in-laws problem
By anna_82
@anna_82 (115)
Philippines
December 11, 2008 7:39pm CST
my mother in law and my 2 sister in laws is leaving with us before, leave here for free they do nothing but sleep and eat they don't even help us paying the bills even for the food budget because they don't have a job. at first i just ignore it because i said to my self one day they will think that they have to help us too even for cleaning the house, cleaning clothes, cooking and everything that should be done and if they do it,it helps a lot. but the days gone by and it took a year they still here and do nothing they wake up late looking for food.If there is no coffee and creamier they complain. so i talk to my husband and told him everything inside my heart. He said he don't know what to do also, he don't know how to talk to his mother about it because his afraid his mother might hurt. so i try to understand it again. my mother in law help me in house work like cleaning and cooking but what i make angry is she consented my 2 sister in laws they do nothing they wake up late, then they just sit and do nothing the whole day. They see me tired doing everything.even asking for help to them they cant do the simple things like buying to the store something that we need for cooking, they reason they ashamed to go out.and if i asked them to clean the bath room or tell them that they should wake up early and help us in house chores my mother get mad at me she said why i have to say it to her daughters. i said her daughters are big now they are 21 and 18 they should now at least how to clean the house. she said they can't leave here so long because we are not compatible to each other. so they go away they go to her sister in law. after a months she call us tell us that if they can come back here because her sister in law get angry to her daughters because they are really lazy. so my husband talk to me again, and i said ok i will give them another chance but they should not be stressing me. and they promised. but do you believed they still like before nothing's change!
sorry for the long story, but if you were in my situation what will you do?please help.thanks in advance.... happy holidays!
2 people like this
13 responses
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
12 Dec 08
I can relate to your situation. From my own experience, my husband never wanted to say anything to his family because they were his family. I had to be the one to speak up, and then, I was the bad guy. It took a lot of complaining on my part to get him to stand up to them, but it has helped out a lot. We set down rules for his family. In order to stay with us, they had to seek employment, help around the house, and respect the house rules. If they didn't want to do that, they couldn't stay here. In addition, once they became employed, they had to help out with the bills. Once again, if they didn't want to,they had to find somewhere else to stay.
I think that you and your husband needto have a long talk. Tell him that something has to change and you, as a couple cannot continue to support his family as if they were kids. They are adults and should act as adults. They need to help out around the house, get jobs,a nd help pay bills. hey should also respect what you say and the rules you set down. If they were living in a place of their own, they would have to work to pay bills, cook their meals, clean the house, and do everything else. Why should it be any different in your home?
1 person likes this
@anna_82 (115)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
hi lynnemg, actually i don't know how many times i tell that to them i always tell them that someday they will have their own family and i am sure they don't like this situation.and i always tell them that if you are not in your own house you should know to act towards to participate to the owner even if its your brother,mother or relatives.but still didn't work.:)
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
14 Dec 08
Unfortunately, they believe that nothing will be done if they chooses not to help out. No consequences other than upsetting you, to them, no big deal. As far as they are concerned, they have a free ride right now and they don't beleive that will change.
@ladynetz (968)
• Canada
12 Dec 08
That's not a nice situation you're in...
It seems from what you're saying, that your mother in law is helping you in the house, so maybe the situation is not really, really bad.
Does she have a pension, or another form of income?
What about the daughters?
Is the government able to give them a plave to stay?
Maybe they should apply for a low income housing and move all 3 of them there.
You can continue supporting them with food, and maybe a small amount of money, but the healthiest thing is for them to move out.
Check out all the posibilities out there.
Maybe you can find a small apartement that requires low rent cost.
Good luck!
@anna_82 (115)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
no she don't have pension. i told her already that she can talk to her eldest daughter to find a job but she said she can't forced her daughter to do that if she don't like to.actually we are planning to find a room for rent for them but we can't afford the rentals since they don't like to work so we still the one who will provide everything they need so it still the same. im just waiting for the day that im really full and have a strong feeling to tell them to leave whether they like it or not.
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
12 Dec 08
Well maybe they are now humbled by their experience with their sister and daughter. Well since you have accepted them I guess its time that you have to assert yourself now that they have promised that they will help you in house works at least. For the mother in law I guess since she is the one that controls over her daughter you have to tell you MIL to tell her daughters to start disciplining her daughters because it is for their best interest that they are being taught to do something in the house. Soon they would have to become house maker like you are.
As for your husband I guess it is his responsibility to also assert his being the man in the house. He should not be relying on you to manage especially your relationship with your in-laws because that is supposed to be also a responsibility that your husband should be handling. Everybody should have a role in the house to make the house really well.
@anna_82 (115)
• Philippines
13 Dec 08
well actually i always tell her about that disciplining but she said she don't want to be mad and talk about it again and again.i am trying to talk politely 2 sister in law also but as usual nothings change.. i don't know what i am going to do now.even my husband already talk to them.but still they're acting like a princesses in this house..:)anyway, thanks for the response
@general1star (149)
• United States
12 Dec 08
I am so sorry for you as you are in a very difficult situation. This situation is only going to get worse. You are now so frustrated that you are seeking our help and advice. I can only tell you what I would do and hope it helps. I would set boundries and rules. It is your house and that is your privilege. I would discuss with your husband a target date to sit your in-laws down to express your feelings. You and your husband need to stick to that date because if you don't you will set more dates and it will become easier to let them pass without expressing your feelings. There is no way around hurting feelings in this situation. But you can minimize hurt feelings with statements like "I love you so I need to share how I am feeling with you" or "you may not have realized it but....." or "this makes me feel..." Don't go into it with a laundry list of "make wrongs" like "you did..." "you made me..." or name calling. And again reinforce your feelings with "and I love you" If you don't do this soon (I would wait until after the holidays if you can hang in there) you will be dealing with much more than just hurt feelings. At some point you will not be able to hide your feelings any longer and you will boil over. That will create anger and blaming rather than hurt feelings that people tend to get over easier.
I hope this helps
Happy Holidays
General1star
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
12 Dec 08
It sounds like you are not the only one who is having a problem with those lazy girls. If I were in your situation I would talk to them again and remind them that their behavior is not only unacceptable to you but it was not acceptable to their aunt (?) as well. I'm not sure why they're ashamed to go out but, if there's any way that you can help them to be more comfortable with that, you should try. They need to help you around the house so tell them that they are not little babies anymore and, if they're not willing to help, they can leave. Good luck! 
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
12 Dec 08
You should really put your foot down. Try going on a grocery shopping and cooking strike. When they realize that you are serious about wanting their help in return for free rent and food, maybe then they will start to help around the house. Your mother in laws sister evidently made it clear to them, that is why they left. It is not fair for you to put up with this laziness.
I can imagine that your husband does not want to hurt his mother, but what about you? He needs to have a serious talk with them, and let them know that their lack in helping around the house is unacceptable.
It is your house, you make the rules, tell them and stick to it.
I wish you a lot of luck.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
12 Dec 08
I don’t think they will change. Girls as big as 21 and 18 (for that matter even boys) should actually be helping out at home and it should have come from your MIL herself without you having to ever say so. You can only hope and pray that the girls get married off fast.
@jeremaecortez (2)
• Philippines
12 Dec 08
That's too bad. I know it's not easy to be in your place and I really appreciate your patience and courage to go on living with your inlaws even if they give you headaches. I just can imagine how you keep your hurt feelings inside you but I hope you can still give them another chance to correct their mistakes. I hope this time, they will change their negative attitudes. I know how it feels to have someone living with you who is so lazy that even with simple errands they can't do. Your husband is so lucky to have a wife like you...Keep it up!
@maia0129 (91)
• Philippines
12 Dec 08
Your husband and your inlaws are so lucky to have a wife and sister inlaw in you. I really appreciate your patience for you have stand the negative attitudes of your inlaws especially your sister in laws.
Now that you have given them another chance to live with you again, I hope that they will change their negative attitude and that they won't give you another set of headaches.
I think that if they will not change, you will have all the right to tell them that they have caused you more problems aside from the problems that you are already into in running your family. But girl, if you can still lengthen your patience for them, then do so, afterall they are your husband's family but I will also understand if things won't work out well for all of you. Merry Christmas kabayan...
@SpikeTheLobster (6403)
•
12 Dec 08
That's just wrong. They're lazy, they get upset and move out - then want to move back in because someone else won't put up with them? No. And you're worried about hurting them - are they worried about breaking their promise to you? Time to wake them up to reality. I'd be tempted to:
1. Make it clear that this is YOUR house (your husband and you). If they want to stay, they live by your rules. You're not their parents. It's not your job to look after them.
2. Refuse to feed them, wash their clothes or anything. They have legs and hands, they can damned well do it themselves.
3. Give them a month to either pay something towards their upkeep or to start helping out properly around the house. If they don't, they get moved out. No options, no 'just another week'. A deadline.
I know it's harsh, but I had this situation with a guy who lost his apartment before. I put him up or a couple of weeks and every time it came to paying or moving on, he got all hurt and sad and blah blah blah. It's called using people, and it's wrong. In the end, I gave him the ultimatum and, when the day came (it was a Christmas Eve of all things), threw him out.
He wasn't happy, but he'd had his chance and I'd been very clear and very fair - he's an adult, he didn't do anything, and it's not my responsibility for the results.
@JAGANPADIR (29)
• India
12 Dec 08
This is a typial case with Mother in Proned culture. We have two options 1. To live with problem, accepting that it happens with every home, luckily your husband and mother in law cares for your work. Wait and they will go their husbands house after marriage.
2. This needs courage as well as intelligence, and patience. First step is to make your reputation in UR house very strong. Your word pronounced will have that value. It comes when you help others on their critical situation, take it's credit by any means say praising are putting extra sweet in the regular food, the existence of credit is a must. With pass of times when its UR turn, you are in need and they have to help you. Synchronie with UR family for such issues. Then deal with the Sister in laws. If they ask for hot water for bath, put it at diiferent location than regular. And put cold water in place hot water. So when they have a bath time, they will ask U where is the water. It's the time that you reverse, silently and looking into eyes constantly tell where is the hot water. This is one example. In such cases you will prove always that you are right always but they are trying to harrass. It's a human tendancy that one gets ashamed little (but doesn't revel the shame. Take its advantage to prove yourselves. It may have some cushion to some of your oppose slowly.
@ksflores (9)
• Australia
12 Dec 08
i do not like my in-laws...it is simply because they do nothing but to ask money to my hubby..and besides my hubby's salary is not like mine...it's just OK for my son's milk and other needs. i pitty my hubby for that.. but i do love him. also, my ILs have contributed NOTHING as in NOTHING to us.. and i really HATE them for that... not to mention for the past 3 years I helped my hubby to get a job.. then they will say that my hubby is under....yeah right..
