Am I a Bad Wife? Not Really, BUT............
By Sparks
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
Regina, Saskatchewan
January 31, 2009 8:44pm CST
Earlier tonight I was trading emails with a good friend and we were talking about husbands. It got me thinking.........
My hubs came home tonight after being away since December 22/08. And I've missed him. We had a lovely couple of hours before fatigue sent him off to bed...
My friend had made the comment to me that her husband was a good man. Oddly, those few little words hit me like a ton of bricks. And I started to think very hard about the good qualities of my own husband.
I know that for quite some time I've been making jokes about waiting for widowhood, and posting discussions about the 'lesser' qualities of my husband....
I want to balance the picture of him. I owe him that.
Yes, he can be controlling; yes he can be a real dufus; yes he can be narrow minded and dictatorial; yes, we've come close to divorce a couple of times in our short almost four year marriage, and many other 'negative' things.
BUT!
He can also be funny, charming, loving and generous. He's the first person to dig into his pocket if someone is in need or just needs a smile in their day. He has accepted my best friend heart and soul, and trust me, that wasn't easy! (I love you Annie, and you know what I mean!). He had a harder time accepting my sons, (because he's not good with kids) but he never stinted on the expense of educating them or saving their lives when illness hit hard. He worked overtime at a hard demanding job to make ends meet and make sure all necessities and some luxuries were there for them. He did more for them, and would do so again than their own father has ever done.
He may not fully understand the heart of a woman of independent thought but he is willing to learn, and though they are slow, the changes DO come.
He is discreet, loyal and I know that to the best of his ability he loves me.
And I'll bet you, that if a list was made of my faults against his, my list would be longer. And yet he loves me and is learning to accept all of me, trust my judgment and to value me.
I cannot ask for more than that............
Thank you my moon dancing friend for giving me a reason to look forward to Valentine's Day. It's going to be corker this year!
If you were to make a list of your faults and your partner's, whose would be longer?
21 people like this
46 responses
@thebohemianheart (8827)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Awww, Sparks, you almost made me cry.
It would depend on which one of us you ask, but I would say that mine would far outnumber his. He is generous to a fault, and for 31 years he has allowed, and helped me to grow as a person. Any trouble we may have had was because he wanted to make sure I was happy, even when I didn't know how to be. How can you find fault with someone like that?
6 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
You can't, and you know, that's what my friend made me realize tonight about my own husband...............
6 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
Yep. I count on my friends for just that. I tell all of them........be honest with me. Smack me upside the head when I need it, I won't get bent out of shape over it.
Friends are our most valuable asset next to family........
5 people like this
@thebohemianheart (8827)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Yeah, friends are good for reminding us of those things, sometimes, aren't they?
5 people like this
@psspurgeon1 (1109)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Oh my, my husband has the patience of Jude. I for sure have a much much longer list of faults than him. He has some doozies to but I for sure am soooo hard to live with and deal with on a daily basis. He is very kind, patient, gently, and loving. He is a good father, a wonderful best friend to me, and he is just an overall good person. He has helped me grow in ways that I didn't even think I wanted to. I love him with all of my heart and consider myself a very lucky woman to have met and married him and to have been blessed with two wonderful little girls from him. Thank you spark for giving me reason to remember the good qualities. I try to often but never often enough.
6 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
Well you're welcome. And with a hubs like yours, I'll bet that list of yours gets shorter by the day!
5 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
1 Feb 09
That's a good question, and I'm not sure of the answer! I love my guy, but I think that he's still holding out on me--he's afraid to let me see the real him. He gets cranky without a lot of sleep (found that out from his son yesterday while helping me move)--I was upset for several hours at HIM because he chose to not tell me that simple fact! I was ready to dump him! I know I jump to conclusions too easily, I know I hold grudges, I know I'm selfish and somewhat spoiled, and I get terribly jealous, but I also have learned to love without any monetary motivation and unconditionally. I'm not motivated by looks anymore--I look for what's inside his heart. I'm still dealing with getting teased, but he doesn't leave me wondering as long. But he won't let his guard down with me easily, and that's why I don't know whose list of faults is greater!
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 Feb 09
Sounds to me like both of you have been burned before, and once bitten, twice shy...
One day at a time and don't sweat the small stuff and laugh until you cry. That's my advice. Kept me out of jail many a time! LOL
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
Ah, that puts a different spin on things. Perhaps your bf is afraid of getting too close to you and losing you too? And if YOU have a nasty ex, (sounds like mine!), then I can certainly understand where you are coming from. But, do try to keep the lines of communication open scorpio. Men are slow, but good men get there in the end. Look at my current hubs!LOL
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I honestly think his list would be longer than mine, but he would probably say the same thing about me. I know I nit pick about his faults because they just tick me off, but your right, it's not often I do compliment him on his good qualities too. My husband is a very loving husband and cares very deeply for my son and I. He would do anything for our happiness.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
And that makes him a keeper despite the annoying things about him.
3 people like this
@snowy22315 (171190)
• United States
1 Feb 09
That's a good question. I think both of our lists would be pretty long but I think mine would probably be longer. My husband is essentially a good soul but he could use alot of improvement. I could possibly stand more improvemtnet than he could. This is an interesting discussion though one that you dont usually see on my lot.
5 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
She's just waiting for widowhood too so she can her hands on your shoe collection! ROFL She sounds a lovely woman fwidman. You are indeed a lucky guy. But hey, if she should ever change her mind.............I'll take you on. I LOVE shoes. ROFL
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
Got her trained do ya, does she,...................LOL
3 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
1 Feb 09
Now that I have stopped blubbering....that has got to be one of the nicest discussions I have read. So what if it made me feel desperately alone, unlovable and sad?
So basically, I shouldn't be responding to this because I don't have a partner. 
...hey ...I feel a hand on each cheek
...someone's got a bit of cheek ...WooHoo.@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
You're my partner Tickle. I have the roses in my garden to prove it! LOL Thanks for the kind words.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
Ummmmmmmmmmmmm Plunk? Watch your hand ok, because you are about to connect with my hubby's hand! ROFL
3 people like this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
1 Feb 09
It is good you can see and list your hubby's attributes. You can be proud of your hubby. I know you have had your rough times but you have always worked your way through them. I am proud of you, Sparks.
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
Thank you Mom. What's really lovely is that I'm really rather proud of HIM. It's a new feeling, and I rather like it!
3 people like this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
3 Feb 09
It is not an easy task to draw a list of our faults, however it may be easier to draw a list of negative traits of our respective partners. Your hubby appears quite an outstanding person, who accomdodates you, despite your long list of faults (in your own words)...........LOl! Actually, we all are sum total of good and bad, plus and minus and positive and negative. However, as is the human tendency, we look for minuts points in other and brag about our positive traits to others. So is the case in marriage, we always think that we are right and our partner is wrong, we need to take a balanced look at his/her behaviour and all the traits and the moment, we start realising it, life would be come more beautiful for all of us.
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
3 Feb 09
It is good that you introspected youself and your hubby and you are finding him the best man in the world. Congrats to you! May you live a very very happy and cheerful life.............always keeping in your mind that his plus points are more than his negative points.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
Yes. I've truly come to appreciate his better attributes now and I will certainly concentrate on those from now on. And he's soooooooo cute with his new haircut he got today! LOL
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
To able at last to look at my husband and really see that his good qualities outnumber his bad, is an eyeopener. To know that he loves me despite my own long list of faults, is a small miracle. I'm a very lucky lady to have found love and commitment so late in my life.....
3 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Sparks...only you can judge your hubby and weigh the odds as you are the only one that lives with him. I have been in your spot too many times and I know how it feels to "balance the odd's". There is good and bad in us all. Only you can decide the balance that you can live with. I don't talk to others about my relationships because too many opinions just, in my opinion are not good. I just don't think it is good to draw others into your relationship. I am so so very closed mouthed to this stuff that when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter..who was a surprise...that unbeknown to me, people were trying to guess who the dad was. This was not due to me sleeping around or anything but because I never even told anyone that I was dating at all. I'd been single for a very long time and when I got involved, i felt no need to shout it to the world. Likewise , when it all fell apart, no one knew that either. If I knew about this place back then, I may have vented here...would have been helpful but what I'm trying to say is that in our circle of friends and community...it isn't a good idea to share. When it comes to listing faults....honestly....i'd blame him for everything wrong in our relationship. His list would be the only list.
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 Feb 09
Well I can't blame my hubs for everything. I am Irish after all! ROFL
You know, you mentioned that if the lot had been around for you when certain things happened, you might have come here to vent, whereas usually you are closed mouthed. That's exactly what the lot has done for me. I vent here, (maybe too much and I'm going to be more circumspect in the future), but in my 'off line' life, I NEVER say a word in public against my husband, and certainly never allow anyone else to either. Our relationship outside of our home (computer excluded) is our business and it's my job to make sure that my husband retains his respect and dignity. I've never fallen down on that. Even when he makes a public display of himself, I some how manage to turn it into a funny anecdote and the people involved remain respectful. It's only since I discovered the net that I've become less discreet, but honestly the man really is funny! LOL
2 people like this
@flowerhorn (1008)
• Malaysia
1 Feb 09
Nobody is perfect. As long as both of you tolerate and compromise of each other mistakes, life as a marriage life will be a bed of roses. Why are you asking you are a bad wife? What has you done wrong? If you think that you are a bad wife for the occasional anger and harsh words that you throw at your husband, then I must comment that you are just being a normal human being. We all have our ups and downs.
In fact, I think you are quite a good wife as I can read in your thread that you really know how to appreciate your hubby's strong points and able to control your emotions when your hubby's actings are not so favorable. You also think that your hubby is trying his best to adapt to the family condition and I think with the trait of loyal, he is a good hubby. People who really love each other will accept the good points as well as the bad points of each other and no comparison can be made. It does not matter whether the list of bad things is long or not. Those are not important when it comes to love. However, if you have some gulit feeling, try to redcue your bad points.
In my case, I don't think any list can be made as such a list is just up to one's perceptions and opinions. i might think my partner's list will be longer while my partner will think that its list is longer. It is just insignificant and bear no weight towards our relationship. What is important is we must keep on communicate in a "friendly" manner to improve our relationship and have a joyous family life.
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 Feb 09
Great observations and very good advice flowerhorn. Thank you for giving me much to think about.
2 people like this
@phoenix25 (1541)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I think true love is being able to love someone regardless of their faults. If I made a list of me and my husband's faults, I think we'd be about even. He has terribly smelly feet and forgets to change his socks and doesn't shower as much as I think he should, but he also works 6 days a week and singlehandedly supports me and my son. I am kind of lazy and let the housework go to hell, but I also keep the household running and take care of everything else around here except making the money. We both don't really have personality traits that conflict. We get along really well and have been getting along great for the last 8 years, so I wouldn't have anything other than that.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 Feb 09
Everyone has annoying habits of one kind or another. But if your personalities mesh as well as you and your man's seem to do, then I'd say you're way ahead of most people! Good for you.
2 people like this
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
1 Feb 09
Hi sparky,
We all say things about our husbands from time to time, but really if we think about what they do for us in so many little ways that we forget, we have to be thankful for. Love and hus.
Tamara
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
You're absolutely right Tamara, and I need to remember all his loving little ways more often. And I will. That's a promise and I always keep my promises....
3 people like this
@wonttakelong (3555)
• United States
1 Feb 09
I am soooo guilty
I talk alot of trash about my husband and I shouldnt
he never has anything bad to say about me to anyone
I know because I have talked to his friends hehe
he is a great man
he is a devoted husband and a dedicated father
he works hard for 16 hours a day and has to come home to loud kids and a stressed out wife
plus he handles all the finances so that i dont have to worry about the bills or how we are going to pay them
my faults greatly out number his I am sure
i should really cut him some slack, huh?
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 Feb 09
The ying and the yang as they say.
1 person likes this
@raphael_volts (1131)
• India
3 Feb 09
It felt kind of lovely, hearing good things about a husband from a wife. There's a lot of love between you, keep it burning and keep on going.
I myself used to be in a relationship, till spring last year, but then we broke off. Its sad though but I still love, but she doesn't see it yet. I am trying to make myself strong enough to fulfill all our dreams so that she may notice, how much I love her. Except she leaving me, I have come to accept all the other aspects of her personality and feel like her list of faults would last much sooner than my own. It kills me to see her with somebody else but am not gonna loose all the hope, and won't stop unless I fulfill all my promises.
You are lucky to have your lover by your side this coming valentines. I hope your love keeps increasing more and more, day by day.
Take Care
God Bless YOU
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
Thank you raphael. And I sincerely hope that you too get your heart's desire one day. Good luck and stay positive.
2 people like this
@rsa101 (37969)
• Philippines
3 Feb 09
Well I guess we will not really get what we wanted out from our husbands and wives in that case. I still believe that there's none perfect out there that you can really have. Each person has its own weaknesses and strengths in character so I guess we all just to live with that and try to emulate what is good in him or her and avoid those quirks in his/her personality. Eventually, we will come to a conclusion that despite of that we still love our partners in the end.
3 people like this
@rsa101 (37969)
• Philippines
3 Feb 09
Glad to know that from you. I am pretty sure that it will somehow return back when you go from looking at the good side of him than the bad and ugly. For sure that is what everybody need in life to be appreciated from who we are and not focus on the bad and the ugly.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
Exactly rsa. No one is perfect, and to love someone is to love ALL of them, the good, the bad and the ugly and to make a point of bringing out the good in them instead of focusing on the bad and ugly. That's what I intend to do from now on.
3 people like this
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Spark, I couldn't begin to put down the good qualities of a man I've been privileged to live with for almost 45 years. When I look at other guys his age, even ones he finished school with, I find his qualities so much better than most of his. We go out to eat breakfast and find only a couple men who bring their wives. Most want to 'get away' from their wives. They think that it's their right. I would feel better if they'd bring their wives! I could have no better friend than my husband, no one more loyal to me than he has been over the years. We don't always see eye to eye, but we can always come to a good compromise. He goes over and beyond the necessity to do whatever he thinks would please me. We are so much alike we usually approve or disapprove of the same people - sometimes saying the exact things about them. He vacuums my floors without me asking simply because he knows it bothers me. I find him washing dishes without being asked. Today, we've had our oldest grandson and his friend (2 twenty year olds) here hunting all day. I cooked lunch and dinner for them. So my husband said, 'go sit down. I'll wash dishes because you did all the cooking'. It's those little things that make him such a keeper! Oh, I know he loves me, no doubt in my mind. But when you wake up with a pain in the night and your husband goes and gets you two more pillows so you can rest in bed sitting up, you know that man loves you. That happened last night. All the good and bad qualities in each of us make us what we are - the reason we are still together. The good things so over weigh the bad that the bad are only for the fleeting moment, then we forget. Now, the only thing I don't let him forget is the time he threw away my heavy ironing board when I was gone simply because I then had a sewing room with an ironing table, so he thought I had no need for an ironing board laying around!! Now that could have been grounds for a divorce. 
Just water under the bridge!
Now that could have been grounds for a divorce. Just water under the bridge! 3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
I know in my heart despite all our problems, past, present and future that we are going to go into that gentle good night together........It just saddens me that we didn't get a chance to begin our journey 20 years ago. There is sooooooo much to learn about him, and I'm so afraid we won't have the time together, especially if he keeps driving himself as hard as he does now....
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
Reading about your relationship makes me realize how much I regret not having the opportunity (or time) to have the kind a marriage that truly joins my heart and soul to another person over years of living and learning and loving together. In a totally non negative way I envy you. Blessings on you both Barb.
3 people like this
@Barb42 (4214)
• United States
1 Feb 09
There is still time, Sparks! Just build on what you have today. I was lucky in that I got my husband and someone else didn't. He happened to be taught the same values that I grew up with - forgive, kiss and make up before the sun goes down - never go to bed mad at one another - those sort of things, and the thought that we'd live together for the rest of our lives.
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Hey sparky! Wow! That was really a nice bunch of stuff that
you said! Your hubby sounds really sweet! I just got a whole
different picture of the man! I think you just about balance
each other out which is no more or less what any really
wonderful relationship could ask for! If I had to make a list
of who's faults were longer between me and my s/o, of course
mine might be just a tad longer! Not that he is a prince by
no means, believe me he can really be a pain and cheap beyond
cheap and lies a bit which is a trait I can not deal with and
he knows it! But, he is kind and does look after me in other
ways and is more giving in some ways then I am. I think we
kind of balance each other out to an extent. But, we have alot
of issues because we are not married and will never be ever.
So it isn't that kind of relationship. There will always be
too many things in the way. I don't know what will happen in
the future. We are trying to work things out and we can only
see! Wish us luck will ya!
3 people like this
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Opal, I have a little different take on this than my hero Sparky. From what I read in your answer to this discussion. I think you want to be in a forever committed relationship. You want that piece of paper, and long for a relationship where you can have your cake and eat it too. You deserve that if it's what you want. Never settle for less than your biggest dream. You say he lies and you can't deal with that, you know he lies, so you will never be able to trust what he says, do you wan to live like that, I think not. You deserve someone who you can put your whole life in their hands and trust them to catch you if you fall. This is coming from someone who has settled, in the past, never again, I am worth more than that, I wish someone had been that good of a friend to tell me what I'm telling you, but all my friends waited until after my relationship fell on it's face, then said, "I knew he was not good o or for you. To me a friend puts your well being ahead of anything, even if they think it may harm the friendship, cause in the end friendship is about having someones back, not paying false lip service because you think that is what your BFF wants to hear. Do what you know is best for you hon. Not based on empty promises. Blessings Marilyn
4 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 Feb 09
I do wish you all the luck in the world Opal. You are such a sweetheart and deserve the very best. And you know, in the end marriage is just a piece of paper. It's the emotional commitment that really counts and the dedication to each other's happiness. NO piece of paper can give you that. A sense of security maybe, but the reality of making a relationship work comes from INSIDE the people involved.....
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
1 Feb 09
Hey Marilyn~ Thank you so much for your input! Some of what
you say is right some of it is not. My boyfriend and I do talk
about everything both good and bad. His lies are stupid stuff.
We have alot of things to work on, but we definitely talk
about all of it. We are not fooling each other about the
problems we have which is good. If we can't work them out we
will separate and that will be it, he knows if it goes that
way I will not want anything to do with him and he doesn't want
that so he will keep trying to make it work. We will see what
happens, but I am no fool! Been there, done that, won't do it
again! Thanks so much for your friendship! I have sent you a
friend request. I would like to get to know you better too!
3 people like this
@red_amethyst (3518)
• Philippines
3 Feb 09
Marriage and love is not finding about faults of your partner. I’m not married long so I don’t have the right to have lessons about marriage. Although we are but Human and we tend to notice every single fault of our partners. Well, I’m I’m going to have a list maybe we will just have an even numbers. He have his faults and I have mine. I learn to be more patient. And I am trying to teach him to have patience.
He got a bad temper. That’s what I really hate about him. Even he have that temper, I love him just the same for loving me so much for who I am.
He got a bad temper. That’s what I really hate about him. Even he have that temper, I love him just the same for loving me so much for who I am.@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 Feb 09
We all have faults. It's finding the balance between the faults and the virtues that make a marriage work....
2 people like this
