I Would Prefer If You Didn't Hang Around Us.....
By singlemommy
@singlemommy (2955)
United States
May 21, 2009 11:20pm CST
There is going to be a carnival in town this weekend. I'm taking my daughter out of town this weekend so tomorrow night is the only night she will be able to go. It is my weekend with her, but I told my ex that I didn't care if he took her to the fair, but she wants me to come and ride a few rides with her and I told her that I would. Well, my ex told me tonight that he didn't mind me coming up there but he "would prefer" if I didn't "hang around" them for very long.
Now, he recently broke up with his fiance and he has been hanging out with me ALOT ever since they split. He has either been at my house or has wanted me to hang out at his house. It has been nice in a way because I've gotten to spend more time with our daughter (she lives primarily with him).
It did kind of hurt my feelings in away when he said it because I know that his family doesn't really care much for me and my family doesn't care much for him, but I just felt like he didn't want to be seen with me, like he didn't want anyone to know that he's even been hanging around me. Funny thing is, he has been coming to me or asking me to come to his house, etc, I haven't asked him once to come to my house or if I could go to his house. He said he wasn't ashamed of being seen with me, that he just wanted to spend time with our daughter, but I just kinda feel like he is using her as a cover up for what the real reason is.
What do you think? Do you think that he is scared that someone will see us together?
5 people like this
18 responses
@mtdewgurl74 (18151)
• United States
25 May 09
Well the only way to find out is see if he would have dinner with you and your daughter in a public place if he makes excuses then you have your answer. Men can be weird about those things. He might not want others to know that you are hanging out. Or want them to see you together maybe the other ex will be at the fair..
3 people like this
@Beertjie (976)
• South Africa
27 May 09
This might sound silly but it might be the reason. I am a single man, never married, late thirties. I have a siter with two kids, she is devorced. I have three brothers, one devorced, the other two married and got kids.
Your ex is single and going to this fair. A single man wants woman to know he is single. I am talking from experience. OK, there might be some who are different. I do not like to go anywhere with my siter and her kids, or one of my sister-in-law with their kids.
Maybe this is the case with him. He like to see you in private, but he is still single and when in public he wants to look single, just in case there is some woman to flirt with.
If I am wrong, please forgive, I am just giving my experience of this.
I wish you the best.
@sudalunts (5523)
• United States
27 May 09
Sounds like he wants to be with you not be seen with you. He wants it both ways. Since he spends more time with your daughter anyway, it would have been nice for you to spend more time with her at the carnival. Who knows, since he recently broke up with his fiance, he might be trying to meet someone else, and if you are with him, it would hurt his chances of meeting someone new at the carnival.
2 people like this
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
23 May 09
hi singlemommy,
i can't make him out as he was very nasty to you not so long ago when he had his fiance and now he is hanging around you behind his family's back, whats it with him? he maybe feeling lonely because he is single again and just using his daughter for company with you, so when he goes to the fair and his family would be there, he doesen't want to be seen with you, that sucks and it just shows what he thinks of you really and he is using you till he meets someone else.
Tamara
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
23 May 09
Hi singlemommy~ I think that the only person who can answer
that question is you. Since you are the only person who know
this man and how he thinks you are the only one who would be
able to figure out what his motive might be. And if that is
what you think then I would be angry and not want to be around
him even though I know that you want to spend as much time
as you can around your daughter. It is a very difficult postion
for you to be in. But, I think that you need to decide if he
is playing games with you or not for your own sake.
3 people like this
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
25 May 09
Is it possible he is seeing someone else already and is afraid that person or a friend of that person could see the two of you together and tell the person he is seeing? Hope that makes sense. Anyway I also feel he is using the daughter as a cover up for something else but may not quite be what you are thinking. Maybe he is afraid the ex-finance will hear that you two were together and think you are the reason for the break up. Could be a great deal of things I guess. Men are very hard to read and usually won't be straightforward about anything.
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
22 May 09
I have no idea and I would have asked why, what harm was there in hanging around,
and spending time with your daughter well if she lives with him that is a lame excuse,
but you know what, he wouldn\t be coming to my house again after that because I am not a doormat, to used at his convenience, well that is me that is what I would do
1 person likes this
@grammagill (7)
• United States
22 May 09
winterose, Some things in life are not worth trying to hold onto. And some relationships are one of them. Trust me, I have been there.
When one door closes, another one will always open. I have always believed that everything in life happens for a reason.
You and your X-husband still have one thing in common, that is your daughter. But maybe it is time that it stopped there. Get along, and take part in what your daughter needs from both of you.
It just may be time for you to forget about trying to have any other type of relationship with this man. Life goes on, and there is someone out there for winterose. Or maybe you want to take some time off, and find you.
I myself took four years off from relationships after my divorce. It was the best thing I ever could have done for "Me". And after that time, I joined Match.com, and met my now husband. Whom by the way, was and is, a dream come true.
So you see, as I said above, when one door closes, another one will open. But sometimes we have to push that other door in order to get it open.
2 people like this
@grammagill (7)
• United States
22 May 09
winterose, I apologize for posting a comment for singlemommy under your comment by mistake. There seemed no way for me to fix it once I posted it.
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
22 May 09
I think he's enjoying using you when it's convenient to him, and you're letting yourself be a doormat because of your natural need to spend more time with your daughter. If I were you, I'd explain to her that the time at the carnival is "daddy's time" and it's only fair that you not intrude on that time. And while you both love her and don't mind being together with her, he has requested that time as his own.
Sometimes a tree is just a tree. There's no reason behind it. There's no reason behind his behavior except his own selfishness and your letting him use you. Get the doormat off your back!
1 person likes this
@olydove (1209)
• United States
23 May 09
Though dragons words are a bit harsh, they are true. I think you hit it right in your feelings that he doesn't want to be seen in public with you.
Whatever his reasons are your gut feeling is almost 99% the exact reason. In my personal experience of wanting to hold on to something that just wasn't there anymore it will only do more harm to you and your daughter than good.
I believe dragon here has provided good advice and given you a pretty good way of talking with your daughter and I hope and pray for your sake, and your daughters that you let the past be the past and try to maintain a simple friendship with her dad to help her have a good future.
Unfortunately when someone speaks bluntly it can hurt out feelings, but usually they turn out to be correct.
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
22 May 09
bless your heart, i think he is using u. tell him to go to he!!.
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
25 May 09
i think it good you guys can hang out together for your daughter sake. but maybe he dont want people to get the wrong idea that there might be a chance you guys will get back together.
but to me if i was him, i would tell my family look we are getting along together for our daughter sake. i would your family the samething.
often time when two people break up they are often nasty with each other. but i think it's great you guys can get along
2 people like this
@peachmom2369 (131)
• United States
22 May 09
im not good with relationships but it does seem like he is using your daughter as a cover up for some other reason. guys seem to be famous for doing that. there are a million different things it could be. he might just not want to be seen with you or he might have a new girlfriend that he does not want you to know about you never know what it might be. he might just not want people to think that you all are back together. good luck with evrything
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
22 May 09
Yeah, men are so funny about things like this. He has told me that he broke up with his fiance because he wanted to see if we could work things out but then again he has told me that he is thinking about trying to get back together with her. Maybe he is planning on her being there or he doesn't want anyone to tell her that they seen us together or something, who knows...but it still hurts my feelings.
1 person likes this
@peachmom2369 (131)
• United States
22 May 09
i know what you mean but alot of guys seem to not think of how their actions make someone else feel you have as much right to be their as him it is your child too if she wants you there you have every right in the world to be their with her.
1 person likes this
@NadiaAllStar (162)
• United States
22 May 09
Hey Singlemommy, I will tell you this, now his ex-fiance is gone and he's all of a sudden wanting to hang around you, even though it does give you more time to spend with your daughter you can't let him play you like that..Not At All..
Yes he's hiding you and is scared people will see you together. Listen don't go backwards, do what you have to do with your daughter and keep it moving! If by chance maybe just maybe he's feeling some type of way and wanted to work things out or he was being sincere with you your instincts will let you know and that's a decision you would have to make. But to just have you around hanging out at his convience..absolutly not! Looking from the outside though I don't know much detail, there's definately a Red Flag!
1 person likes this
@grammagill (7)
• United States
22 May 09
I am new here, and posted a response for singlemommy under winterose by mistake. Please forgive me, as I did not mean to do this.
2 people like this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
1 Sep 09
It definitely sounds like a cover-up, and what would he say if someone did see you together? Simple!!! If he doesn't want to introduce you as being "close to him" all he has to say is "and this is (dughter's name)'s mother, (your name)." I've never understood people who think like he does.
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
22 May 09
Men's pride is so weird sometimes. He may still have some feeling for you and because his family doesn't care much for you he is pulled in two different directions. From what you have said before about him I get the impression he is sort of a jerk and so I hope you don't find yourself falling into a thing with him in any way. Keeping very definite boundaries is very important in this too. Don't let him twist his way into a compromising situation with you. You just don't need it.
1 person likes this
@jlamela (4898)
• Philippines
22 May 09
I think your intuitions that your ex is scared someone might see you together is proved true. Maybe he doesn't want somebody discover that you're going out together, but well maybe he is just taking precautions because he doesn't want any trouble with your family both since according to you, your respective families did not a care a bit about you and your ex.
If you are really in trouble with your situation why not talk to him honestly so that you are not wondering what is the real score.
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
22 May 09
Yes remember always go with your women's intuition. I do and I'm usually 99% right.
He keeps coming to your house and wants you to hang out at his place however, he wouldn't want his family to know because they are going to give him the 3rd degree.
1 person likes this
