What should I do about their father?
By drknlvly6781
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
United States
April 21, 2009 8:23am CST
I'm really torn in this situation; at an impasse as it were. My children's father is trying to get back into their lives. That isn't a problem; I grew up without a father in my life due to his choices, so I want my children to know their father. The problem is their father is being a straight a$$.
To begin, he hasn't truly been in their lives since he left to marry another woman. At first that was my fault. I was so hurt that he just up and left me that I didn't want him to see his kids. But that only lasted a few months. After that I came to my senses and tried to get him involved, but after the first visit went wrong (couldn't pick the kids back up when we planned, ride came up missing), he blamed me for all the trouble. This was back in 2006.
Fast forward to now. He hasn't been in their lives at all. I didn't have a phone number to call him, he moved from where I was aware of to God knows where. Out of the blue, he messages me on yahoo, saying that I was keeping the kids from him. Once we got that settled, or so I thought, he began flirting with me. I was so far over him at this point that I outright told him it wasn't happening. Then everything began to fall apart.
He wanted to get the kids every other weekend. I was fine with that, but I asked him for the house phone number just in case something happened. He told me about where he was living, but wouldn't give me the phone number. He said he didn't want me to play on his phone. Really though??? After all he took me through I wish I didnt' have to have contact with him at all.
Just yesterday he moved to another place, and he still wants me to give him the kids on those alternate weekends. He will not give me the address, and I told him until he does, he can't get the kids.
So many fathers cannot see their kids for silly reasons on behalf of the mother. All I want is to know where he will be taking our children. I feel its so stupid that he is letting an address and seven digits keep him from the children that he supposedly misses so much.
Now the kids are missing him. I want them to see him on a regular basis, but I won't put them in a jeopardizing position to do it. It hurts me to do it like this, but I'm always going to make sure I know where my kids are.
Am I the one that's crazy? I just want to make sure I know where my kids are. He says that he doesn't want me playing games. I don't see what games I could play, or even why I would want to play them. He is the one that has flirted with me, even though he is married. Am I right to keep the kids from him until he gives me that contact information, or am I overreacting?
7 people like this
21 responses
@momoftwo (94)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Oh girl..... you are so NOT wrong. You are their mother and have been for them the entire time. There would be something wrong if you didn't want to know where your children are.
I don't want to say anything negative about their father, but... if he was truly wanting to spend time with them and wanted to grow his relationship with them. He would also be putting their safety first and would have no problem letting you know the address and phone number. Maybe he is moving so much, because he has some bad things going on and the children don't need to be around it. I think is is unnatural for a father to keep his location from the childs mother. If he has a problem with it, let me go to judge and tell the judge he doesn't want to you to know where he will be with your kids. The judge would just laugh at him. He has lost his mind.
Stand your ground.
3 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
I was thinking the same thing. He has moved four times since he left me; I feel that he is trying to beat the rent man for some reason or another. Everyone says the same thing about the situation, that he really doesn't want to see his kids if he doesn't want to give up that pertinent information.
The good thing is, I am downtown right now. On my school break, I am going over to the courthouse to see what can be done about getting a formal visitation order. I am standing my ground, but I am hurting because something so simple is keeping my kids from seeing their father.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Yes, I know that Myrr, but it doesn't hurt any less. Because of his antics, I have to look at my kids missing their father every day. I have to see this pain in their eyes, and struggle to answer the questions they ask without putting him in a bad light.
He's an a$$hole granted, but I'm not a mother who badmouths the absent father. I would rather them find out for themselves the man he truly is.
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
21 Apr 09
Until there is a court order (I assume there was not a formal court order from the descriptions you gave, I could be wrong though) then the parent who has the kids in their presence is the custodial child and can do what they feel is right for the children (this is the case in most areas). This is a double edged sword, it means you can keep the kids from him and he has no legal recourse except to take you to court, in which case his address will HAVE to be given to you in order for a court order to be filled. However this means if you do let him have the kids without a court order he can also legally keep them from you, although this would look very bad for him if it ever went to court, playing games with children's emotions are frowned upon by every family court I have ever heard of. Right now (again assuming no court order) you have all the power, use it wisely and justly.
If there is no court order, get one done ASAP. In most areas you don't need a lawyer to do this, you simply have to fill out forms and appear before a judge. In most cases the status quo is granted, so you have an advantage. Being a woman, who has had custody during the past several years you have a serious advantage here, he has nothing. Though he will almost certainly be granted every other weekend, he will have to keep you informed of where he is and give you a contact number.
If you have a court order, then you have to abide by the terms of the court order, whatever they may be. Get legal advice on how to abide by this and still keep your children's best interests at heart.
3 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
No, there is no court visitation order. He has threatened me with getting one, until I told him exactly what you just said; that he would have to give an address and phone number to do so.
I don't want to have to get a court order, but it looks like that is the only way that the kids will get to see their father. I'm not trying to keep the kids from him. Since I grew up without my father BY HIS CHOICE I wouldn't want my kids to go throughthe same thing. However, I'm not going to just let him take my kids to God knows where.
He keeps bringing up that his other children's mother doesn't take him through all of this. I feel sorry for those kids, because I care enough to know where mine are. I called her a retard for doing it, but I was wrong for using that word. She is a little slow in the head though, and that choice really shows it.
I wish that he would just give me the address so I can put all this behind me, and the kids could see their father. But it does look like I will have to get a court order.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Right, she has probably been to the other house before this last move. But I am not letting the insinuation that the other mother is letting him see the kids without an address affect my choice. He will not see his kids until I have contact information.
2 people like this
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
21 Apr 09
Go with your instinct on this..He wants you to trust him with the children,yet won't even give you a contact address or number(Even though He's moved several times in the past few Years),and you can only contact him through yahoo? Sounds like He's the one playing Games,being Married and still flirting with You..Does He Pay Maintenance for His Kids?
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Exactly. I said that myself. I have a phone number to a prepaid cell phone, that's it. He doesn't keep minutes on it all the time, so I told him that's not good enough.
He does pay child support for them, and that is only because I filed a court order. (Forgot to mention in the body of the discussion) Before I filed, I tried to make a personal agreement between just us, as an adult. We verbally created the agreement over the phone, then I typed it up just as we discussed. Problem was, when I presented him with the rough draft for him to sign, he didn't want to do it anymore. I wasn't about to play his game, so I went to the court.
1 person likes this
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
21 Apr 09
Sounds like He likes to Play,but He wants to keep all the cards for himself!
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
24 Apr 09
Hey hon... long time no see.
You are NOT overreacting to this situation at all. There is NO WAY you should let your kids go with their father when you don't know where they'll be or how to contact them.
The fact that the kids haven't seen their biological father in such a long time, also dictates that they need a more gradual re-introduction to him. Throwing them into his "care" every other weekend all of a sudden is NOT going to go over well.
I understand the draw on your part. The thought of having every other weekend kid free is highly exciting! I'd love that opportunity as well!! 
And because of that desire, you might find you doing like I did with my boys' father, and not thinking clearly. So kudos to you for bringing it here for some validation! 
And because of that desire, you might find you doing like I did with my boys' father, and not thinking clearly. So kudos to you for bringing it here for some validation! 1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
5 May 09
Hey gurlie, did you save me some 4/20 brownies? lol.
I've since had a chance to talk to him, and he's given me the address. However, after reading all of you guys responses, I'm still skittish on letting him have the kids over the weekend. What we're doing now, is I am taking the kids to his church, then after service we go to the park or something for them to have time with their father. This way they are getting reacquainted with him, and I can see if he is ready by my standards, to keep the kids over the weekend.
I thank you, each and every one of you, for your responses on this tough situation.
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
5 May 09
I have lots of brownies in the freezer... so come on over! I'm going to try making some peanut butter cookies too. 
The meeting on neutral ground and time at a public park sounds absolutely PERFECT!! Ease into it, it's the best way for everyone involved.
The meeting on neutral ground and time at a public park sounds absolutely PERFECT!! Ease into it, it's the best way for everyone involved. 1 person likes this
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Is there any court order for every other weekend or whatever?? If there isnt since she does not want to give you his number or his address.tell him untill them he can meet you in town whenever u decide to go and he can meet you there and spend time with his kids.. they can go to mc donalds and play or chuckee cheeses or somthing... I wouldnt send my kids even with an address and phone number unless I was okayed to go in and check this place out first. do you know his wife what she is like??. I would be worried about that as well..Are your kids old enough to tell you what goes on there inj the house??... When you talk to him. tell him to try and see it from your point a view as if you were the one who wanted to see the kids every weekend but yet would not give u a number or and andress and he doesnt know what goes on in and around the house. mabey he will understand if he misses them so much then that means he loves them..would he send the kids he loves dearly to a house were he knows nothing about??....
I think you are doing the right thing.. I would not put my kids in any kinda of danger.not saying there is but you dont know..
My daughters father has never met her she is 4... I am not keeping him away, hes more then welcome to come here to north carolina and see her whenever he wants.. she was concieved her in nc and born in nc so its not like I moved far from him and expect him to travel far.. he moved when he got out of the marine corpse.
He pays child support twice a month I have talked to him on the phone 1 time in thoes 4 years...never herd from him after.. You think he would want that chance, Like you said alot of women keep there children from the father. Just like man say they will never figure a woman out.. I feel the same way towards men lol.
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
We don't have a formal visitation order. He says he wants to get one, but I told him they would side with me as far as knowing the address and phone number. I am not opposed to meeting him somewhere, but that was the problem with this Monday.
Yesterday, he was supposed to come see the kids at my house. I made sure to set it up when my grandmother would be at work, since they don't get along (she would have tolerated him for the sake of the kids, but he wasn't having it) Anyway, it was set up this way because I didn't have bus fare to take them anywhere. I kept the kids at home instead of them going to school, ruining my son's perfect attendance record.
We set this up a week in advance, and I kept telling him to let me know ahead of time if he couldn't show, so I wouldn't waste my time or the kids. I didn't even tell them he was coming until Sunday night, so I wouldn't disappoint them. I did anyway, because he texted me that he was moving that morning.
To answer your question I have met his wife, and don't have a problem with her at all. Hell, she's the one with the problem husband lol. Anyway, my whole thing is not knowing where they are. I'm not sending my kids to some place I don't know. Period.
I've tried several times to get him to see my point of view, but he refuses. He says that I am being malicious and vindictive, and that I'm doing this because I can't have him 
. I just need to know where my kids are. If he were to give me that information, I would let him have the kids this very weekend. Hell, after all this time I need the break!!!
. I just need to know where my kids are. If he were to give me that information, I would let him have the kids this very weekend. Hell, after all this time I need the break!!!1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
22 Apr 09
I do not think you are over reacting at all, not at all. I would be exactly the same in your position and if the kids thought I was the meanie and the bad guy then so be it. He comes back into your life after all this time wanting to see the kids yet will not give you his phone number or address, really that sounds suspicious to me already and they are not even my kids yet that sounds wrong to me. You stick to your boots and do not let him have access to the kids until you know his address at least, you have every right to know the wherabouts of your kids, imagine him having them for a weekend and then for some reason not fetching them back when he was supposed to, you would not have a clue where they were or anything.
2 people like this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
8 May 09
Thanks for the well wishes Gem, but for now everything has worked out for the best. He ended up texting me the address the same day that I posted this discussion. I still haven't allowed my kids to spend the night at his house, but I did go to his church with them this past Sunday, and will continue to do so until I feel comfortable enough to leave them at his house.
After reading the responses to this discussion, I am still skittish about leaving the kids with him over the weekend. I just don't know what it is that he was hiding by not giving me the address. And it's that very aspect that scares me. So for now, it will just be Sundays with Dad at church and wherever we decide to go afterwards. Once I feel comfortable, and the kids are used to him again, we will discuss them spending the night.
@ronita34 (3922)
• Canada
16 Feb 10
I don't think that you are over reacting at all. I also would want the address and definately the phone number of where my children are going to be and it is probably even required by him to give it to you. I would make sure that you don't play into his hand and don't let him think that flirting is ever going to get him his way with you. He hurt you and you thankfully got over it and he made his bed and he can lay in it to. Your kids however will always be your kids and if he can't have the decency to give you his digits and address of where your children will be then too bad. If he thinks that it is that important to hide then let him hide it without your kids there. Also I know that this sort of situation is frustrating and most likely makes you angry but don't let him know that it bugs you because that is what he wants.
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
21 Apr 09
I would get a lawyer and explain the situation to him. And that you MUST have a current phone number and address for him at all times.
I don't remember how old your kids are but you must get them to call you when ever they are at their father's place so you can verify you have the current number.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
26 Apr 09
Fortunately, he gave up the address before it got that far. I didn't have the money for a lawyer, nor the time to go through legal aid for such nonsense. My kids are 7 and 5 as of today, but after all the tussle we went through, I really don't trust them over there with him. Everyone in this discussion had the same sentiment, and they are right; why go through all of this over an address? What is he trying to hide. I will take my children to see him in a neutral area, but it will be quite some time before I will feel comfortable letting them spend the night by themselves.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
27 Oct 09
hi darknlovely hatley here You are not overreacting your
first obligation is to your kids, he has to have a safe
place to see the kids and you must have the place and
the phone number before he can have the kids. could you
maybe have him see the kids at a place that you know
is safe, maybe your mothers place or a relative you
trust, or even his mother if you trust her, but he
has to abide by your wishes I think, that is only
fair. If he is refusing to give you the address I would'
be really scared, because it could be he plans to take'off
with your kids, else why the secrecy? maybe you will have
to bring in childrens protective service and have a mediator
suggest a place that would be safe, and have it overseen
by the CPS. I wonder why he feels he cannot give you an address'
and phone number, do you have joint custody or total If total I would go to childrens protective, as he is up to something.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
14 Nov 09
Wow. Its amazing what happens in just a few months. Since I posted this discussion, we have been to court to discuss visitation, where I told the court that I wanted him to get a psychological evaluation before he could see the kids, among others things. We went to mediation, which opened the bridge up to us talking and me finding out that the wife has a lot of problem with him seeing the kids. This led to a few visits a my house with the kids, and us going to court once again to say that I wanted to have mediation with his wife, in order to have everything run smoothly.
At this point, I am still not sure of letting him have the children by himself, but at least we are speaking and he is in the kids lives. If everything continues to get better, we may actually be able to have a working relationship as separated parents! (Whooda thunk it?)
@sunnflr (2767)
• United States
21 Apr 09
I don't think you are overreacting at all. My son never goes anywhere that I don't know the address, phone number (usually more than one), and know the people well. Their father should have their wellbeing in mind, and want you to have the number. Who knows what could happen that you'd need to get in contact with him?
I doubt any judge would make you send the kids without contact information either, in case he threatens that.
Good luck.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
26 Apr 09
Their father is a selfish person that only wants things his way. Having this contact with him over the past two months has taught me that. I really thought that he had changed, grown up some. That was his so-called reason for leaving me, because I supposedly made him the way he is. Yes I was stupid enough to believe that I had caused some of it. But now I see that he is the same selfish liar that doesn't take responsibility for his actions; he was like that before and he will forever be that way, until some life-changing event happens to him.
You would think that a father that loves his kids would understand that the mother is only looking out for her children's safety in this situation. But he doesn't. I don't think that this means he doesn't love his kids, but I do know that its his selfishness and need to have his way that makes him do it.
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
22 Apr 09
oh another man issues i get to tear into..
well if he's a real man he need to give you the information you want. what's the big deal. i hope he been paying child support if not, then i wouldnt let him see the kids either.
it's not your fault for him leaving with another woman, its his for real.
but if he wants to be in the kids life, and he should if he take care of them still by paying for his responably. and if he isnt paying child support then take his sorry a$$ to court and let him be a man and take care of his business.
but yeah i agree with you i wouldnt let him have the kids if he's not giving up the adress and phone number.. to me it sound funny he's not.. but i agree with you,
and if he has a court oder to see the kids, you need to take him back to court and explain he's not giving you proper information where the kids are at.
good luck
and to let you not all men are like this,
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
8 May 09
That is what I was screaming the whole time!!! He says his reason is I just want to play games because I am mad he left me three years ago. Granted I was mad and hurt then, but I am so far over him that it isn't funny. Besides I had just turned down his advances, so why would I be mad still? His next reason was that his wife was threatening to leave him if I was given the address. If that's true, then it means that he is telling her lies about what I've been saying to him. But knowing, it could have been just another excuse not to give it to me.
He finally did give me the address, but I am still not allowing him to keep the kids over the weekend. After all the lies and inconsistencies, I simply don't feel comfortable in allowing him to keep them overnight. I have, however, allowed him to see the kids at his church and after service, starting just this past Sunday. I will continue to take them to church every week until I feel comfortable enough with him and his wife to leave the kids with them overnight.
@bamakelly (5191)
• United States
21 Apr 09
It sure sounds like you are in a tough situation and I don't envy you at all. I feel bad for you and I don't think that you are thinking crazy especially when it comes to the welfare or well being for your family.
Children sometimes get caught in the middle of these ugly battles. They need to come first.
You and the father really need to get together and make sure things are done the right way. I understand that you and the father don't have any more romantic ties but the children will keep a bond between you for a long time coming.
You have every right to know all the information that you can so as to know about how your kids are and where they are.
I don't understand why the father is acting this way. I feel that you are acting quite reasonable and I certainly wish you the best of luck. Sometimes relationships end but they just can't be completely severed especially where children are in the picture.
I feel so sorry for children that are caught up in all of this. They need to know that they are loved and even though their parents might not be together anymore then they should at least feel safe and secure with either parent and not having these games going back and forth. It doesn't give the children a sense of a safe haven at all.
I wish you much luck with this once again and I hope the father of your children will come to his senses. I think if you don't keep on him about this eventually someone else might be able to talk some reason into him or else I would wait on letting him have your children for any length of time.
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Thank you for your condolences. I never wanted this to be a battle. But it seems like ever since I turned him down when he tried to flirt, then told him about the man in my life, he has used every excuse not to give me the information that I asked for. I want us to have a meeting of the minds, so that he can see his kids. But he has always been a person that wants his way, and not take any of the blame when things go wrong.
If that's not the reason, I don't know why he is acting the way he is either, and I have known him for about 15 years. I wish that I could just sever ties completely, but growing up without a father myself prevents me from doing such. It also prevents me from telling them anything wrong about their father, no matter how much dirt he does. They will find out what type of person he is for themselves, and not because I badmouthed him.
I hope that he will come to his senses. He's missed out on so much since he has left, and the way things are going, they will be teens before they get to see him again.
@Ritchelle (3790)
• Philippines
23 Apr 09
i think you can ask your kids if they want to see their father. tell them the truth, that their father is trying to get back into their lives. whatever your children tell you the responsibility you have as a mother is to support them and in case they get hurt or change their minds with their decisions your responsibility is to cushion the pain.
it's the kids he wants to get back to. so, ask the kids first. then take it from them. your love would be enough to make all wrong things right 
1 person likes this
@cvodrey (225)
• United States
21 Apr 09
You are NOT overreacting.
He is playing you, and pointing fingers at you because he is the type of person who will not accept responsibility for their his own actions. He sounds immature.
He is not entitled to certain rights because he fathered your kids. Those rights need to be earned...especially since he has been 'displaced' for so long.
Would you leave you child with 'anyone' if you didn't know where they would be taken, and did not have a number where you could reach them? No, I don't think so.
Asking him for contact information is not too much to ask, and is your responsibility. Stop looking at him as an ex, and clouding your judgement because he is your kids father.
Rule #1: Decide what is best for your kids, and stick with it. If he really wants to be a part of their life, he will give you the information you need. And don't be afraid to confirm it. If he refuses, then don't let him point his finger at you. You let him know that there are certain rules that he needs to follow, and if he chooses not to follow them...well...that's HIS choice. Do NOT be guilted.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
22 Apr 09
I am so sorry about this but even I don’t see you playing any games here. Plain and simple if he’s an ex and I know everything between us has ended, I would not really hand over my kids to him on alternate weekends without having any access to them. C’mon, I know longer know what sort of life this guy is leading right now, who are his acquaintances, how does he spend his weekends and (don’t get me wrong) children can be so impressionable that they can even lie to ‘protect’ somebody under false impressions.
You are absolutely correct in not allowing this to happen…no way I would let my kids out of sight for the entire weekend without any means of contact with them…I would go crazy worrying over them and then why should I put myself into so much trouble? OK the kids miss him, they would misunderstand me now (or maybe forever) but I would better be safe than sorry…I can risk losing their love for me, I cannot risk losing them!
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
21 Apr 09
Under no circumstances, drknlvly, should you allow him to take your children unless you have the proper contact information. Any kind of emergency could come up where you would need to contact them through him. He is being ridiculous if he even thinks you should just let him walk out with your kids leaving no way to contact them! You should tell him to seek legal advice so that he can learn what his rights are in the matter as well as yours.
1 person likes this
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
21 Apr 09
It sounds like he is the one playing games.If I
did not have a court order I would not let him
have the kids.It sounds like the wife might have
something to do with this,she may not want him
to have any contact with you,are you with him.
I would not give in until he gave you the infor-
mation.
1 person likes this
@ddhawkins63 (682)
• United States
22 Apr 09
I wouldn't allow my kids to go someplace that I didn't know their where abouts either. That's just crazy. You never know if you might need to go there. I have never heard of such a thing in all my life. If he decided to take it to court, I think you would know the address at least then because it would have to be on the paperwork. He should be allowed to see the kids though. Tell him that if he can't give you the address etc. that you will gladly set up visits for him to see the kids in your presence or the presence of someone else that you trust. But yes, that is just crazy that he would expect you to do that without giving you the info that every mother has the right to know.
@angel_rain (271)
• Philippines
22 Apr 09
I'm thinking like you do.Of course any mother will really make sure that her kids are fine (even if they are with their father) it's for our peace of mind.You are not overreacting,my ex-husband also tried this trick on me but unfortunately it was the kids who doesn't want to see him.I also don't trust him because in his state now he is not really in good shape (mentally and emotionally) and I don't want my kids to see him like that,don't want them to follow his bad deeds.
Just stand firm with your decision,you are right and it is your right as a mother.
God Bless!
1 person likes this
@Blondieblue (67)
• United States
22 Apr 09
That doesn't sound right at all! I can't help but think he would try to pull something if you let him take the kids w/o being able to confirm an address or phone number, especially since he hasn't been involved in a while. If he's that concerned about you playing games and wants to see the kids, offer to let him come visit them at your place; ( when you're home of course) and see what he says
1 person likes this
