I want to save my marriage - ideas?

The funny thing is we are married - living in the same house - and we already only see each other once a week. I think the problem is we don't see each other enough. I argree that if he doesn't want to be married I can't change his mind. But I won't be the one to end it. I will contiune to be hurt and unappreciated before I call it a quits.

If he wants a divorce he needs to file. I will accept it but I won't just give in. I worked to hard for too long to just give up.

He has said he still loves me - he doesn't know if he is "in" love with me any more. I partly understand that. We don't see each other very often as our schedules are very different. I work days he works evenings. In less I stay up till midnight I don't see him untill Saturdays and Sunday mornings. I have to be up at 630am so staying up till midnight is LATE for me. I do stay up and wait for him pretty often - more often then I should. I end up tired at work and tired at home.

I keep my house clean - the laundry done - dinner is made almost every night and the nights its not I have some thing else planned for him to eat when he gets home. The only thing I 'nag' about is the fact that he doesn't kiss me when he comes home from work. I do every thing I should for him and then some. I am changing things about myself that have always been one way but he doesn't like any more. Its NO breaking news that I have a strong personality. I have been the way that I am for a long time.

I am not forcing him to change what I expect and derserve from him is Love, Respect, Trust, and Companionship. I expect a husband not a roommate. We share a bank account and a bed - that doesn't make us a couple. It has been his choice to live like this lately NOT mine.

I don't know how to be happy and pleasent when my husband is telling me he wants a divorce and chooses not to work on things because he just doesn't want to. There is some thing wrong with that. It is much easier to just walk away - I am not going to do that. I am willing to work on any thing and every thing - It is in his hands now. If he chooses to leave so be it but I WON'T be the one to leave first. I WON'T be the one to give up. I love my husband even the things that bother me about him I have come to ACCEPT. He needs to do the same for me.

As for the weight issue - He has always said I was fine - 6 weeks ago he suggested I go on a diet. I have done that and have lost 10 pounds since then. It is not some thing I can change over night. I put forth effort and end up crapped on. I put forth effort and he does not.

With all that said - With all the pushing away he does - With all unappreciation he shows me - I still love him and will still fight for our marriage.

That is the very reason why he doesn't like it anymore. You have no time spend for each other. As you said, you have a strong personality, men do not want women who is dominating. They want to feel that they are the head and the women will submit to them not like a slave but to respect them as a husband. Maybe he should understand that also in return he has to respect your opinions too. But if both of you should know how to humble yourselves and accept who is wrong and don't demand for a change. It will eventually come if you know how to humble yourselves. Give time for each other, If he doesn't kiss you, try to be attractive and and sexy... stop nagging.. NAG can kills love. I have a friend whose wife is a nagger then he said, he lost all the appetite he has for his wife. He said, he doesn't fell like he loves him anymore. Therefore, nagging and too much talking and blaming can kills love. Try another strategy... you said you are willing to do all you can to save the marriage!! You are right!!!! you can still do something!!!!Be nice, be loving, don't nag, don't talk too much, try to express your love, be the one to hug him first? appreciate him. do everything to make him feel good..

Please see other comments for more info if you would like.

As I said you have to live our life to get it. I will NOT submit to my husband as I don't expect he would to me. We are equal in our relationship. Most every thing is done EQUAL. We both work full time, we both take care of our daughter. He has his regular list of things to do as do I. My husband is WELL taken care of he has issues that he needs to work on. I am not saying that he is the only one at fault here. I should have noticed earlier that there was some thing wrong. No I should have made him tell me what was wrong sooner. I did notice but when some one tells you every thing is FINE and OKAY and GOOD then thats what you believe.

Sorry but I too agree that a marriage is an equal partnership, and even a longterm committed relationship without marriage is an equal partnership. I don't know whose idea it was or is to have the wife be the submissive 'sexy' one who does all sorts of things and never nags but that is not realistic. I certainly do a lot of things for my husband out of love and I enjoy it, but I know that I am his equal and unless I prefer he takes care of something without input from me, I expect to be given a choice for my input. This isn't to say that I always get what I want either, but it is taken into account and not just overlooked unless it is something I have absolutely no experience with, such as buying power tools. There is a huge difference between being loving and accepting, and putting yourself last and bending over backwards in a relationship. In my opinion, NOBODY should have to do the second one.

THANK YOU Mommyboo!

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I know you have marriage issues too. I wish I had an answer for you as well as me. When I figure out the secret I will be sure to share! Hopefully things will work out in both our marriages.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

We have trust. We don't talk. Seperation - funny! We live together right now but NEVER see each other. I work days he works evenings. We spend Saturdays together and Sunday mornings thats it. And even those days have turned into not that often as he makes plans so we don't have to be together.

I talk - he doesn't. Hopefully counsling will help him to understand if he talks things can work out.

Trust isn't an issue. We trust each other more then most couples do. Please see my other responses for more on that.

There isn't another woman - please see my other comments for more on that. It could be that he has had enough of 'us' but we don't see each other as I work days he works evenings. Saturdays and Sunday mornings were spent together but now he makes his own plans so we don't see each other even then any more. We share a bank and bed thats about it. I want more as does he. I am willing to open up he is not. I agree that there may not be much I can personally do, but I won't be the one to leave. I'll work on it for as long as I can.

Good for you:) I hope it all works out for you both!

You know, the more I read and think about this, the more I am thinking that in the absence of somebody else, maybe he just doesn't want to be MARRIED any more, and it has nothing to do with you. This may be why so many people are suggesting a trial separation where he moves out - because even though you are living as 'roommates', it is still the same house that you both go to, he helps you to take care of the baby, etc. If he were really gone from the house and not there at all, involved in any daily actions or day to day things, and you just planned dates to see each other, that may bring back some of the spark for him, as well as you. I have to say though, if his problem is just that he doesn't want to be married any more (at all), that it may continue to go downhill anyway, even if it doesn't have to do with you. He might really want to be alone, not to explore any options but because he's realized that marriage isn't for him. I don't understand that viewpoint but I do know people who never got married and are happy being that way.

I won't give up on my marriage. If he chooses to file for a divorce or chooses to leave I won't argue it I will accept it but until then I will FIGHT for my marriage. I WILL NOT give up on us. I believe in the vows we took.

Thank you for the sites. I scanned over them and will take a deeper look when I get home tonight. Hopefully he will look with me.

My husband isn't a talker either. At the first session he talked a LOT. I was amazed. The problem is he talked about not wanting us, not being sure, want us, and again back to not wanting us.

Oh and the do you want to do this with some one else thing ... I did say that. His response was if things don't work out with us I won't remarry or date. I walked away. I think that he is just being difficult at this point.

"His response was if things don't work out with us I won't remarry or date." OMgosh, you are married by my man's twin brother! LOL! My man said the same thing. I would advise one more thing, really really try not to take it personally. If he is anything like my man, he doesn't mean it as a personal assault but merely as truth, logic. I know that's very hard to do, especially when you are already having difficulties, but just try to take it into account.

My man is a very steady individual. My morals, logical, doesn't show emotions too much. Came from s background of not very demonstrative family. Material things were how they showed love, although my man is NOT material. He was not hugged or told he was loved, as a child. It was a long hard road for him to come to a place to share his emotions with me. Now he ONLY shares them with me.

I just want you to know there is hope and I, again, applaud you for holding on and not seeing your marriage as a throw away item. Any help I can give, I will do so gladly. If you just need to blow off steam, I will listen.

Caution: be very careful who you share with as you open your man up to ridicule that neither of you needs right now. Ridicule also sets us up to think badly of the very marriage we are trying to save. I don't let anyone diss MY man, if he needs dissing I do it to his face, but respectfully.

Hang in there girl, either way, you will be able to say you fought with every fiber of your very being!!!

My husband had a screwy childhood to say the least. He like your man didn't receive affection of any kind, attention of any kid or love of any kind. His mother is fine now but even now is still a cold person. Its amazing how it effects him. Because I am from a loving only semi disfunctional family I don't fully understand what he went through as a child. I try to and I know that is part of my problem. I know that I need to be more understanding of what he went through have more compassion for him. I am not a 'soft' person I say it like it is, I have a temper and I can be caught nagging at times. I truely feel like if he gave me what I wanted - a kiss when he comes home from work, a look while I'm dressing, a pat on the butt as I am doing dishes I would be a happier person in turn making him happier. Things have just got to the point that he doesn't put forth ANY effort. In fact it seems as if he does just the oppsite. He has out right said "I don't know if I want to try" he says "he doesn't think we should have to work on it - it should just be there" I think he is wrong. I am NOT saying I am all peaches and cream I know I do wrong too. I have asked him what I could change he never responded. Then all at once it came out like a flood. Time will tell but until he walks away I will be here trying.

It all sounds totally familiar. My man did come to a point where he was sure he didn't want out. He was more iffy about it when I was naggy, or things were just hard etc. LOL! My family was also "loving but semi-dysfunctional".

I just started to take what I wanted. Not sure if this will work in your case, but I would just tell him what I needed. He still, on occassion, will say, "I can NOT read your mind, no matter how long we have been married!". Well I had to concur as I cannot read his either(most of the time) Facing that really helped me and it helped me to see that he was not neglecting me, he just didn't know how to respond from his childhood experiences.

"does the opposite" Yes, all familiar again. My husband has a tendency to push me away, still to this day. You know what, I ain't being pushed. I sometimes get right up in his face and show him that I am here to stay. I will even crawl on his lap. LOL! Now I also know when he truly NEEDS some space, not being the kind of person I am, and I let him have it. He is always appreciative and comes right back to me. By space I mean alone time, he tends to be reclusive, he is not seeking comfort elsewhere. In fact he could very easily be a mountain man alone on a mountain top and be perfectly content. LOL! I do try to remember that it really takes great EFFORT and ENERGY for him to meet my needs, as it is just NOT in his nature nor was it learned for him. He's really a unique and wonderful man.

I must say we have come to a point where I am not as needy and he is a bit more giving. We both had to compromise. This website might really help you:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/30sec.html#love

Through all this he has really seen how much a child NEEDS to be SHOWN love. He is VERY loving to our little boy.

We have the book - thank you for the link. We have read it and done it and I still follow his "languages" he doesn't follow mine. I thought that it was working for a while - we read it last year I just read it again and left it out for him to look at - it hasn't moved. It stopped helping a few months back when all this started. Again thank you for your input it has helped.

Will keep you in my prayers then! Keep fighting the good fight!

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

Your right if he walks away there is nothing I can do about it BUT until he does that I will work on it to the best of my ablilty. He is not making any decisons right now. One minute he wants to work it out the next he is done. I have explained to him I will be here for him until he makes his choice. I will accept his choice even if its not what I want. I just wish there was some thing I could do to speed up his decision.

We are already basically seperated. I work days he works evening we see each other on saturdays and sunday mornings. The past couple weeks our sat and suns have been spent apart to.

Please see my other comments for more info if you would like.

I read where you said he wanted you to lose weight and did not
find you attractive, have you asked him if he has someone younger and perhaps in his eyes prettier, I know you said there was no way he co uld be cheating and yet men find ways without the wife
ever knowing, when he started criticizing you about your weight I think I would have asked a lot of questions like do you have someone else in mind, someone skinny and younger?

Hatley - nope he hasn't found some one else. Please see all my many comments on that. Our issues have nothing to do with him cheating. They have to do with his personal issues.

I am sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I'm sure your going through a lot right now. It makes me feel like my issues are small. It reminds me that life is short and now is the time to live. I want to live my life with my husband he doesn't want to live it with me.

Spending time away from home isn't really an option as he won't take off work for one day let alone for a few. He has stated work is more importaint to him at this point the us. Sad but true. He shows it too. Working on his days off and taking on more responsibities often. He uses work as an excuse to leave home alone. And yes he really is going to work I check his time card EVERY week to be sure he is where he said he is. Not that I don't trust him I do but in with every thing that is going on I have to check.