Is it good to instill 'competitiveness' in your kids?

Our son always loved to win in games, etc., and was let down when he didn't win. Both of our kids were in band and sports. Our daughter was very good in sports and our son was good in his own right. But, it was hard for him when she was always so much better. People always thought he was going to be just as good as she was. Which was unfair to him. She was good in other areas of sports and he was good in opposite areas. Also coaches would look at how tall my husband was and knew his last name and the many cousins he had that were good in sports and automatically because our daughter was good in sports they figured he would be just as good as our daughter and all my husband's relatives. They figured he would be tall like his father and be great at basketball. Well that was a surprise to them, as he did not get taller until years after he graduated from High School. Good healthy competition at home can be good, but it also can be hard on the one that loses. I know my son hates to lose to this day. It might be wise to talk to the older brothers and suggest to try and leave the competition out some of the time and just play the sports/games together and having fun while doing. Enjoy your boys.

i'm not sure. my feeling is that you don't want to create too much competition between him and his brother, but on the other hand competition encourages motivation, which is a good thing. would it be possible to get him to compete against something else, like himself, so that he tries to do something faster than he did it last time, rather than always competing against his brother. but then that could encourage perfectionism........ i don't think i know the answer to that, maybe he is just naturally competitive, and maybe what he likes is a target or goal to compete against, so maybe you could find a way of doing it that encourages him to achieve but not in a way that makes him feel he always wants to win against someone else. i don't know, you know your child, i don't, its just my older sister was always very competitive with me and actually quite nasty, and i am sure your son isn't nasty, its just from my experience you do need to be a bit careful.

I am a Parent and Grandparent my 4 boys grew up learning to cooperate, rather than to compete. There is no doubt that cooperation beats competition every which way. It only makes sense! One man competing did not get to the moon, but thousands of men cooperating did it in 1969!

My children were always pretty competitive and I think it's ok as long as they know when to be so and how to do it appropriately. I have encouraged them to remain competitive but with heart. The times they have lost have been times when I could say...it's ok not to be first..I know it hurts..but remember the other kid that didn't win before? He was sad too but he will try hard again next time...just like you will. That way they realize that everyone has sad feelings and it's not nice to make them feel worse. It also shows them that I might not win today..but tomorrow is another day. I have also taught them to be happy for others. We stayed through games or competitions even though they might not have been in them at that point. It not only taught them to respect their competitors but it give them appreciation for the performances of others. Just because they didn't win..didn't mean we couldn't enjoy the rest of the competition and be happy for the winner. The only thing they really want is your approval and the feeling of accomplishment. That doesn't always have to mean coming in first. I am by no means a "successful" parent. There have been a lot of things I have thought I should have handled differently. It is really all trial and error. Some parents are very happy to promote a competitive nature in their children. I am too...I just want to make sure I do it a certain way.

My 6 year old daughter can be competitive about certain things, but laid back (almost too laid back) about others things. She's always been competitive about "running" . . . her motto since kindergarten "I'm SUPERFAST". Even in P.E., when there were non-racing activities, she'd try to outrun everyone else to claim that she won. There was a jog-a-thon at school - laps around a track for like 20 minutes - she was going crazy fast to beat everyone (and this was NOT a race). Even now, she plays tag and such with the boys and says she is faster than any of them and they can't catch her (definitely has a big head about this). And of course she pulls this on her 2 year old brother - not fair - but she says she "wins" all the time. And like you said, she takes it hard when she doesn't win. When we went on public Easter egg hunt at the park last year, bragging she was SUPERFAST and will run to get the most eggs and blah blah blah. Well, she only ended up with four eggs and it was soooo disappointing to her - crying like mad all the way home. We've been trying to stop her from bragging . . . and trying to convince her it's about having FUN - not about winning. But talking doesn't always help her. Oh and last year it was about getting medals and trophies . . . had to try to teach her buying or finding them is not the same as earning them. It's not so bad this year . . . perhaps she has learned to "deal" with it better on her own. But still we want her to understand it's about the process - not necessarily the result. As for the running thing, we were thinking to put her track . . . not just for the physical aspect, but she'll be learning you have to work towards goals . . . and no, no one will ALWAYS win. Or we were thinking some type of martial arts as she currently has an interest in that (she thinks she already knows by copying some moves she saw on TV). We don't want to knock down the confidence that she has, we want her to have a better attitude about how she uses her confidence. I think we have to work with our kids' individual personalities. Like I said, lecturing my daughter does not help much - in one ear, out the other. She seems to respond better when it comes from experiencing things herself. If we put her in positive activities that "show" her what healthy competition is, she might learn better that way than us just telling her. That Easter hunt episode she did not know anyone there, so she felt like she was the only one who didn't get a lot of eggs. But in track or martial arts, if she sees that her peers are working towards the same goals as well, and that not everyone "wins", perhaps she'll form a natural, better attitude about competition.

I think children - people even - all have a bit of competitiveness in them but they also need to look at who/what they are trying to beat and why. Perhaps encourage them to do more activities where they need to cooperate and help each other in order to succeed. Whilst friendly competition between them is good they also need to learn to look out for each other and work together. Explain that the end result is sometimes more important than speed or "beating" someone. I'd discourage things like eating quickly because it is a bad habit to get into and also explain that mealtime should be enjoyable and is a chance to sit and spend time together. Perhaps get them to compete on table manners rather than speed!

only too a point, it is good to be competitive but not to go too far as if it is taken too seriously kids can feel like a failure if they do not win and too much seriousness in life can take the pleasure out of living and we do only live once.

I don;t know if it is because I'm a girl, I was raised as a lonely child, Or both but I am not into competition. I usually will not compete. I just let others fight it out as I work toward what I want.I play games but I don't " Beat" anyone! So I would try to get a competitor loved one that life isn't a race and that I love them " win" or "lose"

No, I don't like competitiveness in my kids. My oldest has always been extremely competitive, which has rubbed off on the younger ones. Even my youngest, who's almost 4, thinks everything is a race and brags when he wins.. or when he thinks he wins. But all I see is the bad in it. The kids who lose always feel bad, even if they're older and should understand. This bad feeling results in them finding other ways of making their siblings feel bad. They want to win so bad they'll result to cheating in order to win, and quitting games in the middle if they're losing. Yesterday my 9 year old had a basketball game, and his team isn't so great. They get their butts kicked regularly. My son, who was getting frustrated that they were losing, actually started getting physically violent with the other team and ended up having 3 fouls called on him for grabbing and pushing kids from the other team. I do not like competitiveness, and I try to get my kids not to be so competitive. I'd prefer team work and good sportsmanship over winning or losing.

I'm not married yet, but I'll try to share my opinions. Competitions are good to build someone confidences.When they get win, it will raise up.When they lose, it will down. What you have done was right about telling another chances.Cause it will make them to try more harder.Usually it will brought by them until get adult. In your cases, you have to be wises as a parents.You have to be a fair referee for them. Also, try to talk to the older to be wisely too as he was the older.Ask him to give a win and lose regularly to prevent the youngest become over-confident and or pesimism. Hope it will help.

My son is sometimes that same way, but not always. I personally don't think it's good for kids to think that everything is a competition, I wouldn't want him or her to think like is always going to be competition. I will have to admit once in a while it is cute to see them be competitive, but I also like to explain and make them understand that there are things in life you can't rush and that its not always going to be I won first and you won last. My son is slowly but surely understanding that now especially when it comes to his school work. When he first started he was rushing through it to try and be the first to finish among his friends and then he noticed that the more he rushed the more work he ended up doing because mom and dad made him do everything all over since it was done correctly the first time. So he is learning...

I don't know how much help I can really be since I don't have kids, but I have little cousins who act the same way. They compete with each other about everything and it's always a race. I think it's some sort of sibling rivalry..I'm just not sure how long it takes to grow out of or if they even grow out of it. I guess the best you can do right now is to explain to him that it's not always a race or competition. Later on in life it'll be good to have a little competitiveness but it's also important that he knows how to lose and also how to behave when he wins. I wish I could be more helpful =/