I want to save my marriage - ideas?

must any reason why you want to save or do not your marriage. communicate with your couple what is the problem.

Well, let's see. I have been married and divorced and remarried. There was abuse in my prior relationship though. My ex REFUSED to go to marriage counseling, he said that it was my fault I was unhappy or my fault that I had any problem with him. He would not admit to anything being even partially his responsibility. OH, and he didn't want any children. EVER. I would have gone to counseling, I was thinking about going by myself for myself to try and figure things out. I had gone from the point where I hated myself and felt like a bad person and a failure as a wife and a woman to realizing that he caused me to feel that way by projecting all of his problems on me instead of trying to figure out how to solve them. I'm a solver, if things are 'not right', I want to fix them. I want to see what I'm doing to hurt or cause a situation and take care of what*I* can do, know what I mean?

What kind of issues are you having, such as what subjects? My largest one that resulted in the divorce was his stance on kids, which was never going to change. That was the deciding factor for me. The other secondary one was the verbal abuse because it was not getting better, if anything it got worse and I was sick of it. Verbal and emotional abuse leads to physical abuse, he had broken things and started threatening my friends.

IF you can get him to go to counseling, together as well as some separate sessions, maybe he can come to terms with all this 'I don't know' stuff. He might be saying that but I don't think in marriages that people really don't know. They have an idea, sometimes the ideas are scary though so they just supress them. I will warn you, HE has to be influential in coming together with you to compromise and save this marriage. If he refuses to admit any responsibility and doesn't seem willing to make any changes in order to save things, it will not happen. There was nothing I could do to change my ex, if I could have fixed things by myself I would have tried!

As far as keeping the spice in my current relationship, we try to have a 'date' now and then, at least once a month, more often if the opportunity presents itself or we aren't so busy. We have time in the evening we spend together every night, we generally eat dinner together. We try to snuggle up often when the kids are asleep. It's really just about making the relationship a priority, asking questions, making sure things are okay with each of us on a continual basis.

Im sure I mad comment somewhere to you about relationships.

It's a two way thing and I do know you understand that,

You can do all you can, but if the partner is not interested, or just cant be bothered, you have no hope.

That sounds hard, but that is how it's been for me in two marriages.

I tied hard to get things right, no yelling, calm talks,no force.

But to be a decent human to another, to be understanding and to try to work through matters of concert, (with no luck of even hope).

So now I just do not know what the other person is, they are not like me, and that makes me very sad,
I was and always was willing to walk through hell for my marriages and the relationship, but that seems not enough for some people.

What you say makes me feel why did I not find a person like this one,where was she when I needed her.

Age is not the problem, My first wife was same age, second wife 20 years younger.

Age is not it I can assure you on that.

I dont have an answer for you and no one else here will, it's you, You will decide whats best for you, I hope you find what you need and that may be very different to what you have now.

HICCUP/

I do not know much about marriage breakups, most of the marriage breakups I know was because of a death of the spouse. Your husband sounds as if he wants you to remain as you were when you were first going together. He forgets that even if you did not have a child together, being home and making the meals, etc. you will gain weight. Also I heard that if one lives together before marriage, the marriage stands a better chance of breaking up because in your husband's case, he wants the irresponsibility and spontaneity of playing house. In other words, your husband is acting like a sixteen year old. And if you decide to spice up your marriage, what chance would it be if he will not cooperate? He thinks that he is going to find some sweet young thing, but he will not and if he does, he will soon grow tired of her. So keep on with the counseling, oh and it would not hurt to tell him what he is going to give up financially. Sometimes the man thinks he is going to keep the house and most of the money and possibly he does as well.

Go for a vacation! An exotic one at the beach. Better with no TVs, no phone. And I know just the place! Fiji! If its too expansive, why not try Thailand? A lot private beach houses. A place where he can focus on only you and you only. Go for 2 weeks. Long enough to forget about work, about stress. Leave all the problems at home. Relax and enjoy for two weeks.

This is a very sad situation, and it's admirable that you talked your husband into having some counselling and not just giving up on the spot. For some reason, it seems your husband has set his mind to not wanting to give things a go. Is there someone else involved maybe, and he's not telling you about it? Maybe there is something else happening which your husband is unwilling to admit. It's very difficult, but you can't force a person to stay if they don't want to, so maybe if you agreed to some time apart to think things over, your husband would be able to get things clear in his mind. He might realise the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence and then be ready to give things another try. I really hope it works out for you. Good luck!

firstly, you should find out where the problem is. is it because there is a "third one" or something else. then you can try to suit the remedy to the case

reading your entire post...i have absolutely no clue to the problems you two are having with each other. apart from drugs, alchol abuse, physical abuse and cheating on each other, I think marriage is worth fighting for. If he isn't willing to fight for it, could be that you have to do the fighting. most other problems beyond those that I mentioned above are solevable and worth the effort.

I have seen this happen to a far too many women and it really takes both people to make a marriage work and he has given up. Guys just seem to get it in their head that they aren't happy because the honeymoon years are over and think divorce is the easy way out instead of working things through. He is the only one who really knows why and whether he is telling you the real reasons you may never know. If he is in a rush, I would throw it out there that he is getting attention from another woman. I admire that you are going to fight for him and are letting him know that this is not what you want to happen. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who isn't giving you what you deserve? How many more years are you going to feel like you wasted on him if he is not willing to work in your marriage as hard as you are? Good luck - you sound like a devoted loving wife and it would be his loss!

I have just been through this but never did the counseling. He is trying counseling for his issues.
Has he said why he is unhappy. Is it him? Is it the marriage or everything?
It doesn't really sound as though your husband is too open to the idea of figuring out what he wants and doing counseling. He needs to be committed in order for it to work.
A very big thing is not forgetting the little things. My husband and I did that. After so long little things just get forgotten, little by little. It's not important and more and more things are not too important and pretty soon thing are not as good as they once were.
Your husband needs to figure out what he needs to be happy. You can't be happy with someone if you are just not happy. Now I don't mean leave you to be happy, but maybe he needs more "me" time.
What did you used to do early on in your relationship that you don't anymore. Sometimes just getting back to doing thing like you used to helps. Sometimes it just has to be you to start and he will reciprocate. Life has a way of getting in the way. Spontaneity goes out the window.
One thing I did was write my husband a letter and wrote things that I felt that he never seemed to get or listen to. He read it and I think that made a huge difference.
I really hope for the best for you. It is very hard to think your marriage may be over.
take care of you.