I want to save my marriage - ideas?  

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oh I see well that's horrible if he doesn't find you attractive because you gained weight and congrats on losing the pounds. I don't know what else to tell you, sorry i couldn't give you better advice. good luck anyway.

I hope I don't upset you, but is there any possibility at all that maybe he's met someone else? I am only asking because he sounds more like he want's out then to be married. Something has happened the last couple of months, can you think of anything at all that may have happened, if not an affair? I commend you for wanting to stay in your marriage, I too have been married a little over 5 years and it is not the happiest marriage either, I think if you feel it is something else other then an affair I would keep doing what you are doing and try to make it work, if there was an affair, then I would do a lot of praying and I guess decide what you feel is best for you. Gods Blessings to you.

GNCD - Please see my comment to response 16 to explain the affair thing.

First I wanted to say I think most (if not all) women empathize with you. In some form , shape or sense..we have all been there.

I also wanted to sugguest this site (I make NO profit or earrings from it)..because it has helped me tremdously.

Ok...http://www.MortFertel.com

or do your own google search for "help my marriage".

I do wish you the best of luck and love..you may or may not have a long road ahead of you.

Also, and I do NOT know your religious /spirtual beliefs..but sometimes it helps me to try to figure out how I contributed to the situation. And then try to erase or ease the "problem".

There also is a lady by the name of "Rori Raye" that you might want to look up.

Hope some of this helps.

Tammie
http://tlcpro.com/lifechanges

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I think he is depressed but he says he isn't. I think there is more to this then what he is saying. I know there isn't another girl or any thing but I think its more along the lines of he needs to help himself for a while.

I agree that communication is vital in a relationship, but I can't make him talk. I will talk till I am blue in the face and honestly I get more of a response from the walls then him.

Depression is a tough one. For a long time I didn't realize it myself. Even when Tim said something I denied it and said I was fine. No matter what make sure that he always knows that you are there for him. Don't ever let him forget that one. I know that its hard and you get tired of talking and always being the one talking. But we do not want him to forget it. Somehow someway you need to get through the barriers that he has built up.

I am hoping that the during the marriage counseling we can figure out what is really bothering him. Thank you for all your input - its appreciated greatly. Just talking about it helps. And as one of the responders pointed out its hard to talk to (close) friends and family about it because if things work out - they may be critical because of what they know.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

Yes we have a daughter she is 19 months old.
No there is no third party. Neither one of us have time to cheat.
The marriage was not forced upon.

I believe your last statement is true but its not what I want to hear or believe.

Well I cannot give any advice right now since I am seeing that your husband is refusing to have your marriage workout. Maybe during one of your sessions the true reasons behind his giving up the marriage might be revealed and you might as well decide too to give up or fight something that is not worth fighting for.

Yes I agree that in time I will figure out the real reason and at that point decide if its time to just let go. Thank you!

Again not to upset you, but a person never knows for a fact, unless you follow him everywhere he goes. I have heard of workplace affairs, know matter what the job is. Heck my husband is a mechanic and told me when he worked at his old job, one of his co-workers (who was married) went in the bathroom with a female friend that they all knew and had relations with her in the bathroom, right there in the shop. Most of the times they say the spouse is always the last to know.

GNCD - I'm not trying to be rude - But again I know for a fact my husband isn't seeing some one else. I know he is not screwing some one else. Becuase you don't live our life you wouldn't understand but I do know for a fact that my husband isn't cheating on me. Cheating is NOT the issue.

gncd - cheating does not have to be the only reason. When my ex became abusive I knew he was not cheating on me. He also pretty much alienated me from my family - I stopped doing things with them in order to try and be 'the good wife' and not give him any reason to get all over me. It didn't help.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I know in my brain that every thing you just said is true. But my heart doesn't want it to be. I have heard the statement follow your heart so many times, but my heart is telling me to fight for my marriage. And the realty is I can't do it alone.

All I know is I am not filing for a divorce if he wants one then he needs to take the iniciative and file. Its hard because he goes back and forth so much - saying I want to work it out - I don't want to - I want to - I don't want to.

I know I should make the decision for him and leave but I'm affraid that if I do that I will lose him - If I stay then I still have a chance. I'm holding on to that hope because I truly love him and truly want to be with him.

I guess I my fighting it is good in a way - I just don't want to work it out for now and 6 months down the road be back here. I don't want to prolong the inevitable. I will fight till the end. Until he files for a divorce I will fight for him.

Yes the communication was basically non existant. I talk he doesn't. I really talk, I really tell him what is on my mind how I am feeling, and every thing else. He is the type of person to hold it all in and explode all at once. I knew he wasn't really happy but when I would ask him what was going on I didn't receive an answer.

I want to agree that he wants what we had, but when I say we can have it again we have to work on it. He says he doesn't want to work on it. It should just be there. I say no a marriage takes work even a good one.

Every marriage takes work, heck, every RELATIONSHIP takes work. People who do not think so never take into account why long marriages and long friendships survive, even through things like geographical distance due to jobs, deployments, or simply moving away from somebody. It is definitely all in communication, AND (you'll think this is funny) in the way you fight. Everything is not fair in love and war. If you love somebody, you may disagree, FERVENTLY disagree at that, but because you love them you would (or should) be more likely just to let them disagree and not start cussing and screaming at them and calling them an idiot because you don't agree. EB, not only is your husband refusing to communicate, he has the wrong idea about marriage. A good marriage may LOOK easy. My best friend's husband has the same problem. He thinks he does not have to communicate with her, but he expects her to read his mind! He also believes for some odd reason that MY husband thinks like he does and therefore comes to the same conclusions he does, which could not be further from the truth. He also figures that since my husband and I don't have many problems, that I must be bending over backwards kissing his butt, which is again pretty far from the truth. My husband is not a controlling nutjob, like my ex lol.

Communication is horriable - I talk he doesn't. Please see above comments for more on that.

I am honest with him about every thing - he is honest with me when he talks.

Nope no third party - I know it for a fact.

I agree that a trial seperation would do us some good. I WILL fight this till the end. I WILL fight for my marriage. I won't just give up on 5 years and the promiss I made to him. I promissed to love for better or worse. This is one of the bad times but I still have a glimmer of hope it will work it self out. I may be wrong but I'm not giving in until I HAVE to.

Thats my point - how do I make him want to stay. What do I have to do? He asked that I change a few things and I have been working on them. They are not things I can change over night - All I ask for is time and for him to try.

You have to explain to him that you can't change over night and I don't think that he should expect you to but, if you aren't making a full effort to it then he will see that as well. Marriage are very hard to make work. It is more difficult if you both want different things. If you have good communication it will make your work much less hard. I don't have good communication with my husband, I wish I did because it would make our marriage so much better. Yes we can talk about general things but anything else pretty much turns into a huge verbal fight about different things. I stay in my marriage because I know that my husband is a good man, he just lacks communication skills, I have asked him to change that, and he is and is working hard at it. I know that he won't change over night and when I feel that everything is right back to the way it was before, I tell him. It's so difficult and I really hope and wish you all of the very best!

He knows I can't change over night. I am already seeing the differance in myself I don't see a differance in him. I communicate with him - he doesn't talk to me. Talking to a wall gets more response. My husband is a great man in many ways. Its just the part where he does't talk so every thing builds up and in the end he explodes, not physcially not even loudly just says every thing at once. Things that I am like where did that come from. And it was some thing that happened 3 months ago. We don't fight. I fight some times but he doesn't and if I get loud he will leave the room. I could be nicer but at times I just don't want to I just want to get it out.

The two of you sound like me and my husband. I never yelled, he always yelled. I would open up and tell him things and he would yell at me, so then I shut down and didn't want to tell him things because he yelled at me for the way that I felt. I found myself talking to my best friend because he didn't yell at me he would just listen and try to give me a "man's point of view" it really helped a lot. Then I told my husband I was leaving because I couldn't be in a marriage where he wanted me to tell him what was wrong but then when I did he yelled at me about it. After all this time of him yelling at me, I have become a yeller as well. We are both working to make the other one happy. It will take a long time for our marriage to heal but I know that we can do it. His biggest complaint about me is that I am not a touchy person. I don't hold his hand enough hug him enough so on. He doesn't understand that certain parts of my past prevent me from doing this. But, I try every day (well not this week because I have poison ivy and don't want to touch anything and spread it). It is so very hard. But, no one ever said marriage was easy so we both continue to try.

I know that I need to work on my communication as does he. I need to learn to effectivly communicate and he needs to just learn to communicate period. Thank you for all your input. Your comments have been very helpful and it is nice to talk about it to an outside person. I hope that I didn't make him sound horriable as he really is just the oppsite. He really is a great person he just needs to work on some of his own personal issues before we can work on "our" issues.

Nope not horriable. I know that it takes two, and that sometimes just venting ranting whichever really helps you feel better! It's probably best you do it here and not at home so that you don't say things that you really don't mean.

It still sounds like counseling is the best idea, or even a marriage communication class. Maybe you can box it up that he's helping YOU and HIMSELF if he learns how to communicate, and that he won't have to say 'I don't know' about everything when he realizes it is not so hard to just talk about things. Because he's the type to just let things go and bottle up and pile up under the rug, it seems like he's afraid to just mention things when they happen. Is there any reason for this? You say that you don't fight with him much and you don't get loud, so what reason would he have for being concerned or worried about telling you something?

I'm just mentioning it because it makes me curious. For instance, I have some issues with my dad. I'm grown and married and I have my own kids, but I don't think he honestly sees past the time I was about four, or maybe twelve. Either way, it is not appropriate. Anyhow, BECAUSE of the way he would react to anything I shared with him when I was younger and even NOW, I stopped communicating with him. It was much easier to deal with my life and any of the fallout I caused myself without having to deal with any crap I got from him. I effectively avoided him for quite awhile but recently it all caved in on me because I talked to him about something because I thought I could trust him. Turns out I can't. He brought up all sorts of ugly resentful things that HE still hasn't gotten over and it was really shocking and hurtful to me. Since I know I could never do something like that to my daughters or my son, I asked him why, and how he could justify it. He never did answer, just decided he was right and I was wrong and there was nothing I could do about it.

Maybe... is your husband acting this way because of something in his past? Some behaviors like bottling up everything, walking away every time, confronting every time, these are defense mechanisms that we build up in response to things we have had to deal with that make things more tolerable for us. It doesn't necessarily contribute to a good relationship.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

The problem is he wants a divorce and I don't. If I knew why he wanted it this would be easier. He says we grew apart. I don't agree. I asked him to tell me how we grew apart. I asked for an example - he can't give me one.

I have tried to talk - he doesn't talk to me any more. Even if I ask him a direct question. I could ask him do you want some thing to drink - and I would be lucky to get an answer.

Plain and simple, the more you hold on the more he is going to pull away. If he doesn't already, he is going to begin to resent you. I tried to make things work with my ex when he went through what your partner seems to be going through. It came down to that I loved him enough to let him go and be happy even if it meant being happy without me.
You need to let him go figure out what he wants. If he really does love you then he will come back. My ex did come back, but I had realized that I was happier without him. It was really hard on him, but he thought he needed to be away from me. The separation made him realize that I was not the problem and how wonderful we were together.
People think that marriage really is supposed to be happily ever after, but the truth is, with time, people become too comfortable, and the relationship starts to get redundant, especially if you marry too young. I have a feeling you both married too young. Maybe not. But if so, he probably needs to figure out what life means to him and he needs to do it freely without feeling tied down. Don't worry too much because if your relationship is as good as you say, it will all come back aroubd to wanting a person in his life that will love him like you already do. And hopefully, you'll still do.
For now, stop pushing him to talk. He'll only resent you. He has already shut off so give him his space. Divorce isn't necessary yet. Just separate. And I will tell you the secret to getting him back.
Move on with your life. Don't be chasing nor waiting for him. Find joy in your life and don't bother him. He will begin to freak out at the possibility of really losing you. But the more you seem desperate, or even just anxious about getting back together, and the more you make an effort, the easier it will be for him to stay away.
The last thing I said to my ex, as I sobbed, when I finally gave in to his request to separate was "I want you to be happy. And if being happy means me being out of your life, then I love you that much to let you go." I gave him a big hug and a strong kiss on the lips and turned around and walked away. I didn't call him or bother him at all after that. It tore me up inside, but I truly wanted him to be happy and I mourned his loss like a death of a spouse and then I decided to move on. And slowly I did. All the while, he became interested in me again like in the beginning because I didn't pursue. And he tried to woo me again. But I had really moved on and the tables turned on him. I am still happier without him.
By the way, to be able to move forward you need to close that chapter. Forgive yourself for not being able to make it work, even if you did nothing wrong, you'd be surprised to find that there is some guilt there. And accept it as life. It happens. Start your new life when you're ready. And if your relationship blossoms again, then start a brand new chapter and let the past go. Good luck and God bless!

When we married I was 20 he was 28. We are now 24 and 32. Yes that was young for me and possbily him too. But I knew from the moment I looked at him he was my one. The one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still do. Its up to him. He at this point doesn't know. I just want him to make a decision. If its a divorce fine I will accept that. As for seperating. Thats not going to help. We already live as if we are seperated. I work days he works evenings and we see each other on Saturdays and Sunday mornings. The last few weeks we haven't spent our Sats or Suns together either.

Please see other comments for more info if you would like.

I say "stop talking"!! He probably feels like you are talking him to death! It's like "beating the proverbial dead horse to death". Let him wonder what's wrong with you for a change. Detach yourself like he's done. Make yourself do it. Give him a dose of his own medicine. Furthermore, remember you can't make someone love you. However, being a female, you should be able to come up with a few tricks of your own that will at least make him wonder what's wrong with you for a change. Besides, this "for better or worse" crap is for the birds. Whoever thought that one up was either a glutton for punishment or a sadist. In addition, people change and moreover, they change their minds. Now either he's going to change his mind and work on it or he's not. Either he's going to communicate or he's not. Sounds to me like this is just his personality. He probably was never very talkative and has always kept things (many things) to himself and no matter how we as women want to change men, they just don't change and they don't WANT to change. They want us to change instead. Can you do that? Do you want to do that? Or, even if you do, will it be only temporary? And if he changes, it will most likely be temporary for sure. People have to be themselves. Let him go. Let him go. Let him goooooooo!! and you will either finally be able to go on with your life (after the tears) and find someone new who LIKES to communicate or at least doesn't upset you to the point of getting sick yourself or he will come back to you...because the way things are right now, you are probably having headaches, muscle spasms, nausea, loss of appetite or eating too much, running to the bathroom, bouts of crying or all of the above...or any number of other physical and/or psychological problems and most likely so is he. Not a healthy situation no matter how you look at it. Also, since he is the type that keeps things to himself for a long time, I wonder how long it actually took him to get up the courage to ask for a divorce. How long? ...it sure wasn't days or weeks. It was probably months or maybe even years!! Now how long is it going to take you before you wake up too? Do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy before it's too late. You are still young. For heaven's sakes, don't waste any more TIME. It passes by so quickly. More than likely, it's not going to work out if he doesn't WANT it to no matter how much YOU want it to work. Maybe you are just putting off the inevitable. Be glad that you've not been married and invested 15 or 20 years in this unhappy marriage. Be glad you have a daughter to love. Be glad you have a job. Be glad he was finally honest with you. Be glad you probably have family and friends to help you through a transitional period. Finally, just be glad to be alive and well enough and smart enough to take care of yourself and your child who loves you and needs a happy mommy more than you need Mr. Mute!!

You are right in that he was never much of a talker – it has become worse just in the last few months. When he says he started thinking about divorce. You ask me if I can change – yeah I can I need to know WHAT to change before I can change it. I know a few things I need to change for me not for him – I feel that if I change the things I need to change for me things with us will be better.

I’m sorry but I totally disagree with you on this statement you made... "for better or worse" crap is for the birds. Whoever thought that one up was either a glutton for punishment or a sadist” I know a few couples that really have been trough better and worse then worse and they were willing to work things out. At least they were willing to TRY. That’s half the point. My husband doesn’t know if he wants to try. I can’t comprehend that. If he and I had been talking about this before or I knew he was having these feelings before it would be different if there had been an effort I wouldn’t be trying so hard. My point is you can’t just decide I don’t want to do this any more and walk away. You have to figure out what the problem is work on it and if you do every thing you can to fix it and still it doesn’t work – fine walk away. BUT AT LEAST TRY!!!!

I won’t just walk away from the person I still want to spend the rest of my life with. I know I am young but time with him even during these hard times is still time well spent. You used the words “wasted time” Again some thing you and I disagree about. Time with my husband even if we divorce will never be time wasted or regretted. Time with him - good or bad will never feel wasted. Even if things don't work out the way I want I have learned a lot from him. I have a beautiful daughter because of him and no matter what he will always have a place in my heart. I will never regret any time spent with him. This hasn’t always been an unhappy marriage things started going down hill when I went back to work and we stopped seeing each other every day. At first it was fine but it has taken a toll on our relationship. Only seeing some one once a week is hard on a relationship. Especially when there is no attempt at one on one time. When we are together we like to spend the day as a family with our daughter not just us. I have asked him to work on his schedule but he chooses not to. I tried to change my schedule and that didn’t work out. My job is an 8 to 4 job no other shifts available. His is 3 to 11 and there are day shifts available. He doesn’t want to ask for a schedule change not even for one day a week or every other week.

I put a lot of effort into our relationship. He doesn’t – Why I don’t completely know I think with all that has happened to him in his life he is still afraid of being hurt and wants to be the one to hurt before it happens to him.

If my husband chooses to leave I will accept it but until he actually leaves and files for a divorce I will stay by his side and fight for our marriage, I will fight for the love we have, I will fight for our daughter to have more then we did. I don’t see divorce as an option right now. Not until we BOTH try and see what happens from there.