Right or wrong?
By MsTickle
@MsTickle (25180)
Australia
September 2, 2012 10:17pm CST
A man and his wife suffer hardship as children grow up in hard times, marry and work very hard to raise their family.
Their four children go to good schools and all have careers. They all marry and have families of their own.
Meanwhile, when they retire, the man and woman buy a little farm 4 hours away from where the family home was and they settle into their new community with gusto.
Some of the grandchildren come to visit and stay during the holidays and they have a wonderful time on the farm with their grandparents. They build many memories of happy special times. The other family's parents are too busy to get away and one of the daughters has fallen out with her Dad and there is little contact between them.
Many years later when the old man and woman have passed on, two of the grown up, middle aged daughters have an argument about their parents. One says that their parents should never have moved so far away from their children and their families. They should have stayed close by so it was easy for the whole family to visit.
The other daughter says but this was their dream. This is why they worked so hard. This has been a wonderful gift they gave their children and grandchildren. It was only a 4 hour drive.
There's no rule that says parents should stay put when the family grows up and what if the children's families move on and go far away?
Is there an argument here? Should people only have dreams that fit in with what their children want? Where do you stand my friends - I'm looking forward to your replies.
5 people like this
19 responses
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
3 Sep 12
I think that while their children are growing up, parents should devote themselves to the children and make decisions that benefit them. After the children move out and have lives of their own the parents should do anything they wish, even if it means moving to another part of the world. Their obligation to their children is to be emotionally available, not physically present. 20+ years of raising their children earns them independence!
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Sep 12
The parents did the best they could and they did have a business to run. The business took everything from the parents and they both worked really hard to make it pay - and it did. They weren't the best of parents but things could have been much worse.
When they retired, they created a wonderful place for the children and grandchildren to come visit and they were only a phone call away.
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
3 Sep 12
If the shoe was on the other foot, what if the daughter chose to move away from her parents? Is that right or wrong? It is down to the individual the couple have spent a whole chunk of their lives devoted to their children, surely they deserve to relax and choose a place to 'retire' a lot of couples retire to a hotter country and leave their family behind so it's fairly common for this to happen. I think selfishness comes into the equation here, what right has the daughter to expect her family to be around her all the time? is it because she wants them to run around after her? Well no, the couple deserve to relax, she shouldn't deny them that especially at their time of life. And besides 4 hours? it's not exactly the other side of the world is it? No mean hardship.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Sep 12
I really cannot understand why she feels that way. It isn't far at all and there are freeways to travel along. She would possibly drive further than that for an auction sale. I think she was just bad-mouthing our dad because he hurt her - according to her that is. Maybe she was feeling some guilt as well. 
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
3 Sep 12
They moved just four hours away and that is a probem? This is ridiculous and this daughter is trying to justify why she didn't viit her parents and also denying the parents from seeing perhaps the grandchildren. My boys were at Boarding School for six years and we drove the three hours into the hills to visit them every Sunday. Three hours there and three hours back and I also had a baby to take with me.
T me it is a non arguement. The parents fulfilled their dream and the daughter is just making excuses for being absent.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
Hi cynthiann, hope you are doing well these days.
It is a non argument from where I stand too. This is the daughter who was at loggerheads with her dad and would not back down. This is one of four children; she had a problem with the parents moving away yet none of her siblings was worried or resentful.
It is a non argument from where I stand too. This is the daughter who was at loggerheads with her dad and would not back down. This is one of four children; she had a problem with the parents moving away yet none of her siblings was worried or resentful.1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
3 Sep 12
Thank you I am recovrering very well from the complications of open heart surgery. I will be going home at the end of the month. Miss my family so much even thoguh I do have a son in London and it has been wonderful to see him so regularly
1 person likes this
@wonttakelong (3555)
• United States
3 Sep 12
There is nothing to argue here
those parents had a dream and they put their dream on hold for the sake of the children for many years
Once the children were grown and doing well with families of their own it was time for them to follow their dream
It wasnt that far away, those kids COULD have gone and visited like the others did
they (the non visiting children)were just being selfish and lazy
4 hours is NOT that far to travel to see their parents
my kids already know that my husband and I will not always be in this location
once they are all grown we plan to travel and possible move, we dont want to be here for the rest of our lives
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
Exactly! Where is the rule that says they should hang around in case their grown up kids need them?
I'm this woman's sister and I live even further away in a remote community and my kids and grandkids all live in the city...I'm wondering if she was also deliberately tarring me with the same brush??
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Sep 12
So true! They moved to just outside a country town that grew to a city, so they lacked for nothing . They had a beautiful place that was very peaceful.
It would have been no hardship financially or in time for my sister to visit our parents but she chose not to do so. My sister can be really difficult sometimes.
@vandana7 (98873)
• India
4 Sep 12
:) I can only state it from my perspective so the answer may differ from if circumstances were similar to yours.
Out here, transport system is not as efficient as in the Western nations and many other developed countries. So people tend to have homes closer to offices. Obviously they dont come cheap because of high demand. But people adjust because in the day time they are rarely at home. At times the adjustment is because of proximity to schools. Whatever be the reason, it is "adjustment", and not "desire".
We get to live just once. So if we can afford to fulfil our "desire" out of funds that we do not borrow from others and out of monies that do not create liabilities for our loved ones, I dont see why we should be denying ourselves a chance to live those desires. Especially if, the distance is merely a 4 hours drive. Cost of living in the outskirts is usually lower out here. So at retirement, this can be another factor that people might have taken into account. They get better view, less polluted air, and less visual impact of stressful life. That is a good decision! Eventually though they may have to return to the city for medication and other things that are not available elsewhere. But to die with all desires fulfilled is better than to pine for something that we want and can afford but are foregoing because of kids.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
3 Sep 12
I don not see anything wrong if the old couple chose to live on the farm after they have retired. Some folks want to be in a different environment especially when they are already old. They want a breathing space from all the noise that city life has brought them all these years. Why should the daughter question her parents' dream? If she doesn't want to go to that place, then she is not forced to go there, right?
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
I totally agree. This daughter feels it was wrong for her parents to move so far away. She felt they should have stayed closer to the family, that as parents, it was their duty.
This daughter is a psychologist by the way. I think that's quite weird thinking to be honest.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
3 Sep 12
as a family we moved alot and I do sometimes now miss it but we retired in Vegas have a son and daughter here and one in Tenn. we talk to him about moving out he wants to but says he hates to move lolllol
But no parents dont need to stay put iftheyhave a dream let them ilive it they desevre it
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
3 Sep 12
either move close to them if they can or enjoy each other like when they first got married and didnt have kids. Ya always know that they will grow up and get married and that thier jobs might take them other places. SO the parents live out thier lives together probably fall in love more deeply than when they started out.
@grandpa_lash (5225)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
Selfish is as selfish does. I'm as self-centred as a gyroscope sometimes, but even I never saw my parents as merely the humanoid robots who raised me, and who will be there forever more.
Lash
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
4 Sep 12
Hi MsTickle
I think that people should be able to do what they are happy doing. If they raised their children and wanted to fulfill a dream,, I think they should have been able to do that. If their dream is to stay close to their children, they can do that, but I think it's ok to pursue dreams on their own if they have them.
I think that people should be able to do what they are happy doing. If they raised their children and wanted to fulfill a dream,, I think they should have been able to do that. If their dream is to stay close to their children, they can do that, but I think it's ok to pursue dreams on their own if they have them.1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Sep 12
Hi Jen
I think what they did was wonderful. They created a peaceful haven and their kids were welcome to come and stay any time.
It was a fabulous getaway where you could relax or keep busy while on holiday. It wasn't just for the two of them, it was for the whole family. If needs be, they were only ever as far away as a phone call but the complaining daughter rarely even phoned them.
I think what they did was wonderful. They created a peaceful haven and their kids were welcome to come and stay any time.
It was a fabulous getaway where you could relax or keep busy while on holiday. It wasn't just for the two of them, it was for the whole family. If needs be, they were only ever as far away as a phone call but the complaining daughter rarely even phoned them.
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
4 Sep 12
Children should be able to respect the fact that the parents want to do their own thing whatever that may be once their responsibilities as a parent raising children has ended. Once the kids are out of the home and have settled down, then there is no real reason why they cannot live the life of their dreams. as a parent, you sacrifice a lot in order to raise your family. Once they are out the door, then it is time for life to begin again!
I am sure that there have been some things spoken about me behind my back by my family as I chose to move interstate and raise my family away from all my relatives. I was not trying to escape them or anything, just wanted a different lifestyle than the one I had. I know for a fact that my parents resent this a little as they have not felt as close to my kids as they do to my sisters children. But there is no way that I was going to live my life trying to keep someone else happy. And I would not expect my parents to do that either. 
I am sure that there have been some things spoken about me behind my back by my family as I chose to move interstate and raise my family away from all my relatives. I was not trying to escape them or anything, just wanted a different lifestyle than the one I had. I know for a fact that my parents resent this a little as they have not felt as close to my kids as they do to my sisters children. But there is no way that I was going to live my life trying to keep someone else happy. And I would not expect my parents to do that either. 1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Sep 12
In this case, I'm talking about my sister and I'm wondering if she also feels that I'm shirking my responsibilities to my girls by living here while they both live in Sydney.
I do feel a bit guilty because I barely know my grandchildren but the facts are, they have their own lives to live and I have truly never been happier than what I am now living here.
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
4 Sep 12
The one thing that we can control in life is our own happiness, so we need to take care of that and let others take care of theirs. There is no use in doing anything to try and make others happy as only they can control that themselves. It is great that you are living somewhere that makes you happy. No one should begrudge you that.
@mythociate (21437)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4 Sep 12
There are reasons the grandparents were right, and reasons they were wrong; so it depends.
The phrase "give a man a fish, & he eats for a day; TEACH a man to catch his own fish, and he eats for a lifetime" seems to ring true in such cases.
The grandparents--though they were hard workers and good parents--were human beings, not immortal machines. They were right in teaching their children well and then leave to let their children use the lessons they taught.
@mythociate (21437)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4 Sep 12
The parents or the grandparents?
The parents were wrong because the grandparents were right 
The grandparents were wrong (to the parents) because the parents were expecting them to be faithful work-horses that 'have to pull the pram a lot.'
The grandparents were wrong (to the parents) because the parents were expecting them to be faithful work-horses that 'have to pull the pram a lot.'
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
22 Sep 12
Dearest MsTickle sorry for the late answer but I wasnt online much the last two weekends and now I am trying my best to play catch up with all the interesting stuff here.
No people should not only have dreams that fit in what their children want. If it was the parents dream to get to this farm then they fulfilled their dream and it was good they did.
But its also true the other way round. Why should grown children give up their own hopes and dreams in order to still cling to their moms apron and dads leg..... I mean why not make your home in another city which is a three hour drive when thats what your heart tells you to do just because you put some distance between your parents and yourself?
See I am an only child and lived within reach of my mother till I was 43 years old. I got married then and re located and when my mother needed help I moved back there temporarily for three days a week and what happened to me? one of my aunts had the audacity to tell me I should never have moved away.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
23 Sep 12
Funnily enough, when the opportunity arose, I moved from the city and went to live in the town closest to my parents. The others could have done that as well but they all had other things going on in their lives that did not include Mum and Dad.
What's right for some will always be wrong for someone I guess.
I hope your break allowed you to regroup a bit.
@favouredmost (256)
• Kenya
3 Sep 12
I have now come to learn that in this life you live for you first and make the time for the other people later without compromising on what you want. The parents were good people who gave their kids the very best that they could and the kids are all grown and settled with families of their own. They had a right to live wherever they wanted, they had done their work well.
@byju_thoughts (12)
• India
4 Sep 12
In my view they have not done anything wrong,they completed their responsibilities and in their flag end of their life they need a peaceful life.There is no question of argument itself
1 person likes this
Welcome to myLot.
@ElicBxn (63235)
• United States
3 Sep 12
There isn't any right or wrong to this scenario. If the couple wanted the little farm and were happy there, that was their choice. I'm sure if one of the pair hadn't wanted it, it probably wouldn't have happened.
If the one daughter thought that they should've stayed closer, well, that's what she'll probably do, the other one will probably do something different.
Generally speaking its the children that move away, but that's not to say that the folks can't do so.
I wouldn't move away from my folks, but both my brother and sister did so. Now, my brother is back in town, but I know my sister won't move back.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
It was the man's dream actually. He grew up on the land and always wanted to go back, to have his own little place where he could be self sufficient. The woman didn't want to go and leave her own siblings and her children and their families. However, she grew to love it very quickly and was happy when the grandkids came to visit.
The thing is, the man took his role as head of the family very seriously and always made decisions for the benefit of his family. This may have been his dream but he knew it would be wonderful for everyone.
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
3 Sep 12
This sounds like my family right now! We are scattered all over the state and one nephew is in the Navy and stationed in Japan! My sister is where she is because of her husband. My older brother and the two oldest nephews are where they are because of the jobs. I ended up where I live because of love that went wrong! The younger brother didn't move far! He lives only 4 miles where we grew up! None of us are living our dreams! My parents never had dreams like the people in your discussion either! If a person or couple have a dream and they live it,so be it! It is not being selfish! It is not like these parents moved to another country or across the country! All people have dreams and if you can live them,go for it! That is what i think about this!
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
3 Sep 12
I don't think it's a question of right or wrong. Yes, it might have been great if their grandparents were closer, but they can be fault for chasing their dreams. Specially if they've already fulfilled their obligations as far as their children is concerned.
I think the argument between the daughters stem from not-being-right-or-wrong, but more of their perceptions as it relates to their own personal lives. Or maybe they just miss them.
@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 Sep 12
Dear MsTickle
I always believe there is nothing wrong or right. It is all at how you look at things. Same here. It is the choice of the parents just as it is the choice of the children to go away from them.
I would blame the escalating prices, the competetion and the difficulty or earning a decent livelihood for this separation and distance but then nothing much can be done. We are not simplistic anymore but we are mostly materialistic - we go after money.
I always believe there is nothing wrong or right. It is all at how you look at things. Same here. It is the choice of the parents just as it is the choice of the children to go away from them.
I would blame the escalating prices, the competetion and the difficulty or earning a decent livelihood for this separation and distance but then nothing much can be done. We are not simplistic anymore but we are mostly materialistic - we go after money.@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
Oh yes, my friend. I could understand where you were coming from in a general sense but in this case the generalities do not apply.
In that instance, I agree with you; most people move because of circumstances in their lives be it financial, employment or even health.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
Hi thesids
"escalating prices, the competetion and the difficulty or earning a decent livelihood" had nothing to do with the man's decision to move away. He was retired and had saved for this time of his life. It had all been planned long ago.
In fact dear friend, none of this discussion is about money.
"escalating prices, the competetion and the difficulty or earning a decent livelihood" had nothing to do with the man's decision to move away. He was retired and had saved for this time of his life. It had all been planned long ago.
In fact dear friend, none of this discussion is about money.@thesids (22180)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 Sep 12
I re-read the above response of mine and dear, I stand corrected. I agree the discussion is not about Money anywhere. What I missed out keying in was - that this is more happening and relevant with people of today's societies where children normally prefer to move away for better livelihood and other facilities. Some years back, it wasnt happening as frequently as it is happening today. My response was for a more general situation and not for the person in discussion.
hope I make some sense now
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
3 Sep 12
I think they've been such good parents. And whatever they do in their retirement is up to them; they own no one nothing as to how and where they should build their dreams on. It's so selfish of that daughter; until now she thinks of herself. Yes, herself. When she said that it's too much of a hassle to visit, I'm sure she's referring to her own travel irks. Come on, what's a few hours of discomfort when their parents practically gave their whole lves for them. I hope she doesn't get the same words coming out of her own daughter when it's her time.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Sep 12
A lot of retired folk in this country spend a lot of their time in a motor home travelling about the countryside.
A lot of retired folk go travelling around the world.
I think people anywhere at any age can choose where they want to live and forget whether or not it's convenient to the rest of the family.
