Does it really work with Step Children, especially if you are the non -resident,  

Being a second parent is really a challenge. Co parenting with your sister or brother for one reason or another, is also a challenge. I agree, these pseudo parents are disenfranchised. They also have the wicked step parent image to live with, and live down. It does not help second marriages succeed.

I don't have any children step or otherwise. I can imagine how hard it would be to be a step-mother. I lived with a guy once that got his kids every other weekend and it was hell when they were here. Your right the father feels guilty and wants to show the kids he loves them and they can take advantage of the situation. It would probably be harder if the kids were with you all the time. I don't think step-parents have many rights in the US either. I would think no matter how good your marriage is kids would put a strain on it. The only thing the step-parent can do is prey that they grow up quick.

hi jennybianca yes I can see where you are coming from but cannot help much as I am a senior citizen who was married to one man all her life much to the amazement of everyone I talk to, and have never been divorced etx. But I can understand how it would be and the media does not make it any easier with all the stuff About mean and wicked stepmothers, kids can pick up on all that stuff too.My opinion is that second husbands and step kids should treat their step mothers with respect and kindness not with meanness and bad manners. hope this helps.

I have a daughter of my own also and my husband also has three children of his own too. His children never did give me a chance or accept me and they have now cut all ties with their father, my husband, also. My daughter loves my husband like a real father though.

It CAN work IF both sides work together. I've seen it done so I do know it can work. I dated a guy who was divorced and he had two kids. He didn't get to see his kids very often until I made a point that his sons are more than welcome to come and visit us for we lived together. That's what started the weekly weekend visits which were right nice because we had a lot of fun together. I told my boyfriend that as far as his kids are concerned, they come first because they are his kids. They came before I did and they didn't ask to be brought into this world and to be thrusted into a broken home so they come first as far as what I want and what they want as long as it's his decision to make the right choice because it really depends on the situation such as, say if I were sick and the boys wanted to go fishing, well that's where I come first because I'm sick and in need of him however, if his boys and I were both sick and we all need to see a doctor, they come first because kids can't take themselves. Now when it comes to a vindictive ex, you have to be the bigger one and not cause a conflict even if she tries to get under your skin. Let the spouse or boyfriend handle it. If he doesn't then you know who's side he's on and that's when it's time to move on. It is hard but yes, it can be done if one is strong enough to bear with it and do the right thing no matter what it is. Just in case you don't know, he died when our house caught fire in 1990 so it's why we're not together today. But I do have a wonderful wonderful husband now so I'm happy.

I agree...it is a thankless job and very difficult...maybe impossible. I was in that spot years ago and would never go back to it.

Hello, Jenny. I've had the reverse role, where my kids stayed with their father and had it indoctrinated that my second husband was lower down the pond life scale than Herod, Hitler or the worst serial killers. My eldest son was working away from home when we split, so he missed all the stuff about Tony breaking up a happy marriage, etc., and was the only one of my 3 who accepted the change straight away. The truth was, of course, nothing like that. It takes two to make or break a marriage, and it's very rarely that one person is solely responsible. Tony's kids were older, but they had their own children, so there was a bit of a war going on about who was the best parent/grandparent, who was to blame for the break up, who was the most important, and all the rest of the crap.

I was cast in the role of wicked stepmother/ grandmother, until my second husband's daughter broke up with her husband and received the same treatment from his children. Then I morphed from wicked stepmother and marriage wrecker (which I wasn't) to misunderstood, loveable human being (which I hope I was). I could have made mileage out of it and got very bitter and twisted, but I decided to just embrace the change and get on with it. Now, 15 years down the line, everyone gets on really well together. I think they all came to realise in the long run that their parents/grandparents were much happier now than they had been for years, and that anyone who made their loved ones so happy couldn't be all bad.

When my hubs and I met my stepson was living with his mom. He didn't move in with us until my hubs and I moved in together. So I've seen both sides of the resident non-resident issue as a step parent. While we lived apart, the son was a horror to be honest. He resented my presence in his father's life because that took away from the time his father used to spend with him. And the mother egged him on in his attitude towards me. When we moved in together though my hubs was smart enough to agree to present a united front to the boys (my sons were living with us at that time too), and the stepson soon learned that he couldn't manipulate his father or me to serve his own ends. This also frustrated the mother who would call me up and tell me terrible lies about my husband and the way he treated his kids when they all lived together. If I ran into her in the grocery store she used to shriek and run for the parking lot, convinced I was going to beat her up! lol All in her head of course as I'd never given her a reason to think so. But it was part of her psychosis that being an abuser herself, so was everyone else.
I agree with you that step children can and do cause marriages to fail. My own son's illness (cancer) was nearly the death of my current marriage when he came home to me while he got treatment. The hubs just couldn't understand my total devotion to him. But luckily we got through it and have come out the other side of adapting to our marriage and various children and are stronger and better for it. I wish wholeheartedly that this had been true for you too Jenny. What a terrible time of year to have such a thing happen to you. Do email me if you want to talk, vent, scream, yell, cry or whatever you need. I'm a good listener and would understand completely where you are coming from. I'll pm you with my email addy........

Believe me , I know how you feel, I went through the same thing, I raised two stepchildren, and it was like running the 'guantlet' if you are familiar with that event!
It's true, second marriages are super hard to make it through, and I can see where many marriages can fail because of the stresses of stepchildren!
But I was lucky, because at the end of my marriage I had two wonderful stepchildren, that i love very much, and they have a lot of respect for me, and love me just like they do their real Dad ! But I did raise them from the time they were 2 and 4 yrs old. And we are not even from the same race!
My marriage ended, but it had nothing to do with the stepchildren, there were other issues that had a helping hand!
I guess all you can say is , what happens , happens, and you just have to make the best of it!



ps- jennybianca, thank you for the best response you gave me on that other post !

Stepmothers are often viewed as wicked witch by stepchildren in many fairy tales stories but in reality stepmothers are the most misunderstood mothers of all mothers. They should be given the chance to prove their worthiness in giving and receiving love from both sides. I think most divorced men when entering into new relationships should have carefully chosen women who can accept them with extra luggage and who can be alternative mothers to their kids. It is no longer the stepmothers who are wicked but stepchildren has become the barrier in most relationships. They can either make or break a relationship. It is tough to be on a second marriage with men carrying extra load. It needs extra efforts to please everyone (husband and stepchildren) to earn permanency in a second marriage.