I'm getting frustrated and discouraged!

United States
October 9, 2010 4:21pm CST
So, we're planning on moving into my FIL's house.. hopefully before the end of this month. Problem is, my FIL's house needs a lot of work and cleaning before it's ready for us to move into. The hot water heater isn't working properly, the drains aren't draining right, the stove doesn't work at all. To add to that, FIL hasn't cleaned since my MIL died, and before she died they had like 20 cats in the house that didn't always use the litter box... so that nastiness is still sitting there! Eww! Also FIL has been hoarding a lot of junk.. he's got old mattresses and dressers and tables that are not usable but just taking up space. This is a monumental job and needless to say, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't really get in there and do anything because I have to watch the kids.. and I won't bring my kids in the house until it's clean. Hubby has agreed to do most of the work.. but he won't do anything until he fixes the water heater (can't clean without hot water), fixes the drains (can't clean without that), and rents a dumpster to get rid of the junk. He needs parts for the water heater and drains, and needs money for the dumpster, like $300. FIL will pay for the dumpster when he can afford to.. who knows when that will be. They've searched everywhere for the part they need for the water heater but can't find it anywhere, and they just finally today figured out what to do about the drains.. hubby is currently there working on that. Now we've been discussing this move for months, and we go over there everytime hubby gets a day off work, and my oldest son goes over there to help out at least once a week. But when we're there nobody is actually working on doing anything. Hubby has gone to "look at" some of the problems, but doesn't fix them or says he needs something for it which we can't get/afford right now. My son only seems to want to play.. though he has mowed the lawn and mopped a couple times. I went out this morning and bought $60 worth of cleaning supplies.. brooms, mops, a deck scrubber for the dried on crap on the floor.. along with a billion different chemicals to clean the place. Hubby said he'd spend half of today, after getting out of work at 2pm, and all day tomorrow working on getting the place ready. So he gets there shortly after 2... yet it takes him till 4pm to actually start doing something, and at that point they went to the hardware store to get parts for the drain. Now he wonders why everytime we go over there I start acting discouraged and frustrated! I've nagged him about it.. that doesn't work to get him motivated to do it. He knows as well as I do how badly we need to be out of this place.. but he's not showing any urgency in getting us into that house. He just keeps saying "We'll get this by Wednesday so I can fix that and get the dumpster next weekend.. then we can really get started"... well he's been saying that for weeks and still nothing has been accomplished!! In the 2 and a half hours we were there before hubby left to get the parts for the drain the only thing that was accomplished was he cut down a tree so we could use the side door! I'm so frustrated I could just scream!! Okay.. vent over. I really just needed to tell someone but I don't want to take all these frustrations out on my husband because it does not do a thing to motivate him. I need to find a better way to get him motivated... or maybe just send the kids to my mother's so I can go do it all myself!! Thanks for listening! Do you have anything you need to vent about today?
2 people like this
10 responses
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
10 Oct 10
Hi Kats, I have worked on houses that are really in bad shape. I think your idea of letting mom take the kids is a great one. Truthfully the place sounds as if it needs to be condemmed. I would go in there and tackle one room at a time to try to make it livable. I'm guessing that your husband is dragging his feet because it is so overwhelming. It really sounds as if it is. Is your father in law still in there? How is he living there? It really sounds bad. Do I have anything to vent about? Nothing that sounds as overwhelming as this. This is really bringing back some memories and not good ones.
• United States
10 Oct 10
Yes FIL still lives there.. it's basically been this bad for like 20 years. MIL hoarded cats.. we know she wasn't quite right in the head. He loved her so didn't stop her from doing what she wanted. Now he's also a bit of a hoarder and won't get rid of her stuff which is nasty and destroyed. But we'll have to work around that. No it's not livable, but he's used to it.. but he is embarassed by it which is why we can't ask for help. My sister and one of our friends offered to help, but for now we've said no. Once we get some of it done then maybe we'll accept the help.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Oct 10
My 13 year old has been going over there once a week for the past few months doing small chores for FIL with what he could.. so hubby says that smell is slowly disappearing. It used to be so bad that if hubby went in there for a second he came out smelling like it. Now he doesn't smell like it, my son doesn't smell like it after being in there all day.. and FIL just smells dirty because he can't shower at the moment due to the drainage problem, but he never showered often anyways because he's diabetic and had some toes amputated and has open sores on his legs..
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
11 Oct 10
Well, That's good that at least the smell is going away. I feel so bad for you guys. When do you have to be in there by?
@TheCatLady (4696)
• Israel
9 Oct 10
You can at least fill the regular trash can. Put some of the other stuff in bags and stick them in the garage. Go room by room and just get the junk out of the house. When you have the money you can rent a dumpster. If not just throw out what ever you can each week. Obviously the mattress and other large items can't fit in the trash can, but they can go into the garage for the time being.
• United States
10 Oct 10
Actually the garage is already jam packed with junk. It seems my in laws were boarderline hoarders.. and FIL is not completely willing to part with many things. Most of the items in his house are destroyed however, so there is a LOT to get rid of, but a lack of storage space. So there's really no way around getting the dumpster. The junk and clutter is too big for garbage bags, besides that we pay by bag for garbage.
• Israel
10 Oct 10
That sucks. I can only wish you get the money for the dumpster soon so that you can start to get things in order. I have never heard of paying by bag for garbage. Moat places it's by the number of trash cans you have. I'm lucky and I can set out a second can once in a while. I don't know if it's really legal, but the trash men don't care because I usually have a really light almost empty trash can.
• United States
10 Oct 10
Yeah, we have to buy trash stickers, and each bag needs a sticker or the garbage men will not take it. I actually like it that way.. because the last town we lived it was just a straight fee of $45 every 3 months, and at the time we were having major cash problems, and I couldn't come up with the $45 when it was due.. so our trash service was discontinued. Our trash ended up piling up and we'd sneak it to an apartment complex to dump in their dumpster or we'd rent our own dumpster when it got real bad. But with the stickers, which cost about $2 each, I can just go down with $10, get a few stickers, and get through a couple weeks. It's not overly expensive.. but when we're talking about cleaning up months worth of trash in a house where nobody has really cleaned... well.. we can do that to an extent, but it would be easier to just get the dumpster since we sort of have to anyways for the bigger items. Hopefully that will get done next weekend, hubby says even if we have to overdraw the bank account we will get that dumpster!
@mommyboo (13207)
• United States
10 Oct 10
Wow, that is crazy. This is one of those situations where I would definitely want a plan, and extra hands. Either someone to take the kids so I could go there and do it all in one day - or someone to take the kids AND a few people to come help me knock it all out quickly! Before you say that nobody would want to help you with THIS sort of job, I have helped people move and load and unload Uhauls, I have helped people unpack and pack boxes, we have cleaned places etc, and I'd do it again. I really don't know what to do about your husband though, it doesn't work to nag em and it doesn't work to keep it to yourself either. It's like neither way of dealing works and how you deal with it be it one or the other depends on your frustation level. Most of the time if I get really frustrated, I have to do whatever it is myself. This usually makes other people end up pitching in, because I will start, and I will go until I'm done. If nobody helps me, I will still finish, albeit longer than it would take if the other people helped from the beginning, but unlike them, I just start, and I just keep going till I'm done. I think people of are two varieties, people who procrastinate (most people fall into this category) and people who don't. I tend not to start things until I know for sure I can finish them. Therefore, whatever I've started, you know it will get done, sooner rather than later. As a result though, I don't have a bunch of things going on at once like some people do. I'd rather have fewer things going on that I know I will finish, than have a ton of things going and finish none of them.
• United States
10 Oct 10
Hubby and FIL won't let anyone else in the house at the moment. We've had 1 friend offer to help, and my sister offered to, we had to say no. They are embarassed. I haven't even stepped foot in the house in 5 or 6 years so I don't even know what I'm getting myself into. But I am dropping the kids off with my mom today to go get some of it done.. then I'm having my sister come over tomorrow to help me get packing my own place.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13207)
• United States
14 Oct 10
Good! It sounds like at least one bright spot in the whole mess! How did it go, were you able to get a lot accomplished? Honestly, if I lived near you I would offer to help, and if hubby and FIL wouldn't let me in the house, at least I'd occupy the kids or something lol. While it makes a bit of sense to be embarrassed, it shouldn't be enough to turn down offered help - help would mean things could get done faster which would be a GOOD thing!
• United States
14 Oct 10
You don't understand the mess of the house.. it hasn't been cleaned in litereally years! When my MIL started getting sick she stopped cleaning. It literally made me vomit! We've at least gotten it started though.
@dorannmwin (36608)
• United States
14 Oct 10
Wow, that really is a load of frustrations and I really do know that moving is a frustration all on its own. I can see why your husband has a hard time getting motivated with getting all of the cleaning done because it is something that really is frustrating to have to do. However, if you need to move from where you are living (which you do) that should be motivation enough to get the work done. That said, perhaps it would be the best thing to see if your mother would be willing to watch the children so that you can get some of the work done as well.
• United States
14 Oct 10
That was nothing compaired to yesterday.. hubby's only day off during the week, only day to fix stuff and get cleaning.. and he had to drive 2 hours away for absolutely nothing. A complete waste of a day, and we are so ticked!
@cynthiann (18572)
• Jamaica
11 Oct 10
I think that you shoud let your mother take the younger children and take the three i,dest to help you. Dig in and get started on toiets, bathroom and kitchen first.The ittle ones can help carrying out things from the rooms. Probably your hubbie will feel so bad over this that we will pitch in too. Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed by if all too. So you take charge and let him follow. No nagging. This is what I woud do. Hope it works
• United States
11 Oct 10
That's what I did today.. I dropped the 4 younger ones off and got cleaning. Unfortunately I could not get much done. I need working hot water, and I need a dumpster. We have a plan in place for both. I didn't even have a working stove, they went and got us one, but it's the plug, not the stove.. so now they need an electrician. Hubby will first try to switch the outlet box but if that doesn't work he can't fix the line himself. Though he did fix the drains so something was accomplished today!
@mtdewgurl74 (18122)
• United States
10 Oct 10
Nobody likes cleaning alone..if they don't have too. So maybe that would be the best bet, to send the kids to your moms and then help hubs get started on that cleaning..tell him don't need parts to clean but hands,arms and elbows..lol. It could be that it is a big task and he just doesn't know where to really began and what to really focus on first..with you there directing him and helping things might just finally start getting done.
• United States
10 Oct 10
Well he made himself a plan.. but he just keeps getting stuck on this issues that he's having trouble fixing. He worked on the drain for awhile last night but still couldn't fix it. They're still searching for the part for the water heater. He did manage to wipe down a dresser last night but says it will need to be wiped down some more. I'll be dropping the kids with my mom today and going to help out.
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
10 Oct 10
Hey kats! I was only gone for 2 weeks and I've missed that you were moving into your FIL's house? I know that before that I had been missing a bit too, but this was kind of a surprise to me. I'd better start paying more attention to my mylot friends! Did something specific happen to make you want to move? What the hell did I miss? I can imagine what stress you must be under from the description of the house right now! But, you have to just start somewhere (easy to say, I know). I think the hot water issue would be the first step to get on with the cleaning and the drain issues too would have to be priority. It will come together once you get started. And if you need to have your Mother watch the kids so it frees you up, do it. And anytime you need to talk, I'm here! You'll get through this, you are a strong and determined woman and mother! Just keep the faith and take out the frustration on the floors or whatever else needs cleaning, that's what I do!
• United States
10 Oct 10
Yeah, you missed a recent discussion from just a couple days ago. Here's the link http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/2415550.aspx
@spalladino (17927)
• United States
9 Oct 10
Wow, what a job and a load of frustrations. It sounds like getting your FIL's house in shape is pretty overwhelming so you might want to break everything down on paper, have a solid plan, so that a delay in one area won't result in wasted time. I suggest that the dumpster be ordered right away. Yes, you should have hot water in order to clean but you don't need water to get rid of junk and that's going to take time. Are there any other bodies you can get to help with this job and someone who could watch the kids while it's going on? If so and even if not, plan "Clear out Day" and inform your FIL do that he can be prepared. It will make all of you feel a lot better if you start seeing progress made and I can tell from your discussion that cutting down a tree does not come close to helping you.
• United States
9 Oct 10
Those are areas we're running into problems with. Nobody has the money for the dumpster at the moment.. so we can't remove the junk. Hubby keeps telling FIL to go buy the parts while hubby is at work, so that he can fix things on his next day off.. but FIL does not go get the parts we need. We can do SOME cleaning without the dumpster, but not much. I offered up the idea of bringing things to the dump, which would cost $20 a trip, cheaper than the dumpster and easier to come up with $20.. but neither FIL or hubby like this idea. They think it would take too many trips and neither of us have a pick up truck, just a mini van.
@dawnald (84124)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Oct 10
Sounds like hubby is intimidated by the mess too and doesn't know where to start. Maybe you need to make him a schedule or something.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
10 Oct 10
Actually I've had a pretty good day.....so far...so good. Hope you get it all worked out. I can imagine the amount of work that needed if he hasn't cleaned in all that time! Good luck!