Domestic Violence & Attempted Assault in my home!

@jennybianca (12918)
Australia
December 20, 2007 2:59am CST
It is fairly likely that I wont be here for a few days at least. Maybe off & on, I am not sure. I am going to tell the truth & not hide it anymore. Late this afternoon my 14 year old step son attempted to assault me. We were in the car, I was driving of course. I had told off his 9 year old sister for being rude to me, & said I was going to tell her Father. My step son called me f...whatever, & raised his fist to punch me. I shouted out dont you dare touch me. To cut along story short, I refused to take them to my home, & said I was taking them back to their mother. My husband, who was at work at the time, advised me to go to the Police, as their mother will make counter allegetions. She did. But neither allegations are going anywhere. The kids went home with their Mother. My husband is frantic, as this was our contact with the kids for the next two days. He has hinted, more than once, that this is all my fault. I have been to a Marriage Guidance Counsellor about three weeks ago.My husband wouldn't come. There is domestic violence here. The counsellor implied that I needed to leave the marriage, as my husband has a terrible temper & has hit other objects(not me). I see it as my husband placing far more emphasis on his kids rather than me, let alone my daughter. His ex has maliciously turned her kids against me for many years, but over the past few months got much worse. Hubby knows this is what she is doing. As a result, I have developed very negative attitudes towards my step children, as their attitude to me is very bad at times. In any case, I have raved on long enough. My husband comes home from work about 11.00pm,but may be home earlier tonight. I am a little bit scared. I dont want an aggressive showdown with my daughter in the house, as he has done before.
17 people like this
23 responses
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
20 Dec 07
Oh that is indeed terribly bad! I hope your husband would do something to stop his kids from hurting you further. I wonder if you husband is tolerating this to you. If your counselor is advising you to leave why not follow that advice rather than living violently with your stepchildren and at least if your hubby could not protect you from them you go away from that unloving relationship as soon as possible.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
20 Dec 07
Mainl;y I have left him yet, because I still love him, & am hoping things will be resolved. Looks like it is getting worse though.
3 people like this
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
20 Dec 07
Well you have to let your husband do something to protect you. That is his duty as a hubby which he is not doing so. I do hope that you two could talk this things out without violence.
3 people like this
@webeishere (36377)
• United States
20 Dec 07
His children do this as that is what they saw GROWING UP more than likely. Its sad to say the least. Prayers to you Jenny. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
2 people like this
@KrauseHome (33379)
• United States
20 Dec 07
I will be Praying for you and this situation my friend. You know they are right when they say if things get too Bad it could be Best to leave. Wishing you the best, and Please keep us updated if you can.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
20 Dec 07
Thank you for your kind words.
2 people like this
• United States
20 Dec 07
Jenny I am so sorry to hear the latest update on these terrible step children, especially as you have contributed so much to your husband's various attempts to be part of their lives. I must confess that through following all the ups and downs your husband has shown very obviously that his concern for his children far exceeds the concern he shows for you. You have given him a 100% support throughout all his endeavors so the idea that you are the cause of the problems is pure rubbish. I am afraid that I have to agree with the counsellor that you and your daughter need to leave this environment at least long enough for him to realize just what a great wife you are. It is also very unfair for your daughter to live in a home with so much stress and unhappiness especially at this joyful Christmas time of the year
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
I have given my support morally, physically & financially in my husband having significant access to his children, even now. But I also think his concern is far more for his kids than myself, or our marriage. I finally mentioned that aspect yesterday & he disagrees. When he came last night he was quiet, & I made out I was asleep. At 4.00am he sent a text message to me, my brother & my aged ill parents, telling them that I am jealous of him spending time with his family & kids, & therefore he is cancelling Christmas. As we planned that 6 of my family were coming for Christmas tea, this is a blow. Enough said!
2 people like this
• Denver, Colorado
21 Dec 07
I think you have given yourself the answer. Think about the fact that he didn't find it necessary to talk to you about canceling Christmas. What kind of a marriage do you have when he makes the decisions in regards to Christmas without consulting you or talking to you about his feelings? Is it really a marriage? IF you are dealing with a violent man, anything you do can trigger his aggression. My prayers are with you, your daughter and even your husband. He is in denial of his problems and as long as he is, you can't keep the marriage together all by yourself. It takes two people to make it work. This is one of the worse times of year for domestic violence and I'd hate to know you were a victim. I've personally been in your shoes, and the marriage didn't last even after the violence ended because it wasn't about two people. To my ex-husband it has only been about one person.....him. Divorced he doesn't even see his adult children, and he told them they aren't even in his will. His new wife has a lot to learn about him.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
To Cotruelove: Thank you for your well thought advice. We had friends come aroiund this am, who went thiugh alomst identical situation years ago. She is a professional in mental health treatment & cpunselling. I was able tro whisper to her about the agession. She gave us, but especially my husband a very long talk, for 4 hours in fact. I think it helped. I only hope now that he sees a Doctor, as I am 100% sure he hasd situational depression.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
23 Feb 08
Hi jenny, I was reading the whole thing and several of the comments and would like to ask how things are going so far now? It's really easy for all of us to easily say you should leave the marriage. But I'm not for it as of the moment. I mean, marriage is a commitment. For better or worst. Well, of course there are certain degrees to it, like if he starts to really assault you. But I'm happy that you are really working on it. And I'm praying that he would too. I just hope your little girl isn't too stressed over things. What do you think can you do to win the hearts of those kids? I know it's a little too late for that, but somehow, maybe it's best if you showed them how motherly you could be thus proving their mom wrong. No one could be angry at someone with no reason at all, right? :)
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
25 Feb 08
Although there was some improvement off & on for a few weeks in Jan-Feb, the situation has not been good lately. There has been no actual physical violence, but he has lost his temper at times & said very negative things to me. This weekend in particular was not good. I spent both nights crying & also yesterday pm crying. This was die to things he was saying to me. My daughter is very upset over the whole thing.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
26 Feb 08
What has he done now that you've been crying? You know, it's pretty difficult to live with a man who can't respect and help you the way you do to him. Hang in there. But don't go overboard with a relationship that you think could not get any better. It always takes 2 to tango. You cannot fix this relationship alone. Prayers to you and your daughter.
1 person likes this
@academic2 (7011)
• Uganda
23 Feb 08
My feeling is that that counselor was rather too hasty in asking you to leave the marriage. My undersdtanding is that you have been in the marriage for sometime now, you need to have time one on one with you hubby to sort out this problem-the behavior of the kids is unacceptable and you should find a away of maneuvering around the problem-get another counselor if necessary, I feel this matter is not yet out of hands!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
25 Feb 08
I was surprised that the counselling recommended leaving my marriage so soon. But I can see his point, as my husband wouldn't even come to the counselling. The situation has not been too good of late either. Everything that goes wrong revolves around my step children.
1 person likes this
@tarachand (3895)
• India
10 Jan 08
Violence, display of temper are bad and to be avoided - if it's possible leave the place with your daughter for a few days. Maybe once you are not around, your husband will understand and realize that he needs you. All the best to you and your family! I hope that things work out well for all of you, that includes your hubby's ex and the step children. Life's Lovely! Love & Live Life! Live & Let Live!
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
11 Feb 08
It has settled down for now, mainly because my husbands friends spent a long time talking to him. There are still a few hassles.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Dec 07
I am so sorry to hear that things aren't good for you and your family. I am also glad that you are not keeping this a secret. It is a step in the right direction. Wish you were closer so you could have a place to go. Big Huggers to you.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
25 Dec 07
Thank you very much. Hubby is much calmer now, although still depressed. He wont accept that he needs medical help for depression ( & in my opinion, related to his aggression).
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (91105)
• Marion, Kansas
24 Dec 07
Jenny this is quite a concern, and I am glad that you are seeking professional help. Your husband may have to risk losing everything in order to see what really matters. If that does not bring him to his senses, then you and your daughter are better off with out him. I know that is sad, especially at Christmas time. Bianca needs to know that you do not let other people,be they men or women, children or adults, threaten you with violence. It is not acceptable.You are doing the right thing.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
24 Dec 07
We had friends come around two two mornings ago, & they spent 4 hours talking to my husband. They had been through almost identical situation with a step daughter. She is a professional mental health supervisor/counsellor. I think it helped a lot. He has calmed right down. We are not separating at this stage. Unfortunately he completely denies that needs medical help for depression, which in my mind is part of the anger management problem he has. He has big decisions to make re. contact with his son.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10543)
• United States
22 Dec 07
Goodness...I'm stunned an speechless. I can't say much on this since situations vary. So many variables to comb over though. Can't get a restraining order because that'll mean the son will no longer be with you and his father. You can go to the police to try and head off counter allegations, but in my experience the child and the biological mother are believed more (meaning, they may lie). Be careful. As for your husband you and him really need a talk but do it somewhere private, or better yet get someone to watch your daughter for a couple of hours. Other than that I've got nothing. It seems impossible to undo the poisoning-alienation that the ex is doing to the children. You can still try, show them you are not a bad person, but I bet that's already been done (and there's still no guarantee it'll work if you try/retry).
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
23 Dec 07
I went to the police & made a statement re. attempted assualt, which did head off counter allegations, it seems. We had friends over yesterday who spent 4 hours talking to my husband, & this helped. We are not giving up on the marriage yet. He has calmed down, but wont admit that he needs help for depression & aggression. He has big devisions to make re his son, as I dont want to see him anymore, or at least as little as possible.
1 person likes this
@faith210 (11233)
• Philippines
20 Dec 07
Hi jennybianca! I am really sorry to learn about your situation. I know this is very hard on you. I just hope things will get better. I really don't know what to say except to pray that you will find strength and wisdom. Take care of yourself my friend!
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
Thank you. I have a lot of strength, but don't know if I have the wisdom!
@webeishere (36377)
• United States
20 Dec 07
Domestic violence is never a good thing espwecially for the children involved. To me it sounds as though he & the ex were both a tad violent in their ways. he can't leave that life style either it seems. Most violent abusers continue their ways in their next relationships. I'd say be sure to have the phone handy just in case. Even if he throws something and doesn't touch you that is a form of domestic violence. Its construed as a form of a threat to others in the household. Sorry this is happening. Keep yourself and your daughter safe. It sounds like this relationship is sliding downhill quickly in my eyes. Sorry again. God bless & may he protect you and your daughter. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
I know their marriage was aggressive, & that his ex emoptional abused him. I am not awre of real physical violence. I 100% agree that his son is learning agessive ways from his Father, & I also know that my husbands father was very violent.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Dec 07
You, your husband and his ex need to all have a sit down together. His kids are now attacking you physically and it's not even your fault. Sounds to me that his ex is putting these thoughts into the kids heads. Which no offense I can see where she is coming from. I know how I would feel if my son was around another motherly figure. And the dad is just upset because the kids ended up having to go home. He probably only gets to see them on certain days right? So he was expecting to come home to get to see his kids and finds out there not gonna be there. No its not you fault your stepson attacked you But I can see why his father is upset and take it out on the wrong person. I do hope you not treating the children as step children. Hopefully you treat them as well as your own. Because if you are treating them all differently it would certainly result in a negative attitude towards you. Maybe next time Dad should pick the kids up though and you stay at home. They will be happy to have just Dad time and maybe won't come into your house with such a negative attitude towards you. If you don't want your marriage to end over this you's need to try and work things out with the kids. Because he's just not gonna stop seeing his kids even if they are attacking you
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
When ever my step children are present, I have always treated them the same as my daughter. However, their behaviour is much worse than my daughters, hence they get in trouble a lot more. Which they resent. They WANT to be referred to as my stepo children, & not their 2nd mother. Their mother has definitely put these thoughts in their head, & in fact, both kids now are modelling their behaviour. Unfortunately my husband is often at work, which is why I pick them up. I agrere that it is not likely that he will stop seing his kids. So he will probably have to leave our marriage. So he will end up with nothing, including his kids, because in the long run they will reject him too. Thanks for your input.
@Stephanie5 (2953)
• United States
20 Dec 07
Ohhh, this is not good. I've been through this and it didn't end nicely. I ended up leaving him because I couldn't take it anymore. I think that both your husband and his ex are behaving like a child by allowing this behavior from the children. The only thing that I can really suggest other than you leaving him is to leave the house while he has the children. Go hang out with a friend, or go shopping. Just try to stay away for the most part. I don't mean over-night or anything, but for most of their waking hours. Then when you do get home, don't even talk to anyone, go take a hot bath and stay in your room. Maybe, JUST MAYBE after a couple weeks of this, the children might see how much they have hurt you and come around. It might not happen...and then you are just going to have to decide what to do about your marriage. I know that this is so hard. My step-sons from a previous relationship were 10, 13, and 15 and they were HORRIBLE to me and my children. My children are younger and they used to beat the crap out of them. I had to leave thier father because it was THAT bad. We had other issues so it wasn't all the kids, but mostly it was. I wish you the best of luck. If you need to "chat"~feel free to message me. I'll help all I can. You shouldn't be scared of your husband. Sounds like he needs to grow up. Take care. ~Stephanie
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
I am not really keen on leaving the house when it is not convenient for me. Besides, usually I still need to pick them up. The kids wouldn't even care if I wasn't there, they would prefer it. Not my daughter though.
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
20 Dec 07
wow.....Well I really think you NEED to re-evaluate your marriage and what it is you want, deserve and are looking for in a union not just for yourself but for your daughter also...Living like that just (IMO) isnt acceptable especially when there is a child involved....I would seriously do some major thinking....
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
21 Dec 07
Yes, I have been thinking. But I want to get help first before I leave the marriage. I have already been to marriage counselling (hubby wouldn't come). I think there is a Family Relationship centre not far away & I am going to ring them.
@salam1 (1475)
• Malaysia
22 Dec 07
Be a good person, make friend with good people, and hopefully your situation will improve..
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
20 Dec 07
Am sosorry for you and your child. and I pray that you do something about it soon. He might hit other things but it is coming to the time he will start using you as the punching bag! Now I am wondering why ya married him? FOr ya both knew he had kids and seems like you knew how x wife is and was. And AS he married you , you should be the main form of his attention topay attention of what is happening to you not his kids am sorry if that is harsh . But if all he wants is his kids attention and love he should have got married and if this has gone on for years I feel sorry for you for putting up with it so long. Yup I agree with councelor get out now before anything bad happens to you or your child.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
We had friends come around this morning & speak to us, but particularly my husband, for about 4 hours. I think it helped.
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
22 Dec 07
I will pray that it did butthere might be time for more talking mostly to him but also to the kids!
• Philippines
21 Dec 07
That's awful! I do suggest too that you leave this marriage. If your husband does not give importance to you, this marriage isn't for you. I do believe it is better for you to start off again with another husband. This will not be good for your husband's children or for your daughter. I am especially concerned with the children because this situation will deeply affect their future.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
I don't believe I would find another husband, at my age (49) who does not have serious baggage, & who is attracted to me.
@nkhanna (926)
• India
21 Dec 07
well i really feel bad for you.i think you need to talk to yuor hubby cooly and calmly and make him understand what wrong he is doing and how is it going to affect the life of so many people.its he who can actually handle the sitution in a proper manner since he is the key person for all.and if things really dont work out ofr you then it think you really need to take a major step.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
When our friends spoke to my husband this am, for 4 hours, he was able to remain calm. They helped a lot.
@ctrymuziklvr (11063)
• United States
21 Dec 07
It took my daughter over 20 years to get out of an abusive relationship and I'm only happy that they weren't married and she didn't have to go through the legalities of a divorce. It was a nightmare for her and my grandkids and I'm just happy it's over. You need to take the advice of that Counsellor and leave...as hard as that is to do it has to be done before you or your daughter gets hurt physically. You know we are all here for you...not that it's much I know but I don't like to see anyone go through this especially when there are children involved....meaning your daughter. As for his kids....well...that's his problem to deal with and you have to worry about yourself and your daughter ONLY!! Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
We had friends who have ben though the same situation come around this am. They spent 4 hours talking to my husband. He needs medical help & has big decisions to make re. his son.
@Fishmomma (11617)
• United States
20 Dec 07
Take your daughter and get out now. You have taken one important step in realizing its not your fault. This is the one that many people have trouble accepting. People can help you have a better life with your daughter. Nobody should feel afraid in their own home.
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
22 Dec 07
I am feeling calmer now. I dont know if my husband has realiosed he has been abusive, but friends this am gave him a big long talk.