Words of Sympathy Etiquette
By much2say
@much2say (53952)
Los Angeles, California
April 3, 2024 7:05pm CST
It is rather late that I ask this as my father passed away a year and a half ago. But it has been bothering me all this time like a splinter stuck in a finger 
.
My cousin's wife sent my mother a Christmas card a couple months after my father's passing. In it was a short note saying "Sorry to hear about H's passing. Merry Christmas".
This did not sit well with me. I thought it rather inappropriate actually. Words of sympathy in a joyous holiday card??? Hmmm 
.
What say you about this ?
.
My cousin's wife sent my mother a Christmas card a couple months after my father's passing. In it was a short note saying "Sorry to hear about H's passing. Merry Christmas".
This did not sit well with me. I thought it rather inappropriate actually. Words of sympathy in a joyous holiday card??? Hmmm .
What say you about this ?21 people like this
21 responses
@snowy22315 (170199)
• United States
4 Apr
I think she could have put a bit more thought into what she said but probably better to say something rather than nothing. I gather y'all weren't close.
5 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
I think that may have been the situation. Personally, I would have sent a separate card/note, but that's me. I'm not close with her or my cousin, but she and my mom got to know each other at one time . . . so I would have thought she would have been more sensitive than that.
3 people like this
@MarshaMusselman (38663)
• Midland, Michigan
4 Apr
It's different. It's possible that she procrastinated about sending the sympathy card separately and therefore thought she should say something in the card she sent.
Was your mom bothered by it?
It it that took place in my family I wouldn't let it bother me, but that might be because my husband allows many things to bother him and I've learned to shake situations off.
You could talk to your mom about it or if your close to your cousin ask her about it. Otherwise, it's better to let it go.
4 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
It does bother me and my mom . . . but there was nothing we would have done about it anyway - had to let it go. We knew she meant well, but still. Not worth battling about it. But it still picks at my brain.
I would have sent a separate card no matter what. I would think that would be the proper thing to do. But maybe some people don't think that way. I just didn't appreciate my dad's passing being a side note of a holiday greeting.
4 people like this
@MarshaMusselman (38663)
• Midland, Michigan
4 Apr
@much2say if she couldn't afford a separate card it would have been better if she had just gave her condolences and left the Christmas getting our of it especially if it was the first Christmas after his passing.
3 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
@MarshaMusselman In our family, we don't send Christmas cards in the year of a family member's passing. She did, but she is my cousin's wife . . . maybe she/they was never aware of that. They do well for themselves, so I'm sure it wasn't about not being able to afford another card . . . but I agree it would have better just to send condolences and leave it at that.
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
The thing is, in my family, when someone passes away, no holiday cards are sent that year. I guess no one told my cousin's wife that. I didn't mind about the Christmas card itself, but it was weird to read that like a "by the way" kind of thing. I thought it was completely tasteless 
.
.3 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
@rebelann Ah, ok. I wasn't sure if that was a family or cultural thing, but maybe that's universal. We go so far as to not celebrate any of the holidays or celebrations for a year.
I don't know why my cousin's wife did that. And I guess I'll never know, but I don't want to know. I just know it was disturbing she did that.
2 people like this
@rebelann (111225)
• El Paso, Texas
4 Apr
I think what your family does is most likely the norm, no one in my family sent cards on those years where someone has lost a loved one.
Totally tasteless of your cousins wife. I think most people would send a sympathy card instead of writing that kind of after thought on a Christmas card.
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
9 Apr
It's just that in my family, perhaps my culture too, it wouldn't be seen as the proper thing to do. My cousin didn't write out the card - his wife did - so I assume she didn't think of that. It hurt too because these are the "kids" of my uncle - my dad's closest brother.
1 person likes this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
14 Apr
@just4him Oh no! Yes, that would be very hurtful - and such shocking news. My parents asked a sister in law how her sister was (she was always a nice lady), but it turned out she passed away 3 years ago already! It was very shocking to them. It was never understood why they were never told.
1 person likes this
@MarieCoyle (28807)
•
4 Apr
I would think a separate note or card would be more appropriate, but on some things I know I am old fashioned.
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
I would never write of a family member's passing in a Christmas card . . . I seriously don't get how she thought that was ok. Right - a separate message would have been more appropriate. I guess that makes me old fashioned too. We come from a generation of thoughtfulness, mindfulness, and sensitivity!!!
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
5 Apr
@MarieCoyle Yep yep yep! You taught your family well 
. Thank yous are a definite must.
. Thank yous are a definite must.2 people like this
@MarieCoyle (28807)
•
5 Apr
@much2say
I know I taught my own children that thank you notes were an absolute must. If they got a check from a family member for a birthday or whatever, the check could not be cashed or money spent UNTIL the thank you note was written. My grandchildren do the same thing, so I guess my lessons stuck!
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157627)
• United States
4 Apr
Sounds rather perfunctory for both greetings--like "I am going to get this over with and kill two birds with one stone."
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (85648)
• United States
4 Apr
It seems like she hurriedly wanted to express two things, but save money by only sending one card. Decency says a sympathy card should have been sent, and then later, a Christmas card. What your mother got was a card killing two birds with one stone. Which is disgraceful.
2 people like this
@kaylachan (57914)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
4 Apr
Something like that doesn't really bother me. Sometimes some people don't know how to express themselves, and your cousin was trying. I would learn to let go. Letting it fester like an open wound, isn't healthy.
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
Well, we have had to let it go . . . it wouldn't be worth a family feud over this. It's just that I would expect more sensitivity from her considering she got to know my mom. I don't let it eat me up, but at the same time I won't forget.
1 person likes this
@changjiangzhibin89 (16541)
• China
4 Apr
I also think it isn't done.She actually extended her sympothy on a Christmas card and a couple months after your father passed away ! Were it not for Christmas greetings,she couldn't have made mention of it.
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
We thought this was truly in bad taste. I don't know how anyone could have the nerve to send condolences and celebratory greetings in the same card. Disgusting . You are probably correct that nothing would have been said at all had it not been for Christmas .
. You are probably correct that nothing would have been said at all had it not been for Christmas .2 people like this
@RebeccasFarm (86780)
• United States
5 Apr
Um what planet are they on? That sounds ignorant.
RIP your beloved Dad.
2 people like this
And I am sorry.
@LindaOHio (156584)
• United States
4 Apr
I probably wouldn't let it bother me other than a sympathy card should have been sent. What DOES bother me is that she said "H's passing". Did she not put his whole name???
2 people like this
@much2say (53952)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Apr
Oh - that H part I didn't write out his name here for the sake of privacy. She did put his name. However, honestly it should have been Uncle H respectfully . . . as my dad was my cousin's uncle (my cousin's wife wrote out the card). I know I'm a bit nit picky, but in my culture these things are important. I would never write such a message in a holiday card.
2 people like this
@infatuatedbby (95001)
• United States
10 Apr
That would not sit right for me as well. Does your cousin's wife lack common sense
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (79843)
• United States
10 Apr
Personally I think that was entirely insensitive. I would have been bothered by it too.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (118506)
• Gainesville, Florida
14 Apr
To me, that would just stir up painful and sad emotions at a time of joyous celebration. Maybe she just didn’t know what to say when writing out the card, I don’t think she meant to be rude or insensitive. But I agree that it was not the right way to express words of sympathy.
1 person likes this
.@moffittjc (118506)
• Gainesville, Florida
18 Apr
@much2say It would have made me cringe too, even if the sender meant well.
1 person likes this
@JESSY3236 (18919)
• United States
16 Apr
Yeah I don't think I would have put that in a Christmas card. She should have written a letter and stuck it in the card.
1 person likes this
