How airplane pilots taught me to be a better child psychologist

@TheHorse (238364)
Walnut Creek, California
March 26, 2017 3:13pm CST
Have you noticed that many people don't listen that well during conversation? They interrupt, they usurp your story with their story that is even more dramatic, and they try to "win" arguments, rather than sharing a mutual learning experience. For some reason I've become fascinated with airplane-tower communications recently. On YouTube, you can listen to Sully talking to the tower before he successfully landed a commercial airliner in the Hudson river in New York. You can listen to planes in trouble right before they landed a wounded aircraft or, in some sad cases, crashed. What strikes me is how the aviators and the tower make sure they understand each other. An airplane-tower communication might go like this: Pilot: Horse 101, experiencing engine failure on right side, request return to airport. Tower: Tower to Horse 101, understand you have engine failure on right side? Pilot: Affirmative, Horse 101. Engine failure on right side. Do you have a runway for me? Tower: Tower, affirmative, suggest runway 27R. Let us know if you are declaring an emergency. Pilot: Horse 101, affirmative, declaring an emergency. Have control of aircraft, but request fire and medical. Tower: This is Tower, turn right heading 320, should have visual on runway 27R. Wind 5 knots from the SW. Not a factor. Pilot: Horse 101, turning right heading 320, will look for runway. Tower: Tower, 320 affirmative... The protocol for pilots and flight controllers is to make sure they've heard each other, and to respond in such a way as to make it clear that they've heard each other. I think we non-aviators can learn from them. With one of my kid clients, who listens poorly, I decided to try something. He is fascinated by my stick shift, and I let him sit in front ("shotgun") when we drive to the local park to shoot hoops and skateboard. I told him about how pilots, co-pilots, and towers communicate, and he was interested. I challenged him to be my co-pilot, and shift my gears, while we're driving in non-critical situations. It's worked perfectly! Here's what we sound like: Me: Pilot speaking, coming to an intersection. Request downshift from third to second gear to prepare for stop. Kid: Third to second, check (he shifts into second gear). Me: I'll take control as we make this right turn from a stop. Will request second to third gear once we're on the straightaway. Kid: Second to third, check. And on and on. He loves it, and he doesn't know that I'm teaching him active listening and clear communication skills. My hope is that he can generalize these skills to his interactions with family and friends, where he tends to interrupt a lot, listen poorly, and be "bossy" to a point where other kids eventually avoid him. Think it can work?
23 people like this
23 responses
@JudyEv (382555)
• Rockingham, Australia
27 Mar 17
What a great idea. On phone calls with banks, etc, Vince will say 'that's correct' rather than just 'yes'. The few times I've heard pilots and towers talking I can barely understand any of it.
6 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I'm thinking that's because of the scratchiness of the frequencies they're using. All the more reason to communicate really clearly.
4 people like this
@JudyEv (382555)
• Rockingham, Australia
6 Apr 17
@CoralLevang Clear speech is so important and especially when your hearing starts to go a bit. The lyrics on some songs are hard to work out sometimes; even worse if the speech isn't clear.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (382555)
• Rockingham, Australia
6 Apr 17
@CoralLevang That's sounds a bit tough. I never had my mouth washed out with soap. I don't think I'd have ever forgotten it either.
@teamfreak16 (43665)
• Denver, Colorado
26 Mar 17
Whenever I fly I can't help but focus on the takeoff communication scene from Airplane! Good thing you didn't base it on that!
4 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
Please elaborate. I am fascinated by flying. But I am not a pilot.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
@teamfreak16 Don't call me Shirley?
2 people like this
@teamfreak16 (43665)
• Denver, Colorado
27 Mar 17
@TheHorse - Captain Oveur, co-pilot Roger Murdock (Kareem,) and weather guy Victor. Stuff like: "You are cleared for takeoff. Over." "That's Captain Oveur." "Roger" "Huh?" "What's your vector, Victor?" "Roger." "Huh? " It's hilarious.
3 people like this
@marguicha (230365)
• Chile
26 Mar 17
Your post is awesome! We should all learn how to listen
3 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
26 Mar 17
I save "active listening" for my last day of class in Intro. It's one of the most important skills, I think.
2 people like this
@marguicha (230365)
• Chile
28 Mar 17
@TheHorse It is very important. And everyone should learn this.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
@marguicha Did you say something? I was too busy thinking of my response. Kidding.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Mar 17
I would say that the tower to planes are the most important conversations there are I don't fly but I sure think that conversation is more important than most of us are having.
4 people like this
• United States
31 Mar 17
@TheHorse What did you say....I wasn't paying attention....
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
31 Mar 17
It's important, and can serve as a role model for all of us. Many speak but don't listen.
1 person likes this
@amadeo (111937)
• United States
26 Mar 17
you and Mike should get together.He being a psychiatric social worker and you being a child psychologist. Though he did not work with children.But some and mostly young teen angers.
4 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I'm sure it would be an interesting conversation.
2 people like this
• Eugene, Oregon
27 Mar 17
How innovative is that?! You really found a way to communicate with this kid and teach him.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
31 Mar 17
For me, so much of the best of "psychology" is by the seat of the pants (whatever that means).
1 person likes this
• Eugene, Oregon
31 Mar 17
@TheHorse I suspect that is often the case.
@dragon54u (31633)
• United States
26 Mar 17
I think it will work beautifully! Listening is one of the most valuable skills a child can have and it will help in in school or socially. When he grows to adulthood he'll know how to listen and follow instructions on the job. He will no longer repeat things aloud but his brain will think them. Your first paragraph is how I used to be. I only listened so I could jump in and one-up the speaker with an experience or a thought. When I grew older I found that listening made it so much easier to make and keep friends and also made life more interesting.
2 people like this
@DaddyEvil (174707)
• United States
28 Mar 17
@TheHorse Of course you will have time to tell your own story, pony.... After everyone else has told theirs and you've watched the last person head for their home. THEN it will be your turn.... Hmmm.... I can see why some people prefer to jump right into the middle of the ongoing story, tell their story and THEN, if they are still interested in listening, let you finish what you were saying.... Try it, you will find I am correct! LOL! (I prefer to win arguments before there IS an argument!)
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
31 Mar 17
@DaddyEvil Only those smart enough to know that my story is worth hearing...will ever hear it.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
26 Mar 17
Yes, others' stories ARE worth hearing! We'll have time to tell our own.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (190011)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Mar 17
Sure. Remember though, repetition is everything.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (190011)
• Boise, Idaho
27 Mar 17
@TheHorse ....I'm just saying that you may have to repeat yourself for kids to get what you are trying to teach them.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
Please elaborate! I'm fairly well known as a kid psychologist. But the kids I work with don't know that. To them, I'm just a guy with an SUV who likes guitar and hoops and cycling.
2 people like this
@Tina30219 (82978)
• Onaway, Michigan
26 Mar 17
I think anything is possible and with some kids it just depends some choose not to listen well because what is being talked about does not interest them. After reading this post it makes me even more excited to watch the movie.
2 people like this
@Tina30219 (82978)
• Onaway, Michigan
27 Mar 17
@TheHorse Right it is always good getting to be the hero and save a bunch of lives. My son got to play hero once to me his dad and baby sister we had an apartment fire that started in his room and he came and told us and we hurried and got out by the time we got out we had big flames shooting out of the top of the apartment.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I'll watch Sully at some point. I like level-head guys that save a bunch of lives.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
@Tina30219 What caused the fire?
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (502812)
• Italy
27 Mar 17
What you are doing is beautiful. I am sure that this is a great method to teach people how to listen. The fact to repeat is important, it's the way to check that he really listened. Well done!
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (502812)
• Italy
7 Apr 17
@TheHorse This is an interesting method and a sure way to know if the person to whom you are speaking is listening.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
Repeating back what the other person has said, but in slightly different words, is actually advocated as a therapeutic tool by humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
16 May 17
@LadyDuck I just used it with the Comcast guy when my email was down. I like clear communication.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (64346)
• United Kingdom
27 Mar 17
What a great way to teach him, and there is a good chance that it will spill over into other areas of his life.
3 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
Yes--that's what I'm hoping!
1 person likes this
@Tampa_girl7 (54739)
• United States
27 Mar 17
I think there's a good chance it will
2 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (54739)
• United States
27 Mar 17
@TheHorse slow and steady wins the race
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I hope so! It's a slow process, but that's just the way it goes.
2 people like this
@sallypup (69241)
• Centralia, Washington
26 Mar 17
Just don't get sued in this sue you! world. Excellent idea.
2 people like this
@sallypup (69241)
• Centralia, Washington
27 Mar 17
@TheHorse Reckless endangerment and emotional distress from the parents?
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
@sallypup Heh. They don't seem like the kind to go after money from someone who is helping their kid. Now the parents I worked with in Oakland...that's a different story! Sheesh. We had to watch our backs all the time!
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
Hmm. What would I get sued for? Teaching him how to shift gears?
2 people like this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
27 Mar 17
That's a great idea for someone like him. I hope it works and very innovative of you.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I hope it keeps working. We shall see.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
31 Mar 17
@MarymargII You mean like if I trade my Xterra in for an automatic? Ain't finna happen.
1 person likes this
@MarymargII (12422)
• Toronto, Ontario
31 Mar 17
@TheHorse You may have to change things up just a little!
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (148771)
• Roseburg, Oregon
27 Mar 17
I think it could work and I hope it does. You are good with kids and you care about them.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Apr 17
I do care. Sometimes too much.
@DWDavis (25797)
• United States
26 Mar 17
I think it is a great idea and I believe it will work.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
27 Mar 17
I'm going to keep doing it.
2 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
27 Mar 17
that is.... an amazing idea, and can prob translate to other activities.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
7 Apr 17
@TheHorse the more you can, the more chance it seeps into all things
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Apr 17
@Jessicalynnt ExCTLY. hE'S BEEN GONE FOR TWO WEEKS, BUT i'LL GET RIGHT BACK TO IT WHEN HE RETURNS. Sorry to shout. Must be time to trim the nails on my left hand.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
I think so as well. I'll try to make it a part of our "dialogue" even when we're not driving.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20363)
• Fairfield, Texas
27 Mar 17
That is an excellent idea @TheHorse . It will definitely teach him more concentration skills.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
I hope he learns to listen better. If he does with me, maybe it will generalize to other situations.
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (118793)
• Anniston, Alabama
27 Mar 17
Yes. That is an awesome idea.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Apr 17
So far so good.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (79352)
• Germany
27 Mar 17
I think it is working. You are a good child psychologist . Well done.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (238364)
• Walnut Creek, California
6 Apr 17
Thanks. I'm glad he enjoys the game.
1 person likes this