Do you try to change others?

@Pose123 (21667)
Canada
August 16, 2012 6:54am CST
Trying to change someone is a waste of time. The very thought is saying that they are not good enough as they are. Such an idea is filled with judgment and disapproval. It is not a thought of appreciation or love, and will only bring separation between us and that person.We must look for the good in people to have more of it appear. As we look only for the good things in a person, we will be amazed at what our new focus reveals. Who agrees?
7 people like this
38 responses
@himzey (1321)
• India
16 Aug 12
Hi pose Absolutely, trying to change someone is a waste of time. Its better to put that much amount of effort on yourself. But here's an interesting scenario I would like to discuss. When you know something is wrong and may get your friends in trouble; be it a bad habit, you try to warn them constantly for their good. But sometimes the response comes- "Dude ! why do you even care.. it's got nothing to do with you.. i'm like this only.. so don't try to change me.." Clearly an example of your affection getting you into trouble.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Aug 12
I agree that it is a waste of time to try to change someone if they do not want to change. However, I also agree that if you care about a person and see him or her doing something that is or could be harmful, then it would be normal and natural to try to stop him or her from doing it. Yes, it is trying to change a certain aspect or behavior of the person, but it is done out of caring, and I think that not doing it, especially if you know that what they are doing could be very harmful to him or her, would be worse than trying to help.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
2 Sep 12
Hi himzey, I like purplealabaster's comment here.If we love someone and see them doing something that we know will get them into trouble, we can show them that we love and care about them, but we do not continue to nag them. The best way would be to live in such a way that the person will know that you will always be there for them, no matter what happens. Thank you for your response. Blessings.,
@fatlex06 (895)
• Philippines
31 Aug 12
I've tried changing others because I don't really like the way how they present themselves to others. But then I realized, it's not me who needs to change them but themselves. So what I do now is just advice them to change what might other people think is bad at their traits. It do works with my boyfriend. Haha. Thanks a lot.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Hi fatlex, It depends on many things but the most that we can ever do is help them change themselves. None of us are perfect, the best thing we can do is work on improving ourselves. We change more people by example than we do by what we say. Blessings.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Thank you for taking the time to response to this discussion. Blessings.
@Canellita (12058)
• United States
22 Aug 12
Your very first sentence sums it up: Trying to change someone is a waste of time. We should be more focused on developing ourselves and changing our own bad habits or improving our talents, etc. It is possible to lead by example and inspire someone else to change themselves.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Hi canellita, Thank you for responding and we agree. Blessings.
@Canellita (12058)
• United States
10 Sep 12
To you also!
• India
18 Aug 12
Hello my friend Pose123 Ji, Well, I totally dare to deny. Change is in nature, by the nature and for the nature. Starting with basic idea, mother starts changing everything of her child from first moment itself. We are totally changed at the schools/colleges/etc etc. Our life too undergoes total changes during life time as we advance in age. May God bless You and have a great time
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi maygodblessu, I totally agree with you! We are always changing but it is ourselves that we must change, not another. It is of course, the parents responsibility to teach the child to obey the law, to respect the rights and opinions of others, to show love and compassion and so forth, but when the child becomes an adult he/she may not agree with everything the parent says or does, and that is their right. We are changed by our experiences, but no one person has the right to tell another that I'm right and you're wrong and you must change. We can never change another, only influence their thoughts. The final decision is theirs. Thank you for sharing your views. Blessings.
1 person likes this
• India
4 Sep 12
Hello my friend Pose123 Ji, Well, I think time has totally changed, so this concept has emerged. Even, after becoming adult some change names , religions etc. I totally deny. There are certain tyhings, which can not be changed. One has to agree, absolutely no denial. I also understand, when someone agrees , it is too late to realize. May God bless You and have a great time
@adforme (2116)
16 Aug 12
I wouldn't say I try to change others. Seeing good in someone is quite positive. I think some people could benefit from being the best they can. If one needs to work on something, maybe someone he or she loves can put it to attention. I guess "change" with respect for the better is relative to the issue(s). Anyway, we all choose to know someone for a variety of reasons. How well we choose to know someone is usually due to what one accepts and what one is looking for.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi adforme, Thank you for coming here and sharing your thoughts. We should always look for the good in others and the harder we look, the more good we will find. Of course, we could also find things to disapprove of too, but I try to remember that it is the same with me. People are not going to approve of everything about me either. The best that we can do is to work on ourselves and teach by example. Blessings.
@adforme (2116)
5 Sep 12
I agree. We come to accept more about a person the closer we choose to get to them. How much we choose to accept is dependent on the person and who we are. Blessings to you as well.
• India
3 Sep 12
Hi friend, you are right, it is really hard to change other person unless they come forward to change them selves, we can try our maximum to keep us in a right way and avoid bad persons friendship to enjoy our life
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Hi vidhyaprakash, Thank you for responding. Blessings.
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
31 Aug 12
I used to, before I started my inner work in 2006 that's when I realized that the change has to start within, with myself what other people do with their lives, is their choice as with my life, what I do with it, is what matters so I learned to always start within, everything because others is just reflections of within as within so without, as above so below
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Hi LittleMel, That is excellent and you have really hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.
@Pegasus72 (1901)
29 Aug 12
changing a person and giving them a slight push to be a better person are two very different things. It took over 18 years but my husband finally quite smoking, which is wonderful.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
8 Sep 12
Hi Pegasus, Thank you for responding. Just remember that you may have given him a puch but it was he who quit smoking. Blessings.
• United States
19 Aug 12
Hi! Like you, it's next to impossible to change people as they either have to want to do it themselves or events have to take place to make them consider it. For example, you can't force an alchoholic to change his ways...he has to want it on his own and be strong enough to see it through.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi Cricket, You are absolutely right. Thank you for responding. Blessings.
• Mexico
19 Aug 12
Hi Pose: I have sometimes tried to change others but I've found that this is actually a big mistake. The only person I can change is myself and it's better to focus on the positive things about a person. I agree with you. If I appreciate someone I can give him/her and advice. Just once. No more or I'd be trying to force this friend to change which is not would. If this person takes my advice, that's great but if not I should have to remember that we love people for what they are, not for what we want that they┬┐d be. ALVARO
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi starsailover, Thank you for responding and eventually we all reach the same conclusion, trying to change another, to make them over into someone like us, is a mistake. We are all unique individuals and should be proud to be who we are. Naturally, I'm not talking about things like talking a friend out of driving after he/she has been drinking, that would just be the right thing to do. Trying to get another to attend church for example, when they have no interest, may not even believe in God, is something else that is very wrong. We are just trying to force our opinions on them. I think that we should all stick to changing ourselves, who is the one person we can really change anyway - and that I've found to be the work of a lifetime. Blessings.
@teamrose (1499)
• United States
17 Aug 12
I certainly don't agree that trying to change someone is a waste of time. There are countless numbers of people whose lives have been totally turned around by spouses, clergy, friends, family or just a caring person. When I see a person on a downward spiral, I feel it's my Christian duty to try to get them to see the light, straighten up and fly right. Of course most people will not appreciate self-help advice, but then you will find that one person that truly needed someone in their life was helped by you.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi teamrose, Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this discussion and while it's true that we can offer advice, we cannot change the person. They must do that for themselves. I think too that we have to be very careful about trying to change another, as often it may be us who need to change. I don't know what you mean by a downward spiral, but it may be something that the person has to experience to gain understanding. Naturally, there are things that we should try to stop a friend from doing, such as driving after he/she has been drinking, as another responder mentioned. Remember what you call flying right is your opinion and may not be anothers. Our job is to work on ourselves so that we will be the best spouse,the best parent, the best friend that we can possibly be if we want to influence others. Unless the person is breaking the law or hurting another, we have no right to judge them as wrong. Love is the best teacher. Blessings.
• United States
17 Aug 12
You said this better than I ever could have. Thanks Pose. We can change ourselves but we can't change anyone else.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi pointlessQuestions, I hope that you are keeping well and thank you for responding to my discussion. I think we all have plenty of work changing ourselves and indeed if there is a way to influence others that would be it. Blessings.
• United States
17 Aug 12
I agree that trying to change others is a waste of time. I have enough trouble changing myself, never mind trying to change someone else. I firmly believe our best effort should be to love others just the way they are, accepting our differences. This does not mean, however, that I cannot choose to associate with like-minded people.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi abitosunshine Thank you for responding and clearly you have the right idea. Blessings.
• United States
17 Aug 12
I think that it depends upon the person, your relationship with him or her, and what you are trying to change about that person. If the person is doing something that might hurt themselves or others, then I think that it would be a good thing to try to change that behavior, because you are trying to help keep the person from making a big mistake that they would regret for the rest of their lives. For example, if a person was going to drive drunk, then I think the best thing would be to try to stop the person from doing it, even though you are trying to change them ... it is not only for their own safety but also the safety of everybody else on the road with them. On the other hand, if the person bites his or her nails and you do not like that habit, then I don't think you should try to change that behavior, because it is not really harmful to anybody.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi purplealabaster, The example you give is an excellent one and I think everyone here would agree that it would be best to change his or her mind at the time. However, even at such times, our success often depends on how we go about it. I know a man who will sometimes drink and drive and both his wife and mother constantly nag him about it and warn him of the consequences. The fact is he already knows that what they are saying is true, but he has now turned a deaf ear to them. The best that most of us can do is work on changing ourselves, so that we become more loving, compassionate and understanding. Blessings.
• United States
17 Aug 12
I agree 100%! When you say to a person I need you to change . You are saying they are not good enough in their natural state. That And for many it is a sign they will Never be satisfied. Once they want you to change this about yourself and then that and pretty soon , you are not yourself!The sad part, there is someone out there who is naturally what they seem to want. But for some reason they are not out there looking. Does this mean they are too lazy to keep searching or just too insecure?
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi sarahruthbeth, The only person that we should try to change is ourselves and if we are honest, we will agree that there is plenty there for one lifetime. Thank you for your response. Blessings.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 12
You have a point, changing someone is a waste of time. If you love someone you will accept all of him. There may be behaviors and attitudes that the person possess that you disapprove, but you don't need to change him. You can just suggest or advise him about better things. Advising doesn't mean changing. It means caring to someone. And if that person respects and loves you back, he doesn't need to be changed because he will just do it for you. The important things are acceptance and respect. If you want to gain respect from others, you should show them respect too.
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi chikahdorah, Trying to change another will only cause problems whether we are talking about a spouse or a friend. The best that any of us can do is work on the changes that we need to make in our own lives. As you say accept the other for who they are and show respect if we want to receive respect. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Blessings.
@sjvg1976 (18407)
• Delhi, India
17 Aug 12
Hello Pose, I fully agree with it. I tried to change many of my good friends but that always made a distance between me and them and finally I realized it that its their life and I have nothing to do with it.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi sjvg, That is usually what happens when we try to change our friends. We must remember that we would not appreciate others trying to change us, yet we must all admit that we are not perfect. Our friends will change over time and though it may shock some people to hear it, we will all change as well. Thank you for your comments. Blessings.
@silverfox09 (4727)
• United States
16 Aug 12
I don't set out to change people and I don't think anyone set out to change me but some times we change without even notice . I think you change based on the company you are around and people will say they change you but if its for the better I have no problem . I remember hating public speaking but my friend help me and I welcome that change because now I am a better person. I used to be kinda selfish and my fiance change that without ever doing anything forceful , I just wake up one day and notice I am kind and more caring to others feeling , I love him for that and I tell him every day he make me a better person and I am not ashamed to admit it , like wise I change him a lot also . At the end of the day we are better that yesterday , We bring out the best in each other .
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi siverfox, Thank you for sharing but it was you who made the changes to yourself. I think it's great that you feel you have changed for the better and both your friend and your fiance obviously knew how to help you make that change. I am willing to bet that he did not nag you or argue with you every day because that would have had the opposite effect. Blessings.
@MandaLee (3738)
• United States
16 Aug 12
I do not try to change others. I try to love and accept people for who they are, even when I don't approve of them. Trying to change someone is hurtful and judgemental.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi MandaLee, You are right, trying to change another is both hurtful and judgemental. I always try to remember that they may not approve of how I live my life either, but I wouldn't want them to try to change me. Thank you for your response. Blessings.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
16 Aug 12
Agree Pose....you shouldn't try to change someone into what you want them to be....and if they are living up to your expectations...then you have to remember this....chart your course for yourself...head in the direction you want to go...you can't change what others do but you must do it yourself! And there is tons of good in everyone!
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21667)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
Hi jillhill, Thank you for a great response and of course we agree. Blessings.