Getting Off The Critical List...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
May 15, 2008 6:46am CST
Sometimes life in general can step in between a couple and take away the closeness and intimacy that a couple share. The couple can become so used to the lack of intimacy that they don’t even realize how much they miss it.
When Hubby and I first met we lived up where he worked. It was a year before he could get transferred to where we wanted to live by my family. That year was great…it was hard to be away from my family but we had a lot of time to just be with each other, it was a very close time for us. After we moved back by my family we had the daycare running…that meant that kids were being picked up and dropped off at all hours…which kind of kept me running around a lot and not a lot of time for him and I. We also became foster parents which put even more distance between us b/c we were handling the kids, I was running all the time and there was very little time for us. Although the kids have all been gone for quite awhile we kind of got out of the habit of spending time together other than sitting at our desks. I’d go to bed around 10pm and he’d come to bed around 3am. I’d get up at 5am and he’d get up at noon. We’d lost our closeness.
Lately though, we’ve taken it back. We’ve started putting a lot of effort into working our way back to each other. We go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time and spend time just cuddling and talking. I didn’t realize how much I missed it and neither did he.
Has life ever gotten between you and your spouse? Have you managed to rebuild that intimacy or has the relationship died? Have you ever gotten so wrapped up in things that you didn’t even realize that things between you and your spouse were on the critical list? How did you fix it?
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
6 people like this
19 responses
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
17 May 08
Oh yes i think this happens to all of us at one time or another.I have even posted discussions about the lack of closeness or when i wanted to rant,but thats just life i think...Sometimes married couples get caught up into other things and we get so far apart,we feel we might even be headed toward divorce or separation,which i do not really believe in, but you know what i mean...Then out of nowhere we get close again and all that bad goes away,and we get to going places together and sharing and that closeness returns to us...I think sometimes this is what the Bible is speaking of when it talks about the "cares of this Life" we get caught up and loose focus, thats all..I am glad you are back on track twoey...I am sure we have all been there a few times,i know i have,but we are doing better too,and it feels good doesn't it?
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
16 May 08
Yes Twoey, it happens in the best of marriages. the thing is you do not notice it at first. I happens slowly, you find your self in schedules, time constraints and it is not until there are real problems that you realize you have let this happen. Won't be the first time, and probably not the last time. It takes real work to keep a marriage and relationship on track. It takes evaluation from time to time even at the personal level. Above all we can not forget why we fell in love to begin with.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
18 May 08
I don't think we really realized what a train wreck it was until we really started opening up and talking about it. I tend to keep things inside and bury them and Hubby is one to pull things out and look at them logically. He finally got me to start talking about what was bothering me and things are definately on an upward swing.
**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@MGjhaud (23251)
• Philippines
16 May 08
I'm not married yet so I'm going to relate my parents. Before, my parents worked in different area. My father was a politician and so he sometimes like live in the office to entertain people. My mother has a job that keeps her in her room in our house most of the time too, she has lots of paper work. We only get to be together during meal time and tv time at night. Wehn both of them retired from their work and spend the whole time managing our farms, they get closer. The intimacy was there as always. My father compliments my mother's irritable side sometimes and the patients was there. The maturity was there and that's why when there's small argument, it easily be solved. I'm happy I have the kind of parents. They're old now and in love.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
16 May 08
Sometimes it does. Television and computer take up a lot of our time. Mother also lives with us. We love her and very grateful she is here. Sometimes though I would like to get out some with just my hubby and me. Its kind of hard to do cause I don't like to leave Mom alone.
1 person likes this
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
15 May 08
It is tough to work around family and work so that you can have some alone time. People always remember how when they first got together they could not keep their hands off each other. But any expert will tell you that relationships grow and change over the years. Keep working on it. Go out together, stay home with each other. Remember what it is you like about each other. Communicate and smile at each other. Sometimes you don't even have to speak outloud but just being together is enough.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
15 May 08
I had always thought children would bring you closer
together but I go so wrapped up in careing for our
first born that my husband began to complain that
I never had time for him. So we started a practive we
kept up for a long time. every week we had a date
night when we would get a babysitter and go out for a
nice dinner or a pizza, what ever struck our fancy
at that time. we talked and connected and usually
made love once we were home. the whole point was parent
time for us. When the kids were older we took them
with us and it was family night but we connected
again and it was just great. something to look forward to.
1 person likes this
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
29 May 08
It is easy to lose site of a relationship when tehy are a billion other things going on aroun us that all need our attention. That is why it is always good to pick atleast one day a week to bond and say hey I know you...It is easy to lose touch wih your emotions sometimes if they are supressed for awhile and running a day care can make you do that. I am just glad that you are reconnecting and rebuilding your relationship. Although I would rather sleep in a few minutes longer then my hubby he is always a bear in the morning until atleast 10 cups of coffee of his 20 morning cups.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
15 May 08
Enriching narratives like these always make me so sentimental…we have been married for 11yrs now and no, till now our life has been such that we have been able to make enough time for each other. Even if nothing else, we just love lying together and chatting into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes, its almost 2am before we realize that we need to catch up with some sleep too. Otherwise my hubby will just follow me into the kitchen and start about how his day was. I do find it irritating sometimes, but after reading your experience, I think its worth all the irritation.
BUT I don’t think life’s gonna be so rosy anymore. He has just taken up a dream job which would require more time from him. He would be out of home max to max by 9am and in again not before 10pm at least. He’s taken up a managerial position so that means outstation tours too. So, its natural that we wont be spending too much time together any more since I have my own office and child and the home too. Now, I never did give this much thought, but after going thru your post, I do think that when the time comes, I’ll make an extra effort to just reach out and connect.
1 person likes this
@GnosticGoddess (5626)
• United States
15 May 08
That is so wonderful that you two are building up your relationship again :)
I'm glad that you guys are not of the many who give up and just get divorced -- not saying it was getting close to that.
I often wonder if we have kids what will happen to my relationship with my hubby because we are so use to having that time together. Work the same hours, sleep the same hours, and are nearly always by one another's sides. I hope that we too work hard to keep a close relationship :)
1 person likes this
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
16 May 08
Great disucssion topic t68 You know I didn't realize how I miss my man until I got a job back in the traditional work force (I work from home) a few months back-It was like dang I miss getting to hang out w/ my man whenever I want & do things together w/o being bound to a schedule.I quit @ lunch break LOL
+'s
:)
@Destiny007 (5805)
• United States
15 May 08
Letting things get in the way of your relationship is always a mistake as it causes a rift which need not be there and creates unnecessary distractions and problems.
This had occurred in my relationship and when I finally recognized what was happening i took steps to correct it.
The biggest one was deciding to shut the computer down before midnight and spend the time I was wasting with my wife.
I also insisted that no outside influences would be allowed to interfere with our relationship and nothing would be allowed to distract us.
Although there was no question of love, and there was no reason or possibility for a divorce... the intimacy we once shared was barely perceptible.
That is no longer the case, nor will it ever be again.
When two become one to share the rest of their lives together, it should be done fully and without reservation or interference.
Taking the necessary steps to cure the lack of intimacy was an easy decision to make, and cavegirl is much happier than before.
1 person likes this
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
15 May 08
I've had 3 marriages that flat-lined, lol, the last hung on (with my 'cpr' for 16 years) however, each one ended for different reasons. And now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, 3 years now, and I think every couple goes through times like that. However, we both work in careers that can be dangerous at times, he's in law enforcement and I'm wildland firefighter, so we enjoy our time together. It doesn't really matter whether we are enjoying the outdoors and just sitting outside talking in the evening, cuddled up on the couch watching tv, or just goin out for a day ride on the harley, we're together and that's what matters. We know that our jobs come with a certain amount of risk, that's just part of the job, but I also think that us meeting and being together at this point in our lives we know what our priorities are, but we also know that from time to time things will get hectic, long hours, long days, stress, and just life in general, it's to be expected. So although there are nights I go to bed before he does, or he's in bed when I finally make it home from work, it's ok. There's weekends that he's on his computer playing games and I'm either on my laptop or scrapbooking, but at the end of the day, we're together.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
15 May 08
Yes you are right and I often worry when the kids are grown and do not need our attention so much, whether we will actually make it as a couple. I wonder if we will have become so distanced that we just drift our seperate ways.
Life does get in the way, and so do children but it is so hard to be how you want to be when there are so many other things to be done and to do. I look forward to the time when it becomes just us again, the closeness hopefully will still be there and I think that we will get to know each other all over again, that will be fun!! I am pretty sure that we will be OK.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
15 May 08
It's funny, hubby and I are going through almost the same thing here. When we were first together we had my 4 year old son, and we worked together, so we were basically spending all day with each other. We got along so well back then and seemed to have no problems in our relationship at all.
Then I became pregnant with my twins, I had to quit working, he got a different job, then started working 2 jobs. He was eventually promoted and dropped back down to 1 job, but has been working 50-60 hours a week.
Most of the time I am so stressed from the kids that I'm in no mood to talk when he gets home from work. All he can talk about is his job, and I view that as the cause of my stress so I don't wanna hear it. For years, all we've done is fight, and it's about the most idiotic things. Basically we are just taking our stress out on each other. Obviously this has done nothing but drive us further apart.
It wasn't until recently that something inside me clued in to what was going on, and we began to talk about it. Things suddenly became so much better between us. We still have our set backs, we had one last week because I had a severe lack of sleep and was too crabby. But we continue to try to get things back on track.
1 person likes this
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
23 May 08
The marriage is so important! More important than anything else! Second only to our relationship with our Creator.. You were wise in the things you've decided to do!
@lovespecialangel (3632)
• United States
28 May 08
There have been times that the hubby and I haven't been able to cuddle and talk like we use to, but it doesn't put our marriage on the critical list, and never has. We love each other and we both know that. We also know that with having a family comes responsibility and we sometimes have to put us on the back burner for our kids. When they are grown and moved out it will be us time and we will take full advantage of it.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
17 May 08
we had to be on the road moving around alot for his job but we always had the togethre time even if he came home real late we always went to bed at the same time and I always got up early with him and make his lunch and eerything and we always kissed goodby and hello.
even after we had the kids we were a closr family for we were all we had and I told them ever time we moved it just as if we had started a new life for each place we lived was different from the last.
So we stayed close for our 42 1/2 years that we had.
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
19 May 08
That is great to hear--- I think so many people get into the rut of life and forget about their spouses. I know we go through that every so often. It's usually me running here or there- or making plans and not being home. I usually notice it when he tells me I'm grumpy-- I tend to be this a lot too--- Just tired really- that is when I stop and make time for "us".... i love our quiet time together-- and our closeness. he does too! whether it be hugging and cuddling or watching tv together sitting with each other--- it's just nice!
