old when I sneaked into the Halloween candy. And my parents did the usual lining up of the four of us and got the usual answer, not me, not me, not me, not me. So not being stupid (on paper anyway) they told us that if we were honest with them, we wouldn't be punished. So I confessed that it was me and ended up getting a really good spanking.
What did I learn from this? Don't admit your transgressions. You will get spanked. Don't trust adults. They lie when they want to get something. Probably other unsavory things as well.
When I got older, got a job, etc., I learned that lying is a really bad idea. There are people out there who are smarter than my parents were (I'm not talking IQ here), and you will hurt your job chances, hurt your relationships, etc., when you lie. So I stopped. It wasn't that hard to do. But it was a lot harder to be open and honest about things. So I down play things, I keep things inside, I avoid telling people things that I know can be hurtful. Because sometimes when you open up, you get spanked.
Fast forward to 2010...
You guys have been my sounding board for 2 years now. I tell stories, I b*tch about my marriage, I come here to put something past your BS meters to see if I have the right idea about something. Thank you for that. I don't have that great a support system in the real world, I guess, but you guys have totally made up for it.
Anyway, far as b*tching about my marriage, the above story about the Halloween candy is just to tell you that our problems are not all his fault by any means. I'm not excusing some of his behavior, but it does drive him nuts when he thinks that I am withholding. So I share less and less and less with him because I get spanked.
Last night we had a really good talk. The marriage is ending, but I think I have my best friend back. Maybe. I don't know for sure, because it's going to be really hard for him. Easier for me, since I've been mourning the marriage and the relationship for a long time, and I don't really have any feelings left for him except friendship. But I'm hopeful.
Marriage over, friendship salvageable. Not a total loss...
7 people like this
20 responses
@sunnycool (12714)
• India
6 Mar 10
If you're comfortable being a friend rather than a spouse then it perfect Dawnald 
Ohhhhh by the way Can i trust you 
-----you seem to be Adult to me 
Ohhhhh by the way Can i trust you -----you seem to be Adult to me 
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
7 Mar 10
Hi dawnald,
Whatever happens, I,m you both can work out what its best and I think friendsip is good and better for the kids too, though it will be hard.
Tamara
2 people like this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
I'm crossing my fingers about the friendship (for the kids' sake).
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
7 Mar 10
Hiya Dawny.. at least you have looked upon the bright side..and moreover, if this decision is mutual, and if friendship is there, I think that's quite alright. I know you'll be able to go through with this one, dear friend. Take care... we'll always be here for you.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Mar 10
hI Dawn I am glad that its not really a total loss, I have read your discussions and saw a very intelligent woman with a great sense of humor and a desire to not hurt anyone even if she was hurt, so now you made your best and final decision and I know you are hurting for your husband even now. But I am so hoping you will as you say remain best friends. Its good to have best friends. I married my best friend and we had a long marriage with many ups and downs, but it was so different than yours,like comparing apples with zuccini squash. for one thing my husband was very slow to anger about any thing, and how he put up with me and my quicksilver temper is a miracle. but I am strangely happy for you in that its not going to be an ugly situation between the two of you. Ido know what you mean about getting spanked too. strange how parents still do those things and think its good for a child? no I do not think so.
So you are really right,its not a total loss, friendship is always good,
and it will be a better thing for your children too. good luck and God bless.
too. strange how parents still do those things and think its good for a child? no I do not think so.
So you are really right,its not a total loss, friendship is always good,
and it will be a better thing for your children too. good luck and God bless.2 people like this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
I hope the friendship thing works out, for the childrens' sake if nothing else. But the last 3 days have been interesting. Day 1 - he's my best friend, wants me to be happy, will support anything I decide, etc. Day 2 - he knows I've made up my mind but it just hurts so much. Day 3 - back giving me reasons why it can work out and that I should give it another try. Sigh. I guess it's going to be a long, hard year...
@savypat (20216)
• United States
6 Mar 10
I am also hopeful for you. Just remember to give time for healing. One thing you can do is imigine certian situations that might arise and prepare yourself to deal with them. An example is when he starts dating again, or when you start dating.
Another is when the kids start playing one parent against another, this will happen. Your children are going to be upset, they don't like the insecurity of change and will resent this. Even if your c hildren are grown this happens. If you can, find a support group, there seems to be one for everything. Just remember we will be here for you. Blessings
2 people like this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
First it's going to be figuring out when to tell the kids and everybody else, when he's moving out, what to do with things, etc., then healing...
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
9 Mar 10
Hi Dawn, I dont know much about your world. But based on what I see out here, I dont believe that there will be no hard feelings. So promoting him to "best friend", or even "friend" would be something that would have my ears up instantaneously. If differences are irreconcilable, then you need to admit, they are just that. We cant really be friends and continue to have differences! We are friends with people who are understand our point of view, and are supportive. If he'd understood, differences would not be there in the first place.
It is hard time for kids Dawn. Their get disillusioned with institution called marriage. And in future - they may themselves think it is ok to walk out of marriage, without giving it their best.
Hope - yes - that is a must. I hope that you find a better man, who can be a good daddy to your kids, and a good husband to you. Its never too late. :)
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Mar 10
We shall see. I'm optimistically skeptical...
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
15 Mar 10
Dawn I am so sorry that it has come to this
I wish you would have had that talk ages ago it might have saved it
But I guess when the love is gone there is no saving anything but I do hope that you have kept your best Friend I really do
I hope you are dealing ok with all this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Mar 10
Heck we're still going around and around. And I'm too worried about Dearra to deal with this right now...
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
12 Mar 10
What a clever girl. An amicable parting is the very best way to do things and I'm sure that people know there are always two sides to any story. My partners always come off sounding awful when I tell my story but my side is only half. None of us is perfect and incompatibility is a two sided coin my dear.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Mar 10
I think I can be OK with it if he doesn't get in my face all the time. We shall see...
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
7 Mar 10
This is something that I have been plying in my thoughts for a long time. I think time to join in the club. I don't understand why it takes me 28 hellish years in marriage to realize that I need to move out and be independent. I have been the caregiver all those years and he is only a parasite that has given me a lot of stress in life which ended me a slave to my bp medications daily and it should be a life time of pill popping. But I hate all those officialdom going through all the legal divorce papers and I just hope that I can be a bold woman and face it once and for all. You have given me a fresh hope that all is not loss when marriage crumbles and friendship remains as both have a common link in our children. 
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
7 Mar 10
Thanks Jean, I haven't look in that aspect - legal separation. How did you do it? What does that mean..legally separated but not divorce? Can the other party still claim my properties if I die before him? Isn't that putting limits to my social life? I am moving in to my new house this year and I have hinted to him that I don't want him to move in with me as he is a drinker and when he is drunk he turns ugly. Since the new house is in a housing estate, I don't want him to disturb the peace within the neighborhood. Now I am staying in individual house far from other houses, his rowdy actions are not within earshot to outsiders. But again, I have this compassionate heart that always tell me to hang on to him as he is the father of my kids and am torn between keeping the family intact and wanting to let go of the miseries that I am in. Definitely, there is no longer love left but I look at him in a pitiful state as he is driving himself into insanity with his habitual drinking. I really need a lot of courage to release myself from his clutches. How I wish I am able to set myself free with just a twist of fingers and let bygone be bygone and start a new chapter in my life. I am in real dilemma! 
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
Hi Zandi - doesn't sound like a good situation for you at all. I hope you find a way out for yourself. I just figure I don't know how many years I have left on this earth, but I want them to be happier ones than the last few have been. And I've come to the conclusion that I can't be happy with him.
I'm not really sure at this point whether I'd be happier by myself, doing my own thing or with somebody new who is more right for me, but I'd really like to find out!
@primeaque86 (8108)
• Philippines
6 Mar 10
I have seen it dawnald... I saved it in my inbox... Another good work!!! Congratulations...
1 person likes this
@primeaque86 (8108)
• Philippines
6 Mar 10
And I wish you luck for the new journey of you life now... Good luck... and God bless you with you kids... It's not a total loss
1 person likes this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
7 Mar 10
That would be really cool to have him as a best friend, IF it works. I hope so, for your sake, that it does. I really do. What a lovely way to look at a divorce, such a tumultuous time and you are being positive about it, good for you. Maybe he hopes that in being your friend, you will open up to him more, without the fear attached to it of being 'spanked' and maybe, just maybe, he will modify his behaviour so things could work out in the future at some point. Either way, you definitely sound happier. Why? I think because you have been dreading this for a long time, and now that the decision seems to be being made, finally, you have relief. I'm so glad and you can now move on to the next stage of Dawn.
You are evolving, we all are. It is a journey. It is meant to be enjoyed, not just gotten through somehow.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
7 Mar 10
Salvaging the friendship is the best thing you could have done and I am so glad you managed to do that because you will be still be parents and it is a lot easier if you are friends. Having said that I realise that it is not easy walking away from a marriage, I know because I have been there and done that, the difference for me was we broke up on good terms but did not have children which made things not so much less painful but easier. You are about to start a new chapter in your life and I wish you all the best. I hope the kids deal with the separation as positively as possible. Thank you sharing your life with us Dawn, hope it all works out...
1 person likes this
@much2say (57760)
• Los Angeles, California
8 Mar 10
Wow, dawnald. I'm glad you had a good talk with him . . . it's one step forward towards moving on. Not a total loss, as you said . . . in fact you will see there will be more to gain in coming time. I'm sure it was a tough decision, but the best decision for you. I hope all goes as smoothly as possible for the family.
You have a way with words, dawnald . . . I was very moved with this particular post. And that Halloween candy - it can be a trick OR treat.
1 person likes this
@hofferp (4734)
• United States
6 Mar 10
Dawn, I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work. I haven't really gotten to know you, but I am so sorry. I know you have at least two children. How many do you have? Have you told them? What are your plans from here? I wish you the best!
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 Mar 10
Three children, haven't told them yet, still figuring things out between us (as far as what to do when, I mean).
@GardenGerty (169450)
• United States
6 Mar 10
I hope that it is a good decision for you and him and the kids as well. We all need support systems from somewhere. Not entirely sure where mine is, but it is emergent. About the time I make a decision something out of control happened that changed it. I hope that does not happen to you. Will your kids be okay? Marriage does need to be a partnership all the way through and through, and a friendship. I have a family member who is going through some rough times and trying to make a decision right now, so I can sympathize.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
I don't know if the kids will be OK or not. We haven't told them yet. Soon, I think , but we need to discuss it first.
@cloudwatcher (6861)
• Australia
6 Mar 10
"A really good talk . . . I have my best friend back"
It is going to be really hard for both of you - ALL of you - but if you can maintain the friendship, the difficulties will be minimised.
"Not a total loss"
With three wonderful children, not a loss at all.
"You guys have been my sounding board for 2 years now"
Anytime Dawn. If I can help in any way, I am here - and no spanking.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
Well the children are certainly NOT a loss.
As for the friendship, we shall see...
As for the friendship, we shall see...
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
6 Mar 10
I thought things were starting to get better, a few weeks ago you'd said you were working on it and it was showing positive results.. or am I mistaken? Have you told the kids yet?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 Mar 10
temporary insanity cockeyed optimism based on unrealistic hope
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
6 Mar 10
If y'all can stay friends that will be great. It will be easier on the kids for y'all to be friends. I couldn't do that, i admire u for bring able to. GOOD LUCK.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
We shall see. He is constantly surprising me. Positively and negatively...
@marguicha (230351)
• Chile
6 Mar 10
Don´t be afraid, dear dawn, for the "scalded cat" feeling. It´s not your fault and most of us have some story or other about a very unjust attitude of our parents that is still hurting us and causing problems. I will tell you, by the way, that us, as parents will do some harm to our loved ones too. Not meant, but nevertheless... there it is. Noone taught us to be the perfect parents: there´s no such course.
As for marriage: there´s NEVER only one who is "at fault" when things don´t work out. But none of them is guilty. I think that is more that you were not meant for each other. At least not forever. I think it is wonderful if you can mantain a friendship relationship, specially since you have children in common.
A BIG HUG!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
I hope we can maintain a friendship. We shall see...
@Sandra1952 (6047)
• Spain
6 Mar 10
Hello, Dawn. Sorry to hear that - I know you've given it your best shot, but sometimes you just can't save it. At least you can move forward now. You're the important one, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you need to talk, I'm here. Doesn't matter whose 'fault' it is - you haven't been happy for a long time. That's not good for any of you.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Mar 10
Nope, it's not good. And the fact is, that I mainly haven't been happy when I've been interacting with HIM.
