I want to save my marriage - ideas?

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Hi ebsharer, I doubt if I could offer you any advice, but I think it's great that you want to save your marriage. There are far too many people who divorce without putting some real effort into working things out. Try a few more sessions with the marriage counsellor before calling that quits, maybe you'll start seeing some hope by then. Blessings.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. We went to counseling a couple of times and he lied, he lies today. I'm sure there's no affair and when he's mad he says things like "I want a Divorce and I'm not happy." I say, no one can be happy all the time. He blamed me for not being happy all the time while we had 2 children under 2 y/o. I was flat out tired and he didn't understand that I needed sleep and instead made fun of me for being tired. I can go on.
We are still together. I've learned to pursue my own dreams regardless of what he thinks. Sounds way different that your situation though, but I wanted to reassure you that it is possible. Perhaps there's just something going on at work that's upsetting him, perhaps it's that midlife (Or quarterlife, they call it now) crisis.

Hello ebsharer Ji,
Well, we are married since 38 yrs, my elder brother died at teh age of 86 yrs with 60 + yrs of his married life, my elder son, my younger son, my daughter have 8, 6 and 5 yrs of their married life spans now. I am giving these statistics with some back-ground . Why these marriages are lasting for ever. Let some councellor find out. We never went to any counsellor. We had tough arguements, but never got seperated. During my elder brother's time, his wife had threatened many times that she would end herself. But it never happened. As we enter into teh depth of life, first love between spouses get divided among children and bickering/difefrence of opinion keep emerging out. Now I would talk about 'back-ground'. Our all marriages were arranged and supported by family traditions/customs, where there is no question of seperation. It is single ever lasting marriage. There is no option. But in your case, you always think of option, no sooner any problem is faced. Why?. Is tehre any gaurantee, that it won't be repeated in future. In fact, as per me, best councellor would be spouses parents. Go to them, and I a=m sure they would do better. Many yrs back in 1957, I saw an english movie, 'Diffiant ones', where a Negro and white escaped from prison, chained together, spat on each other initially and later on they lived together. In your case, before marriage, both of you loved and liked, what went wrong, why con't you live together. It is a challange, You ahve to prove it, Keeping aside all your problems seperate. have a great day.

My new friend, I only just saw this discussion and am sorry that I missed it earlier. I don't really have any advice about your marriage, because every single marriage is different. However, I do think there is hope because he says he doesn't know. It's like he is looking for a reason for it to work out, but is going through some kind of personal crisis. If he really wanted to leave, he would just leave.

It might be passe now, but I can recommend the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I re-read it recently, and surprisingly it has helped us get over a trouble spot, even though my husband hasn't read a word of it.

Most importantly, you are beautiful and special. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. This is not your fault. Your husband has had lots and lots of time to mull this over in his own head - you have only had a few weeks to come to grips with it. No wonder you're confused!

it takes two to tango, if the other doesn't want to tango anymore, maybe you can try cha-cha or foxtrot. ask him whether he's tired, bored, or doesn't love you anymore. if it is the first two, there's still a chance to save your marriage. but if it is due to the third reason, then i think you have to let go.

In saving your marriage both of you should work together.If its one sided it would be hard for you to save it specially when he refused to do things that would help your marriage to work.Theres something wrong but i couldn't tell.Only you and him knows about it.If you still want him maybe you should do things that would help him convinced to stay with your marriage.I know no one could be a perfect wife but you can try.Do all your responsibilities liker cooking, cleaning the house, take care of your children and also do your responsiblities for him.Take care of his needs and desire.Do anything to please him.If these things still won't work, i guess something is holding him to keep your marriage.

What I'm seeing throughout this discussion is that your hubby will not take responsibility for what is wrong with your marriage. He thinks it's your fault and he won't do anything to change things. How dare he say he doesn't find you attractive - I'll bet he isn't God's gift to women either. Sounds to me like you are the one that's been holding this together all along. Now that you have a child and new responsibilities, he wants out because he is no longer the centre of attention.
You might want to save your marriage but unless he wants to as well it ain't gonna happen. You are only responsible for your 50%. He is responsible for the other 50%. You can't do it all by yourself hon and it sounds like he expects you to fix it or make it real easy for him to slither away like the son of a skunk he is.
My advise to you is to salvage what self esteem you have left and kick this bloke to the curb. If you maintain the status quo you will be doing yourself more harm than good. He is over it. He just wants you to release him because he is too lazy and gutless to do it himself. Stand up to him, call his bluff. Tell him to make up his own mind and to get over himself. Do you really want to carry this poor excuse for a man for the rest of your life?

Ok, this may not be the response you want to heat, but here goes. I was married for 11 years and recently got divorced. I was still very much in love with my wife, but she had reached a point where she was done. No matter how much you want it to work, if your spouse doesn't, then it's over, plain and simple. You can try everything to save your marriage, but if it isn't a dual effort then it's waste. It takes time to get over it and move on, but it does happen....time to do just that. I wish you the best of luck

You both talk about the days you were happy and start thinking positive side. I can suggest you people learn simple meditation and do it regularly, it is kind of realization and which can suppress your negative thoughts. Always try to repeat the word " forget the past". Thanks.