my boyfriend (ex, for that matter) can't accept that i have a kid.

November 25, 2011 1:21am CST
i am a single parent and i am only 22years old. i had my kid because i was forced to do it, i was blackmailed but then i am proud to have my baby. she is now 5years old and is constant in top1,2 or 3 in her class. i met this guy and we thought we are perfect for each other, we have same interests and hobbies, we also have the same goal in life. we had this connection in an instant after a few days he asked me if i can be his gf, if i am willing to try. i asked him if he is willing to try without getting to know each other so much he said yes and that the past is not so important if we keep each other happy and as long as we take care of each other. so i said maybe we can try. a week after, he found out that i have a kid and he said he can't accept a girl who has a child. he dumped me just like that. i think he is not openminded. too judgmental for me. but it still makes me sad because what i am looking for is a serious relationship and a guy who can accept me all of me.:(
9 people like this
46 responses
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
First thing, I can't understand when you said you were forced and blackmailed to have a kid. Any one of us has the freedom to say no if we really don't want to have a kid. Did I read it right? He told you that the past is not so important. But when he learned about your kid, he dumped you. That's weird. Don't be sad about what happened. At least as early as now you have learned that he truly don't love you. Because if he really loves you he will accept everything about you and will love and give importance to everyone you love. And don't worry about it because in time I am sure you will find someone who will accept you and your kid.
4 people like this
@lilaclady (28270)
• Australia
25 Nov 11
Well I think you are lucky you didn't get more serious with this man, his loss..you are very lucky to have your little girl and if a man can not acceot that then he is is not worth it..you will get someone who will love you and your little girl, I know a young man who fell in love with a lovely girl who had three children and they are very happy...I hope for you a nice man but for now be thankful for your little girl.
@SIMPLYD (75303)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
He is deceiving you my friend. He said the past is not important, yet when he learned about you having a kid from the past he dumped you? Don't get me wrong, but when he dumped you , have you gone to bed with him already?
3 people like this
@jjzone44 (917)
• United States
25 Nov 11
It's a good thing that you found out early that he has these feelings, and you did not take your relationship any further. No matter the circumstances why you had a child, the fact is you have one and she is part of you. If someone wants to have a relationship with you, that includes your daughter as well. Some people are not the domestic type, they want to be simply 1 on 1 with their mate. Other people don't think that way. I have dated people in the past who had children and that was never an issue. That was not the issue why we did not work out either. It's good he at least was honest with you and did not lead you on, knowing full well it was not something he wanted permanently. Don't be sad, be happy that you found out early. And you will find someone that the 3 of you can have a good relationship.
@shaggin (26755)
• United States
25 Nov 11
He found out after a week that you had a child? I think that should have been talked about right from the beginning and then the relationship wouldnt have developed any further and you wouldnt have had your heart broken in the end. Any guy that I date knows I have kids but I do not let the men around my kids so its not a burden to them anyway. They know they arent going to by my kids father figure.
2 people like this
@hvedra (1623)
25 Nov 11
It's very easy to say things like "the past is not important" it's a lot harder to live up to the declaration. He was probably saying something he thought might make him look good. Now, just to play devil's advocate for a minute: having a child and taking on responsibility for a child is a big thing and something he might not be ready for or want to do EVER. This is something you should be aware of when meeting potential partners and I think you should always inform them straight away that you have a child. If you think about it, anyone who is going to be a good partner for you is going to become involved in your childs life in an influential and possibly even parental role. That's a huge thing for anyone to take on so this is why you need to tell them. From your and your child's point of view, you only want a new partner who would be willing to take on that kind of role anyway so, again, get it out in the open as soon as possible. If they say they are not ready for that, don't take it too personally or assume that they don't like you, they just might not be able to cope with the whole package. I hope you find someone that you can be happy with. Good luck.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
25 Nov 11
Hi Hireyes, Welcome to Mylot! I was a single mom with 4 kids. This guy that seemed so perfect for you is far from it. As you already noticed ...too judgmental and does not accept your child. It is good that he came right out and said that at the start. You have no idea as to how many men will pretend to care about your child just to get closer to you. This guy should be commended for his honesty, at least. You and your child are a package deal. When looking for a partner,you need to be aware that he is compatable with not only you but your child as well or it'll never work long term. My experience has been that a lot of men want to take over with the discipline etc. It's not impossible. There are men out there that will accept your child. Just take your time...the right one will come along. Learn to be ok with being a single mom and you won't be so apt to take in a guy just to fill a void. best of luck to you!
@smacksman (6076)
25 Nov 11
I think the most important lesson you can take away from this experience is that it takes more than a few dates to get to know someone. Just imagine the future disaster if he had not said what he felt and then dumped you after a year of marriage. What trauma for your little girl. I wonder why people think it is so important that a couple should always like the same things. Isn't it more fun to learn about and experience each others interests and hobbies and then decide later just to let them 'do their own thing' if you find you can't enthuse over soccer or baseball? Time apart from each other is just as important as time together. What is most important is mutual trust. Anyway, enough moralising from old Uncle Smacksman. What do I know? Good luck to you and welcome to Mylot.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Nov 11
Some people just choose not to be parents. I know you mentioned having the same goal in life as this man, but if parenthood is one of your goals and it is not one of his, it's for the best that you two went separate directions. If I were still single, I wouldn't consider a man with a child. Nothing against the child; parenthood simply isn't for me and to force the situation is only hurtful to all involved (and can you imagine how horrible it would be for the child?). Also, it might be a morality issue with him; raising someone else's child isn't an easy job, and it should always be a choice for the person coming into the relationship. I don't think he necessarily is close minded for his choice; it sounds as if his life direction is completely different than yours. You chose to have the child in one way or another, and he did not. Only one of you is in a situation where you can back out of parenthood, and it happened to be him. I'd be happy you found your differences way early on, and find a man who is open to a woman with a child.
1 person likes this
@andy77e (5170)
• United States
26 Nov 11
Fear not. Don't worry about those who don't want a blended family, just focus on doing what you need to. Eventually someone will come along, but it may take awhile. Going forward, I would tell people pretty quickly in the relationship that you have a child. Don't turn it into a sob story about how guys don't want a girl with a child, because that's emotional manipulation. Just bring it up when it comes up. I have to go and pick up my little girl, see you tomorrow. It would be better to let the guy know ahead of time, than to get wrapped up in a relationship, and then find out he doesn't want a blended family.
1 person likes this
@Genericbe (1379)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
I think your situation happens to anybody also out there, the sad part of it was "WHY when you have the right person can possibly be will have to make restrictions to important things when can be arranged in a more acceptable reasons" You know, there are some people who we tend to know partly as fast in days or weeks and tend to see the true color as same as fast then, at least you are able to know his true boundaries in life and that you will not be expecting more and able to save some good things more from what you have shared. I think if that Guy really do love you in serious mode? he will learn to accept more of your situation, and how it was very difficult for a single parent like to be carrying all these trials alone with your kid. Pretty sure, You are lucky enough because after your unpleasant happening in life when you got pregnant, still you are able to love another person meaning able to cope up from those things you may have corrected before or changed at all. And, in this realization, you will treasure most your child because , if everyone left you because of that immature reasoning they cannot love you by having a kid already? your child will be the only one left precious for you as you continue your struggle in life. DO not worry at all no, for those will serve you as guiding tool that if ever there will come another guy this time? I know when given the proper time, You even do not have to worry about accepting your kid, for a truly person who loves will learn to accept the reality it has, and also learn to accept also those people whom you love. So what if they cannot love you for that reason having a kid? anyway, the love of your child to you is the best ever reward in life which will inspire you to move on with life and enjoy other great things. Maybe, the right person for you are intended to come in a place where you least find and expect for him, or even just around looking and guiding at you. To that, we don't know. BUt, just fight and prove that a woman like you may have not given that chances to have a good life before may have still a good start of new life now. You rely on your strengths and not on other people who will discriminate you.
2 people like this
@Genericbe (1379)
• Philippines
25 Nov 11
I think your situation happens to anybody also out there, the sad part of it was "WHY when you have the right person can possibly be will have to make restrictions to important things when can be arranged in a more acceptable reasons" You know, there are some people who we tend to know partly as fast in days or weeks and tend to see the true color as same as fast then, at least you are able to know his true boundaries in life and that you will not be expecting more and able to save some good things more from what you have shared. I think if that Guy really do love you in serious mode? he will learn to accept more of your situation, and how it was very difficult for a single parent like to be carrying all these trials alone with your kid. Pretty sure, You are lucky enough because after your unpleasant happening in life when you got pregnant, still you are able to love another person meaning able to cope up from those things you may have corrected before or changed at all. And, in this realization, you will treasure most your child because , if everyone left you because of that immature reasoning they cannot love you by having a kid already? your child will be the only one left precious for you as you continue your struggle in life. DO not worry at all no, for those will serve you as guiding tool that if ever there will come another guy this time? I know when given the proper time, You even do not have to worry about accepting your kid, for a truly person who loves will learn to accept the reality it has, and also learn to accept also those people whom you love. So what if they cannot love you for that reason having a kid? anyway, the love of your child to you is the best ever reward in life which will inspire you to move on with life and enjoy other great things. Maybe, the right person for you are intended to come in a place where you least find and expect for him, or even just around looking and guiding at you. To that, we don't know. BUt, just fight and prove that a woman like you may have not given that chances to have a good life before may have still a good start of new life now. You rely on your strengths and not on other people who will discriminate you.
2 people like this
@surfer222 (1715)
• Indonesia
25 Nov 11
How old is your (ex)boyfriend? Maybe he was shock that suddenly it's not just dating anymore and feel like he's suddenly have to be some sort of (half)parent too. He don't know how to react so he decided to break up with you. Maybe next time you should say that you have a kid when you want to start dating so anyone who date you surely ready for a serious relationship.
2 people like this
@zralte (4186)
• India
25 Nov 11
I don't understand why you were 'forced' to have a baby. Blackmailed how? Anyway, you are much better off without this guy. He told you the past does not matter but when he's confronted with your past, he bolted and ran. Take care of your little girl and you will meet someone. You are still very young, so there is no hurry to meet a guy.
2 people like this
@umesh9889 (201)
• India
25 Nov 11
U seems to be a very brave and great gal. Hats off to you lady.There is no denying the fact that we all commit mistakes in life but escaping them is not the solution. You are doing a great job in upbringing your kid and that is so good.. Believe in good and be happy may be you find someone who is truly made for you..
2 people like this
@aerous (13475)
• Philippines
26 Nov 11
You right, friend. The guy is not open minded at all. Because if he loves you. He needs to accept everything in you. He must loves you just as what you are and not being you are... You child is not a reason for anyone to love you. What you need is someone who really loves you and your kid... You find someone to love because you want someone to care for you and your kid. I wish you found a guy who really loves you and accept you everything what you are...and who you are.
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8711)
• Netherlands
26 Nov 11
Quit with that relationship. If he loves you he doesn't care if you have 1 or 10 kids! You will find that guy I can promise you that. Unless you don't believe in yourself, you don't act as a strong person with self esteem and you keep finding good reasons for your daughter why a man should accept her. Be happy with the great person you are! With the great daughter you have and don't waste time on useless men. BTW: your bf was still a virgin as you met him? He has no past?
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Nov 11
Hi! Yes it is hard for some to accept single parenthood. He could have made the effort to accept you and your daughter (and I am sorry he didn't) but on the plus side, he was honest with you right away. You deserve better and from someone who won't judge you just because you have a child. I know you're disappointed and I do hope you will find someone who will treat you and your daughter well. :-) Hang in there! There is that special someone but in the meantime, be there for her. :-) Best wishes!
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Nov 11
Welcome to Mylot Hireyes1. I think this so called boyfriend did you a favor by dumping you so quickly. You don't need anyone in your life who will not accept your child. The first thing you need to do when you are considering going with someone is to tell them right off that you have a daughter. Don't spring it on him a week later.. tell him right away, and he can accept or reject you right then. Your daughter should be your first priority in your life, more important than any man. It's not fair to children to have men (or women) coming in and out of their lives as the relationship partner for a single parent. It's just not fair to them. The kids, I feel, should be sheltered a bit from our romantic lives, because they tend to love a partner, and then when it is over they have to suffer that loss. What I can't stand is when kids are allowed to call a boyfriend 'daddy' and then when there is a breakup .. the little one ends up wondering why 'daddy' doesn't love them anymore. I think he did you a great favor. I think when it is right, you will know it is right for you and your child.
1 person likes this
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
26 Nov 11
Next time let the guy know up front that you have a child. The fact that you say "he found out that i a have a kid" shows that you were not open and honest up front. Dont you think that would be a better way to start.
1 person likes this