Ideal Age gap between couples-opinions please!

@kalav56 (11505)
India
April 15, 2009 2:16am CST
I had been invited to my son's friend's house .Actually they are newly wed youngsters and I came to know that the lad is just 20 days older than the girl.I immediately said that 'Ah!can keep fighting [like classmates after all]'.My husband immediately came out with the undeniable fact that we have an age gap of 3.75 and we fight/diasgree/argue none the less;I also said but we get along very well too.In all we entertained the youngsters , but I just thought of getting varied opinions here.What do you think would be the ideal gap?Men , women, young girls , boys , please do share your thoughts /experiences.I have not arrived at any conclusion and I think that there can be different cases .That is why I have put this topic up this for discussion.
17 people like this
55 responses
@SViswan (12096)
• India
15 Apr 09
Whatever the age gap, arguments are inevitable....and getting along is also part of it. It just differs in the areas in which you agree and disagree. I've seen couples with a wide age gap and couples with very less.....and there is no hard and fast rule about which relationship works and which doesn't. It all depends on so many other things in the couple's personalities. My husband and I are 7 years apart and we are very similar to each other. Anyone would think we are the perfect couple...but we aren't....especially since we are both elder kids in the family and are used to being the advisor...lol My neighbours were classmates in college and they married. They don't fight like school kids (which I sometimes tend to do)...of course, they have their share of arguments...but they fight over it like adults....and come to a conclusion. Another couple I know who are the same age....fight like cats and dogs and are on the verge of divorce. I feel it is more about the temprement of the people in a relationship and if their personalities complement each other that is important. Another very important thing in a relationship is the open heartedness to understand that everyone is different and how to find a common ground.
4 people like this
@dpk262006 (42396)
• Delhi, India
15 Apr 09
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
Thank you for the detailed response Vishwan and I agree with what you have written.In fact, what you have written in the last sentence has been echoed in my article in AC http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1560739/how_diametrically_opposite_partners.html?cat=41 -if you ar einclined and have the time, please do read it.[I am sure we would find similarities] Actually, the age gap is not too high between my husband and me [especially considering the time when we were married] and like what you said there would eb all kinds of cases.THis is why we have arrived at the final conclusion [in our home context I mean]that it is all willed by God to a large extent. THe story these days is different becasue tolerance is on the wane in the current scenario.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12096)
• India
15 Apr 09
lol..I SHOULD get down to writing....Deepak has been prodding me for a year now...but I just don't have the time. Even when new psychologists come up with new findings, my first thought is...'I've been thinking that for years! Oh, why don't I get down to writing my own book'. Then people will pay more attention to what I have to say...lol
3 people like this
• United States
15 Apr 09
it depends entirely on the couple and their maturity levels. A 14 year old girl and a 20 year old guy are not exactly the ideal couple, not just for the age difference, but because the maturity levels are almost identical. :P At 14, there's no possible way to be ready for a relationship, I'm sorry. It's just not ment to be. You aren't mentally prepared for the responsibility. Now, a 23 year old girl and a 27 year old guy..same age difference, higher maturity level.I think after someone reaches adult hood, age isnt really a limitation anymore. It's only really a concern when one or both of the individuals are young with a vast age difference in between.
4 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
True.I agree with what you have said.
1 person likes this
@Galena (9124)
15 Apr 09
I don't think there is an ideal age gap, and I don't think it matters which of the couple is older. what matters is compatibility on a day to day basis. it doesn't have a formula. we are not machines with easily calculatable behaviour. we are people, with different characters, and things like age and who is older and by how much are pretty insignificant when it comes to working out if you will get on or not
4 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
In our country where the system of arranged marriages are still prevalent, it is normally the done thing to opt for a girl younger than a man in marriage.Now, how big this gap is , or should be is the question.However, age becomes irrelevant in the face of adjustment/maladjustment.So, we just place faith in God and marriages are fixed.
3 people like this
@gracie04 (4556)
• Philippines
15 Apr 09
I see nothing wrong with couples that have big age gaps.. i mean it's really up to them whether they are going to make their relationship work or not.. i've been seeing may-december affairs but they seem happy with their own lives.. you know, we don't have the right to judge other people.. if your case is kind of complicated then it doesn't mean that other couples out there would be same as yours.. our age gap is 3 years.. my hubby's older than me but we have very good relationship.. we have the same taste when it comes to a lot of things, we think almost the same, etc..
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
True it is absolutely up to them whether they are going to make it work or not.Ours is a traditional happy arranged marriage and whatever arguments we may have we respect each other a lot and that is why we have been getting along very well for the past 30 years+. We have totally different temperaments and tastes [in fact I have written an article about this in AC http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1560739/how_diametrically_opposite_partners.html?cat=41 but now, after so many years and because I too have cultivated an interest in my husband's field of finance we have common ground to discuss.He listens to my area of study and interest and shares his opinions.But still we do haev fundamentaly different temperaments and this would have been there irrespective of age. Thanks for the response.
4 people like this
@dpk262006 (42396)
• Delhi, India
15 Apr 09
Hi! Kala! I think a gap of two-three years between a couple should be an idle one. It is assumed that boy should be elder to the girl and it has been a traditions followed for many ages in marriages, which take place here. Now a days I find that age difference between girls and boys is getting closer. Boys are preapred to marry to a girl similar to their age. I have some doubt if age difference could be a factor or should not be a prime factor for a successful married life. It depends upon both the partners how they 'adjust' with each other and how much 'ego' they both have. Perhaphs, a girl younger than her partner may be able to adjust more rather than if her partner is equal to her in age. Successful marriage depends upon many other factors such as family background, brining up of a person, religious beliefs, nature, educational qualification and financial status etc. As long as partners are willing to 'accept' each other with their positive and negative traits, a marriage will go a long way in my opinion. However, what surprises me sometimes a girl is elder to the boy and they enter into wedlock (may be due to past love affair), I wonder if they make a successful couple?
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
I agree Deepak that there are many other factors that come into play .We who belong to a tradition of arranged marriages ---[is in't it so DEEPAK--I presume yours is also an arranged one or do you have some positive, happy Bollywood love story to tell me[I have not asked this valid question to you so far}[what is the use of exchanging chats and mails without this important question?] so where was I ?--- we know that the girl is younger in ninety nine percent of cases.And I aLSo see that many of the girls and boys want a smaller age gap.. And to your last question, it need not be necessarily a past love affair ;it can also happen between colleagues etc.., One of my cousins who is abroad got married to a Grecian girl who was fourteen years older and has an adult child of her own.My aunt [you know how conservative they would normally be ]said that she is an ideal girl, a gem etc etc ..,they seem to be happily married so far.[for the past 5 years or so]
3 people like this
@dpk262006 (42396)
• Delhi, India
15 Apr 09
Kala!Hi! Thanks for agreeing with me and my points. Let it be a secret for the time being whether mine is an arranged marriage or my marriage has a bollywood story in it........LOL! (This way at least you will keep guessing till I disclose you the actual position.....LOL) I agree with you that colleagues can also get married, irrespective of their age difference, specially when the woman is older to the man. The case is which you have mentioned happened in a foreign country and the woman was a foreigner. However, here I see less cases of this kind. Exceptions are always there, however, my mind always wonders, how a couple make adjustments when the woman/girl is elder to the boy/man. May be she gives her 'motherly' treatment and they both remain happy...........LOL!
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
What is this Deepak!You have whetted my curiosity and now I have to keep guessing.What you have written is absolutely true Deepak!In foreign countries ,they have a different pattern and all these age differences do not really matter.In our country this is a different thing. But, I feel girls, would, irrespective of their ages show a tendency of that motherly protective instinct [in fact they have it in them --something that starts off as a security measure develops and flowers and becomes a second nature ]. But I also feel that if girls are older than their husbands this has a bit of risk in it --research has proved that they have been wired in a way that makes them superior in the coordination of both the left and right parts of the brain[there was an article recently in Economic Times] and then girls , given their nature may tend to be not only protective in a 'motherly' way but also 'powerful' and tend to give instructions [like what they do with their little kids] in a motherly way which a man may find to be on the higher side.I doubt whether this would work in our Indian context.
3 people like this
@emilie2300 (1892)
• United States
15 Apr 09
I think age should not matter if you happily love each other and want to be with each other. I am 32 and my husband is 47 that is a 15 year difference. We are happliy married and love each other with all our heart. It's not about age it is what each other have to offer in your heart your personality your love for each other.
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
Great reponse and I wish you all the best!
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Apr 09
Thank you I wish you the best also.
1 person likes this
• Iran
4 Jul 09
I hope i will work for me and my boyfriend! thanx
@ShepherdSpy (8565)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
15 Apr 09
I don't know if there can be such a thing as an ideal age gap between a couple in a relationship,unless you're choosing them with a calendar and a calculator! I read somewhere,I think it was a Victorian Idea,the Ideal age for the Wife in a relationship was calculated at "Half the Husband's age plus 10"...Couples meet in school,bond and stay together..Others travel the world to meet their Partner..I'm just glad the Chemistry thing works,I'm not bothered about the Math!
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
When you a re not worried about the Math, why did you have to write that complicated thing about Victorian formula now?My mind immediately wen t to calculate diligently what the age gap should be and I realise now that if the boy is 20 then the girl's ideal age is 10+10 =20 THen if the boy is 18 what happens?It becomes 19. So, the moral is that boys better get married after 20 if they don't want their wives to be older. Very nice response though it made me do some fruitful calculations You have included two categories.Let me add mine to BE the third--there are others who meet their respective spouses through arranged marriages.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
Shepherdspy, your Victorian age gap found great favour with my husband and he said that it is a very valuable input.He also came out with his deduction that the formula of of Victorian times suggests that men and women have a somewhat similar maturity of mind till the age of 20;as years progress theron, it slowly increases and the woman gets sharper and more mature than the man .Thanks for the response.
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• Omagh, Northern Ireland
15 Apr 09
Sounds good,that it appears to have some Value :)
3 people like this
• United States
15 Apr 09
as for adult couples... I don't think there is a perfect age gap.. I think that if you love someone, age doesn't matter at all.. I've seen couples many years apart and some only days apart that got along great.. and my mother in law and father in law are one day apart (she is one day older than him) and they get along fantastically.. I also know a woman who married a man 15 years older than her that have a wonderful relationship... the only thing that matters is what's in the heart :)
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
gREAT AND i am very happy that I was able to mark many responses positive here, yours being one of them.
1 person likes this
@rizzu87 (860)
• Malaysia
15 Apr 09
Well in my opinion, the ideal age gap between couples should be around 5-7 years. I have poeple where the wife is elder then the husband. For what you mentioned that you argue/fight with your husband, for that age gap does not matter. It happens in all cases. But to understand each other well there should be that age gap of 5-7 years.
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
I totally agree that there canbe no couples without disagreements .However, I do feel that age gap does not give better understanding.My mentioning fights was on a light vein [I had also pointed out that we entertained the youngsters is in't it] and with this age gap we have perfect understanding .Otherwise we cannot have stayed together for 30 years isn't it?I have seen older couples with greater age gaps and less understanding [they may still be together out of habit and compulsion]
2 people like this
@twinklee (895)
• India
15 Apr 09
if your fiancee or hopefully spouse in future can understand you so much that even if the age diff is as meagre as few days doesnt......transparency between the two eats up all the problems.........so why bother about counting days of diff....instead show him/her the true love you posess......
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
Transparency is the key- Spot on.
1 person likes this
• India
15 Apr 09
i my opinion,ideal age gap between couples is two or three year.today couples are more then friends.they talk each and everything day to day life.they solve their prolems they share their feeling freely.
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
That is definitely the ideal situation when they are like friends.Thank you.
2 people like this
@Rainegurl (2158)
• Philippines
15 Apr 09
I do not think there is an ideal age gap either. But I also think that a lot of patience and a lot of understanding is a must between a couple. My husband and I have an age gap of a little more than a year and sometimes, a lot of patience is really required. We bicker every now and then and I have to take deep breaths so that the bickering will not turn into a big quarrel LOL! Have a nice day!
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
How right you a re ! When you a re conscious that mild arguments should not turn out into big quarrels it would not happen Rainegurl! Awareness always brings with it preventive measures.
3 people like this
@Sreekala (12574)
• India
15 Apr 09
Hi Kalav, According to Indian culture there is a belief/custom that girl should be younger to the boy. I think the belief/custom is based on the maturity as girls getting matured early than boys may be that is why the marriageable age is fixed by 18 for girls and 21 for boys. But presently people are not bothered much about the age gap between couples especially if they are in love. [We have examples like famous person in cricket and famous celebrities (I don’t want to mention their names here, I think you know it), for those couples the girls are elder.] I don’t think the age gap of the couples can do something to make the marriage a successful. It depends on the persons, those who can keep their patience (either partner) will be able to lead a peaceful life because we need our both hands for a clap, and then only it can make voice. I would like to add one of my observations here, I don’t know whether it is true or false, I think man is getting cool by getting older and woman is just opposite. (I observed the same in old couples).
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
Sree I have plenty to write to your post now;ill finish Deepak's and then come back here.
3 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
15 Apr 09
Apart from the maturity point of view I thought of another aspect too Sree.We generally do find the girls younger than the boys in arranged marriages--this arranged marriage practice has been here for ages.In those days when people had large families[my gmothers were all married at the age of 11 and in fact some of my aunts got married at the age of 13 and these were the eldest children of large families.THe father would have other daughters lined up for marriage and unless he starts it young , imagine the difficulties he is going to have.For example my maternal gf had nine children [six daughters]and I was eleven years old when his last daughter got married and he himself was 69. THe maturity point is definitely there and as one of the respponses pointed out that Victorian formula was a great one. But about the patience part of it, I think this is something developed in tune with the temperamnet of either partner.When it is called for , we automatically get it.[when we believe in the sanctity of togetherness].I knew which celebrities you were referring to. Coming to your last observation SREE, I think that the fact that there is no real retirement for a woman has something to do with her losing her cool[whether it is her own choice or enforced] Secondly, soemtimes , men who have been pushed a lot in their youth get very adamant[they would look absolutely cool thus frustrating their wives, who on inspection would be found to have been some henpecked husbands in their young age and are now grabbing their so called 'lost 'opportunity]--I have seen cases like this--And agegap really does not have anything to do with this. Thirdly, these poor women in their fifties have a problem with their hormones and this apparently adds to their irritability.
3 people like this
@Sreekala (12574)
• India
16 Apr 09
Hi dear, Thank you very much for your detailed reply. I agree earlier girls got married in an early stage. My grandmothers (both) got married at the age of 13 and my mother got married at the age of 18. But that time joint families were there and I think it helps them much because grown ups are available for giving advises. You have much experience and vast knowledge on the above subject and my knowledge and experience is very little. I should learn more from you.
2 people like this
@carpenter5 (6786)
• United States
17 Apr 09
there are just over 14 months between my husband and I. I am the older one. People jokingly told me when we were dating that I was robbing the cradle. But, that's ok. We've been married 22 years and it doesn't matter that he's younger than me!
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
17 Apr 09
Don't I know that ?How can I forget that romantic sms from the verandah?It delighted me no end Carpenter.I do gather that the concept of couples with great age gap,older women and younger men really does not matter so much in the western countries , but in our country , the mindset is slightly different. Here they go in for same age girls or slightly younger ones.Thanks for the response.I have yet to reply to your tornado comment.Have a nice day!
@zandi458 (27951)
• Malaysia
16 Apr 09
I think age doesn't matter anymore in a relationship. What matters most is the right chemistry without which I think most marriages doesn't work at all. It will be a living hell. If you have the real feelings of love, the distance in ages doesn't matter. As long as there is love and compassion in the relationship, it conquers all other differences.
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
Very well said Zandi!True love and compassion betwen couples makes us understand another person's fair point of view and disagreements come to an end .That is the key to success.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31030)
• United States
15 Apr 09
i think it depends on the couple. In my experience, I dated a much younger man and while there were some things in common...there were not enough to hold us together. Nice kid but I grew to look at him for just what he was...a kid to me. He was 32 and I was 50. I would tell you that is too huge a gap based on my experience but then I have seen other couple with huge gaps that truly do deeply love each other. I have seen such relationships work and so that is why I say that it all depends on the people involved.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
True we can always get cases to prove either point about huge or little gaps and man being older and woman being older etc.., In our Indian context it is normally the practice of younger girls getting married to slightly older boys.THere are of course exceptions and nowadays with love marriages on the increase this is changing.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (24925)
• United States
15 Apr 09
I'm a little old fashioned, and in my opinion I think the guy should ideally be older by a year or two. But in all actuality, it doesn't matter. All that matters is how much the 2 love each other and how dedicated they are to making thier marriage work. My husband and I are almost 6 years apart, he's older. Our marriage is wonderful and we have a very strong relationship but still have problems like anyone else.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
We all seem to be the same-little squabbles and disgreements do not really matter in the whole wonderful picture of marriage.Thanks for the response.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Apr 09
Would you like to know about my big dating age gaps? Here we go... At 16 years old, I was with a 19 year old. That lasted 3 years. At 19 years old, I was with a 24 year old. That lasted a few months. Sometime later that year, I ended up with a 23 year old whom was an evil controlling witch that I was married to for about 2 years. At 21 years old, I had a one night stand with a 39 year old hottie. Not a relationship just a one nightie. I lied to her and told her I was 25 which helped. At 22 years old, I met a 29 year old. I'm 24 right now, that woman and I are still together and have a healthy relationship, the best one out of all of them. That's a 7 year age gap right there.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
17 Apr 09
So the moral of your story also says thta there can be no hard and fast rule.THanks, friend for the response.
1 person likes this
@jellymonty (2358)
15 Apr 09
I personally think age gap does matter as I believe the wider the gap the longer the relationship will last. Usually when the guy is older than the girl by at least 10 years, the relationship is strong as there is mutual respect between the two. But when the age gap is only a couple of days or months there is no standing authority and so each party in the relationship is defiant towards each other. So for me I think when the guy is older by 10 years then thats good.
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
17 Apr 09
That is another point of view and i thank you for your participation.
1 person likes this
@ronnyb (6125)
• Jamaica
15 Apr 09
Wow dont know if there is an idela age per say but I think that a good age difference would be ten years either way .Anything beyond that may result in a gap that is too wide to cross.
2 people like this
@kalav56 (11505)
• India
16 Apr 09
I too feel that too wide a gap may not work out though the varied responses to this discussion have shown that there are still exceptions , who are very happy but with a huge difference in their ages.
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