Disowning children: Why Would Parents Do That?

@kevchua (1004)
Malaysia
August 14, 2009 1:36am CST
Children are supposed to bring joy to the parents but to some parents, their expectations and their disrespect for their children cause relationship problems. Some even resort to disowning their children. A good example is when their children refuse to marry a person of their choice, or of the same religion. The first thing that pops into the parents' mind is to disown them to show that they mean business. This should never happen, why do parents think of disowning their own flesh and blood? What's your opinion on this?
4 people like this
23 responses
14 Aug 09
Good topic- I think parents choose to disown their children when they don't act like their blood and flesh anymore- they can't be identified with the family. I think parents disowning their children is pretty harsh, sometimes it's hard to live up to what the parents want..
• Canada
3 Oct 10
I completely disagree. Too many parents give to their children, give them whatever they want, so they grow up to be takers. If you raise a child with morals, values, and don't give in to whatever they want and use healthy discipline then most often they do not turn out like that. My children are so respectful of myself and others, and would never take advantage of anyone. They know to work for themselves and not steal from others. Really children are not to blame, it is parents in most cases (not all).
• United States
19 Oct 11
These responses are so old, but I am so disturbed by Bonnie's comment. I am currently doing research on the effects of this on children. Bonnie, you clearly have some issues with your children. Maybe thay have caused problems, maybe they have not been "great" kids, but YOU were/ ARE their parent, and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying you "happily" disowned your children. Quite frankly, if they do act up, It is apparent that you don't come across as a very emotionally available individual for your children. Have you addressed what your issues possibly are? Not every child or family is how you describe, and you have a very black and white, narrow view due to your personal experience. You also display a lot of anger. Maybe within the past year you have confronted it. If not, I highly recommend you do. And unless you plan to express love to your kids, please do stay away from them. Your words express more harm than good. Best of luck.
@dorannmwin (36611)
• United States
14 Aug 09
I agree, this should never happen. Whenever I hear of people being estranged from their parents it makes me so very sad. As far as my children, they are both still much too small to even consider something like that, but I wouldn't anyway. I was brought up to love unconditionally, so that is the way that I will always be. I'll support the decisions that my kids make and I will always do whatever I can for them The closest I've ever came to seeing someone I know disowned by their parents is my sister-in-law, her parents told her that they would never speak to her again if she was to get married to my brother. We are Catholic and they are Baptist. They ended up not talking to her for about two weeks, but now they get along again.
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 09
Sometimes, the threats are temporary; the parents merely want to put their point across, and the only way to do it is by threatening to disown their children. Not buying their threat doesn't mean that the family will not speak to the children forever after their children get married. This threat would disappear in time... but for some people, the threat is real.
@kezabelle (2986)
14 Aug 09
I suppose it comes down to your own expectations of your children does it not? Culture religion etc all play a part, me personally i expect only that my children treat those around them with respect and abide by the law, but it would take some serious law breaking for me to disown them to be honest. In my culture expecting someone to marry someone just does not happen so it would not be something ever seen as reason enough to disown your child but to others it may be because its what is expected due to their lifestyle culture what ever.
2 people like this
@prinzcy (3073)
• Malaysia
14 Aug 09
I don't think we can give fair opinion why some parents disowned their own child, we're never in their situation and we can never tell why did they do that. They might have high hope for their son/daughter but forget to remember, their child can think on their own and want something different. They will become frustated when the storyline they wrote for the child is not going to be follow by the child. That's why they choose to disowned and think it's the best way to teach their child. But parents are parents. Regardless how angry they are, they'll always forgive and ready to accept the child as time past by.
2 people like this
@patofgold23 (5075)
• Philippines
14 Aug 09
it's so sad things like that could happen..though it really doesn't have to happen.. i feel sorry for the kids being disowned... the parents don't deserve to be called as such if they do that to their kids ....whether our kids are right or wrong,we should always stand beside them
2 people like this
• United States
14 Aug 09
I am not sure why a parent would disown there own children. I have 3 kids and yes they do cause me grief and stress most every day but I just could not think of them not being with me. I like to get away from them now and then but I cant imagine not ever seeing them again. They are really important to me and I could never disown them. It does not matter to me what they have done I would never get rid of them.
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 09
Parents disown their children because they're angry that their expectations of their children are not met. For instance, they expect their son to marry a girl from the same religion but the son prefers to choose his own and marry someone from a different religion which is not acceptable by the family members. Therefore, being afraid of embarrassment, their parents feel it's better not to have any relationship. Another reason is that parents just want to have the final say in getting a partner. If they can't achieve that, out you go. Not every parent is understanding; not every parent accepts their children's decisions. That's a fact.
• Philippines
14 Aug 09
Hi kevs, I think parents want only the good things for their children and want to secure their good future. They want their children to choose the right man or girl to marry in which both parents have no disagreement with the other parties. sometimes, children will not like the parents ideas..because they are never sure of their feeling whether they like the idea, the person or arrange marriage and want to decide or choose their love and happiness. Sometimes it is good to follow parents advices, they know what is best for their children. Sometimes they arrange children marriage to keep ties with their wealth. Pairing with a financially stable person with the same business ties will assure that business dynasty progress comparing to marrying someone totally unknown or unacceptable by your parents. Children that are obedient follow their parents and believe they will reap more blessing and good life. While some children rebel or never follow parents advices. The result parents denied children rights in family inheritance or abandon them as a way to let the child suffer for being disobedient to them. This is a strategy of parents for children to follow what parents like or else they will be denied all their rights. It up to children to decide if they follow parents desires or they follow their hearts..
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
14 Aug 09
Hi neelianoscet, I got your point. However, just because they are parents, it doesn't give them the right to dictate our lives. Though they think that what they say or do is for our own good, we still have the right to choose whether to follow or not, or else we will forever be dependent of our parents to help us decide. When then will be ever grow up and decide on our own? I believe that any son or daughter would never want to be disrespectful to their parents, but like what I've said earlier, parents need to respect their children's wishes too and let them learn the hard way if things go wrong. Cheers! :)
1 person likes this
14 Aug 09
Ive never heard of parents doing that before, i think its terrible that any parent would feel that they need to go to that extreme for the sake of just proving a point, because thats all it is, they dont agree with a choice that their child has made so this is their way of proving their point. I think its sick to be honest for a parent to even contemplate doing that let alone actually drowning them
1 person likes this
14 Aug 09
I am such an idiot, i thought that said drowning your children not disowning them, my apologies My reply still would be the same though just minus the word drowning
@divkris (1163)
• India
14 Aug 09
You are right! Parents disown thier child/children only because they did not marry the person the parents liked. It is a shame that parents-kids fight inthe name of religion and traditions. I have heard stories of parents disowning their children because of financial problems too. It is a shame and i think the matter has to be realized by the individuals and the sociaety cannot do anything about it
@cwong77 (2012)
• Malaysia
16 Aug 09
we have children that disown their parents, and having the vice versa is just another sad story. I don't know how much a parents can accommodate a child nonsense since I am still in the midst of exploring it myself.. I think at the current era, we seldom hear parents disowning their child any more due to the miserable number that we are having.. however giving such a threat in order to make our children listen to us or even obeying our instruction is not a good way. We as parents should ensure that we let our child have the reasoning kind and not based on threats. What happen if by threat, the will do not work out? are the parents able to shoulder the consequences? Nowadays, things are more openly discuss in each household, and if any parents will still do that, this means the child may have seriously upset their parent badly.
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
16 Aug 09
i think there are more parents who disown their children than vice versa - I could be wrong though. Parents especially mothers have tremendous inner strength. They could take real hard hits, be seriously injured yet get up on their feet and help their children who have betrayed them. In the Asian culture, children are GENERALLY still not used to having an open discussion with their parents & parents are generally authoritarians. They have the "What I say, you do & when I talk you listen" attitude. As long this doesn't change, there won't be good interaction between parents and children. And don't forget the fact that not every child is an obedient child. The rebellious ones just leave no matter how much you try talking to them. And not every parent is able to communicate with their children. Those who can't would probably take the easy way out by severing their relationship with their rebellious & ungrateful children. Just a thought. It has been a good and mature discussion. Keep it going :)
@Hatley (107569)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Aug 09
hi kevchua my dad disliked my fiance so much that he wrote me out of his will, he was a powerful man who liked to dominate my mom and me, if we agreed fine,if not he would blow his top. so when I fell in love with a man he did not like I was aced out of his will as he felt money would buy anything even his 29 year old daughter's obedience I dont think any man would have beenapproved by him. but what was so funny when I passed up a million dollars to marry finally the man I loved he was there when we had financial difficulties with money for groceries but there were ties always to his help, my husband was in my dad's eyes a new servant to bow to dads desires. for awhile my hubby went along with it, running errands for my elderly dad but he had to slough that off when we had kids as my hubby hAd to work to support his litttle family.my husbAnd put it all in a nutshell,your dad believes anything or anyone c an be bought if offered enough money.He felt I was not just his daughter but his possession and must do only as he wanted always.
@kevchua (1004)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 09
Sad huh...people believe that money could be used to "possess" a human, the same way it is used to possess an inanimate object. I guess it's tough. Humans just don't realise that money can't buy certain things... especially love. Cheers!
@eileenleyva (8515)
• Philippines
20 Aug 09
Hi kevchua, ever seen that old classic Fiddler on the Roof? Parents dearly love their children They would mortify anything just to see their offsprings all right. But faith and the matters of the heart are for the children to decide on. Parents can only instruct and guide. I brainwash my children though. I tell them that when It comes to faith, I will never yield. When it comes to the boys they fall in love with, I will meet them halfway. No sooner though do I tell them lines like Hey, I don't like a grandchild that looks like Frankenstein...
@jaiho2009 (36779)
• Philippines
20 Aug 09
Disowning own child? I am a mother,i don't think as a parent or a mother i have all the rights to choose for my child.I can suggest and guide them,but the final decission should be theirs and not mine.Discussing things with children is very important,from choosing career and married life.Then,i leave the final decission to my kids.
@syankee525 (6298)
• United States
17 Aug 09
i know some like that, they disown thier own kids just because they married someone outside of the race or faith. but i also know parnets disown thier kids because they are grown and the parent figure they should have control over them, hte kids have belife or theoir own optins
@taripres (1499)
• United States
15 Aug 09
I have no clue, maybe it's a hardcore belief system that they'll always control the kids' lives!! Like I know in the case of daughters, it's very hard to let go as a father; I don't have one but I can imagine, I've seen it!! But turning your back on your kids, well, here in the US, there are so many fatherless kids, it's utterly sad! I could never turn my back on my child, any child for that matter! I take care of a 2 year old now, along with my 8 year old! The 2 year old is not even my biological, it's my son's baby brother by his mother, but I took on the both of them cause I didn't want them separated! I love that little boy like he was my own, I had him since he was 5 months, so disowning I'll never understand!! Taripre$
• United States
15 Aug 09
Not all children bring joy to their parents, especially when the path they take can destroy all respect within the family, but I have never heard of anyone disowning them...It might be said in a moment of frustration that they would just like to disown them, but the love of most parents is too intense to actually do that. I understand that in some cultures and in some religions this is the norm, but I can't imagine shutting out the love I feel for my child. My child can infuriate me, get me to the point of wishing I never had any kids, but I will love him always, with my whole heart.
• United States
15 Aug 09
I know that some cultures have certain things that is done a certain way in the family. Now many people talk about how the family is wrong, for disowning their kids for not following their general family rules that has been set down for ages. Has anyone thought about, why, the kids disobey, and go against family tradition? Kids are expected to follow the tradition of the families. Many families, even today, will not tolerate disobedience. As far as the family, disowning children because they are poor, i feel like, perhaps they are hoping the child will benefit by being in another home, where they might actually have the opportunity, to do better.
• India
15 Aug 09
I definitely think its very sad and selfish. I have seen few parents disowning their children coz they married outta religion. I have seen ppl disowning their children coz they change their religion ( i guess its better than killing them, which i have read some parents did do). I really feel sorry for all of this. Parents should realize wat the child wants and wat makes them happy, if so b it. I used to think till recently that a mother's love is unconditional so i can say is my moms love...but some ppl just change the meaning of it for their own selfishness.
@dbabcook (390)
• United States
15 Aug 09
I never have understood why parents do such a thing. I personally love my daughter very much and even when she gets older I will still love her regardless of whether or not I approve of the things she does. She is my child and as a parent you should never turn your back on your child or your own flesh and blood in general
• United States
14 Aug 09
That's wrong! When kids are little they obey their parents but I think they should be allowed to make their own choices, even at an early age. This way they develope a sense of self worth when they grow up. I would not want my kids to feel they have to do what I would like them too, when I do have kids I will teach them to not be afraid to make their own choices, and if there is something they feel that would be disapproving or if they do something I may not like, I won't disown them. I will talk to them but I won't force them to do what I would want them to do. Parents who disown their kids like that, are not the kinds of people that should have kids.