Do You Apologize To Keep The Peace?

@wolfie34 (26868)
United Kingdom
September 11, 2009 11:18am CST
Twice this week, within the space of two days I have apologized when it wasn't even my fault and afterwards I am like kicking myself for being so damn weak and stupid! I mean if it wasn't my fault then why should I apologize? Am I the only one who does this? I just want a quiet, unconfrontational life and rather than cause an atmosphere or create a confrontation that I avoid at all costs, I will give in and apologize and yet the two people I apologized to, didn't even have the grace to accept my apology in the way it was given, they were in the wrong in the first damn place and yet their attitude stunk which left me feeling afterwards why did I bother? I used to do this when I was a teen, I would cross swords with my father so many times, but I am a stubborn whatsit, I guess it's because I am a Taurean, I would refuse to apologize to my father even though I was in the right and yet because it caused a bad atmosphere my mum used to beg me to apologize to him, and I hated that.... I couldn't understand why I had to apologize for something that wasn't my fault Do you do this? Apologize just to keep the peace? Or feel it's always down to you to apologize first? Have you ever had to make an apology which stuck in your throat, and you would rather walk over burning hot coals in bare feet than stoop to apologizing to someone that didn't deserve an apology?
5 people like this
25 responses
@thea09 (18222)
• Greece
11 Sep 09
Oh wolfie, you're not still fuming over apologising to me for bringing the strawberry ice cream round the other night are you after I'd called you a stingey ice cream hogger. Well I refuse to apologise, I was in the right, you were flaunting your ice cream and thus to blame. I only apologise when I am in the wrong. No I lie, I apologised to the dentist the other day that my tooth was so difficult to get out and she was in there for nearly two hours, but that was a dentist wielding a hammer. I too like the peace but don't get confrontational in the first place.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
11 Sep 09
Hi Thea, I had truthfully forgotten about it! But thanks for reminding me I shall indulge tonight ;0) But you are different, putting that in the nicest possible way, I know where I stand with you, it's just some people really goad me, you know! I guess I let people get to me too much, but I guess I am still raw with all the confrontations I used to have my ex.
1 person likes this
@thea09 (18222)
• Greece
11 Sep 09
Stand up right my friend
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Sep 09
Good day... I admire your outlook in life. For me it kind of depends on the person and on the situation. Generally,I don't apologize for something that I haven't done, I mean why? If it's my fault then no problem I will apologize but if not then why would I? It's going to be unhealthy for apologizing to something that I didn't do and also by letting the one who is in fault to get away with it. We as people have responsibility to our actions and we must not tolerate ourselves and other people to get away with their mistakes. On the other hand if it's my parents or love ones well if the apology would help improve the situation or circumstances even if it isn't my fault then I can do it for the sake of that person. Love is more important than apology.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Sometimes just a simple apology can save so much hurt, misery and unpleasantness especially if you live with someone or your loved ones. You are right it does really depend on the person and the situation. I just like a quiet life, I guess there is nothing wrong with that.
@nannacroc (3993)
11 Sep 09
I used to but not any more, well, sometimes but said in such as way as not to be an apology more of a sneer. Mr Croc has learned to apologise just for being, mainly when all three girls are here. He knows we love him though so mainly stays out of the room saying he can't cope with all four of his females. I used to apologise to keep the peace if anything had upset my parents but that's all.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Yes I am the peacemaker and because I have apologized so many times it sort of becomes second nature!
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
12 Sep 09
I don't think I apologize to keep the peace. Rather, if I feel like I've done something wrong, then I'll apologize. If I know I had done something wrong, I am never too proud or slow to give a sincere apology. Sometimes in misunderstandings, my line would be: "I apologize if I had offended you, however, to my understanding..." I am not confrontational...I do talk about issues when they're there but I try my best to find the right approach. When I was younger, my parents had to beat an apology out of me and that is probably why I am the way I am today. I do apologize when the situation merits it. I don't think it's stooping if you did apologize to someone that didn't deserve it. I think it's the opposite. You're the bigger person because you don't let your pride get in the way of things. In misunderstandings, it always takes more than 1 person for it to happen...that's why I'd say that line I mentioned. I wouldn't think that an apology makes a person a pushover, though some of my friends think that I am. I just think that I will not go as far as being bitter as the people who have wronged me. I believe in standing up for yourself though, like many have said in your thread. Nice topic. Thanks for sharing this one.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
And thank you too for your great response, I appreciate it and maybe I can learn from what you have said, it certainly puts a different light on apologizing and being the better man and walking away proud instead of thinking you are a pushover or weak.
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
12 Sep 09
I think you must be a nice person because for one, you are not confrontation and you're not too proud to apologize. I have that problem with my boyfriend sometimes but I try to understand it. He finds it hard to apologize because of his pride. So, I think you should be proud that you aren't like that. Some people struggle with apologies because they feel like it makes them weak. Another thing I find admirable is that you're open to new ideas and opinions. Thanks for responding. Have a happy weekend.
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Thank you for the compliments, much appreciated! Nice to be complimented, you too have a great weekend!
@dawnald (83851)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Sep 09
No I do it too. Somebody called me a "smoother". ie Somebody who smooths things over. I don't deal well with conflict, I avoid conflict, I smooth it over. And then later I say to myself, "why did you do that?"
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
11 Sep 09
We like a quiet life my friend, that is the trouble and yes we kick ourselves afterwards but consider the alternatives, getting our blood pressure up, making ourselves ill in the process and getting angry and full of angst, is that worth it? For just one or two words? Which you don't have to mean but keeps the peace and our sanity intact!
2 people like this
@dawnald (83851)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Sep 09
And sometimes that's OK but in some situations I really need to learn to speak up or it causes more stress in the long run.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
11 Sep 09
I think it also depends on the person we are apologizing too.
2 people like this
@sweetie1026 (1724)
• Philippines
13 Sep 09
I sometimes feel that way and i agree it doesn't feel good. But as i have grown more mature and older i have realized that it is not that degrading to apologize though it wasn't my fault after all. I also do not want arguments or anything like it so to keep the peace i do apologize even if i wasn't at fault and mind you i find peace in that. I find it quite fulfilling to be able to apologize to people who even doesn't deserve any. I just wish that they realize that it was their fault and then be ashamed of what they have done later on.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
13 Sep 09
Hello my dear friend I hope you are well. I think some people wouldn't accept an apology anyhow you can't help those people they have a problem, we have done our bit we have given the hand of peace and it takes courage and strength to do that, weakness is when they can't accept it or think they've won or go on thinking it was never their fault that my friend is ignorance and stupidity and a fault on their part not ours!
• Philippines
13 Sep 09
That is true indeed. It takes courage to apologize for a thing you weren't at fault at all. But it is their lost not ours. I am doing good, thank you, my friend. I hope you are too. Have a good Sunday.
@MsTickle (23990)
• Australia
17 Sep 09
I learned a while ago not to bother. I learned that the other person/people involved didn't give a shyte, it was just me that was peeed off and the best thing to do was walk away, let it go. It was me getting all steamed and feeling fragile and the other/s had already forgotten about it. You and I are our own worst enemy wolfie. In all honesty I was hoping to do more than keep the peace when I apologised under these circumstances...I was hoping to guilt the other one into aplogising as well and taking responsibility for being in the wrong....but they never did.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
17 Sep 09
You said it my friend I am my own worst enemy, I always have been, in every way sadly, I don't need anyone to beat me up I do that myself. Sighs, one day I might learn to truly love myself and don't need to apologize just to be me.
@suzzy3 (8437)
16 Sep 09
With a teenage son who knows everthing and insists I know nothing it is easier to say its my fault and then wait for him to find out for himself eventually.Just to hear him admit I was right is enough for me.on the whole I do apologize just for the peace and quiet.He will come back and say he is very sorry,then I think he has grown up a bit more.It is getting to that stage that is a difficult thing to go through.I am a cancerian and not very good at confrontation.I will get my money back in a shop if I buy faulty goods ect as I am stubborn.Around the house with my husband he is the same as me.As for others outside our unit if I cannot get along with them I tend to stay away,being right is not a thing that important to me.A quite life these days is something more valuable to my well being.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
16 Sep 09
Hello my friend, sanity is extremely important in the crazy, precarious world we live in, a few little words can make a great deal of difference between losing it and keeping it. And after all they are only words on the scale of things aren't they. Far better let someone think they have won than cause untold stress, anger and continued confrontation, small price for peace indeed!
@Humbug25 (12553)
15 Sep 09
Hi ya wolfie34 Yes yes yes!! I am a mouse like you hahaha. I opologised to my friend last week because she offered to take my son to school for me as I had to go for my pre-op and I thought we had arranged to meet at the junior school but when I got there she was there and I found her waiting at the infant school. She laughed at me saying that I was daft, blaming me completely for the mess up. I was so sure it was her but just oppologised anyway, after all she was doing me a favour.
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
15 Sep 09
Sometimes just a few words can save so much ill-feeling and uncomfortable situations for us, mainly for them, we are the better ones after all as we are much more sensitive to others, so I realize this is actually a strength and not a weakness. It's just that some will exploit it, but then again, are the exploiters the ones we really want in our lives?
@sjvenden27 (1851)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Yes I have apologized in the past just to keep the peace.. Then later feeling like dirt, because I was not able to stand my ground... and assume the blame for what ever the problem may have been... In some ways we are all at fault in a disagreement or a fight there is more then one party.. With this in mind we say things or do things in the flame of anger that we feel bad about... but having to always apologize or be "wrong" does a number on ones self esteem.. A suggestion for next time... if you are seeing that the other person is looking for an apology and you feel like you did not do anything wrong... dont give one... instead just keep quiet.. that may seem like the wrong way of handling it... Have you ever heard silence is deadly.. That is so true, the person has no idea what you are thinking.. Therefore if the person is guilty of something they will sit and stew... Having to look at themselves to figure out the problem and what is going on... It does work sometimes... would not recommend it for every case... Good luck
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Silence is golden indeed, thank you for your recommendation I will remember that for next time. I do look at it now as a positive, for being a peacemaker I smooth things over, it's only words too at the end of the day, you may say them, but then you may not necessarily mean them.
@Abbyey (760)
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
Hi wolfie, for me it actually depends on what the arguement was about and who am I arguing with. If I'm arguing with someone I love, someone part of my family or friends, I would prefer to apologize to keep the peace and then later on when he/she is no longer angry, that's the time I expressed how I feel in such a way that it communicates something like: "I'm sorry about everything and that you got upset/mad. I just got hurt with what you said/did." then the conversation usually goes very calm and the other person realizes that it's also his/her mistake. When I ask myself why I CHOOSE to do that? I simple answer it with, "That person is important to me and he/she is my love, family or friend; I wouldn't let this go between us." Of course I also understand the feeling of choosing to walk away than apologizing when it's not my fault. I don't apologize when the other person is someone i don't know at all. "Oh am I bad to say that?" Well, I guess maybe pride and ego is quite lively at that exact moment that I would prefer to FIGHT til the end "I'm right and you're wrong".... But then again wolfie... I am proud of you in a way because you are able to swallow your pride/ego and simple apologize to keep the peace. If I can be like that at all times, I think I'll be a better person. :) Abby
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Sometimes you have to think it's only words, words don't have to mean anything, just two or three words that is all it takes, you may think differently but what the hell you've just smoothed over an awkward situation. I do it for myself because I am calm for saying it, so I look after myself. Thank you your compliments, appreciated!
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Hi wolfie, I really hate this about myself! I have certainly done this a lot in the past and I feel so weak and embarrassed. I genuinely believe that apologies should be made if you have done something wrong but not otherwise. I think that constantly taking part in that in the past well, this has resulted in me becoming slightly hard hearted! I don't like having people walk all over me as a result of them thinking me soft and weak. There's only so much you can put up with in life and I have decided that this thing of constantly apologising will remain firmly in my past. Andrew
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
A few people have turned this around in that we are not weak, we are peacekeepers and this is actually a strength too! Kind of like a mediator in affect. Also they are only words, they don't have to mean anything, for the sake of peace and harmony and a quiet life a couple of words said and you can move on, rather than let things escalate give yourself added stress and high blood pressure then you will find yourself with a heart op or bypass! as in your current discussion. Life is too short and an apology sometimes is just a small price for peace.
@derek_a (10905)
12 Sep 09
If it is a no-win situation, I have to ask myself if it really matters or not. And if the person is upset, and they refuse to see my point of view, then I will apologize. As a Zen practitioner I can see how powerful the mind can be and if a person is stuck in an incorrect point of view, then they will usually defend that position until they can see the truth of the matter. Some people are just not ready to see and accept certain things though. If I am working with a client (I am a therapist), I would never apologize for exposing the truth to somebody, because they are consulting with me to get to the core of their problems, not for me to make them feel comfortable and "be nice" to them in the short term. Judgement is an "enemy" and if we judge ourselves to be weak because of something we have done or not done, it is counter-productive. The past is gone and will never return, what we have done, we have done. We are not perfect, and will make many more mistakes and often take the easy way out of situations. I just say to this, "OK, I have taken the easy way out, so what?" I am aware of it, and next time a similar situation arises, I may or may not take the easy way out. It depends on how I feel. When you win an argument and prove that you are right, what exactly have you won? Would you really be interested in "wearing this badge" with honour? Yes, I can fully identify with what you say about your father. Apologizing to my father was an entirely different kettle of fish! - Derek
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
I have now started to use rational thinking and kind of like you said the moment has gone, I dealt with it, move on, you can't analyze it or change it, because it's happened, you are wasting time and forgetting the present by thinking too much of the past and how you can fix it, you can't! It's happened... But by using rational thinking I now say to myself. 'What can I learn from that experience' so that next time I can adopt a different stance. You can but learn from bad mistakes it's what makes us stronger.
• Australia
12 Sep 09
I suppose it depends on the situation. If it was a serious matter, I would prefer to discuss things and work them out - providing this could be achieved in a respectful way - as soon as possible. If it is a family matter, it would be remedied post-haste, upholding the truth and fairness, and hopefully with apologies all round. If it is a simple thing, like bumping into someone, I will apologise even if it was the other person's fault. I do not believe in "Peace at any price" or being a doormat for a dictatorial egoist, but neither do I think it pays to stand on one's dignity and refuse to budge. I have at times felt that apologising to someone who knows he/she is in the wrong achieves more than an argument. An apology can be like a slap in the face. The person KNOWS he/she was wrong and feels even more guilty when receiving an apology.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
It's on the same lines as killing someone with kindness, you know they are nasty, rude and unfriendly yet by being nice, polite and friendly to them you are killing them with kindness and they don't like it, but that doesn't work on everyone as I have found out, same as apologizing, people think you are weak and have the upperhand. It also depends on the person, with my ex I refused point blank to back down, I was damn stubborn, I lived with them but rather than apologize I would dig my heels in, 95% of the time my ex would back down.
@guybrush (4665)
• Australia
12 Sep 09
I definitely apologise when I've done something wrong - but I won't apologise for a perceived wrong. I hate injustice, and I hate cowardice - so I'd rather front up and sort out the problem rather than have misunderstandings and misinformation hanging in the air. Often something can be misinterpreted, so I'd rather sort it out than have bad vibes and bad karma. You never really know what people are thinking about you, so I'd rather they confronted me than harboured bad thoughts. I wouldn't apologise just to keep the peace, because it would definitely stick in my throat. I can understand where your Mum was coming from - being a mother myself, I understand she would have wanted harmony within the family unit - but it seems very unfair the apology had to come from the child, rather than the adult. It's a hard fact of life, though!
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@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Yes my friend and it's hard keeping the peace sometimes especially when you have to live with someone, I didn't get on with my father and apologizing to him when I knew damn well he was in the wrong even my mum did, but it was the harmony as you said at stake so I felt I had no alternative. So I guess I am used to it and thus carry on through my adulthood apologizing when I don't need to to keep the peace.
@zzyw87 (1261)
• Philippines
12 Sep 09
I don't really apologize if I am not in the wrong. In my opinion, why should I apologize if I did not even do something wrong or hurtful. Though once, I had to apologize forcefully to my mother even if I was not wrong. Why? Because if I did not apologize, she would not talk to me. As you did, I also had to apologize just to restore the peace and harmony at home. If not, it would have been awkward and cold. Generally, I am a very proud person which is why I don't make the first move to say sorry, especially when it comes to friends. If there's a "cold war" between us, so be it. I usually just make exceptions for my parents only. Only the two of them and nobody else, not even my siblings.
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@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
I guess it depends on the person and the situation, sometimes for the sake of peace it's easier just to say sorry and get it over and done with rather than the situation get worse or more uncomfortable, especially if you have to live with them!
@horsesrule (1884)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Oh I have definitely apologized when it wasn't my fault, many times in fact. I don't like doing it either but in the interest of peace in the household, I will do it. Plus, and this is very petty of me (I admit it), I feel very smug and somewhat superior when I apologize when I am NOT the one who was at fault! To me, it means that I am mature enough to apologize in spite of not really being the one at fault. Do you know what I mean?
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@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
That is a good point and a positive way of looking at it, thanks!
@Hatley (110077)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Sep 09
hi wolfie I always used to apologize so as not to have a confrontation but now as a senior citizen to heck I am no longer a wuss, I just shake my head and go away on my own business. I had an apology that really did make me choke was to my supervisor because I bumped into her after she had been less than friendly with me.but I did do it and found out she was bi-polar. up and happy loved everyone one day, and down and h ateful to all of us. she refused to take anything or go to a doctor either.
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@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Hiya my friend, sometimes I think life is too short to make yourself worry about other people especially those that don't mean anything to you, they have no importance, but then saying sorry sometimes is just only words and they don't have to mean anything, but they can save so much stress and confrontations for an easy life.
• United States
11 Sep 09
I have apologized many times in my life to keep the peace. I feel that peace is one of the most important things in my life. I have health problems and I do not need the stress. As you grow older you realize that most arguments that we get into are not a all important. Why not give in it just might help you to live longer. Not only that you want remember within a few months what the conflict was all about.
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
Welcome to Mylot! Yes life is too short and stressful enough to argue and for confrontations over petty things which seem to get magnified out of proportion. Who needs that? For the sake of a couple of words which you don't have to mean!
@pumpkinjam (4534)
11 Sep 09
I don't think you're the only one to do this! I won't apologise for things that aren't my fault although I think I probably have done in the past. Actually, I did apologise to the man who crashed into me a couple of weeks ago. I think it was just automatic and partly because I didn't really notice until afterwards that it actually wasn't my fault. I have been in similar situations to the one with you and your parents whereas someone else does something wrong and the person in the middle gets you to apologise as if they've decided it's your fault. I don't see now why I should apologise for something that's not my fault and I won't do usually but sometimes it's the only way to keep the peace especially if the other person is stubborn. It doesn't make you weak though but some people might be more likely to wait for you to do the apologising because they think you are the weaker one.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26868)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 09
The wrong kind of people see this as a weakness and prey on it, those that respect you and like you for the right reasons will see it as you being the peacemaker and that can be a talent rather than a weakness.
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