" honest = hurt or insult or pretend = to please"

United States
October 1, 2008 8:35am CST
[i]I have this realization last night after hubby told me that he brought me some jewelry at ebay..He showed the picture to me (since we will received it on Friday). In the past, I always love his pick but this one is just out of my style..It's quite huge! ANyway, right there and then, I said, I didn't like it and it's not nice..Ouucch! I mean I was just honest to what I thought about it and he knows me anyway. He told me that he is sure I will like it when I will see it in real..After that, I was thinking that maybe I insulted him deep inside but I cannot also pretend since that was my first impression.. Anyway,have you experienced any situation where you have to choose between the two contradicting responses? Happy to hear your story![/i]
8 people like this
25 responses
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
1 Oct 08
Hi Che, I have to say that when it comes to gifts given out of love, I most of the time take it in appreciation without showing my dislike of the gift. If someone asks me if I like something before they buy it, I tend to be honest so as not to mislead them into thinking that I like it. I believe that you have to do what feels right for you. Of course you are not going to wear it if it is hideous. It seems that your husband would have consulted with you first. When you commit yourself on ebay, there is no turning back. Maybe your honesty could be said a little more discreetly. Maybe better chosen words would help. But whatever you do, don't change who you are. I'm sure your husband realizes he should have consulted with you first. He can always sell it on ebay!! leenie
2 people like this
• United States
1 Oct 08
[i]Hi leenie, Wow...that was very kind and sweet of you! Anyway, I didn't know at first that he paid it already and when he showed it to me, I thought he just want me to see it...and I was so fast also in my comment and when I saw the page, I saw his name as the winner of those who bid..ANyway, I am sure it will give him a lesson and you are correct, I don't need to change the way I am, maybe just learned to be sensitive a little..hahhaha Thanks for sharing![/i]
@yosista (302)
• Canada
1 Oct 08
Yes, THere is an older FAmily Member , Who always buys me things for my birthday and stuff like that , 90% of the time being something she would wear and she is in her 70s, so without trying to hurt her feeling I tell her i LOve it and try to wear it around her once, when Really I HATE it, but rather then hurting her feelings i lie
2 people like this
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
Oh! He might be hurt that you didn't really like the one he picked for you. But you're just being honest, you never really intend to hurt him. I guess he'll come to understand that, though he would have liked it better if you're a little uhmmm... indirect about your answer. Anyway, I've experienced this too. My friend and I were shopping for clothes and she was really awed with this yellow dress that I think would look bad on her. I don't wanna hurt her feelings but I don't want other people to ridicule her as well, we're friends, honesty is important between us. So I told her the dress is fine but it seems to be too bright and too wild for her, I'm not sure it would compliment her fully. She was "insulted" and she told me so and I told her she asked my opinion, I gave her and I love her so I only gave an honest opinion. She appreciated me on my honesty but well, she still wanted the dress. Ahhh! We women!
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]Hi Wild, hahahahahaha! I agree, have experienced that with friends too and once we are real to our friends, we always tell the the truth whether they like it or not...LOL! ANyway, I realized really about the way I reacted but, can't redo or edit it..LOL! It was done! [/i]
• Philippines
2 Oct 08
Hi checapricorn, I'm wild alright! Hahaha! Yes, honesty is a must for friendships to flourish. My friends liked my honesty but I also make sure I find the right words to say to them, we just can't let honesty hurt them everyday! Yup, you can't undo it, just make it up to him by being extra sweet to him, LOL!
@carinio98 (2935)
• Philippines
1 Oct 08
well may recent story hhhhhhmmmmmmmm i am the one whos been insulted but anyway it is not a big deal for me. and it is always love and regret that i experience when i choose between the 2 option... like what your tell us here... hey can i know did you receive the notice here at mylot? if you dont know the rumor... it is a person trying to steal anybodies account and everything he/she needs from us eventually somebody cought it and post an alert for all users here luckily my friend mysdianait post an alert so that all of her friend be notified of whats going on here. we should be aware of any link that somebody gave us right now...
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 08
[i]Hi carinio, thanks for that news but I have no idea about it! I will try to search for that post..and hopefully, you can send me the link through PM! That is scar[/i]y!
1 person likes this
@Bebs08 (10690)
• United States
1 Oct 08
hahaha this is tough!!!when you don't want to hurt somebody's ego specially if your hubby. Well, It happened to me many times when hubby ask my opinion about the things he bought. If I really don't like it, I will just smile and don't say anything and that is understood that I really don't like it. But when it suits my taste I have a big WOW!!! I like that.Well, there are times that he forced me to say something when I keep quiet, then I will tell him that I don't like it. But I would say it in a way that wouldn't hurt his pride. You know, men wants to be appreciated specially the things that they plan to give us. But it is not also good to pretend because the truth will always come out. But if said in a nice way they would understand. Enjoy your new jewelries..
• United States
1 Oct 08
[i]Hi Bebs, wow..I like that word! Hmm..I am learning from you today! LOL! ANyway, I know they really love to see our big Smile and hear our appreciation! ANyway, I guess I didn't say it in a nice way but it was not also in a worst way! hahahha.. Thanks for dropping and let's start the october goal! Hahahahha![/i]
1 person likes this
@Bebs08 (10690)
• United States
1 Oct 08
Hi Che, Oh yes, our hubby would like to hear our appreciation. And that's my weakness because sometimes I won't express my appreciation though I am proud of what he did. There was one time that he was so upset, hahahaha.. and he told me that he just want to be appreciated and I did not say anything. sometimes, he would just ask me, How's my music? did it sound good? ahahha then that's the time I would say my appreciation. Oh!! well that is the habit that I should cultivate because I read somewhere that men wants appreciation and it would boost their attitude toward women when they are appreciated. I understand when you said, you did not say it bad or good... just in between.. hahaha yap!! October goal. Mine is just to reach pay out and I'm done. Have a nice day. Maybe you got high pay out this month because it shows in your posts.
• Philippines
12 Oct 08
i don't really experience that situation all the time. i'm not hard to please. i appreciate what people give me. but during those times that i'm asked for my reaction about something, i honestly tell what i feel because i think it's important for people to know the truth.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 08
[i]Hi marshie, wow..that is a very good attitude! you are correct, we have really to be honest about how and what we think about it but I learn how to say it in a subtle way! Thanks for sharing![/i]
@SukiSmiles (1998)
• United States
7 Oct 08
My husband knows my tastes pretty well, with the exception of clothes. So, he knows to stay away from buying me any. I remember he was with an older friend of ours who wanted to buy the family clothing. I was not with them and he came back with three shirts, two of which I would (and have not ever worn) and one that was just too small (he didn't know the difference between juniors and misses sizes). I gave the small one to my daughter and she uses it as pjs. He looked so apprehensive that I said I liked them. I'm sure he noticed I have never worn them. It's also hard with older relatives. I hate to hurt their feelings, but sometimes their gifts are just not us. So, pretend = please in these instances.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Oct 08
[i]Hi Suki, hahaha...I have tried that also with my Sister, she got me a blouse and I didn't like it, good thing it was small and I she said, she will just take it back and use it! great excuse! LOL! Anyway, I learn now how to be subtle and be flexible! LOL! Thanks for sharing![/i]
@se7enthbird (8328)
• Philippines
6 Oct 08
woman are hard to please. that is of course from a guys point of view. my wife is so simple that it is hard to please her for if i buy something that is over her taste i know she will not like it. she will appreciate the thought but i know she will not love it that much. it is not easy to buy women gifts and women complains that men are hard to please as well. oh well maybe thats the fun of it. har har har
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Oct 08
I agree with you, I find it hard also to buy any gifts for my husband! LOL! Challenging and very exciting as well!
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
3 Oct 08
I think being honest is the best way to go. He is your hubby and I don't think you not liking a piece of jewlery is going to hurt him deeply. Besides...he knows you and he'll be more hurt & insulted if you pretend to like it when you don't...i'm sure he'll see thru the act. Even if you do somehow convince him that you love it when you hate it, you'll be stuck with an ugly piece of jewlery that you feel obligated to wear just to please your husband. I'm sure it's no big deal. He can re-sell it back on e-bay or give it to someone for xmas.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Oct 08
[i]Hi sid, I agree with you...If I choose to pretend, I am sure, he can sense and he will be reading through my actions! ANyway, I feel better after learning and observing that he was just fine after my direct comment about it! You are correct, we can use it as a present to anyone during this coming Holiday![/i]
@hellcowboy (7383)
• United States
3 Oct 08
I think everyone comes into situations when it comes to their partner or their family where they have to choose between being honest and risking hurting someones feelings or pretending to like whatever it is,and feeling the guilt inside that you lied to someone you love,and I know I have been in a situation before where I had to choose either being honest or lying,and I think I always have chosen to be honest and my friends,fiance,and family has always respected that.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Oct 08
[i]Hi hellcowboy, There is nothing as peaceful mind and heart once we are honest and we really express what we feel... In my case, I know I can say it better, subtle way but I was quite straight! ANyway, at least, he understand me too![/i]
@izathewzia (5142)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
Telling the truth really hurts sometimes. But for me, it is better than to pretend and suffer deep inside. I don't want to hide my feelings. I always wanted to free it. It is then that we will find peace.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Oct 08
[i]Hi iza, you are very correct and I don't regret it also although, I have som realization next time to be more careful and sensitive in my approach but still to let my hubby and everyone knows what I am thinking really deep inside! [/i]
@ladym33 (11008)
• United States
3 Oct 08
My husband has gotten me a couple of gifts over the years that were not really to my choosing, but I know he really put thought in to the gift and either really thought that they were really cool, or that I would really like it, and I know he put thought in to it, so I have never told him I did not like something that he bought for me as a gift. I remember my mom doing that to my dad every Christmas, when I was growing up. He would get her something and you could see before she opened the gift how excited my dad was about getting it for him, then she would open it and complain, things like, "You know I don't like heavy earings." Or "I don't really like that color." or that is too big and gaudy for me." I then watch my fathers face as the wind went out of his sails, it was heartbreaking to me to see my fathers happiness fade so quickly. I could never do that to my husband. I have started to a couple of times, but then I realize what I am doing and reign myself back in. I always try to think about the thought that goes in to a gift rather than the actual gift.
• United States
3 Oct 08
[i]Hi ladym, ohhh...I sounds like your Mom here..LOL! I know that after I realize my action, I somehow hurt my hubby and I can tell it in his face but he knows me also..Anyway, I learned from this and will try to be more subtle next time! Thanks for the wonderful message![/i]
@quinnkl (1668)
• United States
2 Oct 08
We all have people who do this, get things that we just don't like. I always try to just be grateful and thankful for these types of gifts. But from a husband, I would have, kindly, said gee that looks a little larger than what I usually like. I am sure he will understand if you don't like it when you see it either. Just make sure he knows how grateful you are for him for thinking of you and wanting to get a gift for you. That is all that really counts.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]HI quinnkl, Yea, I got your point...LOL! We have to be honest with our partner and I am sure my hubby knows me already, anyway, at least it wasn't very harsh! LOL! Thanks for sharing![/i]
@winterose (39918)
• Canada
2 Oct 08
well these things happen no two people are exactly alike, and if you cannot be honest with your spouse than who can you be honest with, right? Just let him know you love him and love most of his choices but this one was not your style because you don't like clunky jewelry.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]Hi winterose, ohhh..that is a wonderful words! You are correct about it, if each of us will always pretend then it will not be good in the relationship![/i]
@lingli_78 (12845)
• Australia
2 Oct 08
well, i myself love honesty and i always try as best as i can to be honest to everybody including my hubby... so if he gives me a gift that i don't like, i will tell him honestly that i don't like it... if he is hurt because of my comment, then so be it... i can't help it... that is just me... i prefer to be honest rather than being a hypocrite... at least now he knows what i like and don't like... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]Hi lingli, I agree with you, I guess we have to take the risk because it is very necessary in a relationship to be transparent and true and if we will just pretend, this will be a lifetime because our husband might always get us something that he thought we love and like! Thanks for sharing! [/i]
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Oct 08
checapricorn sometimes its hard to know just what to say. I had a friend who brought me a really really' ugly dress. It was new, never worn, and I could really understand why too. It was just plain eye blindingly ugly. No other words could describe thething. I did have one out,it was too small. thank God for that so I said, honey its the wrong size take it to your friend Elizabeth as hse is really petite. she may really like that.Later Elizabeth came by and said, how could you, that thing is godawful ugly. you dum dum." I said what did you do with the thing, she said she gave it to her kids to play dress up with. I had to laugh and then 'she laughed too.We just hoped our other friend never caught the kids playind dress up with the ugly thing.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Oct 08
[i]Hi Hatley, hahahaha! That was a great excuse for you then! You make me laugh..hahaha..ANyway, I will not also wear a dress which I find ugly, I will be uncomfortable on it..Hopefully, your friends will never see the kids playing on it..LOL! Or else, have to think of a valid reasons for him! LOL! Thanks for dropping Hatley![/i]
@stephcjh (32328)
• United States
1 Oct 08
I would have to be honest too. I go through this with my husband all of the time. He just does not ever understand what my likes and dislikes are, even though I have told him time and time again.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 08
[i]Hi steph, hahahha..that is also my thought..I told him and he knows what I love about jewelry but maybe for men, this is one thing that will never register in their mind! LOL! Thanks for sharing![/i]
@arthi_88 (1518)
• India
1 Oct 08
Yeah there are times my mom picks up impossible dresses for me and gifts with them so much love and expectations that i have to fight the urge to scream at her!!I can accept a bad dress but can't see the look of disappointment on her face!Its heart tearing and so give her a cute smile and a hug and say thanks.My dad knows that I can't wear them as they are damn too traditional and keeps smiling and challenging me that one day i will lose my patience...So guess you are not alone and your husband loves you and knows you so guess he will be hurt but understand you at last...
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Oct 08
[i]Hi arthi, wow..thanks for a very comforting words..Honestly, I feel bad when I realize about it but I also need to be honest because he knows me anyway.. Anyway, I know they just love and care for us! thanks for sharing![/i]
@aseretdd (13709)
• Philippines
6 Oct 08
Well, if you two know each other very well... then the hurt from the insult will not last long... and i think your husband is right... your opinion regarding the jewelry might change once you see it in front of you... this always happen to me and my husband... and would always result to a fight... good thing he is working abroad right now...
• United States
5 Oct 08
I'm generally a speak my mind type of a person. If I don't like something I will say it. But I try to do so as to not hurt a person's feelings. Sometimes that can't be helped. As we are completely broke and doing things differently, I don't have to worry about my hubby surprising me with any gifts.
1 person likes this