What have I done to my mother??
By rmorefield
@rmorefield (941)
United States
December 31, 2009 10:36pm CST
No matter what I do or say, it seems like my mom is mad at me. It wasn't like this until a few months ago when I had to move back home. The only reason why I came back is because someone was nice enough to burn my house down, and I had just delivered a baby. I could not work due to the delivery and the new baby, and I am only now getting to where I can start saving up for a down payment on a house. (I have 4 kids, and can't afford rent on a place that is big enough for all of us.) I just don't know what to do. I want to be able to get along with my mother, but I can't make her happy no matter what I do. My dad has even commented on this fact. And she has started yelling at my kids for everything they do, which of course, has made me tell her that she needs to back off. They are kids. There will be spills. There will be crumbs on the floor. There will be toys left on the floor. I understand that it is a tight fit for the seven of us to be here in this house together. I don't want to be here anymore than she wants me to be here. But she gets angry every time I mention getting a house for the five of us. She gets mad if I tell her that I am going to go take a bath, because she says that I spend too much time in there. Well, all of the kids are asleep, and that is "ME" time. She gets mad if I try to wash my clothes because she says that it is too cluttered in the washroom, and therefore I shouldn't try to walk back there. If I ask her to wash them for me, she gets mad because she says that she doesn't have time to do everything. I mentioned tonight that I bet she would be glad to go back to work (she works in a high school and has been off for the past two weeks for Christmas) because I know that she needs to get away from the house. I said that three hours ago, and she has yet to speak to me. What did I say?? It's not like I'm living here for free. She and Dad won't let me pay them anything for rent, so I compensate by buying all of the food for the house. (That in itself costs about $1000 a month) I pay part of the phone bill, and I pay part of the electric bill. Yet every time my mother opens a bill, the first thing she does is looks right at me and says "I don't know how I'm supposed to pay this. We don't have the money.) She knows that she doesn't have to pay all of it anyway. So why make the comment? I can't wait until my children and I can leave this house, but I know that there will be a fight when we do. My mom doesn't want me here, but she doesn't want me to take the kids anywhere. Well, they go where I say they go. And we can't live here forever. I just don't know how to get along with Mom while we are here. I don't know what I have done in the past few months that has made her so angry with me. I don't know why she is so angry with my kids or even my dad all of the time. What can we do?
2 people like this
10 responses
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
1 Jan 10
Hi rmorefield. It seems to me that you're trying your best and that's all that you can do at this point. Judging by your age, your mom is probably around the same age that I am and I can tell you from experience that women in our age group can and do go through a lot of emotional turmoil...mostly thanks to a lovely thing called hormones. As much as I love my grandchildren, I have discovered that I don't have the patience I once had. I've bitten my tongue so many times it's a wonder it's still hanging on and they're not doing anything other than being kidss when they're here...which is usually every day. Even though it was unavoidable, moving in with your parents caused a disruption in their lives (and routine), which is causing stress. The fact that she comments about the bills even though she knows that you will help pay them shows that this is stress related. What your mom is doing, in my opinion, is releasing some of that stress at you because you're a safe target. I'm not suggesting that she's doing it on purpose...it's completely psychological in nature. She doesn't want to hurt her grandchldren, which is good, and she's going to be left to deal with any damage she is doing to her relationship with her husband by taking it out on him, so that leaves you...her daughter. Daughters are forgiving...daughters will continue to try. The best thing for you to do is to continue to try to be as helpful as you can and as cheerful as you can. Once you and the kids have moved out your mom should settle down. Hang in there.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
3 Jan 10
Thank you for your advice. You are right. I become an easy target for her anger. And yes, she is always having hot flashes, even though she had surgery about eighteen years ago that put her through menopause immediately. And yes, no matter how much she yells at me for nothing, I will be here. She is my mom, how could I not? I don't think that Dad would do anything as drastic as leave her, but he has this habit of tuning her out and gluing himself to the television. The difference with me is, I am a confrontational person, and when she is turning her anger on me, I let her know that I am paying attention. Of course, I do curb my tongue and hold myself back because she is Mom. I would never talk to her like I would another adult who said the same things to me that she does. But I will usually raise my voice and tell her to stop yelling, or I will tell her to back off if she is taking it out on one of the kids. I don't even like raising my voice to her, but I have to in order to get her attention. And yes, she has commented on the fact that she doesn't have the patience that she had while I was growing up. Then again, there was only one of me, and now there are four to contend with. My four kids will try the patience of a saint. I often tell the older two that they are going to give me an anurism. LOL. I am trying to stay hopeful, and I am doing some heavy praying. (The Serenity Prayer is my favorite.) I think that I am going to take a little of my house down-payment money, and send her and Dad away for a night or two. The problem is, I am not sure that they would go without my kids. They will leave and go on vacation without me in a heartbeat, but let me mention that I want one or more of the kids to stay home. All you know what breaks loose. They actually went on three vacations this past year. Do you know how many I went on with them? None. How many did the kids go on? All of them. Mom and Dad need a little time to themselves. They have done the raising. I am an adult. They need to take a break and enjoy being grandparents. It's my turn to be stressed out and sleep deprived. Anyway, thank you. I hope you have a great year.
1 person likes this
@tawny_24 (341)
• United States
2 Jan 10
YOur mom sounds like my mom. There isn't anything you can do about her attitude. The truth is she isn't happy with herself and she is blaming everthing outside of herself instead of focusing on feeling grateful to have her family close and happy that you guys are safe and weren't hurt in a fire.
You may have to face off with her from time to time but just focus on getting out of there ASAP. Maybe you could find a rent to own property. YOu might be able to move out sooner.
@nenyalorien (899)
• Philippines
1 Jan 10
Hi, rmorefield!
Gosh, this awfully sounds like my mom on her "off" days.
I think your mom is stressed on a lot of fronts: the economy, your move back home, the kids running around, you being around.
I think your move back home had actually disturbed her empty-nest paradigm and just pushed her back the her stone ages of caring for you. I guess, subconsciously, she had already adjusted to the thought that she could finally rest from being a caregiver, and spend the rest of her nights relaxing after a hard day's work, and waiting for her retirement. Your move back home may have shattered her newfound freedom, and I think she may have resented that.
Second is that the economy might be worrying her, and her fears, mixed by all the stress and the wear and tear of too many things on everyone's plate may have been affecting her too much, and this is manifesting itself in, again, resentment and irritability.
Also, kids running around could stress anyone with normal circumstances, how much more people with issues, as your mom clearly is.
Although your mom is very passive-aggressive and manipulative in how she expresses her stressed situation, which is TOTALLY WRONG, once you gain perspective on how she may be feeling about everything, you may be able to empathize with her.
Yes, I agree with Asianne, do try to find a therapist. I think this needs more than mediation. Maybe you may need to have therapy for ongoing work. However, before you find a therapist, try to catch your mom on a non-stressed day and talk heart-to-heart with her first. Set the stage, so that she'll be more receptive. Do something nice for her, like treat her to a spa or something. And as you have your massages together, chit-chat with her and ask her what's been worrying her, then after, treat her to dinner, then have a heart to heart talk with her. This may help her unload her burdens to you, and help you figure out why she's being so mean.
This is just a suggestion, but you get the picture.
Now regarding why she went silent on you when you said that part on her looking forward to going back to work, I guess it's normal for her to be offended. While she may have been very mean to you, a part of her still wants to be a good mom to you, and for her to be confronted with your conflicts with her, ergo her failures, she must have been offended. Else, your comment, since, as I could imagine, may have jolted her to the realization that she was being mean. Or, had you said the comment sarcastically, she may have been genuinely hurt by that.
Well, I hope my reply sheds light into your situation. Pray about this, fast, if you need to. I know that God would bring healing to you and your mom. I know that things will turn out better in the end. Just pray. :)
Happy New Year!
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
1 Jan 10
If she took my comment the wrong way, I truly did not mean for her to. I simply thought that she does, indeed, need a little time to herslelf. She really enjoys her work. I know that she is stressed beyond belief, but I don't know how to help her. She won't let anyone do anything around the house, but at the same time, all she does is complain about how much we ask of her, and that she can't do it all. But it isn't like we ask her to do so much. She just goes ahead and does it, and then acts like it's because we won't do things for ourselves. And it isn't just me and the kids. It's my dad, too. If he washes the dishes, she literally yells because she doesn't think he does them the right way. If I wash clothes, she yells because I don't do them the right way. I think what bothers me the most is that growing up, I don't remember her raising her voice. Now, that's all she ever does. I'm really worried about her. I just don't know how to help her and our family's relationship. She is pushing everyone away. And the people in this house are the only people I have. Believe me when I say that I am praying as hard as I can.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jan 10
hi rmorefield You are the victim in the old adage about two married women with children cannot get along under one roof.
your mom sounds passive agressive and thats going to drive'
you bananas. you need to get some family counseling taking her to a counselor and telling the counselor how your mom is acting. maybe she can act as a go between for you and your mom.you two need to talk it out but with a mediator to help you two to solve the various problems before they get any worse. good luck and God Bless Happy New year may things get really good for you so you can move out on your own.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Jan 10
hi again yes sometimes an outsider can see things that maybe neither one of you thought of, and she or he might be
able to help you to to sort of reconcile. you mom might
have just s imply been overwhelmed by all that having all
of you entailed and not thought it all through. but
hopefully she loves you enough to want to work things
out with you.good luck and god bless.
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
3 Jan 10
How true that is. The only difference is that she is my mother, and therefore I cannot stand up to her like I would another female. If it were anyone other than my mother, I would probably be in jail and she would have a few missing teeth. If only I knew exactly what has Mom so angry at me, I would fix it. I think that we just need to move out of here as quickly as possible. She wanted us here at first, but I don't think that she completely thought it through. She didn't realize how hard it would be for seven people to live in this house. I knew. But at the time, I had nowhere else to go. I am saving as much money as I can. We all need our space. Thank you for your advice. I think a counselor might be a good way for us to talk without yelling.
1 person likes this
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
1 Jan 10
More likely what your mother is feeling is stress no anger. It can be very stressful having people stay in your home for a prolonged and un-determined amount of time especially if there are many children. Of course you can not help this, life has put you in this situation and while I aure your mom understandst this it does not make it any less stresssful on her. The best you can do is sit down to talk to her and tell her you intend to do your best to keep her stress levels down, and to keep the house in order as best you can. If it bothers her that you are using her washing machine then take the stuff to the laundry mat. Keep in mind this is her home and she probably feels like she is not able to have control over her home at this point, and not having control over one' home can be very stressful and taxing on someone. Perhaps showing your mom a clear plan for you exit date will aleviate some of her stress. Just realize that she is under stress and do your best to take the stres off of her. I wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
@srganesh (6340)
• India
1 Jan 10
That is really unbelievable.Generally grandmas are kind towards their grand children.In fact,they love more than they did for their own kids.In your case,I just can't understand what drives her mad(that is the aim of this post).Well,are you missing something in this story?What about your husband and what is his contribution to you and your kids?I can't see anything about your husband in this post and is it the reason behind your mother's reactions?
Anyhow,try to convince your mother to get back her.
@srganesh (6340)
• India
1 Jan 10
if she is loving her grand kids then it will not be a problem for a long time.I think she needs some more time to adjust and digest the situation.With your kids around she couldn't plan her daily works as she had done in the past.Everything goes out of hand and unpredictable and so she can't stop complaining.Try to give her the privacy any time of the day and she will accept you all.
1 person likes this
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
1 Jan 10
My husband has been away from home for almost a year. So, for the time being, we are on our own. I know that she loves the kids, I just don't think that she can handle them. She seems to have no patience anymore. Then again, four kids ages 13 to nine months would try the patience of a saint. I guess they don't bother me as much because they are mine. She is a saint in a way. She would give you the shirt off of her back if you needed it. And she will do anything for me or my kids. I think that she just tries to take on too much.
1 person likes this
@Loen210 (1540)
• United States
2 Jan 10
So sorry to hear what you are going through. I know it can be the hardest out of all people to be in situations like this with when they are your very own direct family.:o(
It is good of you to do the groceries, bill payments which is logistic and realistic. I was going to answer with what several other people posted. Consider family therapy, or at least one on one with her with therapist or councilor if you are unable to speak one on one directly with your mother. Let her know that you want to have a better relationship with her, instead of just asking why she's so cold to you.
And menopause, yes is another possible contribution, but my guess is that she may have had it many years ago? Is she not in a good married situation wiht your father anymore?
Warm thoughts to you and your family.
@tlb0822 (1410)
• United States
2 Jan 10
Hello rmorefield. I think that you should try sitting down with your mother, maybe a night out to dinner for the two of you and ask her what is troubling her. Also express to her how much you appreciate her and your father for allowing you to stay there with your children. I would also tell her that you are trying your best to make other living arraingements and that you hope that she will support your descions. I think that your mother is just frustrated at the moment, as I am sure that you are. If this doesn't work I would try having a mediator or a counselor get involved. I hope that things work out. The best of luck to you and your family.
@luckymy2008 (260)
• China
1 Jan 10
Hello rmorefield, I am very sorry for your family relationship. However, I can understand your mothers actions. Last summer, when all the villagers are in the harvist, my dad was ill and my brother got a backche and at that time my sister-in-law was pregment. My mother had to work outside and cook for the family when going home, nobady could gave her a hand. So sometimes she could't help to be angry. She was worried about everyone in the family and on the other hand, she was angry that she could do nothing to help them. She was just angry with the situation.
Therefore in your case, I think your mother is not mad at you, your children or your dad. She is just mad at the situation. She does want you to have a happy life with your children, but she can not help. All these forced her to yell to relieve her feelings.
In my opinion, you should understand her and give her support, try to do the housework as she does, try to talk with her heart-to-heart, try to know what she worries and share, be optimistic, I think she will accept the situation gradually...
Wish you good luck
@rmorefield (941)
• United States
3 Jan 10
Thank you. I will try. Yes, she is angry and I don't think that even she knows why. This is not the mother that I know. I want so badly to fix her problems.
@bird123 (10632)
• United States
2 Jan 10
When one gets old, all they really want is peace and quiet. Suddenly, mom has her house full. Sure, it's great having grandkids around but in the past she could always go back to peace and quiet. Mom sounds pretty stressed and is probably taking it out on you. What would she really do without you? Give her extra love and kindness. Try to give her some space from the kids for some quiet time. Pamper her doing extra favors for her.You know, she really loves you. She finds herself a bit overloaded.
