Extravagant Weddings On Public Assistance...

Getting Married... - Getting Married...
@twoey68 (13662)
United States
January 16, 2008 11:36am CST
How big of a wedding do you think is too big? Do you think more ppl should worry about making the marriage last or how big they can get the wedding? Here's the situation: I have a friend that I've been friends with for 10 years. She's always been the type of person that likes to showoff but you learn that it's just how she is. She's had 3 children and is expecting her 4th in June. She's planning to get married in April. So far, she's picked out a $600.00+ dress with a tiara, dresses and tiara's for her two daughters, 4 different cakes, a limo, a honeymoon with the kids to Disneyworld, special honeymoon lingerie from Fredricks of Hollywood for the honeymoon, a DJ, an open bar and their rings. She's planning to have a maid of honor, 5 bridesmaids, a best man and 5 groomsmen, 2 flower girls, ushers and junior ushers. This thing is going to cost a fortune plus they live in Michigan and are bringing her family from Missouri up to the wedding. Although I'm happy for her and I know she's having fun planning and doing all this but here's the part that's bugging me. Her and her soon to be Hubby live with his parents and get public assisstance...WIC, Food Stamps, Medicaid and Cash Assisstance. They also qualify for HUD. Now, I can't see how it is that they can get all the free help with everything and can still manage to have a wedding like this. Other than the wedding party paying for their own dresses and tux's, she and her soon to be hubby are paying for it all. They are always borrowing money for gas for him to go to work and she doesn't work yet they can afford all this. She wants me to be excited and thrilled with all her plans and she constantly calls to tell me the latest caterer's she's been to for sampling, or what type of cakes they have ordered or blah, blah, blah. But I can't help but be somewhat ticked off that here they are collecting aid and still spending like there's no tommorrow. I've suggested that maybe a smaller wedding and putting money down on a home of thier own or in a college account for the kids might be better but she doesn't want to hear it...she's determined to have this big shindig. She also wanted me to attend and I've told her, very nicely, I don't think so. I figure if I haven't traveled to Michigan to see my Dad I'm not going to make the trip just to see her get married. They've also had several times when she was going to take the kids and leave him over fights with him and/or his family...I've talked her into staying. I've tried to suggest that before they get married they might want to do a little marriage counceling to make sure things are starting off on a good foot...she won't hear of it. I want to be happy for her but I really have some problems with this. I've told her that I think she's insane and crazy but she just laughs and keeps going. Am I being too critical and judgemental or do you think I'm right to feel this way? **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
27 people like this
64 responses
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Heck NO!!!! You're very much on target! I even applaud you for being up front and honest with her!! The way I feel is this, a friend isn't a true friend unless they tell each other the truth of how they feel. I'd much rather have someone tell me the truth of their feelings than to lie to me just to please me. This girl is out of her mind if she thinks she can afford such and extravagant wedding. I'm wondering where the money she "thinks" is going to pay for all of it. She's in for a big rude awakening. If she won't listen to you then all you can do now is sit back and watch her fall and that, my friend, she will do and hard.
8 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I tend to be outspoken so she knows I can't keep my mouth shut. She's also a member of MyLot so I'm sure at some point she'll see this discussion but there isn't anything I haven't already told her. I don't know all of the details of her DFS case but I do know that her b/f makes good money working at a casino...I'm actually surprised that she qualifies for so much but still if he is making good enough money to pay for a wedding like this...why not get off the assistance? **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
6 people like this
• United States
16 Jan 08
Well there's one downfall for her, cause let's see she'll have to tell them she is now married, and where he works and how much he makes!!
7 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Well I hope so...I don't know what that will do to her benefits but they've been living together for almost 2 years and it hasn't changed them that I know of. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
5 people like this
• United States
16 Jan 08
Wow, that's pretty tacky. And, aside from all the money she's spending, I'm surprised being 7 months pregnant she'd want to have a wedding like that. Shouldn't she be saving that money to take care of her new baby? I know this is a friend of yours, but I think it's a little disgraceful that she's living on public assistance yet has the means to spend big bucks on a wedding. It sounds like someone is scamming the system and sorry, I have no tolerance for that. There are so many families truly in need, so I hate it when people pull something like this. Back when I had my first apartment 20 years ago, there was a HUD family living down the street. Those girls were the best dressed girls on the block...
8 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I guess that's what is bugging me so much is knowing that she is collecting assistance and still has the money to pay for something like this. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
5 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Do you see what our tax dollars are buying~ this woman a wedding! I think the thing that is wrong with this picture is how pulic assistance actually works! It is nice that she is having a big wedding and taking her kids on her honeymoon. But I totally agree that for someone on public assistance, she shouldn't be able to afford this. She sounds like a very self centered person and just think, she is teaching her children how to work the system too.
7 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I agree. I have an Aunt that has 4 daughters (all grown now) and her message to them growing up was they needed to have as many kids as possible so they could collect free money all their lives. One of the girls has 5 kids with an illegal from Mexico. She recently told me she was leaving him and taking the kids. When I asked her how she was going to support them all by herself she told me that all of them get a SSI check for various behavioral problems (I believe 3 of them have some type of ADHD). She gets an SSI check for each kid. At a basic $300.00 a month thats $1500.00 a month to sit at home. Hubby and I had to get foodstamps one time when he was disabled and neither of us could work...it was horrible. I couldn't wait to get off them. Although our apartments are for low income they are also for handicapped and disabled...we got in b/c Hubby is disabled. I just hate to see ppl screwing the system like that. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
4 people like this
@sunshine4 (8710)
• United States
17 Jan 08
The sad thing about the whole sysem is that you have people who do work and have a hard time making ends meet, but the state doesn't help them. They only help those who do nothing but work the system!
3 people like this
@jillmalitz (5132)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Good Grief! I have heard of "Bridzillas" who get sponsors and others to pay the costs of weddings. I personally dont think she is right to do this. If she lives the way she does she has no business spending all that money. How does she justify it? No way. If she is using public tax-payor funds for this that is fraud. An no you are not being too critical!!!
6 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
She doesn't really justify it...she just wants it and plans to have it. I know her b/f makes a good salary working at a casino in fact I'm surprised she qualifies for all this but she does and they are paying for the stuff for the wedding. I just think it's a huge waste and that the money could be alot better used getting them started out in life. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
4 people like this
• United States
16 Jan 08
I'm with you! What a waste of money.
4 people like this
@Stiletto (4597)
17 Jan 08
Well with your friends situation it's likely they don't actually have the money to pay for all that wedding stuff. They are probably getting it all on credit I imagine. Personally I think big, ostentatious weddings like that are a bit vulgar and basically tacky. Some of the best weddings I've attended have been low-key, small affairs. Some of the most boring have been the big, flashy ones! I think you're right to feel the way you do although I guess it's up to them what they do and how they spend their money, or more likely money they haven't got! If they want to land themselves in a whole load of debt then it's their problem.
5 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Well, no matter how they are paying for it I think if they can afford stuff like this then they don't really need the help from welfare. It just bugs me to see ppl doing stuff like this. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@uath13 (8227)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I don't think so. I'd have slaped her upside the head by now. If you have to have assistance you certainly don't need to be spending so outrageously. How does she expect to pay the bills when they come in, Is she planning to at all? Big weddings are for rich people who can afford to throw cash around. For the rest of us. Just go stand before the judge or pastor & save the money for the rest of the financial burdens your about to face.
4 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
As I understand it, he makes a good salary at the casino he works at but still if he's making this kind of money why not get off the assistance and let someone get it that needs it. My Sister had a big wedding but her fiance's family had tons of money and they paid for part of it themselves. I just think the money they are wasting could be better spent on something more sensible. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
@uath13 (8227)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I read a bit more from your other responses. She's probably able to work the system BECAUSE their not married. She doesn't actually claim his income which allows her to get the aid. I personally HATE welfare moms. Mostly because my ex wife is one. She's been getting goverment assistance ever since the divorse. She's actually been in college off & on for most of 17 yrs. 17 YEARS! All on the goverments dime. At some point your supposed to get out & actually get a JOB! She can't even claim it's to help take care of my daughter. She'll be starting college herself soon for petes sakes.
2 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
My friend actually did the whole college thing with all the loans and grants. At one time spending an entire student grant...$3000.00...in one night on crap at walmarts. She paid one months rent and then came and asked me for help the next day. She has never been able to manage money and at one time kept a check book in her glove box strictly for writing hot checks. LOL Your probably right about the whole b/c their not married. Though I'll be surprised if anything changes when she does get married. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jan 08
Wow sounds to me like your friend has learned to work the system well. I would think however that she has to have someone helping her pay for all of this. But Like you I think the money would be better spent on setting up that new life, rather then the flamboyant wedding.I mean after its all said and done, one really does not live on love alone. However my friend it is not your call to make. All we can ever do is offer up what good advice we have to share, and then leave it alone. I wish you good luck with this one.
4 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Actually, from what she's told me he makes a good salary at the casino where he works but still you'd think if he can afford a wedding like this then they wouldn't be collecting from the state. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
• United States
16 Jan 08
I would almost venture to say then, that if he is making that kind of money, she is not reporting his income and claiming herself and the children.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I have no idea but I'm surprised that her b/f works, his mom works and his dad works and they all live in the same house and she still gets all kinds of benefits. I just don't know how it can add up and still be on the level. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
@Debs_place (10551)
• United States
16 Jan 08
You are right, and she is doing way better on public assistance the I have ever done working. I would love to know how she is doing it! I didn't think public assistance was that good.
4 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I have no idea how she is doing it. I was always taught it was something you did when you had no other choice but some ppl were taught that it is a free ride. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@GardenGerty (90290)
• Marion, Kansas
16 Jan 08
One thing I learned when I worked with families like this is that they equate having the "things" or the big production party with being a "good person". Their perception is that they are a successful American family if they do these things. You and I know that that is not quite so. I would not travel for this either. It will more than likely not work out. A lot of the wedding is probably being done on credit or layaway. I would be ticked off as well.
4 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I don't know...I know he has a good job and gets good money so maybe they are using that or his taxes to pay for it. I just don't think if they can afford something like this they should be collecting welfare. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
16 Jan 08
Have you asked her who is paying for it? Maybe someone else in the family is paying for it. Anyway, my husband and I couldn't afford a big wedding. I bought my dress for 50 bucks and did all of the decorations and food myself. Our wedding was REALLY nice and it only cost around 500 bucks. We had about 150 people in attendance.
3 people like this
@ladyluna (7004)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Hello Girlgonefishing, Wow, you certainly have my respect! You fed 150 people for less than $500? That's impressive!
3 people like this
• United States
16 Jan 08
I was raised REALLY poor so, I learned how to cook with what I had. There are a lot of really cheap things that you can make for dinner that still taste really good. Everyone that had the dinner at the wedding was totally happy with it.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
According to her, she and her b/f are paying for it. From what she tells me he makes a good salary at a local casino he works for but still I'd think they'd want to put the money away or use it and get off assistance. But then she is always throwing money away on what I think is crazy junk like having her kids pics taken professionally every 3 months. I just can't see spending $150 or more to do pictures of the same kids every 3 months. Maybe like Easter and Christmas but every 3 months? It's a waste. Hubby and I had a very simple wedding and we'd been together for 7 years before getting married so it was mostly just a legal thing b/c we already lived together as a couple. She and her b/f have lived together for about 2 years now. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12918)
• Australia
17 Jan 08
I am inclined to agree with you. It's very annoying to see a family or single parent to get so much Government Aid, & yet still be able to afford an extragavent wedding. Are you sure the parents aren't paying for some it. If they all live with the soon to be hubbys family, then I guess they are saving a lot in rent, insurance payments, utility bills, etc. It is unreasonable to expect you to travel so far.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
As far as I know she has told me they are paying for everything except the outfits for the rest of the wedding party. It still comes to a pretty hefty penny. I've tried to talk to her but I doubt it'll do any good. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
17 Jan 08
I hate how people that really do not need much help recieve just about all the help possible, while people that really need the help because they can't afford the most basic necessities barely survive because they can't get assistance. That being said, I think you have a right to feel the way you do. I mean, it would bother me if I knew someone that was getting assistance but was going out of their way to plan a crazy huge wedding that just wasn't needed and obviously not in their budget. I'd refuse to attend myself, pretty much on principle.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I see ppl doing this type of thing all the time. I've tried to talk to her but I doubt she'll change anything. She'll just do whatever she wants in the end. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
17 Jan 08
I think it's down to the person, if they enjoy having a stadium which olds 80k then so be it. For myself, I only wanted a small wedding and I didn't want the fuss or stress that comes with the day. I just focused on enjoying myself and giving my wife the best day of her life and although now I wished we pushed it a little more, it was still special because it's about me and her. Not how many guests or where we went after. ~Joey
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I also think it's about making the day special and being with ppl you love. I mean if you can afford a big fairytale wedding great but if not...why waste the money. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
16 Jan 08
wow that is a very expensive wedding!!do you think she really can afford all those mentioned? maybe shes just trying to imagine it(dream it maybe) but in reality it will just be a simple one..maybe shes just making a joke..the way you describe her financial standing theres no way she can afford all those things..anyway i agree with you on a not so extravagant wedding that is if the budget is tight...the most important thing is how to make the marriage last..
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
No, she's actually doing it. I thought at first it was all a joke too but no, she's really doing it. I don't know how they are affording it unless they are using his tax return or something but I still think if they can afford a wedding like this then they shouldn't be on welfare. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
16 Jan 08
I don't think you are being too critical. I know someone like that too and it drives me crazy. I know they can't afford all the stuff they get and I guess maybe they put it on credit cards...i don't know. I think she should just have a smaller wedding and focus more on them as a couple and not on how big of a wedding she can have to show off. If they are having another baby then she should be saving up for things like diapers and stuff that the assistance doesn't help with. I'm glad that you are trying to talk some sense into her even though it probably won't help her.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Thats the same thing I said and I did have a long talk with her tonight and like you said I doubt it'll change anything...she'll still do what she wants...but at least I got it off my chest. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@crazed_moma (1054)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Wow she gets all that assistance and they don't make her work? When I was a young single mom you either had to work or be perusing some kind of work (ie interviewing) to get ANY assistance. I totally agree with you, she needs to spend her money more wisely (or is it credit) and quit focusing on the wedding and more on the marriage and how she's living.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
Because she's pregnant her Dr. won't let her work. I've tried to talk to her...I doubt it'll do any good but I tried. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15002)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I'm sorry, but I'd be tempted to report her for fraud. I cannot believe that all this is legal. This would not be a friend of mine even if we had been friends in the past. Cripers, I would block her phone calls, but that is not advice to your, of course, it is just the way I am.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I had a long talk tonight with her and she's probably not going to change anything but she knows just how I feel about it and as some ppl here know, I tend to be outspoken about things I believe in. She's probably not real happy with me right now :) **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jan 08
Holy Crap!! Im getting married in june myself and I live in Michigan, but we are having a small wedding and paying for it ourselves. We just built a brand new house and decided we just wanted something with close friends and family... Seriously how is she affording all of this? When I was a single Mom I couldnt get that much assistance so I worked my butt off and made a good life for my children. I have seen soo many people be turned down for assistance that really need it for only a short period of time and then I hear about people like this! no offense, but I dont blame you for being mad..Im mad now because that just goes to show where my and my soon to be hubby's tax dollars are going. Its nice to know we are working our tails off and someone else gets rewarded for it! And as far as marriage counseling here..They make you go to one session...Thats it..Unless you are a member of a church and the church requires it. And anymore than that they would be spending a lot of money...wait the people of Michigan would be spending a lot of money..Sorry Im really not a mean person, but this is one of my hugest peeves..Especially with the way Michigans economy is right now..even the hard working people are struggling!
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I had a long talk with her tonight and this was one of the things we talked about. How ppl that work their butts off can't afford lavish weddings and trips to Disneyworld so why should she, who gets welfare, get to have these things. Even if her b/f is working, then she should close her welfare and get off it. I doubt it got through but at least she knows right where I stand with it now. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@terri0824 (4975)
• United States
16 Jan 08
I have to say that I totally agree with you. If one can't afford living without assisstance, then one can't afford a wedding to this degree. I don't think you are being critical or judgemental in this case. It is the way most normal people would think of doing things.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Jan 08
I told her most ppl save up for their wedding, get married and then have kids...she thinks I'm old fashioned. Go figure. I've had a long talk with her about it all but she'll still do just what she wants. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5490)
• United States
16 Jan 08
Guess they can afford the big wedding because, hmmmm what else do they pay for??? Food stamps, cash assistance, living with someone else, so no rent. It's a bit much to be having a full wedding like this with 3 kids and one on the way, I'm thinking she passed that mark a long time ago. As for going, I agree with you totally, and I would be telling her out right why I'm not, think I'd have to ask did they inhereit some money all of sudden?! Talk about abuse of the system, why does she need food stamps etc if she can afford this wedding? Dang, a trip to Disneyworld, maybe we should all try food stamps, on second thought, no thanks, I work, if I want a trip I'll pay for it, and not while everyone else is supporting me with taxes.
3 people like this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Jan 08
You've hit my point exactly. I just can't see why she's collecting all this and yet they can afford to have a huge wedding and take trips. I also think that with 4 kids the days of a huge wedding should be in the past. I told her once that they used to have a custom of getting married then having kids and she told me I was SO old-fashioned!! This is the kind of stuff that makes me nuts. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
2 people like this