I want to save my marriage - ideas?

We married for love, at the time we both thought we were ment to be togther for ever he has changed his mind I guess. I don't know because he doesn't know.

I DID NOT marry for a game or fantasy if I had I wouldn't be here talking about how much I love him and want things to work out.

I know that I need to change a few things as does he. I am willing to and have been working on things he is not.

Please see my comments for more info if you would like.

Thank you Thank you and Thank you. I have to stick up for him on the weight thing. When we married I was a size 5 when I got pregnant I was in a size 9 at the start and after went back down to a 7/9. That wasn't a big deal - I had gained but not like now. Since my daughter I LOST every pound of baby weight and then some. About 6 months later I was not fiting into my paints. I am now up to a 14/16. So in 5 years time I went from a 5 to 14/16 I can understand that it bothers him - it bothers me too. Please understand that as much as he sounds like a bad guy he isn't. My husband had a really crappy childhood and it really screwed him up. More then I knew. After the first counsleing session I realized I NEED to be more understanding to what he is dealing with personally. I am NOT a 'soft' person. I tell it like it is, I have a temper, I am quick to speak befor I think. I was always like this but I have become worse. Its a cycle I push he pulls which makes me push harder and him pull farther.

I understand your point that I should say screw it, BUT I just can't I know that once he works through what ever it is he is going through we will be okay again. We were a great couple. We were the couple that made you sick! We were the couple that every one looked at and said I want that! I believe we can have that again. I may just believe that because its what I want to believe but until he moves out and or files for a divorce I will do what ever I can to keep US. Some one else asked me what I was fighting for and why. My answer I am fighting for the vows I made 4 years ago. I am fighting for the life I was promissed. I am fighting for the love we had and have. I am fighting for my daguhter to have a mom and a dad. I am fighting for US.

How truly wonderful…your passion, your commitments emanates thru every word (and it’s a rarity today when divorce has become the norm rather than the exception)…I really really wish I could interact with both of you personally, you seem to be a great couple and I also wish I could tell your hubby what a wonderfully strong wife you are. My hugs to you again…I may not be able to partake your every battle but you will be in my mind…do let us know whatever happens, good or bad and always remember there are friends out here

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

First of all thank you for taking the time to read more then just my post. It is obvous that you read some of my comments, I appreciate that.

My husband and I have both changed. He has changed into this person I don't know. I believe that he has other things going on in his mind. I belive that my husband is feeling scared. He had a pretty crappy childhood some will say that doesn't matter others will say thats all that matters. I think that some thing recently happened to make him remember how many times he was hurt in the past. I feel like he is trying to do the hurting before the hurting is done to him. Not that I would hurt him - I would do any thing to be sure he was NEVER hurt again. If I could prevent him from getting a paper cut I would.

You ask me if he was some one else would I still be doing the same thing. My answer varies. If Brian was never my husband and say Jack was then yes I would be doing the same thing. I believe that a marrige should be carried out through better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health and all the other things we promissed eachother. I am a Christian woman even though I don't regulary go to church. I don't belive in divorce. I believe that if your spouse is cheating on you or abusing you then you should leave as that person is NOT doing what they promissed to do. I belive that if you still love each other and you really are trying to do right by your vows then you should work things out. Before I married Brian I asked him if he was always going to be willing to try always willing to wrok things out and he said yes. We agreed that once married that was it. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't invision spending my entire life with him yes him. Not just to have a husband or have some one to lean on but HIM. DIRECTLY HIM.

When I met my husband it was not a set up or any thing like it. A friend had asked me to go out with him and some friends. I really didn't want to but did any way. When we were walking to the table where every one was sitting I said to my friend J see that guy there in the black shirt - I want him. That was that. Brian and I were introduced and we spent basically every night together since. I later found out he had been talking about the girl we would marry would be the girl that found him. He wasn't looking for some one when it happened it would happen I felt the same way.

Your right through all of this discussion I have not said that I loved him - that I want to stay because I love him. Its NOT because I don't love him. I do if I didn't I would be here pouring my heart out to strangers looking for advice on what to do next. Now do I love him or his image or his before? I can honestly say I love him even when I don't like him I still love him. Am I in love with him? In a way yes - in a way no. I was once head over heals in love with him. Now its more comfort now its a love thats there but with no spark. I want the spark back and I could have it if he didn't push me away. I know I am still in love with him but I don't know how to continue to love some one that has outright said I don't know if I can still love you. My feelings on the love in love are confused. I do truly love him but right now he is a hard man to love. Every day it gets more difficult to love some one that pushes me away.

Today I am to the point that if he chooses to leave and file for a divorce I will accept it. But I won't be the one to walk away, I won't be the one to give up. I do love him I do believe he loves me. I belive that he needs to work through his issues before he can work on ours. In all this all I want is for him to say - I want to work on it and I am willing to do so or I want a divorce and leave.

Again thank you for your input. It has helped me think about more things.

Well now, it seems that you both have emotional issues to deal with - him with his childhood and you (if I may be so bold) with your weight. As well, you are both aware that there are issues with the other that you are having to come to terms with. A crisis point, in fact.

There is a technique which claims to deal with things like this. Basically it helps people to come to terms with all sorts of buried emotional issues - everything from fears of spiders, snakes and flying to addictions and weight problems.

The technique is called Emotional Freedom Technique and has been around for, I believe, at least 20 years. It is easy to learn and so simple that a 10 year old child has no problem with it. All the details and instructions are provided free here: http://www.emofree.com/a/?3252/1 There are also videos which you can buy (at very reasonable prices) if you wanted to explore it further. I found them very inspiring and motivational. There is also a site where you can find the slightly modified technique used particularly for anxiety relief (just one of the many things it can help) and you may like to look at that, too, here: http://www.EFT-downloads.com Again, there is a free download of a PDF file and an MP3 audio file - you just have to sign up for a newsletter which you can stop at any time. I found it a very good introduction to the technique.

It sounds to me as if your husband, especially, would benefit from one or two sessions with a recognised therapist in EFT and you could find one, if you wanted, from the Practitioners link at the top of the page. The hardest part, perhaps, will be getting him to agree to the idea. Perhaps if you approached it from the point of view of "We are both going through a difficult time with this marriage. Whether or not we mend it or end it, the decision has got to be one that we both agree on amicably, so it is worth exploring anything which may help us both accept what is the right thing to do both for us and for the children."

I wish you every success and happiness in finding a mutually acceptable solution - though it may not be the one you feel you want at the moment. Remember that you are both - all, indeed, including the kids - individuals and have a right to a happy and fulfilled life. It's finding it that is the big problem!

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

Thank you for your words. Every response here has given me at least one thing to think about. Your response makes me think I really have a good husband. He just needs to get though what ever it is that is bothering him. I will be by his side for as long as it takes. If he still chooses a divorce I'll accept that but until then I'll be at home waiting and loving.

Good luck hun with your marriage and I hope it does work out.

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

I agree that this doesn’t sound like a good situation. I also agree that it takes two people to work on a marriage not just one. I am not the giving up type. If it takes me years to help my husband through whatever it is that he is going through so be it. As long as he will let me stand by his side I will. I don’t think things will get worse then they already are and cause a bad divorce if it comes to that. I have said if HE chooses to file for divorce I will accept it. I won’t like it but I will accept it.

Part of the issue is he doesn’t know what he wants. My husband is going through some thing personal – I don’t know what exactly it is that is causing him to lash out this way, but what ever it is – I have faith it will pass and things will be okay again. I do agree that we need to have a talk where – he talks and I just listen. Problem is he doesn’t want to talk. He has never been much of a communicator. He holds things inside till it’s too late. Like in this situation – it’s late for him to be saying some thing. More could have be resolved faster and easier and with less hurt if he had come to me sooner.

I totally agree that it’s up to him to file. I have said that numerous times. I won’t be the one to file or walk away. I will live through this hurt and pain because I know he will come around. We basically already talked about the divorce process – who will take what – where we will live – and more. By the way my husband is a great father to our daughter. He loves her more then life itself. If things don’t work out he will be free to see her ANY time he wants. I do agree that its not the child’s fault when parents get divorced so she will see her dad every chance possible.

As I said it the discussion we did go to counseling. We have been to one session and I am more confused then I was before we went.

Once the choice is made to stay and work it out or to divorce that’s it that is the decision we will both stick with. At this point he knows I am here for him – he knows he can talk to me when he is ready.

Your statement “pushed into doing something he didn't want to do and he was given the freedom to make his own decision” offended me a bit – I don’t think that doing every thing I can to make my marriage work is pushing him. Its telling him I love you, I want you, I will do anything for you, I’m here for you no matter what. I think that my staying and not just agreeing to a divorce is showing how much I care. He is free to make his decision I will accept it either way. Even if its not what I want. But I will do what ever it takes to make him happy even if that means accepting a divorce.

Please BELIEVE me that I in NO WAY meant to hurt you or cause you any more pain than what you are in already and above all I did NOT wish to offend you...even a little bit. I suppose I should have put it a different way.

What I meant to say is that Sometimes people, (like your husband), FEEL "pushed into it", (marriage counseling, since you said he was dead set against it in your original discussion):

"So I called a marriage counselor instead. He was dead set against it at first and I talked him into going."

What I meant was since you "talked him into going" then Maybe HE felt pushed into it if for no other reason than just to satisfy and not hurt you anymore than he already had.

So PLEASE don't think that I Thought you "pushed him into it"??

Personally I still think that since he is confused right now there is still hope. But I still say IF IT WAS ME, and goodness knows you are not me, I would give him space.

It seems to me at your age, (and I am assuming that he is somewhat close to your age), after being with you for 5 years and married for 4 and having a very adorable child, (which I know he loves), there is a very strong possibility that he is looking around at some other SINGLE 24, 25, 26, etc. year old friends and hearing and seeing that they are living the fun, high life right about now.

They are at a perfect age to be adult, dating pretty girls, partying until all hours of the morning and living a pretty care free single life style. You two were together at such a young age that you and he didn't have much time to experience the adult, free single life very much.

I think that there is a Possibility, (WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND KNOWING IT AND WITHOUT HIM TRYING TO HURT YOU OR HIS BABY GIRL), that maybe deep down inside he is a little jealous.

I don't know if he knows it or not but I do know that many men and women don't even realize it, they just know they aren't exactly happy but can't quite put their finger on exactly why.

IF this happens to be what is unknowingly bothering him, then if given some time and space he can come to grips with what hopefully is really important in his life, (you and your daughter).

Obviously I'm no clairvoyant and I don't know the answers I just know what I think, feel and Personally would do. I also know that this is a lot of IF's and if you're smart, (which I know you are), you will make up your own mind as to how to handle the situation.

I will say one thing though, this discussion has taught me a very valuable lesson. I will NEVER respond to another discussion such as this one as I never want to offend anyone again.

Believe it or not I am Always the one that preaches DON'T GET INVOLVED IN OTHER PEOPLES RELATIONSHIPS LET THEM WORK IT OUT THEMSELVES AS THEY MUST.

Again I wish you all the best whatever may come and...

You and your husband certainly have a beautiful, precious little girl! (I saw the photo on your profile so I know)!!

I know you didn’t mean to offend me even a little bit – This discussion was meant for me to open my eyes to new things. It has done just that. I have learned a LOT from each and every response. I didn’t think that I would get the amount of responses I did nor did I think that any would help but they ALL have in one way or another.

Your right I did say he was dead set against it. I may have pushed him into going, but I feel I did it for good reason. I didn’t want him to make a decision then regret it. My husband has a tendency to get a thought in his head and act on it before thinking about it. So that being said some times he needs the “push” into the right direction. (He knows that too and normally ends up thanking me for it)

I completely understand your point in saying “if for no other reason than just to satisfy and not hurt you anymore than he already had” I thought the SAME thing. I thought am I just prolonging the inevitable? The more I thought on that one the more I realized that he really needs to work on him before he can work on us. Call it a mid life crisis, call it he finally realized what a crappy childhood he had. Marriage counseling will help him personally as much as us. (He is also going to start seeing a counselor on his own)

As for giving him space – Its hard to do that when we already don’t see each other often. I work days he works evening and we try to spend out Saturdays together. I have been making plans for the next few Saturdays so he can have some alone time.

As for age – I am 24 he is 32, (we are 8/ 9 years apart depending on the time of year). (Married I was 20 he was 29) Most of our friends are married too. Believe me he had his ‘fun’ time, as did I, but I do understand your thoughts on that.

How I am going to handle this situation has come to – I will do what ever I can for this marriage. If he chooses to divorce me then I will accept that, but I will stand by his side and be here for him when and if he needs me. Even if we get divorced because I will always have a place for him in my heart I will be there for him if he ever needs me. I won’t ever regret any time spent with him as he has taught me a lot and given me a beautiful daughter. (By the way thank you for the complements on her)

You give good advice don’t stop. I asked for an opinion you gave it if I took it wrong then that’s me not you. Please don’t hesitate to give me advice on ANY of my discussions! Thank you for your words of encouragement and your thoughts they did teach me some thing.

Well I'm very happy that I could help some and I am very happy that you know I meant no harm!

Thanks also for the invitation to respond to any of your discussions...that's the nicest offer I've had all day! (Hopefully some happier discussions ahead huh)??

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

gem you are amazing:)

Well thank you for taking the time to read my comment and respond. I completly understand your thoughts on an affair. Here are my thoughts - Aside from there being NO time I have other reasons to KNOW with out a doubt my husband is not having an affair. I am sorry that you went through it - I can't imagine how it made you feel.

I agree that it takes both to save a marriage. I am doing my part I hope that he comes around and does his. I honestly believe that he has other issues that he needs to take care of BEFORE he can take care of "us". I just hope that he takes care of his issues before letting us go.

I wouldn't be fighting so hard for my marriage if I didn't see it being a life long book. I call it a book because there are many chapters to a book as there is many chapters to a marriage.

I appreciate your story it does give me things to think about. Other then the cheating.

Well I really really hope that it all works out for you over time, no matter what the reasons I remember how I felt going through everything and it was the worst time in my life. All you can do is try your best and I hope that you will let me know how things go on for you, I did not really have anyone to turn too with all mine and so shouldered it alone, but at least you have lots of friends here, take care xx

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1636454.aspx

ok I am back and I will write you something here:
Have you ever taken the time to truely think about what your relationship means to you? Why did you fall in love with this person, how did they stand out above all the others? Why was it that you would fight to be together against all odds?
AND how is it that the fight is now gone? Is it because of the standards you have set for yourselves? Is it because you have set standards for each other now, feeling marriage gives you that right? When did you forget that marriage is a privilage, not infact a right?
When do you think that it is a good time to leave? Why do harsh words have to be exchanged, when ideals differ? When this person, the one you love, should be accepted and built up by you even if you choose to do things or see things differently. When you cannot love the way you intended to love, when you stood before God Almighty, what are YOU going to do to make it better?
Does the realization that BOTH people have to be willing to work on things get lost along the way? Did you know that if one of you submisses unto the other all or even most of the time, no one wins? Or how about if you get your way, while you might feel you've won, you have crushed your partners spirit, how does that make you feel/look?
What is it that you have, if you cannot take your partners hand and walk beside each other in life, through diapers, dishes,death and smiles, hugs, laughter and Love? When you give of yourself freely and tackle everything together you grow together. When you point your finger and chastisize, who really is winning? We are imperfect, all of us, we ALL need to learn and to grow, in times of disorder, hurt and betrayal, we have to stop and evaluate what we as individuals are doing. Because if it effects you, if your thoughs are in it, you need to do something about it, even if it is the very last thing that you want to do.

I hope you can work through that list with him, hopefully it helps, and god bless you!

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Tyvm for answering and sharing:) I was Kinda hoping you might ask HIM to answer these questions for you:) I hope you find a way, that you find a light to lead you through it!

Hey here is the update on us. http://www.mylot.com/w/di... the way he did answer the questions. He read every response and responded to them to me. It was nice to hear his point of view on things too.

Yes I pray - I pary every day for my marriage as I always have. No there isn't any cheating, no we don't go out any more there is no time. Please see other comments for more on that. I know at this point I need to be strong enough for both of us. I am willing to accept his decision no matter if I like it or not. I just won't be the one to walk away.