How can I forgive & forget?

Yeah, thats a good suggestion and a very good answer.

Nykkee thats a lovely idea and the best answer anyone could give. I think I can understand your anger and frustration that comes up all the time as this was such a hurt and rejection.
I am married as well and as angry as we may get but throwing away the ring is out of the question.

By the way I had a similar experience. As we had met online and later in person we wrote tons of e mails. One day when my then fiance was mad ad me he cleared his computer and threw out all his and mine e mails. I have to add that in the first year of our relationship I didnt have a computer of my own and only went to internet cafes to write to him. And when I had a laptop I had asked him to save both our mails further on what he had done from the beginning, so later I could print them, put them into the right order and have them bound as a book just for us to have.
And he threw out the mails although the relationship was still existing and we only had had a quarrel........

When I learned what he had done it also was a big crack in our relationship like a crack in a mug which is not broken completely but damaged. So I think I can relate to you quite well.

oops...i responded before reading the responses....gave somewhat the same advice. Sorry I wasn't trying to copy.

I too thought of the same response that NYKEE had written. The moral of the story is that as long as you are happy but still have this hurt betrayal lurking somewhere within and are sentimental about the vows in church, it isbetter to get the ceremony done again. You can vow to each other that such a thing would never happen again.

It it indeed a good response, I think Nykkee might be getting the best response award - I dont fully understand that bit of mylot yet though, I'm not sure how long the originalm poster should wait before selecting a best response?

Yes, it did hurt, and as someone who did find Jesus, or rather was found by Jesus, forgiveness is important to me and it troubles me that even after a fair few years now this is still a painful memory for me and comes into my thoughts more than I would like it to. Sometimes I wish I could just laugh at it, it would be almost funny if it was in a TV comedy, but instead it hurts. Its an interesting point you make about opening up a past would. Really there are only two memories like this one that still trouble me. The other was when my mother beat me with a stick. She only beat me once ever but I just came home and she started asking me all sorts of strange questions I couln't answer. When I didn't give her the answers she wanted she beat me and beat me. I've never forgotten that and although I forgave her and forgive her the memory still haunts me. In the same way the memory of that night still haunts me. I think because it was a tough time in general, my emotions were already high, but then the symbolism of the act, I'd have thought I could let it go by now. I want to, because we still love each other. I dont throw it back at her. I guess we can forgive but not necesssarily forget.

I know its a little off topic but thats a good story. Have you ever thought of submitting it to someone like Readers Digest? I think its the kind of story that would catch peoples attention and make them think. Thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it.

Maybe, the wedding ring has always been an important symbol to me, a reminder of my vow and also of some religious significance to me. We do indeed have many blessings and I think it would be way better if I was able to let this go, even laugh at it. Theres sure are a lot of good suggestions on here, plenty of wise experienced folk here at mylot. I think that following some of this advice here is going to help.

No, Lovespecialangel, this isnt going to ruin our marriage, no worries there, I just think that I should be able to let this go by now. Have you ever had something come back to trouble you, some memory, that you just cant seem to get rid of though you want it to go away. I think my wife got over this time but it still troubles me, and I think it shouldn't any more. If I forgive, I tend to think the memory will dull and not hurt so much, that it still does hurt makes me think that maybe I've not managed to forgive still - hence the title of my discussion. Theres some great advice being put forward here. I'm glad I posted this because I think it will help and some of the stories are really insiteful. I dont think its so much the material nature of the ring as the symbolism of it and its demise that hurts. If it had just been thrown away in the heat of the moment, then we couldnt find it, that perhaps would not be such a pain. Putting it down the pan was maybe symbolic of how she felt about me at that time. Yet, while I'm a long way from being perfect, a long, long way, I didn't think I'd been such a bad husband. I've been faithful to my wife all our lives and cared for her through years of illness. but I digress...thanks for taking the time to respond.

I'm glad to hear that this isn't going to be something that ruins your marriage! I understand more where you are coming from now. Before my husband and I were married (we were engaged), he almost cheated on me with one of my friends. It took me a while to forgive him for what he had done, but I have. The memory is still there and will always be there, and it's still painful. Unfortunately those memories don't go away. I think what your wife did was a heat of the moment thing. Unfortunately when us women get mad like that we don't think about what we say or do until it's too late. I'm sure your wife hasn't forgotten about that moment and it's probably still painful to her as well. I wish I could tell you something that will help make the memory go away, but I haven't mastered that yet. All I can say is to try to focus more on the good that is between you two. Best wishes to you both!

Thanks for that compassionate response. Its always been my aim that my marriage should last. My folks split up in my early teens and it was a traumatic time for me. I determined then that I'd do my very best to be a good husband and have a lifelong marriage (I know its not always possible, please dont anyone take offence)with its ups and downs. We've had a number of very traumatic experiences in our marriage and I've managed to come through those and not be revisited by them. This one still haunts me and as I've said elsewhere makes me question if I have indeed forgiven and ask why its hard, not perhaps to utterly forget, I doubt that happens, but at least for the memory to fade a little or to lose its sting. But I've got some good ideas from the replies. We still have a strong marriage and my wife is one of my greatest joys in life. I dont want that to be spoiled by unforgiveness and it maybe spilling out in an argument. This idea about words never hurting you is so wrong, words can burn you forever and guarding my mouth isnt my greatest ability. Hence the desire to not harbour such things.

Do you still have the originals? Yes, we too have gained a little around our fingers. My ring sits in a cupboard. Someday I mean to put it back on, but I never do. Maybe I should buy a new one and take up some of that earlier advice given here, we could both have new rings.

I saw your response further up the board - they say great minds think alike! This advice seems good to me, I think it could be the way to go. Maybe even a second honeymoon, I've heard people say that gave their marriage a new lease of life.

ah, I see we are both reading from the same page. My wedding day was one of, if not the most significant days of my life. I remember it so well even 18 years on, including all that the priest said. The symbolism within the ceremony is important to me so perhaps the signifcance of the ring is greater for me than it might be for others. I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps putting mine back on would be the start. No one has suggested that yet but as I read through all these responses its a thought that comes to me again and again. Reading your response I can see that you know how I feel, and in a strange way, what you have written draws my attention back to my own discarding of my ring albeit in not such a dramatic fashion.

Putting your own ring on could be a start, but its still not the same is it? For me the only thing that I would feel at peace with is having the new rings we have blessed, I would say renew the vows, but I think they would have to be a different set of vows that are renewed, things have changed and so that has to change, its funny how such a small thing to one is a totally huge thing to others. I hope that you can find a solution and a way to put things right, as I am sure I will with time.