I want to save my marriage - ideas?

The problem is he can't make a final decision. Last week alone he changed his mind 6 or more times. On Monday he said he wanted a divorce on Tuesday he was talking about putting our house up for sale and buying a new house (neither one of us like the house we are in right now) On Wednesday he slept on the couch on Thursday it was our 4 year anniversay and he gave me a card and hand wrote "heres to a new beginging"

How do I handle that???? To me I should fight for what I believe in and I believe in us.

Hmmm.. well, you could try saying fine, file. Maybe he needs something to push him to really decide either way.

I don't think he knows either, to be honest. Maybe the counseling will help. Either way, it will be better when he DOES know, because then he can make a decision with a clear head. Even if he can't tell you what the answer is, the counselor may be able to figure it out based on the jumble of answers he gives in s separate session (without you there).

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

No offence but you really didn't get it. I have tried I am trying. I am doing every thing in my power to make things right. I am changing things I shouldn't have to change. Things that have always been one way now all of a sudden he doesn't like it any more.

I am willing to do any thing to save my marriage he is the one not willing to change any thing or try.

zeenat did u bother reading what she wrote. She is trying to save the marrage it is him that is saying no hope. And before making comments about her making him happy maybe should ask a few questions to find out what she has been trying to do to make him happy. you remind me of the type that think a wife is a husbands servernt and should put desires and dreams below that of her husbands am i right.

EB, it is not all up to you. Just you changing things will not solve the root of the problem. From what I have read so far, your husband thinks that good marriages are just 'there'. That is a lie. Good marriages take input and work and care and feeding from BOTH people in the marriage. It takes both people making it a priority, for want of sounding hokey, the 'love' of both their lives. He needs to change some things too. Tell me, what are some things you wish you could have from him, besides more open communication? Also, the things you are changing, are they really things that are shoring up your marriage or just petty things that your husband is snipping about to be snippy? There should be give and take - ie say he feels it would better your health to lose 10 lbs, then fine, but he would need to lay off talking about it unless it's to compliment you for a job well done. You could also say that you expect him to answer every time you talk to him, and he could work on that, even if it's just a few words each time. Compromise from both sides makes any compromise a lot easier.

He has said he still has love for me. But he doesn't know that he is "in love" with me. No there is no affair I know that for a fact. I want to convince him to stay and work it out but how do I do that?

Yeah I understand the "we" worked on it by that I mean "me". That is my situation I am working my butt off trying to fix things and all I get in return is "I don't know" I am SOOO freaking sick of those words. I can't decide if its worth the fight. I don't want to have this heartbreaking talk every 6 months but I don't want to give up either.

I guess I am to the point now where if I keep trying and he still files for a divorce or leaves then I will accept it. I just can't no I just WON'T give up. I'll fight till the end, because I believe in us.

Although every thing you said is true its not what I want to hear. I guess I am still holding on to the glimmer of hope that it will all be okay and things will work out.

I guess I am to the point now where if I keep trying and he still files for a divorce or leaves then I will accept it. I just can't no I just WON'T give up. I'll fight till the end, because I believe in us. Its in his hands. HE needs to make the choice and either way I'll accept it.

You have your answer then. Nothing will change your mind because you are set in your path and intend to keep fighting. Give it you all.

I think I read you have a child. This is in no way a judgment, but what you are going through is stressful for a child of any age. I'm sure you're sheltering her from any negativity. It's amazing what these kids soak up from what's going on around them!

So, hold on until he goes for the divorce. That's what you want and for you, that is the correct choice. You don't need to ask others what they think. You are strong in your beliefs.

All of these factors added together, I agree with your decision, because it's right for you.

Thank you. I agree that this could be stressful for a child. We do have a daughter who is 19 months. We don't discuss any thing around her and realty is we aren't both in the same room very often. Most of our talks are late at night and she is asleep.

I will fight for it till he ends it. Thank you for every thing you said I respect your opinion and appreciate every thing you have said.

I'm happy you settled things in your mind. Good luck with your plans.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

There is no affair. I know it for a fact. You would have to live a day in our live to understand it fully. But there is literally NO time for it. From when he gets up in the morning till its time for him to go to work he has our daugeter with him - he would NEVER bring her some where he shouldn't. When he is at work he is at work nothing more then that. After work IF by chance he goes out its with people from work that I know and would never cover for him. It is an EXTREAM rareity for him to go out after work. I can be sure with out a doubt he is not cheating. I know where he is at all times as he does me. Its not because I am demanding of knowing where he is - its just the way things are. Cheating is NOT the issue. He says that we have grown apart, but can't tell me how.

Ebsharer, I know what I told you in the other discussion you posted and I stand by it, I don't assume anything, but let me tell you a story: MY best friend's husband was/is a wonderful person. THey were so goog together even friends joked with them sometimes. Some of the friendly jokes were about the fact that they always went everywhere together. Even to go out with the dog he would ask her to go with him. He would go to work just at the exact time to be there on time, come back at the proper time to come straight without stopping anywhere. Other than that they were always together or if she wasn't there for some reason he was with the kids. Thye went grocery shopping together, they went out for coffee together, etc. etc. Very rarely he would go out with her cousin and some friends, and believe me the cousin would tell if something was going on.We would meet them often here and there, and they were always together.
One day he told her he didn't want to stay together anymore. She couldn't understand why. He couldn't explain why, he didn't know - he kept saying.She suggested counseling and he didn't want to go. He told her that it wasn't that things could not be fixed - they probably could - but he didn't really want to fix them. They did go to counseling but it didn't work that much, every time he went he was already defensive.
Turns out he actually was having an affair - with a coworker and during work time. Only during work time including lunches, brakes and well.... the time they should be working.The rest of the time, he was home or with my friend and kids. He never went out with his other woman outside work hours, he never called her, he never had contact with her outside the work time. THey did email each other but trough his work email.
Please don't think I am assuming anything. I'm not. Just telling you a real life story that I know is true because I was the one that my friend came to when she was confused and hurt, and I am the one that was able to give her all the emails they sent to each other. Neither of us could believe what we were seeing. Once someone goes to work we tend to think that what the person will be doing is work.
SO now it's my turn to tell you: never assume anything, you might be wrong.
WIsh you the best of luck and hope you are and your husband are able to work things out. By the way, my best friend did. And they went for counseling a second time, this time with all cards on the table. Counseling helped them but the main thing that helped was when all facts were known.

P.S I just want to stress here that I told you a real story, it doesn't mean that I am assuming that this is something even remotely close to your situation. Just that when I read your comment to the response I felt that your reason for thinking that is not an affair was based on the same premises as my friend have - How can it be if the only time he goes out alone is for work. What can he do at work? Well as it turned out, plenty.
SO I just meant to point to you that your reasoning for it not being an affair is flawed. It can happen. It doesn't mean that it's happening.
All the best to you.

arkaf - I understand your story and I feel for the woman in it. As I said in many comments you don't know our situation you won't know our situation so leave it go. My husband isn't cheating on me. I know he isn't. Cheating is not the issue. I have been cheated on before and at first I never would have believed it. But it is different with my husband. I know that there is always a loop hole but in less he is screwing some one in the back of his tow truck - he isn't cheating. And yes there is still more to it. As for my husband and my relationship - things are already starting to improve. Counsleing is working for us. We just need help communitaing right now. Thats the issue. That is what needs to be worked on. Thank you for yor response.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I agree that sticking to the marriage counsler is a good idea. I really didn't start this dicsussion for the responses I am getting. I was more looking for how people did things in there own marriage. Or experances others have had. The realty is every one here has made me think about one thing or another. Most have said the truth - that I should give in and let go, but I'm not ready for that. He is going to have to take that step and file for a divorce. If he choses to do that I will accept it. But untill then you can bet any thing I will fight for what I believe in ... and I belive in my marriage.

That you still believe in your marriage tells me a lot about your character, and I applaud you for that.

When you and your husband said "I do," I think I can safely say that nobody told you it would be peaches and cream forever. Right now you might be lacking both peaches and cream, but if you BOTH try hard enough they might reappear, just like the magic of your wedding day. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Your right no one told us it would be peaches and cream - In fact most told us the oppsite. I am trying with all my heart and soul - he is not. I believe he needs to work on himself for a while. I just hate to see us lose as a couple because he can't figure things out with himself and chooses to take the easy way out and leave. Thank you for the 'luck' I know we need it.

rjscott - she asked for what other people had encountered or done in similar situations. She was not asking 'complete strangers who are not professionals' to tell her what to do. Thanks for being so kind to the other readers here who were just trying to fulfill her request.*sarcasm*

Mommyboo:

The person who began the discussion certainly was not sarcastic in HER reply, so why the sarcasm from YOU?

When a person is vulnerable, as EBSharer appears to be at this time, it’s possible to jump at any suggestion that non-professionals advise and that could hamper efforts to reconcile.

Read my reply … but this time, take the time to READ it. I was not insulting of the person who began the thread and I was not insulting anyone who responded to it. I merely suggested that she be wary of suggestions offered by strangers who are not trained in the field of marriage counseling.

EBSharer asked for information on things others do to keep spice in their relationship. That’s the only advice she asked for in the original post (reread the original post too).

If you again, reread my replies, there is not an ounce of anything but consideration of the person who BEGAN the discussion. If EBSharer was not offended, why should you be? I replied honestly. I would think that’s the sort of response she wanted. Her MARRIAGE is at risk. Your EGO appears to be the only thing at risk based on your reply and I believe the more important of the two is her MARRIAGE.

Alright boys and girls calm down! (me being sarcastic)

Mommyboo I understand your point but no need to stick up for me on this one. RJSCOTT is right I should NOT take advice from people here. I would add to that I should take into consideration every thing that is said here. I know that I am not going to find the answer to my problems here but it is nice to talk about it and the more I do the more I learn about me. When I began this discussion it was about him and what I could do for him. The more I get into it the more I realize it’s what I can do for ME. What can I do for me that will in turn make him happier.

RJSCOTT – Thank you for your words as I said I do agree that I should leave things to the professionals. I want to say this discussion has opened my eyes to MANY things. I see that I am not the only one to have problems, I see that it’s not just him it is me too, I see that until he makes a decision on what HE wants I can’t make mine. As I have reduntely said I won’t give up I won’t leave. If he chooses to leave and file for a divorce I will accept it.

So Mommyboo I thank you for caring enough to be sure my feelings weren’t hurt. And RJ thank you for your honesty.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I am working on things he is not. I am trying he is not. I want it to work - he doesn't know. Its all very frusterating.

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I wish he and I had what you have. I know every thing isn't perfect in your marriage but it works and it seems to work WELL.

I agree I need to get back into a Church with or with out him. I drove by one the ohter day I think I am going to try. Service is at 10:30. I don't think I have ever prayed this often.

I am working on the things he wants me to change. I just wish he would do the same. I feel like I am giving my all and getting nothing back. I guess time will tell.

I can't make the decision for him. I have to wait for him to decide. I will accept his descison even if its not what I want, but I will fight for what I believe in and I believe in us.

Being the giver, being the example is a tall job. But not thankless if you are patient and persistent. I don't think, no, I KNOW I would never have what we have now if I didn't have my faith, which turned into our faith. Baby steps for a long time, you were there you saw, but it was well worth it and you see now and know that too! I will be praying for the Spirit to help you!

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx