I am a little irked at my oldest sister!

Wow, that's pretty bold don't you think? Um, yes, I'd be a bit upset too. Is it possible to have two showers? Let someone else give the first one and then you can give the second one so you can see the baby? I don't really know what to suggest as this has never happened to me. I think the decision should have been left the way it use to be, and not change traditions. And my kids, like yours, wouldn't have ever done that either.

i don't think it is wrong to be upset, ever. It sounds like your niece is like me, She likes to plan her parties , even when they are for her. Try not to be too upset.But you do have a right to be upset. Youi have a tradition and she is bypassing it. Anyone would be uopset about that. I gues the best thing to do is to bypass your sister and talk to the gues of honor andmaybe you can add some of the traditions together.Good Luck.

Nope, I don't believe they should be telling you when to have the shower. It would be fun to have the shower after the birth of the baby so you could meet him. I don't think you are wrong to be upset. However I do have to mention that I've never been to a baby shower after the birth of the baby. Always has been prior to the birth. I think the time and place should be decided upon by the person or persons giving the shower. Then double check with the new mom to be if that date is agreeable. I don't think you are wrong.

Well it is a day for the mama and her baby, and traditionally it's usually for the baby. I see your sister and niece's point with wanting to know what to buy, but I don't see why a tradition in your family should be broken. I am sure there are plenty of hand me downs that could be borrowed if the soon to be mother is concerned about that. I can understand diapers and stuff like that her wanting to know whether she should buy or not, but well truthfully it wouldn't hurt if she bought something like that and then others did as well. I'd maybe say tell everyone to call the niece if they are going to get her something big like a crib or stroller, or changing table... But if it's smaller then not to worry about telling her. You know what I mean? I'm sure there's a way for you all to work it out.

In a big family,such confusions arise and we can't regret it.Some people wants to be in a commanding position always and they always take the charge despite thinking of what others will think about.I think,here your older sister is wealthier than you and so you only have formal meetings.And you can't impose any traditions with rights.What you can do now is,just accept their plan or ignore the event at all.the ball is in your court.

Hiya jill, It does sound a bit sad to me that this kind of thing happens. With my Family the other in England I mean I can easily and unfortunately predict what their reaction to anything is except for one incident that floored me well just a little bit. With you being the way you are so creative I would have thought they could wait just that bit longer. If I were the Niece and someone was doing that for me I would certainly wait anyway. Maybe they are just a bit overexcited and have´nt thought things out yet?

If they want to decided when and where the baby shower is then it sounds to me like they should be planning the baby shower and not you. It is rude of her to tell you when to have the shower. I understand wanting to know what things you need to buy for the baby, but with the family being far apart your way makes more sense.

I can see why this would upset you and not only for the reason of having to wait to see the baby, but, the way they are going about it. Things have changed a lot over the years and one thing I just cannot understand is how "gifts" or "parties" are now being planned and demanded to be a certain way . Remember when Baby Showers and Birthday parties were actually a surprise? I find it rude sometimes when the person that the party/shower is for is making demands. My teens sometimes, well, every year actually, at Christmas and at their birthdays try to tell me exactly what they want to a T. Okay, making requests is one thing, but demanding is another. People should be more GRATEFUL. They should be happy that others go out of their way to do these kind gestures for them. It is no ones obligation to throw a party or buy a gift and people should be happy for whatever they receive! I know in my case, my kids try that with me because their grandmother has spoiled them and lets them do whatever they want when they are over at her house. But, that isn't working with me,they should know this by now but, they try every year still! Did you express the way that you feel? You should. Let her know that it offends you. If we hold in the things that bothers us about others, they can turn into resentments, so, I would let her know how you feel.

presumptuous.... (not you)

I can see both points. When I was expecting, I enjoyed knowing what I had before the baby was born so I knew what I still needed to get. But I also understand the family wanting to meet the baby. I don't suppose you can compromise and throw 2 parties, a baby shower then a "meet the baby" party? Or have someone else throw the "meet the baby" party... All in all, I'd have to say that this is HER baby shower and while I understand your points and views, it's supposed to be her day. When I was expecting my twins, my MIL decided to throw my shower, and I did not like what she was doing at all. She wanted to send a gift list to all the guests so they'd know what I wanted... but I didn't like that. I like to be surprised and I like recieving things that I may not have thought of... KWIM? There were other things she was doing that I didn't agree with either, so in the end I took it over from her, because I wanted my day to go my way, not hers. She was very upset about it, and sat in a corner pouting through out the entire baby shower... but I had a great day and got lots of great gifts!

Personally i think it's tacky for them to do that. Of course y'all want to see that new baby. New babies don't need that much to start with right off the bat. She could include a list of what she needs to be invluded in the invitations. The way my dil did it before the baby was born she went to wal-mart & chose a bunch of things she needed to & then people could pick out what they wanted to buy which i thought was a good way to do it & had things in all price ranges also which was good i thought. They sure do it alot different nowadays than they did when my kids came along. Time does change everything.

Hey jill~ I really don't know what to say about this. It is done differently in different families and in different cultures! I was born into a Jewish Family and in my family they didn't believe in having a baby shower or buying things for the baby until it was born because of "bad luck/karma". They wouldn't accept gifts or parties for the baby until after it was born! Beats me, that was the way they did things way back then! I have no children, nor am I a practicing Jew so I have nothing to say either way! I guess it is up to the "family" to decide on how things should be done! I think maybe you should discuss this with your sister! should be done. I don't really think

Actually, if you forgive me for being honest - I think that your sister is very rude and ill mannered to do the arranging. It is not for them to decide anything re baby shower. Excuse me - Isn't it supposed to be a surprise?

Well I am a man and as such I dont know much about baby showers but I dont think you should be upset by her telling you when to have the shower.I know it is a tradition for the aunts to decide but this may be a new tradition that is in the proces sof being set up and as such you maye have to embrace it.The most important thing is that you get an opportunity to participate .If she barred you from takiing part then youwoudl have reasons to be upset so I think you should go ahead and do your thing as if nothing has changed

I would let them know that the shower for your niece will be as in tradition, when you decide to throw it. If your sister and niece want to have a shower before hand your sister should plan one for those who live closer to attend it. Then after the baby comes hold a larger one. This way everyone wins. Hope you can work it out. Big huggers to you.

I have a problem with people's senses of entitlement a lot of the time. It's like sending out wedding invitations with "cash gifts only" or "in lieu of a gift, please contribute to our honeymoon fund" and stuff printed right on the card (and it does happen!). I think it's been forgotten that sending out any kind of invitation is simply a request for someone's presence at an event - NOT "presents." No one is ever under any obligation to give a gift -- of course, we do because it's nice and most of us consider it appropriate. However, to be told that you need to have the shower so the mother-to-be "knows what she'll need to buy" is incredibly rude. You don't get married, have a baby, etc., and expect that other people are going to foot the bill for it. I do agree that it's rather out of expectation and common practice to wait and have the shower after the arrival of the baby, though. That seems to be more common for second or subsequent babies to the same mother. Why not let someone else have the shower and then host another little party after he arrives - sort of a "welcome to the world, little one" gathering? It could be as simple as a light lunch or even a tea in the afternoon... gifts can be optional at something like that so people that were invited to the shower wouldn't be miffed at feeling they have to give yet another gift.

I don't think you are wrong for being upset. You guys are doing them a favor, not the other way around. I don't know how you and your family deal with stuff like this, but if it were my sister, there would be a bit of a "discussion" about this. Because honestly, this sounds like something my sister would do. She's be ready to have a baby and then inform me when she wanted a shower, and how she wanted it done. She and her husband are trying to have a baby, so maybe I'll have that to look forward to soon. : )

It sounds like somebody broke tradition in your family. I guess you could let somebody know, besides us qualified staff here mylot, so they know that its upset you. Be tactful but let them know how it usually works, if they don't know that it upset you then they might proceed ahead and not even think about anybody else's feelings.

I'm really torn here, Jill. I do agree that, under normal circumstances, your sister and niece shouldn't be butting in when it comes to planning the baby shower, but the planners are breaking from tradition by planning to have the shower after the baby is born. While I can see the logic behind the idea since your family is spread out, that logic doesn't help the expecting mother who will have a baby to bring home from the hospital. Traditionally, a baby shower is held in order to not only celebrate the upcoming birth but to give Mom many of the things she will need for the new baby as gifts. Think about it for a minute before letting yourself be upset. Does your niece already have everything the baby will need...diapers, bottles, receiving blankets, etc? How can you play "Guess how big her belly is with toilet paper" game if the belly is gone? It seems to me that she shouldn't have to worry about baby supplies even though it's understandable that her family is eager to see her son.

jillhill congratualations to your niece and totally understand your frustration. You have every right to be upset. I wonder if it is possible for your sister to explain what the tradition means to you all, and the importance of the whole family being there for the shower. Does your sister have any other reason apart from her daughter wanting it before the baby comes? would be something i would ask your sister. Your niece may be understanding and change her mind when explained to. I believe she would rather have a baby shower that includes the presence of the whole family and baby than half the family being present.