Is He My Roommate Or My Husband? Hmmm.

United States
November 27, 2008 7:37am CST
Oh my goodness, how sad is this? My marriage is officially over. We're just roommates putting up with eachother because we have to. I didn't want to face it a year ago, but I'm dead on now to actually admit what it really is. Now I've made peace with the fact that we're never going to fall in love with eachother or ever have a normal or happy marriage. Now I don't know what to do or where to go from here. This leaves me puzzled and clueless. Has anyone here ever been through a messed up situation?
7 people like this
30 responses
@rodveiga (335)
• Portugal
27 Nov 08
If you don't have kids I guess it's for the best if you keeps along with your lives, separately. If you have kids... that's more complicated. I don't know, but I think that even with kids maybe it was for the best that you solve your situation....
4 people like this
• United States
27 Nov 08
Yes we have a 9 month old daughter, that's what makes this really complicated.
3 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
27 Nov 08
And he decides to all of a sudden just walk out now? How can he do this to you? It is very sad... I hate to bring this up but does he have someone else that you may not know about? It sounds like he may be in love with someone else... You just don't walk into love and then decide to just fall out of love. It does not work this way! If he can be with you and make a child with you, then surely there has to be some kind of connection here??? How can he just fall out of love with you, and then give you no reason why.. This is sad, very sad.. If I were you, I would ask him what caused his change of heart, so suddenly..
3 people like this
• United States
27 Nov 08
I don't know if there's anyone else or not, but if there is, he does a heck of a good job hiding from me.
3 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Hi, I am glad to see you here! Happy Thanksgiving! If you both are acting as roommates, then it is wise that one of you move out. There is no need to live under the same roof if he acts like he does not want to be with you. One of you need to make the decision on who stays and who goes. It seems like you really love this man, I can tell. I know the feeling of being misled. Believe me I do. It is sad. Will he communicate with you, and tell you where you both can go from here? If, he is not in love with you anymore, then let him go. If you have kids, then it may be hard to let go. I have seen your daughter on your profile page. She is very beautiful. It is sad that he will be leaving a precious family as this. If this is his child, it is a shame that he will walk out on you, with no regret. I hope that you can talk to him and sort all this out so that you can't get hurt anymore from his rejection. Take care. And remember, you don't have to put up with this silent treatment mess. Get out and do something that will make you happy and feel loved all over again. You have your daughter to think about. I hope that you can feel much better about this situation very soon. You need no storms in your clouds...
3 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
27 Nov 08
I am so sorry for you miraclefreebies, really I am. It is very sad that you have to put up with this. He has to have his foot in his mouth! Me and my husband were two different religions and we made it together. We went through a world of fire. But we made it. He listens to gospel music, while I was into R&B. Now, I am listening to gospel as well. And he listens to R&B too. What is his religion? Because as far as I know there is only one religion, and that is the body Of Christ. There is only one religion, like there is only one God. I really believe that he is just making all of this up just to get rid of you. That is his excuse of leaving you. And if his aunt was so much of a prophet, telling him that you two are not meant to be together. That is very untrue! She cannot call herself a prophet, and then try to keep him away from you. You should still be invited for Thanksgiving dinner at their house as well. It is sad that they all treat you like this. God is not pleased with their manner towards you. Why do they hate you so much? And what is your husband's problem, walking out on you like this? I don't know your full story... But, religion should not be the reason that he has fallen out of love with you. He needs to come better than that... It also sounds like his family is trying to turn him against you.. They may have played a part in why you and your husband marriage has fallen apart..
2 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Going to church every Sunday does not make you a Christian. We are Christian's when we live outside of the church. Out Christian life begins here. Not in Church. There is no wonder why you are no longer in love with him anymore. With someone that makes me feel sad, I am very sure that my feelings would change for them too. No one can hold onto love for so long..
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
He didn't act this way when we first met. All of this started about 5 months after we got married, but at that time I actually thought it was hope, but now I'm sure it isn't. One thing I don't do is sit around, cry and feel sorry for myself. I always been the type of person that creates happiness, joy and laughter from within myself and from the people and things that I do have in my life. I have my daughter and other family members, and of course I have myself to keep joy alive.
2 people like this
@Chevee (5915)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Try to talk it over with him and see where he is coming from see if maybe some counseling will help. Try to keep your marrigae, I am not saying stay there if you are not happy what I am trying to say is to make it work make happiness. It is hard out here in this world all by yourself. Maybe and I hope it is just a stage that he is going through and will open his eyes before it get to far.. You can't judge a book by its cover, by your attitude and personality here on MyLot you never would have guessed this. You were one of the happiest people here on MyLot to me. Don't give up. Happy Thanksgiving.
3 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Yes, I cream97 agree to this! Miraclefreebies is very strong in mind and heart! She will get through this! I am just sadden by how her husband is treating her. He needs to be really honest with her, because I believe that he is hiding what is really bothering him. If he had really loved her, he would have never left her to be with his other family and not the one that he created. When he walks out on you, he is walking out on your marriage. It seems that he is stressed out too. But, he needs to talk to you. You are both in this together. And he needs to include you in his feelings. He is not showing you that he cares. He really needs to shape up before it is too late! Miraclefreebies is too much of a beautiful and loving woman to be taken through this by the man that she vowed to spend the rest of her life with! He needs to be more clear with you, miraclefreebies. He is not telling you the REAL reason why he is not into you anymore. Something is up, I can sense it. His family needs to stay out of your marriage, and let him be a man and talk with you. His aunt is no prophet, any woman of God that does not invite her nephew's wife over for Thanksgiving dinner is no prophet! Thanksgiving is supposed to be a day of sharing, love being thankful for what God has given to us all. They are not at all portraying this image on this day, and any other day at that! To treat you so badly on this day, is sickening! I don't get it, why would a man marry a woman if he knows he is not ready to settle down.. I will be praying for you, miraclefreebies. There is a rainbow beneath all of this sadness.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks Chevee and Cream. We have tried counseling before, but he didn't agree with some of the things that she said to him. She didn't take sides, she was totally neutral. She spoke the truth, and he dropped out.
2 people like this
@cream97 (29179)
• United States
28 Nov 08
He just can't seem to handle being with you! If he does not feel the same way, just let him go! You have no time for games. You are a very mature woman ready to take charge of your life, you don't need any man trying to slow you down. You have a life that is ahead of you that does not include an stumbling block, like your husband..
2 people like this
@camomom (7537)
• United States
28 Nov 08
Yes, for almost 3 years. I knew it was over but thought things would change. They didn't. I fell out of love and tried to let him know that. He didn't get it even after about a year of me telling him. I finally realized it wouldn't change and I'd never love him again. I asked him to leave because I had nowhere else to go and he did. I am happier now then I have ever been. I found my real love of my life and we are engaged and have 2 beautiful children together. I wish you the best and hope things work out for you. You and only you can change your situation for the better. Be strong and do what you need to do for yourself, no matter how hard it seems. I'm here if you need me.
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks camomom, you are the sweetest person. Who knows, I might take you up on that offer. I might need you sooner than you think. You are a good friend, and congratulations for finding the love of your life. You deserve it all and more. I'll keep in touch.
2 people like this
@camomom (7537)
• United States
28 Nov 08
Aww, you're so sweet. PM me if you want to talk.
2 people like this
@savypat (20248)
• United States
27 Nov 08
If the truth were known I think most of us have been there, done that. Myself I decieded to hang in there, 3 small childdren, no educations, no work experience, I was painted into a tight corner, So I just hung on, finished school, got a job, kid went to school and pretty soon I was living with my best friend and we were raising kids together. 50 years later, he's still my best friend, but we are not in love, though we do love each other. That's how my choice turned ut. Good Luck
• United States
28 Nov 08
I'm glad you're happy now. You surely deserve it. Put the bad behind you. Thanks a lot.
1 person likes this
@walkthetalk (1308)
• United States
27 Nov 08
I'm sorry to say, Yes Tomorrow will be one week for me to be gone from my home after 17 years of marriage. I fell out of love with him some time a go. I'm not quite sure how he fills about me. If it is love, I'm sorry that love feel so painful. The reason I feel out of love was the way he treated me. So I'm not sure if men can truly be in love and treat women bad. I wish you lots of luck. It is not easy, if you decide to leave. But I made a decision for myself and my kids. For happiness.
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Good for you. I'm glad for you. Love is an action verb, it's about what a person do or don't do. Thanks
1 person likes this
• India
27 Nov 08
I am really sorry to hear this. Yup, it does sound messed up. But, do you want to make your marriage work? If you really want to have another go at your marriage, there is plenty of help available. You could read books on it, go for couple counseling, or have a good heart to heart talk with your spouse. I wish you luck. Cheers and happy mylotting
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
We have tried the talks and the counseling and we're back where we started. It will get figured out though. Hopefully soon. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@mikeysmom (2095)
• United States
27 Nov 08
i am in pretty much the same situation. i was very in love with my husband when we married and he was with me as well. over the years, 18 to be exact, so much has happened and he has been so hurtful to me on many occasions or just not there for me that i feel we are roommates as well. we stay togehter for many reasons and i do not feel like going in to them here but it is sad because i am very disappointed in how my life turned out and i am just too tired and stressed to change it too much at this juncture.
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I'm so sorry to hear that. You don't deserve to be treated that way. We need to do something about this drama in our lives. We should be treated like the queens we truly are. Stress is bad for us, that's why I never let anything drag me down. I'm generally a happy person, and I'm smiling now, even as I speak. I want you to smile too. Show that man that he can't win. SMILE.
2 people like this
@sudalunts (5528)
• United States
27 Nov 08
Sometimes couples still live together after divorce because of financial reasons. Neither party is able to branch out on their own at the moment. I guess it become an uncomfortable situation is either person decides to date again. My husband's sister had to do that for a while, her and her husband were divorced and lived together in the same house. They had two little girls. He actually bought out her portion of the house, and she was able to find another place and eventually moved out. I can imagine, it is a very uncomfortable situation. I do not think I can live with someone that I can not get along with, but I guess if the situation came came up, I would have to swallow my pride and deal with it until I could make different arrangements. Good luck
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
We can put up with eachother as far as living under the same roof, we don't fight and yell or anything, a lot of times we just don't say anything at all to eachother.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (27584)
• United States
27 Nov 08
My goodness, yes! I was married for 19 years to my ex and he left me for his high school girlfriend. I'll now admit that we were both unhappy but I kept thinking it would get better, I had all kinds of plans to jumpstart our relationship but nothing ever worked. It was actually a blessing when he left, although it hurt me very badly and our kids were a wreck and still are, in a way. Up till the last day, he would tell me he loved me, I think because he thought if he said it often enough it would make it true. Although I loved him and I still do, I now admit it's better this way. We were really just roomates that had kids together, in his mind. There were a lot of other problems but it's not pertinent to this discussion. You are young and have a lot of years ahead of you. Sit down with him and discuss this, figure out a way to free both of you so that you can both have a good life and possibly be free for the love of your life which will come along eventually. And if he/she doesn't, at least you won't be miserable living with someone you don't love. Don't waste years living with someone you each don't love. I will keep you in my prayers. I know this is tough, but you can get through it and live life like it should be lived, with happiness.
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I will plan to have that discussions with him soon. Yes it's hard even though I don't love him, and I do agree with you about being free for the love of our lives. Thanks dragon54u.
1 person likes this
@syankee525 (6298)
• United States
27 Nov 08
you just got to go with your heart on this. my marriage gotten into trouble a few times, but we ended up working things out. but then again we were both welling to give and take alittle. good luck to you
3 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
You're right, and I intend on doing just that. Thanks syankee.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
28 Nov 08
Hi mira, I think you both need to sit down and discuss each others feelings about it and decide where you go from there. Talking is the only way to move on. Sometimes it feels like an impossible situation but it's only because you are used to being married and no matter how miserable you might feel, it's still more comfortable than having to plan a whole new life. You just need somewhere to start. Once you figure out the first step, then you take it one step at a time from then on. It feels overwhelming but you can do it. Good luck and God Bless. leenie
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks Mira, you have a really point. I guess I could be comfortable, but it's the wrong kind of comfortable. I'm afraid of so many things, but I'll try.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Nov 08
Counseling will be the first thing I'll do when I'm ready to break free, and I will let you know how it turned out. Thanks leenie.
1 person likes this
@riyasam (16583)
• India
28 Nov 08
well,he is a loser.i think you should get out.it is better than living a newborn life.all the best for your future.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16583)
• India
28 Nov 08
i meant loveless life.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Losers are for kids.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Nov 08
why are you guys living together if you're not married anymore?
2 people like this
@camomom (7537)
• United States
28 Nov 08
They are married just not in a marriage, ie: not in love anymore.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks camomom, you're right. The so-called marriage isn't a marriage anymore due to many reasons and mistakes.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15595)
• Philippines
29 Nov 08
Did you discuss this with him? do you have kids? well if you are not happy you could go separate ways and live with your own lives and be happy...
2 people like this
• United States
29 Nov 08
Good point. I'm leaning towards that. Thanks jazel.
1 person likes this
• India
28 Nov 08
Is this the man you once loved? What went wrong? Have you ever tried to analyse where yo went wrong? Have yo ever tried to sit calmly and think why it has worked out so wrong? Havve you ever thought that instead of blaming him you have to blame yourself for the wrongs and the mistakes that you made? If he has faultered, have yo thought where he went wrong an dwhat he could hav e done to make ammends? Give a cool thoughts.Shed your ego and start to take up the fragments and work it out. I have been married for 27 years and have been through many trying times but one thing has been firm - we knew that we are made for each other and nothing can change that. It is we only who have to solve our problems. give a relationship time and it will work out. Never stop communication with each other. Sit, discuss, talk, help each other and never give up.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks for the advice.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I'm sorry your situation is "messed up." I hope that you can be happy with how your relationship him with progress, even if that means a complete dissolution. I haven't dealt with a situation like this but I know you can have the inner strength to get through any situation you need to.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I believe that too, and thanks for the reply.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 Nov 08
I have been in your situation too. But mine is a bit more complicated. The event just happen this year. I have discovered that my husband has been having an affair with another woman. I read their text messages and I am badly hurt because whenever I question him and I got angry he would hit me. I have a lot of bruises not just once but many times. I moved out for a week and my husband talked to me that he wanted me and my son back to our house. I was hopeful that things will be better. But even in our first day back home he wanted to go out. I asked him to respect me. He said he will do something on the internet. I was hoping and praying, but he keep on going at night, keep his cellphone away from me and he is texting either inside the cr or he would go out from our house. I still read messages from that woman. I text the woman but she won't answer my messages. My husband will just say he will work overtime almost every night . Many times he won't sleep in our house. I was crying every day, every night, even in my work because I can't help to think about what happened. And I don't want my family to be broken. I don't want my son to grow without a father and I know I still love him. I was like a crazy woman because every time my husband will go out I will follow him but my husband is so good that he will always caught me. I know the place where he always go. I have been doing that, crying, praying, hoping that everything will be okay but things were just the same as it is. After 6 months after the first time I moved out I finally decided to move into a different house. Atleast I got better a little. I still have the pains and crying but I was able to move on a little. My husband still visits us and said we are still married. Yes, it's true because it is difficult to annul our marriage here in the Philippines. He said we will be a family still. But I know I am not hoping for that. I don't know what's his point why he said that. I don't know. But I know I am setting him free because I never see an effort for him to win us back. Why? After all the things he have done on me? Everything will be better for both of us. Just hold on and keep praying for strength especially in your case. I think in you case it is really important to talk what should both of you do because you are not okay with that. If he won't discuss then I think it's up to you to decide.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
Wow that's really terrible how he treated you. I'm glad you're better now.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18473)
• India
28 Nov 08
Things can be made better. Try to have open talk. take help of counsellers. better go for small trip and can get closer. try to solve what is the gap.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Nov 08
I wish the counseling had of worked. He has to work so the trip is out. Thanks for your reply.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31031)
• United States
28 Nov 08
Yes. Quite a time ago, I lived with my fiance for 4 years. While we had some problems, I felt that they were things that could be worked out between us. When It was obvious that things were not going to work out, I told him that I felt it best that I move on. He really didn't argue with me. I began sleeping on the couch and packing my things and actively looking for a place to live.I think a part of me thought that he would talk to me, try to stop me. He didn't. I had 3 children and was still helping out at the house so it took me nearly a year to come up with the money to move. At first it was ok even if was a bit hurtful. We were civil enough. After a time, it got very ugly and more than a little hurtful. We had a child between us and the anger made it that much more difficult to work towards being "friendly & civil" for her sake. We did manage but I would not reccomend staying in this situation for too long. It was pretty messed up for sure. There were times when we actually got along so well that I got my hopes up and then the next day he'd be giving me the silent treatment again. If you really feel it is over, then I would say to move on as soon as you can.
• United States
28 Nov 08
Thanks sid. I agree with you 100%. I know I need to do that real soon but a part of me is afraid that I would never find Mr Right. I just have to find the courage to do so.
1 person likes this