Do you know someone like this?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
United States
April 17, 2012 7:56am CST
We went to visit my husband's Aunt Doris on Friday. We don't get to see her much. She spends her winters in Florida, and in the summer her house is about 2 hours away from us. Plus she keeps herself busy with friends and groups and travelling, not to mention medical appointments and problems. She's around 80 years old, but still a very busy bee! We probably visit with her once or twice a year.
When we do get to see her, I always feel like our visits are rushed. We get there and she immediately puts us to work getting food prepared to feed us. Last summer she bought stuff to grill.. so hubby was set to work grilling, and I was set to work slicing fruits and veggies and setting the table. Friday hubby went to buy pizza, but while he was gone Doris has me busy getting paper plates, napkins, cups, and drinks set out for everyone.
When we're done eating she feels the need to wander around her house finding things for us to bring home with us. She has the kids go through all her books and movies to pick out what they want. She opens closets, "Do you need towels? Soap? Dishes?" whatever else she sees. Many times she already has things set out she thinks we'd like. This recent visit we brought home a small TV, 2 VCRs, and a table in addition to books, movies, silverware, blankets, and an assortment of other odds and ends.
When she's done loading us up with all these possessions, she tells us she's tired and is ready for us to go. Our visits rarely take longer than 2 hours! A 2 hour drive each way is so long for such a short visit. I appreciate her generosity, I just wish she'd sit and chat and actually let us VISIT instead of keeping herself so busy by finding things to give us and then sending us on our way.
This is pretty much the way every single visit goes with Doris. I love her, she's a great woman, but I hate feeling like we never really get to visit her and our visits are just full of work! I think next time we plan a visit I might speak up. We really don't NEED anything, and I appreciate her trying to help us out, but 90% of the things we bring home we never use.. I end up sending them off to the Salvation Army after it's sat around here for a few months.. it's just sort of hard to say no to her. Like last summer we went to visit and she was wandering around asking us what we needed. I was preparing to send the kids off to camp for the first time, and I actually did need blankets and sleeping bags for them to bring. She camps a lot, so I thought she might have some we could use. I asked, and she found 1 sleeping bag (I was sending 3 kids to camp). She gave us a few blankets also.. but then gave me some Sherpa fabric. She said if I cut it just right it would keep the kids warm at camp. Well I didn't really want the fabric, but she insisted. The kids said there was no way they were bringing this fabric to camp with them.. so this big role of sherpa just sat in my house for the entire summer. I finally offered it up on Freecycle to someone who could use it.
So next time we plan a visit I'm going to tell her there is nothing we need or want from her but to just sit and chat for a little bit. Maybe then she won't get so tired during our visit and we can stay for more than a couple hours!
Do you know anyone like this?
Have you ever visited a relative and the visit felt more like work instead of a visit? Do visits ever feel short and rushed to you?
6 people like this
13 responses
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
17 Apr 12
Wow! I got tired just from reading your discussion about your Aunt Doris! She sure does have alot of energy and especially for someone her age!
I am sure she just means well, and heck, maybe the reason she has all that energy and seems so young is because she keeps busy like that.
I do find it a little unsettling that it is a 2 hour drive to visit and then another 2 hours back home and that you only get to visit for 2 hours when you are there.
I really don't know how to make her change though, I think at this point in her life, at her age, you are not going to be very sucessful. I guess you just have to grin and bear it.
I would however suggest to her that the next time you come to visit that you intend to stay for a minimum of a 4 hour visit. That way she knows ahead of time and there are no surprises. I mean it is worth your while to at least be able to visit and not just work the entire time you are there at her house!
Good luck with this! And just enjoy the time you have with her while she's still here. She means well, it's just her way.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
I would however suggest to her that the next time you come to visit that you intend to stay for a minimum of a 4 hour visit. That way she knows ahead of time and there are no surprises. I mean it is worth your while to at least be able to visit and not just work the entire time you are there at her house!
Good luck with this! And just enjoy the time you have with her while she's still here. She means well, it's just her way.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
@GardenGerty (157671)
• United States
17 Apr 12
Shultzie that is a good idea. Warn her ahead of time. Either that, or if there is some kind of amusement in her area, take the kids there when she shoos you out of the house.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
17 Apr 12
I would be worried that she might get offended as it sounds to me that she is just trying to be nice and give things to you all of who she is as she is getting older in years.
Is she still able to get out and go somewhere? Maybe next time if you can afford it a nice picnic or a little restaurant somewhere may be more to your liking and you can sit and chat with her instead of running around and trying to talk whilst she finds new treasures for you to take home.
2 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
18 Apr 12
i read the other comments and this sounds like the best to me. wonder why this one wasnt answered? that sounds good. i usually feel and act the same way when my youngest grandkids come over like your aunt Doris. mostly because there doesnt seem to be much to talk about and if we do try and just sit and talk the kids wont sit and watch cartoons or play quietly outside. they are all over the place running and fussing and getting into things not meant for little ones
of course they are 3yrs and 6 now.@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 12
We've done that in the past but it still becomes work. One time we went out to eat, then she brought us to Walmart to shop for clothes for the kids. That's nice and all.. but it was still working and not visiting. But that's just how she is I think.. she's always been that way. Even when she came down here to visit us she'd take us shopping instead of just sitting and chatting. Not sure she knows how to just sit and chat.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
26 Apr 12
Oh my gosh, yes, I've had a similar experience. My ex's mother and grandmother were both a lot like you describe. It was about an hour's drive to go and visit and, with his mother, she had a list as long as your arm of jobs that she wanted not only her son but me and the girls, as well, to do for her "since you're here anyway." It used to drive me nuts because if I wanted to be painting or cleaning or if my husband was going to be doing yard work, we could have stayed at home and done our own, you know? Believe me, I do not at all mind lending a hand to anyone that needs it but this was a constant in our visits. Even during the winter, when we couldn't do work outdoors, she would find jobs inside the house for us to do. It wasn't much of a visit. The only time we sat down was to have lunch and then to chat a bit until it was already time for us to leave again.
The grandmother was like Aunt Doris...she would also give us jobs to do but she definitely tried to give us things. She would give books to the kids (which were never really age appropriate at the time) or she would find little odds and ends for us to take home. We told her all the time to keep her stuff... that we didn't need anything and that we were just there to enjoy her company... but she always insisted.
I really think that elderly people, in particular, feel that people don't want to visit them and that going to visit is just a hassle or that they do it out of obligation. Maybe giving "stuff" to take home is their way of feeling that there has been a "reward" for going to visit. Maybe they feel like they have to "pay" in some way for company. I'm not really sure but I don't think it's done out of a necessity to clean house, really... I think it's some sort of "exchange" process. Sometimes, I was able to get her to keep her stuff by accepting some tomatoes or beans from the garden or some clippings from her houseplants that I could root once I got home. She seemed happy to give those things - she loved to garden and it pleased her to share her passion for it with someone that was actually interested. We would talk about the plants and she would walk me all around the property even though I'd done it so many times before. But, she would be so enthusiastic... and when she would offer produce or cuttings, I happily accepted. Worked out well in the end 
She really was a lovely woman.
She really was a lovely woman.
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
27 Apr 12
Awww that's great for her! It must be reassuring to know that she's able to take care of herself and can get any of the help she needs. With my ex's family, they lived out in the country... rural enough to be unable to walk to any stores... but close enough that someone with a car could grocery shop, for example, in about 10-15 mins. The grandmother had some money but, to her credit, was very frugal and sustained herself in a simple but comfortable way.
My ex-MIL was "special"... she seemed to feel she didn't "need" to work. When she and the ex-FIL were still married, they had a business that they both worked in but she quit working long before they got divorced (messy situation as she was seeing another man). Anyway, she refused to get a job. Even in her 40's, she would tell people she was "too old" to be out working. So, in her case, she wouldn't (and often couldn't) pay for anything to be done around the property. So anyone that went to visit knew they'd be put to work... and, honestly, it stopped a lot of family members from going there.
I saw you mentioned that sometimes you end up donating the items that Aunt Doris gives you to take home... and I think that's a good thing to do, rather than tossing them away or just leaving them around unused. I think I would have happily done the same with the stuff we trekked home... except the ex-MIL was funny about that -- if she came to our home, she would actually look around for things and question me about where they were if she couldn't find them. I remember one time she came over for lunch and she told me I should put out the tablecloth Nana had given me. Fortunately, I did have it... but I always felt like she was checking. I think, in hindsight, that she didn't really approve of the grandmother giving us anything but she was one of those ladies you didn't disagree with LOL
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
27 Apr 12
Unfortunately, the older people get, the less they can do for themselves. So I'd guess that a lot of visits result in doing chores for them. Thankfully, Aunt Doris has money, so she hires people to do her chores for her. She has a cleaning lady as well as a guy that mows her yard. When she needs extra things done she will ask one of them to do these things for her. She had her cleaning lady drive her to her surgery last year, and her yard guy does most of the heavy work for her. So we never have to do chores when we visit.. just the things I mentioned like helping prepare lunch and then finding things she wants us to take home.
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
17 Apr 12
no, that is too bad that she is like that. it almost sounds to me that she would rather be doing something else. it seems to me that she really doesn't know the value of family. perhaps one day she will wish she had spent more time with you.
we get a ton of stuff given to us because we don't have a lot of money so i politely thank everyone and only keep what i want to.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
17 Apr 12
You've got the wrong impression. She does value people and is extremely generous. She means well with what she does.. she doesn't know how I feel about it because I've never said anything.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
17 Apr 12
I have alot of people who give me things too...and like you they are really things I won't use or don't like....but I take them just to save feelings. I haven't ever had anyone say that my visit was alot of work....but short and rushed..sometimes.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
20 Apr 12
I don't mind short, rushed visits with friends nearby.. but a 2 hour drive for a short visit seems like a lot to me, especially when we don't see her often. I understand she gets worn out easily.. but I'd just rather sit and chat when we visit instead of feeling rushed around to collect stuff, you know.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
17 Apr 12
I don't know what to say ... if I read this story I already get tired of visiting her. Sounds like a work visit :-S
If it comes to giving you stuff I don't think she is doing this because she thinks you really need it. I believe she is doing it because she feels so happy you visit her and she just want to show how happy she is (by giving you this all and make the kids pick out what they like etc).
To be honest I don't know what you can say to her, if it will help to tell her you don't need it all or anything at all. I think it's better to explain to her you really like her and there is no need for her to arrange a lot if you come over (take the food with you). Tell her you would like to sit down with her, talk about .. so you alle have a relaxing time. I don't think a visit like that would feel short to me but I would be very tired afterwards.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
21 Apr 12
This is about the way things are whenever my husband goes over to see his Dad. His Dad just turned 80 but is always complaining no one ever helps him around the house, and then only wants you to help weed or mow lawn, etc. and also fix things. Then he loads you down with things to take home that we usually will not eat or do not want. And usually ends up saying Bad things about me. So it is never a Fun experience usually for us.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
17 Apr 12
I don't know anyoe like that, but if I did, I wouldn't let it happen even once. I'd speak up right away. Next time surprise her with a pizza, and then refuse to do work. You brought food, now y'all can sit and chat.
@AmbiePam (85681)
• United States
23 Apr 12
While I definitely advocate telling her all you want to do is visit, and that you really come just to chat and be with her, if she insists on giving you things, I'd recommend you just take it. Although it doesn't hurt to reassure her once or twice you don't need anything. My grandma is exactly like this. Every visit she sends tons of things home for us. Things we will never use, or food we don't even like. It used to annoy me because sometimes we literally had no room for it! It annoyed my sister even more and once she snapped at my grandmother for it. My uncle even tried intervening once, telling her we didn't need that stuff. But bottom line, that's how she shows her love and concern. She can't think of another way she can be helpful, or another way she can convey her affection, so she gives what she thinks she has to show us in the only we she knows how, that she cares so much. So now, after an initial assurance we don't need anything, I smile and take it. Then when I get home I decide if it is worth keeping, something that should be thrown away, or something to give to charity.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
23 Apr 12
Yeah, I'm not the type to say no, even if I really don't want it, because I know it often hurts their feelings. She tries so hard to be helpful, my foster mom was the same way, only on a smaller scale. I do the same thing with the things we get from her. I keep what I'll use and give away what I won't. She gave us a table on our last visit and I'm still trying to decide what I'm going to do with that.
@much2say (53944)
• Los Angeles, California
24 Apr 12
Oh my! This sort of sounds like my mother-in-law - though a bit different. They only live not even 10 minutes away from us, but going over there is a chore - especially for my husband. As soon as we go there, she give my husband something that needs work on because she can't do it herself (like she can't set her own alarm clock - it's been this way for years - so ridiculous). When we go there for holiday meals, she buys the meal from a store . . . and I don't know in the world she manages to not understand how to heat up anything when the instructions are right there. So she sets everyone else to work since she cannot focus. She can't sit for a minute. She has to go around and do something - she can't focus in on a conversation or discussion . . . she'll make calls or clean up this or that, close the window . . . stuff that can be done at any ol' time. We hate when she buys stuff for us or the kids . . . it's a bunch of useless stuff - and we tell her not to buy stuff anymore (she and father in law are currently about to lose everything and her shopping habits have not ceased yet). She complains to my sister in law that she does not know her grandchildren and that she's kind of down about it . . .yet when we go there, she does not spend time with the kids . . . she puts them in front of the tv, or sets out paper and crayons because she knows my daughter likes to draw . .. and if anyone else is there, she will tell them she can't play because she "has a guest". And, when we do go there, the visit is not very long at all . . . even with holiday meals, everyone tends to eat and run. Mother in law actually wants everyone to stay, but father in law announces, "Looks like so&so wants to go home" or "Well, thank you everyone for coming, I need to go sleep now" when we know darn well it's not his usual bedtime. And so . . . like I said it's similar, but different. Very frustrating!!
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
25 Apr 12
My mother in law was a lot like that too. She'd constantly buy things for the kids from the dollar store, and not even anything they really wanted either. Though, she was able to sit and visit and she did like to spend time with the grandkids. She'd color with them or put puzzles together with them.. she wasn't the type to have to be all over the place.
I wonder if it's something about the older generation. I mean, they were raised in a different era, so being hospitable means something different to them. Perhaps they feel that being hospitable means making sure your guests don't go home empty handed.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
23 Apr 12
That's very interesting, but I don't I really know anybody like that.
Maybe that's part of her personality already. She's always busy, so even visits from her relatives and family are always rushed. Maybe it keeps her mind young when she's always thinking a million miles a minute.
I don't mind rushed-visits on some of my so-called relatives!
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
25 Apr 12
LOL.. there are some people I wouldn't mind rushed visits with.. and honestly I shouldn't complain about rushed visits with Aunt Doris, because she is a bit of a lecturing type.. but I still love her.
@peonyscorpio (62)
• China
18 Apr 12
be busy can let person keep energy, i think, and if you donnot want she tired, maybe you can bring some cooked food with you when to visit her, and take some fruits, or drive her out since she likes travel.
