What will You Do When Parents Quarrel in Front of You?

China
October 26, 2009 8:47am CST
Yesterday, my parents had a fierce arguement just for some trivial matters. Whenever I meet such bad situations, I tend to go to my room so that they can have some privacy. Yes, what I want is to leave them some space to let them talk it over and solve the gap between them. In my opinion, it is very wise to just leave them alone and have them deal with their problems without me meddling. Some resrarches found that in some ways, children benefit from seeing their parents disagree because it gives them a lesson on how people can work out their problems through compromise. As parents, do you fight in front of your kids? What will you do when parents quarrel in front of you?
8 people like this
57 responses
@PeacefulWmn9 (10425)
• United States
26 Oct 09
I think that whether or not a child will benefit from seeing their parents disagree is how the argument is handled. The fierce or viscious, or even violent ones will not benefit anyone, especially a child. Respectful disagreeing and coming to a peaceful resolution, well yes, that would set a positive tone that could benefit the kids. Like you, I always felt uncomfortable when my parents argued, though, even though they were not fierce or viscious. I didn't want to hear it and would go into another room. Karen
@sagnik42 (3599)
• India
26 Oct 09
When my parents quarrel it is a scene worth watching. I feel really ashamed to admit it but it is true that I really love it. The way they keep coming at each other trying to prove their own points is amazing. They can keep at it for hours at a stretch. Unlike you, I actually try to calm them down. Over the years I know what can distract them and how to distract them and do exactly that. It works pretty well actually and funnily enough they have even thanked me a couple of times for stopping their quarrels. I mean, how weird can you get?
2 people like this
@drannhh (14680)
• United States
26 Oct 09
My parents quarreled constantly and it was devastating for me as a child. The worst part was when they wanted me to take sides. I refused and then they got mad at me. It was horrible. Everyone is going to disagree sometime, but there is no excuse for parents becoming violent and/or constantly subjecting their children to that. Seriously, it is part of the reason I never had children of my own, although there were many other reasons as well.
2 people like this
@rberon1985 (5394)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
Sad to hear this from you. I have experience seeing my parents quarelling in front of me. Actually it is just not a normal quarrel, my father is already hurting my mom, so to save my mom to get more pain from my father, i acted as I suffered from heart attack. Both of them run after me, and they asked me if i am just okay? My act has been very effective that time, my mom was save from more pain. They are now separated. And we are happy that it happened. If I become a parent, I won't let my children experience this kind of situation.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27879)
• Malaysia
27 Oct 09
I think parents should not quarrel in the presence of children. It will leave a long trail of sadness in the kids especially with young children in their formative years. They will pick up unkind words thrown out by either parents and this will have bad effect towards the kids. I say this because I experience it myself when my kids were small and we often quarrel in front of them. Now that they are grown up their approach towards life is abnormally different compared to their other cousins. They don't have that happy disposition and not as social as the rest. Kids that are breed from a war torn homes often display different attitude compared to those who have a happy childhood. I wish I had known the disadvantage of quarreling in front of kids when I was a young mom.
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
When I was a kid, I am seeing my parents arguing and fighting too. I don't butt in. Like you I leave them and went to the room. I will only intercept if I feel that they are hurting each other so much already (opppsss not physical okay... don't get me wrong. Only verbal and emotional). I believe too that the children should not see their parents quarreling. It is like setting bad example on them.
@joy358 (491)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
My parents rarely quarrel in front of me. When they do have disagreements, they usually discuss it in private. But sometimes, I unintentionally hear them quarreling, which I really hate. During these times, I usually just go to my room and read or I go out of the house. Fortunately, my parents don't hold grudges, they usually resolve their differences after a day or a couple of days, which makes for a very peaceful and happy home. So if someday I'll have my own family, I'll probably follow my parents' example and just discuss differences in private and then resolve them as soon as possible so that my children would not be affected. Because it is usually the children who are more affected when their parents do not get along.
@jules67 (2791)
• Philippines
26 Oct 09
I do remember when I was still younger that I was able to witness my parents' fighting. I just ignored because I did not know what it was about in the first place. But now that I am much older, the children do sometimes, not meddle but be middle persons to sort out the problem.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Oct 09
I've never seen my parents argue...I don't think it's right for children to be involved in adult conversations and let alone arguemnets. The kids have nothing to do with fights/disagreements between mom and dad. That's sad. Researchers don't know everything..just like doctors don't.
1 person likes this
@cwilson26 (2737)
• United States
26 Oct 09
My parents have been fighting in front of me for as long as I can remember. I used to go to my room or leave when I was old enough. Now when I am with my parents and they fight, I try to ignore them. I really hate it when they fight but there is nothing I can do. If I get in between, I could make things worse by one of them thinking I am sticking up for the other. So I just try to ignore them the best way I can. :)
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12096)
• India
6 Feb 10
Our parents rarely argued in front of us. I remember just two or three incidents where they had fierce arguments. But of course, smaller ones always surfaced and they argued it out like adults. So, that was fine and yes, it did teach me how to argue and at the same time respect the other person's opinion. We never interfered in their arguments unless one of them (which was often my mother) was saying something out of bounds or accussing the other of something which wasn't true. I'm sad to say that yes, I do fight in front of my kids. I'm sad about it...because we don't argue like adults and we are often trying to put each other down at that time and prefer that the kids don't listen to that and learn from that. Though I know it's just a difference of opinion and I don't want to put my husband down....I also don't want him putting me down either for having the opinion I have. I'm usually reacting to his attitude towards me than the situation in hand...and I definitely don't want my sons to learn that. But my husband just doesn't get it. He likes to win an argument and would go to any lengths to win it. And that's what gets me mad and then I react to it. At the moment, I'm trying to ignore a lot of things and make myself calmer.
• United States
12 Jan 10
I tell them that they need to grow up and set a better example.
• Indonesia
30 Oct 09
Hi getbrowser I feel very afraid, since my mom and dad rarely have quarrel, and once they have it, it's surely a big quarrel. Glasses and plates crashes, my dad will cry, hit the table so hard, and moaned after that and my mom locked herself inside her room. That was happene years ago and for me, better to escape to my room on the second floor, set the music on and go to sleep. Really, for me it's the best method than hear all the scream voices. You can imagine, how it feels when you hear the one that you love, who usually talk with soft tone and always elegant and patient, now scream like animal.. No, better not hear it
@Canellita (12061)
• United States
30 Oct 09
I think the idea that researchers could claim there was a benefit to children seeing their parents argue is ridiculous. As for your situation, leaving the room is the best thing. You can not resolve their problems and you do not belong in the middle. Only older adults can be effective intervening in an argument between parents and not always then.
@taraelocin (1141)
29 Oct 09
If it is a trivial argument I try to to mediate between them, destract them. I don't live at home, so it is not nice to see them arguing when I am at home for once! If it would be a major argument, I'll give them space.
@chinawgl (20)
• China
29 Oct 09
i will go out for a moment
• India
28 Oct 09
It is very wise to just leave them alone and have them deal with their problems without me meddling
• China
28 Oct 09
my parents did quarrel before me and brother in the past. then i was very young, and always cried alone. when i grow up, when they quarrelled again, i would help mom most of the time, feeling mom, as female, was the weak side.
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
i used to see my parents quarrel - my parents sometimes act like big kids that wants to take sides.they often don't resolve their problems because they are both hard headed and don't listen to each other- i was confused on who's side to take when i was younger so, i do nothing. but when i was older i try to help and try to fix things up. i'm a parent now and has a three year old-my husband and i also disagree on some things but we try to resolve our problem after a very long exchange of opinions we compromise and say sorry to each other.i don't want my kid to be confused when we fight. so, when she's older i'll explain to her why adults argue and why it is important to fix it right away.
• United States
28 Oct 09
How sad it is that you had to hear them quarrel like babies. You did the right thing when you went to your room to give them privacy. When in reality they should have gone to their own room. My parent argued from time to time, usually over money issues, but would talk it over and not yell each other. I have been married for over 30+ years to the same man and we had arguments but we never raised our voices to each other. We talk over our problems if something bothers either one of us we tell each other what it is and we try to correct problem or adjust to it. This is done out of love for each other. Not every couple agrees with each other, but hopefully they one day can find a common ground. Tell the parent that you can talk to that this upsets you and next time if they could wait until your asleep, that you love them both and don't like hearing them have to quarrel over the little things in life.
@matsulori (269)
• United States
28 Oct 09
You are in an interesting position. If I were in your position, I would ask them why are they fighting. I'd ask them each to calm down, and tell me what they're really fighting about. (of course you have to understand this is coming from the depths of my 40-year-old-experience). I thing it would be interesting to one day come out of your room, make your self some tea, sit down, and when they finally notice you, ask them respectfully, "I figured since this is ovbiously how you want me to learn how to interact with my husband/wife regarding these types of matters, I should probably pay more attention and take notes." It's important that you say this respectfully, otherwise they're going to turn their anger toward you instead of becoming introspectful, and to start to think about what they're really doing.