I am hurting so badly at the hands of my daughter and her family....  

I normally stand up for myself big time. But I also didn't want the grand daughters living on the street. I know what kind of dangers are out there and I didn't want to hear later that the two girls had been harmed. As the situation grew, so did the abuse from my daughter and her husband. I didn't realize that it was abuse until after they were removed from my home.

My best friend was terrified that I was going to end up dead one way or another. I was so stressed that I had to be put on tranquilizers! The final straw was the morning I got up and smelled something hot. I tracked the smell and it was coming from the bedroom the kids were using. I had allowed them to use an electric heater in the room, and I found two cabbage patch dolls rammed up against the heater as tight as they would go. I raced in, grabbed them away from the heater and felt their heads, the hair (which was yarn) was so hot that I couldn't even put my hand on it for more than a nano second. I tossed the dolls to one side and got my grand daughters and started chewing them out. At ages 10 and 13 they should have more brains!!! That evening my son in law chewed me out. The oldest grand daughter claimed that the dolls were up against the heater for just a couple of minutes (which was a lie, as I heard her outside talking to her father for a good five to ten minutes) and that she was coming back in to get them away from the heater. I was told that I couldn't repremand the girls anymore and if they did something wrong I was to go to him (so the girls could lie their way out of it). Well it ended up that I apologized for chewing them out for nearly starting my home on fire, and I informed my daughter and her husband that I wouldn't deal with any of them anymore that if they decided to burn my house down to let me know in advance so I could get my animals out of the house.

A person stuck in the middle of a miserable situation doesn't realize the abuse until it is nearly too late. I got chewed out because I got after the girls for not changing their underware everyday. They would wear it for better than a week. I got the response from my daughter that they were forced to wear their clothes until they were so dirty they could stand alone because of their being homeless and without income. I still can't accept that excuse. I just know that my daughter and family live a totally different lifestyle from mine. They are content to treat their belongings like garbage, not have sufficient income and to live like pigs. I've given up on them and trying to get some different values imparted to them. I even had my daughter say to me that they were looking forward to inheriting my home so they could sell it and buy themselves a home. My friends all were figuring that my daughter and family were trying to drive me into the grave so they could get my home. Thing is, I wrote a will and left nearly everything to charity. My home and contents are to be sold and the money divided, with the kids getting $100 to be paid to them over the space of ten years...providing that they donate time working at the homeless shelter. I have people who are going to accept the critters I have and my daughter and family essentially get nothing else.

That is a shame, is this your only child? As they say "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND" one day she will be sorry for the way she has treated you. I feel so bad for you, I hope you can get on with your life, and I pray that your daughter will get it together for the sake of her daughters.

Thank you! I was outside with my BF earlier today working doing our annual chore of splitting and stacking fire wood. I started getting depressed because along with everything else my daughter and family used up four cords of firewood last winter keeping the house at a constant temperature of 90 degrees. If it got too hot in the house they would open all the windows and keep the fire going! By the time they left all my fire wood was gone and neighbors had to donate so that I could stay warm the rest of the cold period.

I guess the posting came from depression and disappointment. I heard from most of my neighbors that the kids would have been allowed to stay if they had shown ANY attempt at helping around the house and the area I live in. The home owners, in exchange for the lower fees, work ten hours a year on various projects in the area. I look around at other home owners off spring working their tails off on the homes (painting, weeding, roofing, replacing siding, helping with the remodeling, doing automotive work and whatever else needs to be done.) and when they finish the project they all go out and have fun on the lake. (I live in a gated community beside a lake here in California. I was lucky that my Mom left the place to me because there isn't anywhere I can live less expensivley on my disability income) I look at my place and there is so much that I needed to get done last year and the beginning of this year...and there was no help and no money because I was supporting them. I just spotted that the cupboards that my father built are separating from the wall and need to be replaced. It hurts like crazy that they can't get off their dead bottoms and help...I had two surgeries and my daughter couldn't be bothered helping out by cleaning house. (I was restricted in my activities, I couldn't lift anything or push or pull anything that weighed over 3 pounds. It was abdominal surgery so I was laid up for two months with these restrictions! I ended up ignoring them in an effort to keep my house somewhat clean.)

Anyhow, I needed to vent the disappointment and the depression. I looked at the situation and realized that I am tired of being broke from paying off the bills they caused and from paying the various fines to the home owner's association. I went out and worked my tail off stacking firewood and it worked off a lot of the bad feelings.


Also, I think that this post has helped me see that things do need to get beyond what they were and get my life back to normal. I am back to working on crafts for selling at craft shows. (I am currently making reversable dog coats. Next I'll get back to doing my teddy bears and needle felting) I think that somewhere along the line I will be feeling much better about me and the way my life is going.

Thanks again for your wonderful response! I thought that the M & M's weren't too great for a Christmas gift!

BTW, I forgot to mention that she is my only child. I was so thrilled at having a daughter the I didn't want to have more children (plus I couldn't). So much for only children. I didn't spoil her, we both worked for what we wanted and she had regular chores to do. It is so disappointing that she turned out this way!

I spent so much of my life in upset and terror. My brother abused me constantly as I was growing up, and my parents were always fighting and threatening divorce. I promised myself that I wouldn't have that kind of upset in my life. I guess I holed in too much and just let it happen around me. My BF came down many many times during the time my daughter and her family were there and picked me up off the floor and took me to his home to try to get me calmed down from the hysterical crying.


I will state that they are no longer welcome in my home for more than a couple of hours, if even that. I get the feeling that my daughter is trying to mend fences because Christmas is coming up again and they want the loot from Grandma. It isn't going to happen. I still hurt from loosing the dog, especially since my daughter's mother in law has a maltez that has bitten everyone including the owner. Our animal control has a bite complaint on file as the dog bit a neighbor so badly that the neighbor needed emergancy care. The dog has bitten the grand daughters and my daughter has NEVER demanded that the dog be put down, yet she had the guts to pull it on me!


To be honest, I am having a very very bad time even considering forgiving the lot of them. I just can't imagine someone treating someone else in the way I've been treated. I have always been a giving person and am right there to help out other people who are in desparate need. I have helped friends that have needed food and clothes and I got a phone call from one of them the other day. They are expecting a sitmulus payment and they want to know what I can use in the way of food. They want to share the wealth and help me out during this rough time. They are planning to buy me some of my favorite tea that I haven't been able to afford. The last box I had my boy friend bought me and I allowed myself only one cup of it a day. The friend is also planning to buy me meat and they have asked my boy friend what else they could get me. I sit here right now wanting to cry because these friends have more concern for me than my own daughter!


I have had to promise the home owners association that the kids will NOT EVER stay with me for any period longer than two nights at the most. It was the easiest promise I ever signed!

I think you have a great idea, she does need to spend it away from home, and not even mention her plans to her daughter. As for getting them anything for Christmas, if it were me, not in this lifetime! I might send the granddaughters some little something, but that would be it. After all, it's not really their fault that they don't have parents who are responsible adults.

When I was at my Mom's bedside night and day during the time she was dying, I gave every ounce of love and strength to try to pull her through. I spent the last 18 hours of her life with my arms wrapped around her telling her how much I loved her. When her life signs dropped and her breathing slowed down to one breath every two minutes I was sure she was gone, but she fought her way back. Five hours later the same thing happened and I realized that she was fighting her way back because she was worried about me. I did the hardest thing in my life, I lied to the woman and told her that I would be okay without her, that my daughter would be there to help me out. Tears were running down everyone's face as I let my Mother know that it was okay to leave me. I slept that night with her head in my arms. She died in my arms at 5:50 a.m the next day. Nothing in the world is more precious to me than my family.


I should clarify that this isn't the only time I have provided a roof for my daughter and her family. I had the kids, grand kids and my son in laws mother stay with me for three weeks after I paid for them to come back from Washington state. I had them stay with me in 2004/05 for seven months, fortunately this time is was only my daughter, son in law and grand daughters. My daughter managed to total my car then too. Between the three times that they stayed with me it has cost me nearly $30,000! I don't have an enormous income, so that much money hurts! Not because of the "things" I could buy with it, but because there are so many repairs that need to be done on my home, that I need to get propane so that I can heat my home and heat my bath water. At this point I am scraping by with a food budget of $15 a week so that I can pay off the bills that were incurred by having them here.


Forgiveness will come. But in this case I feel that the forgiveness needs to be earned. I really don't want too much contact with them until they can prove to me that they are responsible members of society and have learned to respect others and themselves. They need to change their lives and deal with life like adults. I don't care about being paid back for everything, I do care about them realizing that they need to put their bills first, they need to get into a house rather than a motor home, and they need to take charge and change.


I had written a long response filling in some of the gaps. Like my last birthday I came home from a wonderful birthday dinner with my BF and ended up having to clean the kitchen. The sink was full of dishes, the counters were full of food and ants. I did dishes, removed garbage and then had to clean the bathroom because the uncle had thrown up and there was vomit on the toilet seat and the rim of the toilet. I was no more than a live in maid and house keeper. I set rules and they were ignored, I assigned chores and they weren't done. Family is very precious, but there are times that you have to stop and say woah! You can't contact me until you look at your life and decide that things have to change. I am not really angry, just enormously hurt at the lack of respect and fair treatment.

Where her daughter is concerned, 'love given unconditionally' means give me a home, money, your car, and let me run your life mom. Sometimes forgiveness can be a good thing, however, in this case, her daughter doesn't deserve it. And I have know too many people like her daughter, they do not change, as long as they can mooch off of someone else, they see nothing wrong with it. She needs to cut all ties with them, yes it's sad that their daughters have to be subjected to this, but her daughter needs to grow up.

Forgiveness is for the benefit of the Mother so she can free herself and move on to happiness. Perhaps forgiveness will not sink in with the daughter as she yet needs to learn respect but for the sake of the Mothers pain, forgiving and putting it in God's hands is the best thing she can do. The Universe has a way of teaching the daughter, it's called karma.

I too have been disrespected by my own children at some point in time, I understand the pain but in forgiving them for their mistake it eased my emotional pain and in time they learned through unconditional Love to give the respect due. You see Love has a way of teaching unspoken lessons. People expect to get a rise out of you and some even feed off the negativity so by suppressing that negative energy it gives room for the positive to flourish. Of course she wont forget how she was treated but at least be able to move forward and have some personal happiness. It is obvious that she dearly Loves her family and what a noble thing to do to take them in. It is a shame that she was taken advantage of and I will Pray for her that her needs are met. I read a quote from Albert Einstein that said "One pays the most for the things one gets for nothing". The daughter may learn the hard way and hopefully not before it's to late to make amends.

I agree with your comment totally, but I would take it a step further and if the situation ever came up again tell her daughter that she and the two granddaughters can stay for a short while but husband and other relatives cannot stay . Sounds like someone needs to be teaching those girls some manners and good behavior and a lot of respect for their Grandmother.
I know it is easy to say what a person will do in a situation and the reality of a situation is totally different. It is very hard to stand up to people . Somehow we get to feeling like we do not deserve to be treated with respect.