Is 3% enough to pay my Ex?

@jennybianca (12913)
Australia
January 21, 2010 1:21am CST
As some of you know, I separated from my husband about 3 months ago. Over the past two years, there was Domestic Violence. He became far more irrational and unstable after we separated. The law in my state states quite clearly, that as I owned more assets than my ex, Ihave to make him a payment. It doesn't matter: -that domestic violence occured and the police came and I could have laid charges -it doesn't matter that I owned all my assetts at least ten years before I met my ex -it doesn't matter that some of my assetts are intended for my daughter, whose Father died when she was 2 yrs. The minimum payout required is at least 10% of my assetts. I am offering 3%. My lawyer says I will probably end up in Court, as most likely my ex wont accept this. If he doesn't accept the 3%, I am going to lay charges on the assault, even though it was over one year ago. My lawyer won't like that at all, but too bad. I don't see why my ex should get 10% of my assetts at all. They were never his. He brought nothing to the marriage. What do you think?
12 people like this
28 responses
@andy77e (5163)
• United States
22 Jan 10
First, if you can lay charges against him for assault, why not do it to begin with? Second, the law is the law. There are things in life worth fighting, and things in life not worth fighting. Before you go into battle, you should do a risk and reward. How much will it cost? How much effort will it take? How much time will you lose? How much a toll will it take on your already harmed family? What are the chances of you actually winning? And even if you by some chance win, will it have been worth all the extra cost? As for whether it's fair, I see an awful lot of girls that bring nothing to a marriage, live with a guy for 3 years, and demand half the assets when they run off with another lover. Had a friend who had a wife who was like some sort of she-devil. Made him miserable. He called it quits, then the real hell started. She fought him over everything, great and small, to take as much from him as she could. Finally after fighting her for over a year, he just caved in, and gave her most of what she wanted. Yeah he could have kept fighting, but as long as he was constantly in court, constantly messing with her endless demands, his life was at a stand still. Yeah it sucked giving that female oger all that stuff, but in the end he had his life back, so it was worth it. Here's another way to look at it. Do not lose 90% of your life, over 7% of your current assets. You may find the trade off to be a bad one.
4 people like this
@andy77e (5163)
• United States
23 Jan 10
Exactly. I understand completely that in the moment, you wanted to save your marriage. That time has past. So instead of trying to threaten him, if you have legal grounds to lay charges, then do so, and get it out of the way. Like I said before my concern is looking forward, not looking back on "would have, should have, could have". You are intelligent, successful, full of life. You got better things to do than mess with this screw ball. Ditch him, shed a tear for love lost, and get back to living. Personally, if a mere 10% makes this idiot go away, I'm giving it to him, and never looking back. One amusing way of putting it is, you are paying a service fee to remove an annoyance. Some clown is bouncing around in your life, and you want him and his stupidity gone. That 10% is the removal charge.
3 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
23 Jan 10
I will try hard to look at it that way!! Thanks very much.
2 people like this
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
26 Jan 10
I have a question. Have you filed for divorced or still separated. If you haven't filed for divorce, and have family or friends. You can give things to them that has money value, and have them returned to you once the divorce is finalized. You can't give 10% of something to someone that you don't have of. If it's property, you can find out the cost to hand it over to a family or friend that is very trust worthy to hand it back over to you once the smoke has cleared. If your daughter is a certain age, you can have her assets put in her name so it belongs to her and not yours. Your laws might be harsh, but we have something like that here. After 10 years of being married, the other is entitled to half of the others belongings. I do hope this helps some. I honestly don't think this is fair, it makes me sick how the bad always gets more than the ones that actually deserve it. You can also talk to him, explain that he either turns down the offer of the money or take the 3%. If not you will not have no choice but to take his a$@ to court and everything he did while married to you will come out like a stain in the wash. You have to dig deep and play dirty. There are always loop holes in everything. I have told my lawyer to find them or I would find one that will. Good Luck.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
27 Jan 10
We are separated and have not filed for divorce yet. I looked into that idea of transferring assetts to my daughter, or making purchases, but that just wont work. The lawyer said they can go back to the beginning of our relationship to check what aseetts I had. Im waiting now to see what his response is, via his lawyer, to the 3% offer. Im almost certain h will reject it. Then I am going to go deep and play dirty,. but not so my lawyer knows, as she doesnt approve of that.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
28 Jan 10
Your previous two responses have been removed. This one will be too. At the rate you are going, you wont last long on My Lot.
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
28 Jan 10
Actually, I'm not joking. I honestly don't care what you have to say. You have right to whatever you have to say, and I will leave it at that.
1 person likes this
@benny128 (3621)
24 Jan 10
well whether it is right or not that's the law am afraid, though I do have sympathy for you as I was in a similar position with my ex wife more mental abuse though than physical she then had numerous affairs etc etc cut a long story short even though she had nothing when we married she eventually walked away with 50% of all the assest's and my house that I made the mistake of adding her name on the deed poll so shes got a large amount of money and she got the house my lawyer had basically said the law is the law, and I could fight it but chances were minimal, and if I fought it the costs would sky rocket. The laws so unfair but the law is the law as I found out to my cost.
2 people like this
@benny128 (3621)
24 Jan 10
just on a seperate issue too, I have my kids full time but that's not guaranteed as at any time the ex wife could say I want custody and the courts according to my lawyer will 90% of the time give custody to the female. But the law is the law I guess
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
25 Jan 10
I appreciate your comments Benny. I see that you have been in a similar position as myself. Note that I make no reference in my discussion as to this particular problem being a male or female issue. It can go both ways. THe mental (emotional) abuse you suffered can be as bad as physical abuse, as anyone a victim of DV can tell you. I think adding your ex's name to the deed poll was the issue in her getting 50%. I had not done that, seing as I owned my house and all assetts at least 15 years before I met my ex. The Law seems to make a generalised rule, which doesnt apply to specific circumstances. Regarding the custody ytou have of your kids, as you live in England, I dont know your laws. In Australia, fathers & mothers can get 50% cuistody each, that is says the new laws began. It is not retrospective. As you have full custody of your kids, I dont see how the law will want to change this. It depends too on how old your kids are. Please ignore Diamond Dogs negative comments both in your response and others. He already has had some deleted, and these will be deleted to.
@Hatley (164357)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Jan 10
diamond dog the old boy hitley is a woman hatley and you are one unmitigated jerk. knock it off you are not funny, and you are stalking which is against mylot rules.
1 person likes this
@cerebellum (3870)
• United States
21 Jan 10
I agree that your ex doesn't deserve 10%. I guess that's why some people have pre-nuptual agreements. It sounds like if you do go to court it might be the best thing. Then you can explain your side and maybe the judge will sympathize with you. It really sounds like you shouldn't have to pay him anything. Good Luck!!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
You are so right about the Pre-nup. I definitely should have had one. If ever I marry or go defacto again, there will be a pre-nup. Not that I have much chance of meeting a good man at my age.
• United States
22 Jan 10
I think we are about the same age. You never know, they say your never to old. With my disability the last thing I am concerned about is meeting a man. If you do you would be smart to have a pre-nup. Some people don't want them because that's like saying you don't think it will last or you don't trust the person. It is just a way to protect you and your daughters future.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
I whole heartedly agree with the PreNup thing. Should have done it with this marriage.
@sid556 (31000)
• United States
21 Jan 10
Hi Jenny, I think that the laws regarding this sort of thing suck because they do not take into consideration the cause of the marriage ending. They were put in place years ago to protect women who might give up good careers and jobs when they married. Often when the marriage failed, the men had reached a decent financial status while the women had spent years caring for the kids, home etc. It was tough for them to get back in the workforce. In those cases it made perfect sense. In yours it makes no sense at all. In my opinion 3% is more than generous. Even if charges are not brought up on the domestic violence, I think you should make it clear in the court that that is why the marriage is ending and also that these are assets that you had long before the marriage. If your ex had an ounce of decency then he would know that none of your assets are really rightly his and he would not accept a thing. The laws suck. Good luck with this and let us know how it all turns out.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
You have made an excellent summary of the situation. I dont know how much decency my ex has now, as he is acting very irrationally.
@sid556 (31000)
• United States
22 Jan 10
Jenny,I almost think you'd be your own best lawyer in your situation. I was my own lawyer in my divorce. I was so so nervous but seriously could not afford a lawyer so I decided to wing it and just speak for myself. I won!! The judge told me afterwards that he listened to me as a human being and not as a judge. Even if you have a lawyer, I think you should get up there and speak for yourself. The lawyer will fight the legal aspect but only you can speak from your heart.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15639)
• Puerto Rico
21 Jan 10
OMG are you kidding me. This is horrible that he brought nothing to the marriage, you dealt with domestic violence and you will still have to give him money. That is so not right and I would be fighting this to the bitter end. What a disgrace that where you live you have to deal with such stupidity. This is an outrage. I would definitely be charging him with the assault. I'm in shock over this.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Well, this is Australias laws for you! When they came up with the property settlement law, it was decided that it would be "no fault". So it doesnt matter what one partner, may, or may not have done. Even if the violence wasnt involved, it still isnt right that he should get asetss of mine that I had many years before our marriage.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read Response 27!
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15639)
• Puerto Rico
22 Jan 10
Unbelievable what an idiot!
2 people like this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
21 Jan 10
This doesn't happen in our family law here. What ever properties acquired before marriage or inherited properties, the other party cannot lay a claim. Only properties gained during the marriage are to be divided on separation or divorce. I think your family law is not fair and should be contested to nullify any claims. It is not justifiable to give when it is not shared properties acquired during marriage.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
21 Jan 10
I agree completely. They were not his properties at any stage. Of course, his argument will be that he contributed to my assetts. This may be so, but I contributed to his lifestyle, which he didnt have before he married me.
2 people like this
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
21 Jan 10
It is a sticky argument here and it can be a very messy court trail for both parties to compromise and come to an amicable agreement. All you can do now is to find loopholes in his behavioral attitudes which might make the judge see that he doesn't deserve a bigger slice of the pie. . Anyway, laws are meant to be broken and it only takes a little brilliant mind and argument to make the lawmakers see the flaws in the man-made laws which might favor you in the end. Good luck.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
I seriously hope you are correct in this. Thank you very much for your responses.
1 person likes this
@ShepherdSpy (8562)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
22 Jan 10
It sounds as though when you didn't bring charges against him at the time of this domestic violence before,He still has a clean slate...and in that case,Your state's law seems to be on his side,for now,regarding his "entitlement" to your assets.Would putting anything in trust For Your Daughter avoid this? would that bring "Your" assets below this threshold that lets him continue a claim? Personally,I think You're right to contest this Asinine Law!
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
He doesn't quite have a cleam slate, as the Police did come when he assualted me and it is all recorded in their records. I didnt lay charges at the time as I wanted to save our marriage. I tried putting some assetts in my daughters name when she was very young, but traditional trusts for children arent allowed any more. However, in the records of one of my assetts, it clearly states that the assett is for her, so that helps.
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
22 Jan 10
Then I hope the record of the Assault (If not an arrest) is enough to overturn the case against You..
2 people like this
@jdyrj777 (6549)
• United States
22 Jan 10
Why wait? Go ahead and charge him with assult. Or it may appear to the courts that you are prssing assult charges because you were made to pay him. I dont think you should have to pay his. All these kinds of things just strenghtens me to remain single for ever.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
When I rang the Police a few weeks ago, they thought it better that I wait to lay charges. See how he reacts to my lawyers letter.
@jdyrj777 (6549)
• United States
24 Jan 10
Did you tell your lawyer you want to press charges for assult?
1 person likes this
@edigital (2710)
• United States
21 Jan 10
I think you neve pay anything to your ex. If the law say this then male people will marry the rich lady and will seek separation clue and will take assets like this.... This may not be a law that guy will take assets from his wife after separation due to bad nature of a guy Shameless guy can take assets of ex wife ......
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Yes, it is shameless. It would look like he married me to just get some opf my assetts, but this would be hard to prove Im afraid.
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
21 Jan 10
This is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard of. Is your ex disabled? Can he work or what is the problem. In my country, if you get divorced, for whatever reason, the men end up paying or in most cases, each go there seperate way and do not bother each other, accept if there are children involved, then there has to be an agreement on maintanance for the children. This is plain nonsense. I wish i could tell you to tell him to take a hike to the warm place. It is a very akward situation. Maye you should declare yourself bancrupt, then he will leave you alone. Good Luck.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
No, my ex isnt disabled. He works full time as a Police officer and earns at least $70,000 per year.
@saphrina (31739)
• South Africa
22 Jan 10
Well problem solved. He earns more than enough to support himself. I do not think there is any need for you to pay him, one dime. Good luck and do not take his nonsense.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (108986)
• United States
21 Jan 10
In this case I think you are being generous to offer him anything. Let us know how it goes.
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
You are not the only one to say that!
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
• United States
21 Jan 10
there is no way i'd pay alimony-especially if i have custody. that's just an additional slap in the face. i'd let it go to court myself.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
• United States
21 Jan 10
I think you are being generous even offering him 3% as you say he brought no assets to your union and especially considering the abuse. I am very stubborn when it comes to what I consider is my right so if I was in your shoes I would fight for my rights and most definitely charge him for the assault as long as the time limitations have not run out. GOOD LUCK!
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Well, Im stubborn like you. I would not be wanting to deny my ex his rights, but I don't see that he has any in this regard. The Law may say he is entitled to at least 10%, but that doesn't make it right. I may well have to press chasrges, and Im fairly sure there is no limitation on time delayed. My lawyer doesnt want me to go down this path, so I havent told her my latest plan. Fighting for my rights in court could cost me $20,000 or more, so Im going to have to use these underhand means. Im waiting for a response for my 3% offer before I go ahead with charges. And I have other plans too (none of which my lawyer would like).
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
@JenInTN (27549)
• United States
21 Jan 10
I can't believe you have to pay him no matter what. I hope he accepts your 3% offer. It might be worth that just to get rid of him. I don't know about the laws in your country but here we have a thing called a statue of limitations which means we can't file anything against anyone if it happened over a year ago. May be you could add your daughter's name to your assets and you be a like a benefic1ary. That way the things you meant for her are hers and maybe this will help them to be untouchedYou would still have control of it until she was 18. Good luck and keep us updated.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
I tried to get at least one of my assetts in my daughters name when she was 3 years old, but it wasn't allowed. One of my asseetts does clearly state that I intended the profits to be for my daughter and if necessary I will use that.
1 person likes this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Read response 27!
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
24 Jan 10
It seems absolutely assenine that you should be expected to give him anything is you were the one that brought everything into the marriage. But then, that is also why there are so many people in today's day and age that have prenuptial agreements. If the law states that you have to give him ten percent, I don't think you are going to be able to find any way around it. You should be very glad that you don't live here were everything coming out of a marriage is split straight down the middle.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
25 Jan 10
Yes, you are probably right. I should have had a pre-nup, but back then, I thought we would love each other forever. Foolish of me! The 50% split down the middle more often occurs in longer term marriages, where husband & wife have bought their assetts together; not always though.
• India
22 Jan 10
The law is an A*ss. Moreover, your ex is a police man, and the police guys usually stick with their own. Since the law is not on your side, go for a compromise, if he does not agree for 3% go for 5 to 7%.This will be better than going to the court. and end up paying a lot of legal costs.I really pity you, but what can we common people do, when the law is against us.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
Not all Police Officers stick together here. Police Officers have a higher rate of domestic violence that many other occupations, would you believe! But I agree that I may have to lift my offer to 5%, rather than going to Court.
@jilshi (271)
• Malaysia
22 Jan 10
i am sorry to hear about your situiation and do not have idea how to help. maybe you can consult other lawyer's opinion.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
My lawyer has written to his lawyer, but naturally, his lawywer will support him.
@fsll518 (304)
• China
22 Jan 10
Sorry to hear about your bad experience. Sometimes the matrimonial law is not so reasonable, and it just can't be 100% reasonable. They considered your ex is poorer than you, maybe that's the reason for you to give 10%. If he maltreated you, then you can bring him to court and let him compensate you. Does your lawyer not want to give you fair treatment? Nowadays, with the marriage system less and less reasonable, people figured out it is important to notarize their assets before marriage, so there won't be any argument when they divorce. You see, already think of divorce at beginning of marriage! It is really bad marriage experience to you, maybe just use your assets to buy some peaceful life. I also heard in some divorce cases in USA, if the man is richer, he has to give 50% of his assets to his ex wife... that's even more terrible. Anyway, good luck to you and take care.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
These are very good comments. I think you are right that if one ex-partner is poorer than the other, then the better off one has to pay the other. The only unreasonable issue with that, is in some ex-marriages, one partner brought a great deal to the marriage, a lot more than the other.
@grace118224 (1040)
• China
21 Jan 10
I don't quite understand your law . Well i do think if your ex is good enough he would respect all your decision because it's his fault to seperate this family. Now he seems no good therefore just let the court to decide who should have these assets. Just move on and hope that you will have a bright future.
2 people like this
@jennybianca (12913)
• Australia
22 Jan 10
I dont want to just the court decide, because without all the imformation, they would give him at least 10%. This would significantly affect my daughter, as to pay him 10% I would have to sell my second largest asset.