How do you handle it when you disagree(d) with your boss? Is it OK to pick up a crying baby?
By The Horse
@TheHorse (226323)
Walnut Creek, California
January 22, 2023 11:56am CST
I have been doing some work helping a former co-worker (I'm not sure if I'd call her a friend or not) get a day-case stared. I have been writing documents for her, working directly with the kids, building Ikea play structures for her, etc.
As I have mentioned before, I have a new "girlfriend," a 9-month-old African American girl who has become attached to me. She was a drug-exposed baby but has been adopted into a non-drug-using family. When she is in her crib at the daycare, and I enter the room, she cries for me to pick her up. When I pick her up, she stops crying and "talks" to me in baby talk, laughing.
Marie, the person I am helping, is from West Africa, where I gather parenting practices are quite different from here in the US and in Europe. Lately she has been discouraging me from picking up Harper, the little girl, when she cries. I have also seen her yell at babies when they are crying. "Stop crying! You're OK." It never stops their crying.
My training as a child psychologist included "attachment theory," and a famous (among psychologists) 1970s study by Bell and Ainsworth, which demonstrated that picking up a crying baby to soothe them actually reduces crying over the next several months. One is not "spoiling the baby," as some think.
Rather, one is responding to the baby's signals, reducing cortisol, strengthening the immune system, and leading to more "advanced" means of communication by the baby, including the (later) use of language, facial expressions, gestures, etc. to get their needs met.
I don't want to challenge Marie, as she pays me for my services, but I am frustrated when I can't pick up Harper when she cries for me to come see her.
How have you handled it when you disagreed with your boss about something relevant, even fundamental, to your job? Do you think it's OK to pick up a crying baby?
17 people like this
15 responses
@kaylachan (77505)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
22 Jan 23
I think it is, given the situation. Babies cry to express their needs after all. At the very least, you should check on the baby, ensure their needs such as feeding and diaper changes are met. Or, in the case of that little one, well it sounds it would do more harm ignoring it.
I can see where she's coming from, too. As kids start to get older, we need to start teaching them to express what they need in other ways, and know when it's okay to let them cry. If you've been caring for this girl, you should know what her cries mean.
4 people like this
@kaylachan (77505)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
24 Jan 23
@akalinus That's true, too. I still think it's situational, too. No two children are the same, and some children have different needs that need to be taken into consideration, too. And, conflicts can occur when you put a child in daycare in the first place. You, as a parent, need to trust that the caregiver will care for your child as you would.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (49578)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
22 Jan 23
Is she a trained child psychologist? Probably not. Show her that study and tell her you know what you're doing.
3 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (49578)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
22 Jan 23
@TheHorse Then you are the expert, not her, and so you should tell her.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (226323)
• Walnut Creek, California
22 Jan 23
@BarBaraPrz I need the money.
3 people like this
@popciclecold (39943)
• United States
22 Jan 23
We always pick up babies when they cry. The baby knows you and want you to hold her. Like you say she is different.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (473990)
• Italy
23 Jan 23
Soothing a crying baby is fine, picking up a baby just because the baby cries to be picked up is wrong and in Europe we "let them cry", they must learn that there is a time for everything, or they will grow up to be spoiled babies.
Yelling at a crying baby is wrong, you just go there, and try to keep the baby quiet but NOT pick the baby up.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (473990)
• Italy
24 Jan 23
@TheHorse If it is occasional, there is nothing wrong picking up a crying baby. Babies are smart, if you do this as soon as they start crying, they know that this is the way to be picked up and cuddled. They must learn that there is a time to be cuddled and a time to keep quiet and wait. Mom had no time to rush to pick up my brother when he was a baby, I, at 2 years old, rushed to put in his mouth the pacifier.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (147769)
• United States
22 Jan 23
I think it's okay to soothe a crying baby. But I also think carrying a baby around constantly so they don't cry is bad for the baby's mental health. It's okay to let them cry when there's nothing "wrong". It teaches them that they aren't "in charge".
I think you should point out that you have been taught the correct way to take care of a baby and see what happens. I still think you should report her for yelling at a baby or doing other inappropriate things. She doesn't live in Africa anymore and any parent who saw/heard her yelling at a baby/young child would call the police and report her. She wouldn't HAVE a daycare ever again!
2 people like this
@TheHorse (226323)
• Walnut Creek, California
23 Jan 23
I could write a book chapter in response to your comments. I will only say: a) Carrying a baby around constantly is more common in some societies, and babies DO cry less in those societies; b) I would not worry about a baby fancying that they are "in charge." They know they need us. I will always respond in some way to a crying baby; c) I would only report her if I saw her doing something that I was sure was damaging to the babies. I'll leave it at that for now.
1 person likes this
Agree to disagree?
@GardenGerty (163426)
• United States
23 Jan 23
If I have a big enough disagreement, I find a new job. I almost always pick up or soothe crying babies. Always have. It is good for them and good for me, as the crying bothers me. If you do not have a chance to educate Marie, in a kind manner, you are basically endorsing her approach.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (174183)
• Boise, Idaho
23 Jan 23
Very interesting. I'd perhaps broach the subject somehow later. Did you know this ......... and that it is proven? So how tactfully. See what her thoughts are on it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (174183)
• Boise, Idaho
23 Jan 23
@TheHorse .......Then that would tell me that perhaps the woman who is starting up this daycare has had some experience and feels that this is the way to handle those situations.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (226323)
• Walnut Creek, California
23 Jan 23
Proven? My "fancy degree" is in Research Psychology. Nothing is proven. Ainsworth's research "strongly suggests" that responding to babies' signals is beneficial to them. But nothing is ever "proven" in the scientific world.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (226323)
• Walnut Creek, California
24 Jan 23
@celticeagle It suggests to me she hadn't had as much training in child psychology as I would like to see.
@wolfgirl569 (115834)
• Marion, Ohio
23 Jan 23
Try explaining to her why you do it. I didn't always pick up mine when they were crying. But sometimes they do it just for attention
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (115834)
• Marion, Ohio
25 Jan 23
@TheHorse I usually did. Even if I just told them I would be there when I got done with something
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (226323)
• Walnut Creek, California
25 Jan 23
@wolfgirl569 Exactly! If you interact with them, even if it's just saying, "I'll be there when I get this done," they'll come to understand that "I'll be there when I get this done" means you WILL be, and they'll cry less.
1 person likes this
@akalinus (44301)
• United States
22 Jan 23
Yes, I absolutely do think it is okay. When one of my babies was in the hospital, I sat with him and borrowed books from their medical library. I learned that babies form their impressions of the world by how well their needs are met. Babies need to be held and valued so they think the world is a good place. You can't spoil a child by loving it.
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (188285)
• United States
23 Jan 23
It depends. If you end up having to carry the baby around 24/7, then it's too much. I know children that were raised like this and the mother is still carrying him around on her hip at 3 years old. Check on the baby, make sure he/she is OK and go about your business. The boss I had for the last 15 years of my career didn't like to be disagreed with. She would say, "Just do it!"....so I did it.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (84795)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
22 Jan 23
If you know the baby has been changed and fed but still cries I think it is a good idea to pick them up to give them comfort,
1 person likes this
